This Sounds Wholesome

Shhh.  I think the pregame show is starting

But the NHL All-Star game was last weekend.  What are you talking about?

I guess there's some kind of football game going on this weekend where people watch the commercials and make fun of the halftime show.    Incidentally, after the whole Janet Jackson debacle a few years back, I'll be interested to see how the NBC censors take to Cee Lo Green coming out and singing "F You" in front of a couple million people.  Does Las Vegas have a prop bet on bleeps during the show?  I'll take "Over."  

Incidentally, while I'm being a little hyperbolous (If that's not a word, it is now) about the length of the Super Bowl pre-game show (which I believe actually starts around 6 hours before kickoff), when I wrote this status this morning, I was actually unaware that today is "Media Day" for the teams, players, and coaches...so in a sense, I was entirely accurate about the pre-game stupidity starting today.  I'm not sure if I love it or hate it when life imitates my art. 

No Label For Sporks

Oh good.  The spoons are labeled now.  Glad that confusion is over

 I can see where that would be an issue.  People get spoons confused all the time.  It can either be a small instrument for eating, or a Batttle Cry.  

Indeed.  I've often been confused about which silverware (or plasticware as the case may be) should be used in any given breakfast situation, and even more stumped when it came to locating them.  I mean, really...the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building has like 4 different bins for the stuff.  There's forks, spoons, soup spoons, and knives.  Who can keep all that stuff straight?

Well, hopefully the knives are straight.  Spoons tend to be curved.

So, it was with great joy not long ago that I made my way into the caf and found out that the label maker was busy once again coming up with professional cardboard nametags for the silverware trays.  Soup Spoons, Tea Spoons, Forks, and Knives are now clearly labelled.  Never again will I be eating my oatmeal with the end of a knife!  No more stirring coffee with a fork!  Salad will no longer be stabbed with a spoon!  Can I get a hallelujah?!?! 

Probably not.

Well, at least I can get a spoon now.  

Nobody Plays C Flat...Ever

I’m pretty sure I’ll never apologize for not sight-reading well with 6 flats


Oh goodie.  Jeremy's speaking nonsense again.  Pretty typical for a Friday.


Today's Sametime Status deals more with one of my hobbies.  So, all you loyal readers may or may not know that in some of my spare time, I fancy myself something of a musician.  I doubt Kanye will be interrupting my Grammy acceptance speech anytime soon, but it's an amusing thing that I do when I can.  Not long ago, I was forced to sight-read a new piece of music in a key signature that involved six flats.  This isn't funny.  It does, however, make a nice segue into a new Blag Feature I like to call "Introduction To Music Theory For Non-Musicians by Somebody Who's Not Especially Good At Music Theory."


You forgot to add "101."  


Your first lesson is key signature.  The key signature is a little code at the beginning of a section of music that tells you what key the piece is in, as indicated by a number of sharps or flats.  

 
Sharps and flats, generally speaking, are the black notes on a piano.  "Sharp" means you play the next black key higher than the designated note, "Flat" means one below.  As you start to play, pretty much all of the notes you'll be using fall into a single scale, or "Key."  If you're only playing the white notes, you're in the key of "C."  If you want to move up a note to play in "D" you would need to add an F Sharp and a C Sharp to maintain the same intervals between notes in the scale (You're probably familiar with Do-Re-Mi, etc...), so a section of music written in the key of D would have those two sharps indicated in the key signature.  That way, you know anytime you come across a C or an F, you're actually supposed to play the note above that.  It takes some getting used to, but you get the hang of it.  The image above, for the record, shows three sharps (Those little "#" thingies) and is therefore in the key of "A."

