Theme Week, Part IV

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 4: Nexus 10
 
 
 Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...we want you to feel obligated to buy us presents.  Feeling guilty yet?  How about now?  Anyway, today, Jeremy wants electronics.


So the eternal question "What do you want for Christmas?" really doesn't have much of an answer this year, since as I think I mentioned a couple posts back, I genuinely don't need or want anything.  About the closest I come to actually wanting something right about now is the new Nexus 10 tablet from The Google.  It's every bit the technological equivalent of the latest iPad without the Apple opression, iTunes, arrogant proprietary interfaces ("Lightning" connector?  Seriously?  The "U" in USB stands for Universal), and price inflation of the latest iPad. 

That said, it's still WAY over the budget of what anybody is actually looking to spend on presents.  Unless, of course, you're an idiot Who Buys A Fake One At A Gas Station or something.  If that's the case, I don't know if I should really be accepting presents from you anyway. 

Besides...while I may claim to want one of these tablets, I have no earthly clue what I would do with it.  I'm certainly not lacking in electronic equipment in my house, and this thing would mainly be a really expensive electronic toy which serves many purposes that are already served better by stuff I already have.  I don't get me sometimes.  Regardless, I don't expect to see a Nexus 10 under the tree.


That's it for us, folks.  Jeremy Is In The Office is now on vacation and will be Out Of The Office until January 2.  We'll return with a whole new 2013 full of whimsy.  Happy Holidays, everybody!

Theme Week, Part III

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 3: Lamborghini Aventador

  

  

 Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...repetition is funny.  Also, we like creating new traditions.  To that end, this year, we're bringing you a list of gifts that Jeremy doesn't expect to find under his tree Christmas morning.  Today...a new car. 

Not just any car...a shiny new Lambo!  

 

I totally would buy you this, Jeremy...but I don't have $400,000 laying around in the cushions of my couch.  You're better off with socks anyway.  

Not long ago, I was driving to lunch and I looked up ahead and saw the rear of a shiny new white car.  It looked like a pretty nice car to me, and I thought to myself, "That looks like a pretty nice car.  Wonder what it is."  I then gently exceeded the speed limit to catch up to it (right before we all stopped in front of a red light, but that's beside the point) so I could read the badges on the back.  

In this case, you really did need some stinking badges.  

The car turned out to be a Maserati GranTurismo, valued at somewhere around $150,000.  Boy was he upset when I ran into his car.  

Totally kidding.  I wouldn't want to scratch the paint on my car.  

Anyway, having seen what kind of car it was, and how the performance of mine paled in comparison, I thought of what kind of car I would be driving if money were no object.  I honestly didn't know, because I like my car.  It's fun to drive, looks nice, doesn't make me look like a pretentious jerkface, and is totally decent on gas mileage.  In a different world, maybe I'd be driving something more cushy and luxurious...or maybe something super powerful and sporty...who knows?  

If commercials are to be believed, one of the best gifts to give somebody during the holiday season is a new car.  Popular choices are Lexus, Infinity, Land Rover, and Cadillac...again, if you believe the commercials.  So here's Jeremy, shooting for the moon again.  As long as I'm not expecting anybody to buy me a new car, I may as well not expect anybody to buy me a super expensive uber-car.  So I won't be expecting a shiny new Aventador under my tree.  With a price tag of $390,000 I doubt I'll be surprised.      

Theme Week, Part II

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 2:  Mayan Civilization 2013 Page-A-Day Calendar
 
  Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...we care or something.  Also, the hustle and bustle of the holiday season makes us too lazy to come up with new stuff.  This year, we present you a list of gift items that Jeremy won't be finding under his tree.  There are reasons for that, as you'll see. 
 
 
So, as sad as it is for all of us to think about, there won't be a Christmas this year, white or otherwise.  Looks like out Jewish friends got it right, celebrating Hanukkah already so that they can get it in while there's still a world.  As you're probably aware, the Mayans predicted the end of the world on Dec 21st of this year....which means Friday.  Hopefully, all of your affairs are in order, because the end is a mere 3 days away now.  It is on that day that the 12th B'ak'tun completes, and we either move on to the 13th, or in one horrific misinterpretation, the calendar just stops, and the world is over. 