When playing new music, any key with more than 3 sharps or flats elicits cursing from the musicians and a question as to why the composer was so hung up on playing in this key rather than changing it by one note to make everyone's life easier.  This is because when sight-reading (playing a piece of music while seeing it for the first time), there are a number of things to get right on the first try.  You have to not only play the right notes, but play them for the proper length of time with the right volume, accents, styles, balance, while trying to look ahead to the next note you're going to play.  There's often not a lot of time for thoughts of "Oh yeah...while the music says play a B, I'm actually supposed to play a B-Flat because it told me so once at the very top of the page."  Generally speaking, the more sharps and flats are in the key signature, the more wrong notes will be played.

Which brings me to this new piece...one section had 6 flats.  For those keeping score at home, there are only 7 notes in existence, (A through G) so every note printed on the page save one (F) were to be played as a different note.  While one one hand, this makes things a little easier in that you don't have to think about what notes are Flatted and which aren't, since they basically all are, this lends itself to playing notes in ways you normally don't see them written.  G-Flat is not a very common way of describing that particular note, nor is C-Flat.  The end result is that I played some wrong notes during this particular section.  I'm okay with that.

I Could Probaby Eat Just One

Salsa is good portion control for tortilla chips


But then, of course, you just get more salsa.


That's where willpower comes in.  Also, the salsa is upstairs, so getting more involves exercise, in a way, so it's okay.  


Whatever helps you sleep.


So anyway, today's Sametime Status deals with both health and the hierarchy of snacks.  It's different for everybody, but there exist a couple general consistencies.  Among them, candy is better than broccoli, chocolate is better than Necco Wafers, and Doritoes are better than plain tortilla chips.  Why the last one, you say?  Because of flavor.  Doritoes have it, tortillas don't.  In order to make tortilla chips into a viable snacking alternative, they have to be dipped in something, be it cheese, guacamole, or most commonly, salsa.  This makes the dipping portion of your snack the limiting factor.  


Picture if you will a bag of Doritoes in front of you.  Once you start eating them, there's really no incentive to stop, other than willpower or guilt over eating the whole silly thing.  They're pretty darn tasty.  Now, picture that same bag, but with plain tortilla chips.  You wouldn't just start eating from the bag unless you had dip to go with them.  So, you procure yourself a little cup of salsa and go to town on the tortillas.  Once your salsa runs out, you can quite easily put away the bag of chips because you have no reason to go on eating.  




So what is the lifetime differential in your house between a bag of Doritoes and a bag of tortillas?  


The bag of tortillas lasts 83% longer than Doritoes do, which makes it not only a healthier alternative, but also more financially prudent.  


And how long does the jar of salsa last?


Well that's a different story entirely.  

But Then He Punched Me

I got to watch a Gordie Howe Hat Trick last night!  Very exciting

I can only hope it wasn't while you were in line at the grocery store.  That could have been tragic.

Nope...it was on TV last night.  LA Kings winger Kyle Clifford became the latest in the 2011-2012 NHL season to pull off the feat.  It was rather amusing to watch, though I don't believe I ever heard the commentators make note of it.  Oh well.

Speaking of NHL news...Tim Thomas is a jerk.  There, I said it.  As is often the case in major sporting events, the 2011 Stanley Cup Champion Boston Bruins were invited to the White House to be personally congratulated on their victory by the president of the United Freakin' States.  Say what you want about his policies, the man is the "leader of the free world," and he invited you to his house.  This is an opportunity that very few people get in their lifetimes, so to throw it away for even the best of reasons would be stupid and ultimately regretful, right?  Well..tell that to Tim Thomas, goaltender of the aforementioned Bruins team, who boycotted the trip to the White House because he thinks that "government has grown out of control."  

This, of course, makes the headlines over top of actual hockey achievements like Clifford's Gordie Howe job against the Senators last night, and provides another black eye that the NHL doesn't really need at the moment.  Sure, it's your right to not chill with the President of the United States when he asks you to, but just like playing hockey in the first place, shouldn't you put your team, league, and even sport ahead of your own selfish personal beliefs?  Idiot. 

Zeros. See What I Mean?

Leading zeros are still important, people!

I don't think those people appreciate being called Zeros.  Maybe "Numerically Challenged?"

Wait, what? 

Playful twist using the verb form of the word "Leading."  You've been grammared.  

Terrific.   So, today I decided to share with all of you one of my newer hobbies.  I've discovered audio books.  These things are wonderful because they combine learning and sitting on my duff while doing something completely unrelated.  Two of my favorite pastimes.  I'm often multitasking.  I have at least 10 tasks open at any given time at work (including a little Sametime Status Blag I run), when I'm watching TV at home, I'll have a laptop next to me and probably at least one other project going on at the time, and I've worked on perfecting the art of making two different types of cookies at the same time.  That one's really only helpful around Christmas time, so I don't get a lot of practice.  

Anyway, audio books.  I don't read enough, if you don't count news and current events on the internetz.  I've never read "War and Peace" or any of the Lord of the Rings series, or 90% of the other "Classics" that are out there that everyone says people should read.  I don't do this mostly because I can't acclimate to doing just one thing, and reading a book takes up too much of my system's resources to allow for multitasking.  The times that I have decided that I will start reading more, the end result is that my brain realizes I'm only doing one thing and decides that's the time to shut off for the night, and I fall asleep.  Progress is limited.  

My car has a USB port for connecting MP3 players and memory sticks through which stuff can play through the car's stereo.  I discovered this early on, and have a memory stick with most of my music collection tucked away in the car.  I expanded this concept just before a long road trip to include a supplemental memory stick on which I put an audio book.  The way I figured it, time would seem to pass more quickly, I wouldn't get bored with the same songs, and I would "read" one of those books I'm always told I should read.  23 hours later, I had read "Moby Dick," finally understood that bit in the middle of "Major League," and had a new hobby.  

Since then, I've gone on to "read" four other books, and my "reading" is no longer confined to extended road trips...it's pretty much a constant in the car now, and I catch up on important books 20 minutes or so at a time on my way to and from work.  Not long ago, I started on the second book in a short series soon to be a major motion picture.  Anyway...rather than being one big file, the book is broken into each individual track from the original CDs.  This is largely irrelevant to me, but when whoever it was created the files, they simply numbered them 1-16 (in the case of disc 1).  This is all well and good for Windows 7-based computers that understand that 2 comes before 10, but in the case of most other consumer electronics (such as the stereo in my car), 2 comes after 1, so the tracks end up playing in the order: 1,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9.  This is annoying and flipping through the tracks to find the one that's supposed to be playing during one of the awkward transitions distracts me from whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing...which I guess is driving.  The more annoying part is that there is a significant story gap between tracks 1 and 10, so when it jumps ahead to track 10, I get a big ol' spoiler before I realize that it jumped ahead and rectify it.  All of this nonsense could have been easily avoided by simply numbering the tracks with leading zeros. Just making them 01, 02, 03 etc, and no computer system would get confused.  So let this be a lesson, people.  Leading Zeros!  Use them!  Love them!  Make the roads safer. 

Shortest Holiday Ever

3...2...1...Happy Leap Second!  Oh wait, there it goes

I didn't even have time to put on my party hat.

Well, today's Sametime Status is kinda two-fold.  In one sense, I find it amusing to celebrate Leap Second, because...well...it lasts a second.  On the other hand, I'm also serving to inform everybody that some scientists believe that Leap Second may no longer be necessary, so the entire concept may be going away.  

Here's the deal.  The most accurate clocks known are atomic clocks, which use the electronic transition frequency of a substance (typically Cesium) to measure the passage of time.  Since the frequency is remarkably consistent, a shade under 9.2 billion radiation cycles is one second, and that is the international standard.  The problem is that the earth has certain natural clocks...being the rotation of the earth and the orbit around the sun...that more fundamentally dictate larger time intervals.  As such, we often have to add little compensation factors to out atomic clocks to re-synch them with Mother Nature.  This is most noticeable every 4th February when we have to add a day to account for the fact that it takes 365.25 day to orbit the sun, rather than a simple 365.  There's also the rotation which causes us to add one second to clocks every so often.  Since 1972, there have been 25 such instances, so realistically, you're that much older. 