There's also the more "scientific" theory that a solar flare will cause the magnetic poles of the earth to reverse, causing an energy release equal to 100 Billion atomic bombs.  This claim comes from an interview on Fox News, which should come as a shock to nobody.  It's also beside the point.

So, the Mayan calendar ends on Friday, so 2012 would be the last year of the Mayan Page-A-Day Calendar, so I really don't expect anyone to buy one for me. 

Theme Week, Part I

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 1:  Real Estate

Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...well, it's easier than doing other stuff.  This year, rather than presenting you, the gift-buying public, a list of stuff to buy Jeremy, we're going the opposite direction and displaying a list of stuff that Jeremy, regrettably or otherwise, won't be finding under his tree.  We start, as we do many things, in the world of cartoons. 

That's right.  While everyone out there is racking their brains trying desperately to find the perfect gift for their favorite Sametime Status Blagger, I'm thinking differently.  Sure, I like to dream big, but I also have realistic expectations after years of gift-giving occasions coming up with new clothes that don't fit.  (Note:  A couple years ago, I did get a very nice sweater for Christmas, and I do in fact still wear it...so that's not included in the previous sentence.)  Ask me about the Infamous Answering Machine Message prior to my birthday one year.  Side note: my parents are laughing right now. 

This year is no exception.  I'm entirely certain that I'm not going to get what I really want for Christmas, entirely because I quite honestly have no idea what it is that I really want for Christmas.  Makes shopping a little more difficult, I'll concede...but the mind wants what the mind wants.  Or doesn't want...or doesn't know what it wants...or something.  You know what I mean.  So this week is entirely devoted to the things people won't be buying me....and probably shouldn't.  

Today's topic, straight from the mouth of Lucy van Pelt, Real Estate.  Everyone knows that this was Lucy's answer to Charlie Brown asking what it was She Really Wanted For Christmas, and it's become basically my first answer to people when they ask what they should buy me.  That said, real estate is generally pretty expensive, even with mortgage interest rates what they are these days.  I also already have a house and pay enough in real estate taxes already that I don't actually need more real estate.  It just makes for a great joke and a perfect dodge for when I really can't tell somebody what the perfect gift is for their favorite Jeremy. 

Incidentally...you may have noticed over the last month or so that Jeremy basically doesn't work Friday's anymore.  This is due to a lack of proper planning of vacation days, so he just doesn't need to show up.  As such, this will likely be an unprecedented 4-day Theme Week leading up to the holidays.  Exciting! 

WARNING: Do Not Search The Internet for Enterprise vs Millenium Falcon

I’m no expert on warp drive, but with the placement of the nacelles, I can’t figure out how the Enterprise doesn’t just spin around in circles

Well, the nacelles aren't directly providing force, they're just creating the sub-space field the ship sits in while traveling at Faster Than Light (FTL) speeds.  Duh.

Nerd.

 

Hey, you're the one posting Star Trek Sametime Statuses.  Don't blame me for that.  

Also, I don't believe your theory anyway.  Regardless of whatever sub-space field (Also known as a "Warp Shell") is generated by the warp drive, something still has to propel the ship to these types of speeds.  The only thing that can be doing this are the nacelles, since the impulse engines aren't capable of that type of force.  So, here's my issue...

 
 
 Oh, you've got more issues than this...

Let's assume for the sake of this Blag post that the thrust to go to FTL speeds comes from the warp nacelles.  It's logical.  Let's also point out that I'm basing this somewhat rhetorical question on the original Constitution Class USS Enterprise, NCC-1701 as portrayed in Star Trek, The Original Series.  If you'll note, the warp nacelles are positioned approximately at the same height as the bridge, and above nearly everything else on the ship.  You May Refer To This Picture.  In a car, this would be perfectly acceptable, because things like gravity, tires, and the ground keep the car moving in one plane and in one direction.  In space, these types of things don't exist, and there's also no air resistance around.  The result is the purest form of Newton's Third Law....the whole equal and opposite reaction.  For example, if you're out in space and you have a wrench and you wanted to turn a bolt, you would just as easily turn yourself around the bolt as you would actually turn the bolt.  Because of all this, any thrust to power a space ship would need to come from directly opposite the intended direction of motion, and would also need to be precisely in line with the center of mass of the whole ship.  