The important thing to note here is that in the last couple decades, the earth has started spinning faster, so the addition of this second may no longer be required.  Important sciency-type people are looking into it.  I'm sure they'll keep us posted.  That said, the next Leap Second is scheduled for June 30.  I hope there will be a party. 

U Can Haz Work Nao

With Wikipedia and the Cheezburger Network down today, I predict global productivity will be up 83%

 So, being a creator of internetz content, such as it is, you should be in favor of SOPA, right?

Actually, no.  I'm a supporter of a lack of government censorship of my internets, and oppose the SOPA and PIPA bills currently in congress.  While the intent of the bills is perfectly reasonable, the way they're constructed and written makes them completely unrealistic and would basically eliminate a remarkable amount of content on the internet based on the whim of maybe a dozen faceless, automatonic entities.  (Half a dozen major movie studios, a handful of international record labels, and a few publishers)  

The best explanation for why this is a very slippery slope to tread down can be found on the whimsical webcomic The Oatmeal.  He asked me to pirate his custom animated gif, but I'd rather just link to his site.  Click that link for the kittens!!!  (It'll make sense once you see the picture)

So, my primary gripe isn't the fact that this sort of legislation exists, or has received millions of dollars worth of lobbying by the aforementioned entities in support, or the fact that few people from the overriding technical community were consulted in the writing of the bill, or even the fact that up until a mass internet blackout protest was staged by the likes of Wikipedia, the entire Cheezburger network (No LOLCats for you today...go ahead and look), Google, Dinsaur Comics, xkcd, Reddit, and Mozilla, (See the list HERE) that the majority of congress thought this was a good idea.  No, my rage is directed at the fact that this is what congress is talking about right now. 

How many times in the last year has congress played out the stupidity of party politics, and brinksmanship, bringing the global economy to the edge of collapse in the quest for political power?  At least 3, and there's another one coming, because the last one was merely a 2-month extension on something that they still haven't figured out.  So what are they doing instead of figuring out how to pay for the payroll tax cut?  Catering to the whims of a dozen uber-rich corporations whose profits might be a bit lower than they should be because of internet piracy.  And they're catering to them with a poory-written bill that is unsound from a technical point of view without getting the proper inputs.  

As of the latest poll, a record low 11% of Americans approve of how congress is doing its job.  I'm starting to wonder who those 11% are.  I don't approve of how congress made me hijack my own blag to rant about what idiots they are again.  They'll probably even shut down this whole site now because I used the word hijack.  Oh well....sorry, internets. 

What The Puck?

The commodity price of vulcanized rubber has gone up…apparently

 That actually makes a lot of sense.  Investing in that makes you live long and prosper.  

Exactly, and...wait, what?

Star Trek joke.  It was funny.

I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree there.  Anyway, recently, I made a small investment in the vulcanized rubber industry, as I am wont to do.  

You should invest in gold instead...safer place to put your money these days.

It's more of a hobby than an investment, really.  I generally don't succumb to the whole "souvenir" thing when I go on vacations.  I don't like the novelty kitsch items that say a foreign city's name while being remarkably overpriced and worthless within 2 weeks of the vacation's end.  One area where I do fall for this act is the gift shop at hockey rinks.  I go to hockey games on occasion, and whenever I watch a game in a new rink, I like to pick up a puck from the home team as a keepsake.  I have the majority of them stacked up in a giant precarious pyramid in my office.  The number is somewhere around 40 right now, counting the ones I have at home.  Well, I added to the collection this weekend, having visited sunny Bridgeport CT and treating myself to both a Bridgeport Sound Tigers game and a new puck.  That's the good news.  The bad news is that some local elementary school provided a children's choir for the singing of the national anthem as well as the entertainment during both intermissions.  Also in the "bad news" category was that the price of souvenir hockey pucks has gone up.  That was annoying, but still a price that had to be paid for the benefit of my collection.  