Take a coin and set it on a table.  If you push it from the back, it goes forward.  If you push it slightly off-center, it moves, but eventually spins off of your finger.  Unless the thrust of the Enterprise is centered exactly on the ship, this is the same thing that will happen when it goes to warp.  So to have the nacelles positioned so high above the bulk of the ship makes no sense...all of the thrust will be high above the center of mass, sending the poor ship careening in little vertical circles at extreme speeds.  The inertial dampeners might be able to stave off motion sickness for a little while, but eventually, that's going to catch up to you.  

Ostensibly, this was fixed with the Galaxy Class Starships, such as Enterprise NCC-1701-D, but I can't be sure without full technical schematics and a complete lack of dignity.  

Let's Use 24-Hour Time Too, So We Can Have 13:13:13

Today is 12/12/12.  Until we add a 13th month to the calendar, this will be the last time this ever happens...or something  

What in blazes are you talking about, you monkey?  1/1/1 is less than 90 years away.  

Yeah, but with the end of the world coming in 9 days, I don't think we'll make it that long. 

Oy...

So anyway....as you may be aware, today is 12/12/12...and that holds true if you live in the US or Canada.  It doesn't quite hold as true if you're Jewish, as today would be the 28 of Kislev, in the year 5773.  I don't know what numbered month Kislev is, and I'm not going to look it up, so let's assume that it's the 12th...which would make today 12/28/73, or 28/12/73 if you're Jewish AND Canadian.  

It's all pretty confusing.

Of course, if we were still using the Julian calendar, and ignored that whole Pope Gregory thing, we'd still be chugging along in November.  11/29, to be exact. 

Then again, if the Islam calendar is to be believed, it's only the 28th of Muharram, 1434.  

I could go on...there are other converters on the Internets...but I think you get the point.  

Another Air-Headed Post by Jeremy

If we just figure out that whole Cold Fusion thing, the helium shortage will take care of itself

But then there will enough helium to keep clowns in business.  Nobody wants that.

Not everybody is afraid of clowns, you know.  

True, but nobody actually likes them.  

So anyway...I work in the technology field as an engineer.  One of the things I'm asked to do on an all-too-frequent basis is to "Think Outside The Box."  It's a cliche I'm certain you've heard before.  Being creative like I am, I often go a little too far outside the box for most people's tastes, but I'm okay with that.  

One of the areas of technology that I deal with is helium.  It's a gas that is far more useful than making balloons float and your voice sound funny, and most people don't realize that.  It's very often used as an inert cooling gas used to regulate the temperature of highly sensitive areas of equipment, such as electrostatic chucks and powerful magnets.  As such, the technology company that I work for uses quite a bit of helium.  

At this point, it's important to note that the world's supply of helium has officially reached "shortage" levels, and the government has even tapped into its strategic reserve of the gas.  Everybody who uses large amounts of helium is aware of this and working feverishly to reduce their usage.  All of this said, as of right now, there is no way to artificially create helium...all of the supply we get comes from natural gas wells.  One other remarkably abundant source of helium is the Sun (since stars exist due to hydrogen fusing into helium), but there are fairly obvious and significant problems with obtaining it.  Alas, our supply given current technology is finite.  A better solution is required!  

Another problem always facing the world is the supply of energy.  Fossil fuels, wind, solar power, hydrogen fuel cells, nuclear power...all of this stuff has its pluses and minuses, and probably won't be able to power the world forever.  While the supply of these energies is asymptotic, and not quite infinite (The sun will keep going for a couple billion more years, after all), our need for sources of power is growing constantly.  A better solution is required!  