Speaking of bad news...there was some TV news last week.

Yeah...this was actually my Sametime Status on Friday, but that whole work thing got in the way again, so I couldn't share it with you here, but the CW network has announced a new game show set to premier this season.  The show, which I promise you I Am Not Making Up is called "Oh Sit" and is, for all intents and purposes, musical chairs.  Just astonishing. 

Don't Ask Where Klingons Come From

Star Trek villains “The Cardassians” seem to be direct descendants of Kim Kardashian

That seems to make the most sense of anything, really.  Gene Roddenberry was a true visionary.

What's even more impressive is that Gene Roddenberry was dead long before anybody named Kardashian even became relevant.  Why anybody named Kardashian is relevant is entirely beyond me, but it's also beyond the scope of my musings here.  I'm actually a little offended at myself for writing about them here because it only adds credence to their notoriety.  I should just stop.

Before you do...just answer one question for me.  How many lights do you see?

THERE ARE....FOUR LIGHTS!!!!

Most non-nerds reading this won't get that.  

I'm okay with that.  

Times, They Are A Changin'

It’s a dark day.  The maker of Twinkies has gone bankrupt

 It's sad but true.  Hostess Has Filed For Bankruptcy.  

While they've come out and said that during the bankruptcy proceedings, the company will continue to produce the little yellow tubey snacks we all know and love, it seems reasonable to start pondering a world where Twinkies no longer exist.  It's a troubling thought.  

What would Egon compare the psychokinetic energy in the New York area to?

How will people make Twinkie Wiener Sandwiches? 

What will Woody Harrelson look for while hunting zombies?


Have you noticed that all of our Twinkie-related concerns are based on movies?


I don't think that makes them any less valid. 


Agreed.  But the fact remains, that it's unclear how much longer Twinkies will exist, and that legitimately makes me sad.  Sure, they're atrocious nutritionally, and I'm reasonably certain that I've eaten only one Twinkie in the last 5 years (The day after watching Zombieland, in case you're wondering), but it's nice to know that they're there.  So, to the fine folks at Hostess, chin up!  Hopefully you'll get through this mess and continue to provide us all with the delicious treats we've loved for years.  As for me...I have to go stock up so I can sell Twinkies on the Black Market.  

WHAT?!

Going to the gym ruins your hearing...apparently

There's not much about a gym that's all that damaging to hearing.  I mean...you do go to that one that prohibits making excess noise and clanking stuff around.  

Ah, but that's merely a small reason people go to that particular gym.  People are mostly there to get free bagels and watch TV.  There's also "That Guy" who's there mostly to walk around and talk to people while they go through their workouts and tell them what a great workout he's going to have, but never seems to do anything.  But back to the TV watching bit...

Cardio sucks.  You're largely stationary while pretending to run, bike, climb stairs, or do whatever goofy motion an elliptical trainer is supposed to resemble.  You never actually get anywhere, the scenery never changes, and you have to do this for at least 20 minutes.  If you're like me, anything more than about three minutes of doing this kind of stuff and accomplishing nothing is roughly intolerable.  To fix this, gyms have installed tvs all over the place so you can at least watch something changing while your immediate surroundings are fixed.  When the local sports channel would show the condensed replays of the previous night's hockey game, this was about the best thing ever, but they've stopped doing that in favor of (and I'm not making this up) a TV show showing 2 guys in a radio studio doing a radio show where they talk about sports.  This is a disgrace.  Here I am, moving while not moving watching two guys on TV who are actually on the radio not moving talking about other people moving.  It's maddening.  There's precious little else worth watching at that hour of the morning, but I digress.  