Two problems with one inescapable and elegant solution.  Cold Fusion!  All we need to do is get cracking on turning this whole Cold Fusion thing into reality...start fusing our own hydrogen into helium, extract bundles of energy from the reaction, and have some extra helium laying around (Okay, floating around) as a bonus!  Win-Win-Win!  

Get on it, Science! 

Nobody Ever Hears It Without Miss Piggy Anymore

“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a very irresponsible song in this age of Bird Flu

I also find it a little shocking that a professed "true love" would send so many dangerous animals during a joyous holiday time.  

Depending on the interpretation of the lyrics, some jerk is out there sending somebody they supposedly care about either 23 or 184 birds.  The difference, of course, comes from whether you choose to believe that the gifts from the previously numbered days are repeated or not.  This gets a little tricky right about the time you have to procure your third set of 10 Lords for leaping, which lends credence to the other interpretation.  That being the structure where only that numbered day's gift is supplied, which is added to the existing pile of sequentially numbered gifts.  So, you can either choose to believe that the Four Calling Birds are only given on the fourth day, with a net total of four birds, or that they are given on the 4th, 5th, 6th etc days, leading to 9 individual gifts of 4 Calling Birds each, for a total of 36. 

Ultimately, if you believe that the gifts are repeated, you will end up with a total of 12 Partridges (Pear Trees, but not batteries, included), 22 Turtle Doves, 30 French Hens (Which is at least mildly racist), 36 Calling Birds (which will eat up your Wireless Minutes in a heartbeat), and a whopping 42 each of Geese and Swans.  Even without the threat of Bird Flu, your floors are now a complete and total mess.  

On a completely unrelated note, does anyone else find it odd that of this joker's gifts, six of the first seven are birds, while none of the last five are?  Took this chump an entire week to figure out a present other than a bird...aside from the rings. That gift idea was clearly planted.

I would hope that the Pear Tree was also planted at some point...

 

Back to business at hand.  I don't know what the statistics are in terms of what percentage of the worldwide bird population is carrying Bird Flu at any given time, or what the transmission rate is for each individual species of bird.  Nor do I know how close in contact the unfortunate recipient of these fowl will be to all of the gift birds.  I also don't know if it's acceptable to look a gift bird in the mouth (Equine protocols have been firmly established since St. Jerome in the year 400).  What I do know is that with 184 birds in close proximity to a new owner, the odds of acquiring Avian Flu are an astonishing 83%.  Doesn't sound like much of a Christmas present to me.  

That's it.  You're getting socks. 

Except On The West Coast

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Jeremy

That's unfortunate.  I was hoping for a new and improved one.

Sadly, I can't help you there..it's just me.  

Anyway, today's Sametime Status is one of those rare times when it's more relevant to me and the people I work with than the people who read this stuff for the bountiful entertainment it usually provides.  

See, I've had this project going on at work for the last couple weeks which has been soaking up pretty much all of my time, energy, and willingness to live.  It got finished up (or as close to finished up as I can make it) yesterday, and aside from an extremely small smattering of minor updates, is complete.  I can now actually devote my time to actual stuff I'm supposed to have been working on for the last couple weeks.   Needless to say, I'm a little behind. 

Ironic That I Wrote This While Drinking Coffee?

It’s Password Day!  My email password is no longer RonPaul4Prez

That actually would make a great password.  Nobody actually wants Ron Paul to be president, so nobody would think to guess that if they were trying to hack into your email.  You may be on to something here.  Wonder if anyone used "Mondale84".  Roughly the same level of security.  

That might not have worked as well in Minnesota.  That was the only state Mondale won.

Nobody from Minnesota had email in 1984, so I guess it's a moot point.

So, it's at this point that I feel obligated to tell you that neither this nor any of my "Password Day" posts have ever been used as my actual email password.    

Anyway, it should be obvious that the last Password Day happened somewhere not too far in advance of the Presidential election, so it would almost make sense to have used one of the candidates as my email password.  Almost.  

The downside of today's Sametime Status, of course, is that it makes yet another reference to the Presidential election, which nobody wants to hear another word about in their lifetimes.  So....yeah.  Enjoy that.