Once you've decided on a channel to watch, you plug in your headphones and allow the world to disappear.  The problem here is one of three things: 

1. Either my $10 gym headphones from Walmart are far superior to everyone else's
   
2. People at the gym no longer have any sense of hearing
   
3. The gym is full of people trolling the next innocent schmuck who happens to use that particular piece of cardio equipment
   
   

Almost invariably, when I plug in my headphones, the volume is set to earth-shattering levels, most times at the highest possible setting of the TV.  I used to make the mistake of putting on my headphones, then plugging them in, then turning the volume down, but this subjects me to excess noise for a longer time than I'm sanely able to cope with first thing in the morning.  My routine now has been solidified.  I start doing whatever exercise the equipment has in mind, then turn on the TV, immediately hold down the "Volume Down" button until the output is in a less "Stadium Concert" level, then plug in the headphones.  It's better for me, but it leaves me to wonder exactly why I have to turn the volume down from max nearly every time.  I've decided it's because everybody in the gym can no longer hear. 

I Can Hypothesize, Too

The “Proof Of Purchase” is on stuff before I buy it  

Well, when else did you expect them to put it on?  

I find it hard to believe that this doesn't bother anyone besides me.  I believe the word "Proof" is overused, much in the same way people grossly misuse the word "Literally."  So when somebody prints a "Proof of Purchase" on a package that's still in the store, it's not proof of anything other than the fact that somebody can print a barcode on stuff.  

Sometimes, I feel like going through the store and cutting off all the proofs of purchase, just so the people who actually end up buying it would be screwed.  I can get all their stuff because, hey....I can prove that I purchased it. 

I Really Hope There's No Step Two

My new doorstop came with instructions

I just...wow.  Did you need the assistance?

Well, if by "assistance" you mean "something to stop the door from closing," then yes.  Much beyond that, I'm pretty sure I had a handle on the situation.  

Most of you know that I moved to a new office not long ago, and the new office actually has a door, making my new office the envy of many of my coworkers.  Most times, of course, I prefer to just leave the door open to have a feeling of freedom, but close it when privacy is required.  The issue that arises with this system is that the door on my office naturally closes.  In order to keep it open during the normal course of business, I needed a doorstop.  For the interim, I had used a box with assorted crap in it that was in the office when I moved in.  It's bigger than necessary, and is not stuff that I need to keep around, so while I was at a local department store recently (Let's call it "Bull's-Eye"), I picked up a genuine doorstop.  It was not exciting.  

Then, I brought it to work, at which point, it became instant entertainment.  While taking the thing out of the package, I actually started reading the package...something which an engineer rarely does...and was deeply amused by what it had to say.  

First of all, this particular doorstop is described as "Heavy Duty" which means it will stand up to your harshest door-holding-open needs.  

Next, the package goes on to pigeonhole the target market for this item, saying that it's "Ideal for: all doors..."  I have no idea where the ellipses are leading.  There is nothing after them.

And finally, there is a fully separate section of the packaging that contains "Directions" for use.  It includes a diagram and everything that shows the doorstop wedged under a door.  Fancy that.  Here are the instructions for use, in their entirety:  "Directions:  Slide doorstop under door."  

Is that how it works?  Amazing!  Now you can stop your doors with the doorstop the professionals use!

I know...so I figured I'd share this with all of you as a public service.  Nobody who reads this will ever be confused about how to use a doorstop again.  

Old Leg Sign...or Something Like That

Happy New Year, from Jeremy’s Sametime Status!

Welcome back, Jeremy...and all the loyal readers.  I trust you enjoyed your vacation?

It was pleasant, and a nice break from work.  Though, technically, I did come to work two days last week.  But there are very few people around, so there's little point in posting an amusing Sametime Status...nobody will read it.  I'm pretty sure only three people pinged me in those two days, and none of them were regarding work.  

So, now that we're back, what're the big New Year's Resolutions?

I firmly resolve to have fewer crappy Sametime Statuses this year than I did last year.

So, you have to write...like...one good one?  You're not off to a good start.  Personally, I resolve to be more snarky and sarcastic this year.

Looks like at least one of us will meet our goals.