Irving Berlin Loves People Butchering His Lyrics

Blue skies smiling at me. Nothin' but blue skies...and 102 degree temperatures...from now on.


While right now, it's a rather pleasant day, the weather forecast for the vicinity shows nothing about 102 degrees. Usually an indication that something's up. Take it away, Jeremy!


Indeed, something is up. I'll be headed off to the desert to compete in the 2010 US Open National Volleyball Championships, held this year in sunny Phoenix, AZ. The long-range weather forecast for the greater Phoenix area next week is somewhat monotonous:



See you all when I get back!


Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out of the Office from 5/29 until 6/6. The Blag you all know and love will return monday, June 7 with all new Sametime Goodness.

Hopefully, even a little less

"If you had 400 tons of something in your kitchen, you would notice it." –Bill Nye


Bill Nye The Science guy?


The very same. Mr. Nye now occasionally works as a freelance science guy for CNN, possibly among other places. I can't be bothered to look it up.

The important thing to note here is that he was explaining the latest attempt to stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently, they're going to dump 400 tons of something down into the well. He then went on to explain that 400 tons of something is a lot...using the visualization above.


I don't know if 400 tons of anything would even fit in your kitchen. It would have to be something pretty dense.


No comments, please.

I'm a comedy genius

Comedy is merely looking at the same world as everyone else and seeing something different. Unfortunately, so is insanity.


The mind boggles.


Indeed it does, LIR...indeed it does.

So today's Sametime Status is a little phrase I thought of a while ago and decided was clever. It explores the line between comedy and people just thinking you're a nut. It's a very fine line, but one that I'm willing to walk for you on a daily basis. Hopefully, I'm staying on the funny side.


I'm sure you are...except for the fact that you have an imaginary alter persona, but I'm sure nobody even notices that anymore.


You're probably right.

Nostalgia Sucks

That Probability song from Square One is nowhere near as good as I remember it.


I suppose that's a problem with history. It's only as good as you remember.


Exactly. But that's one of the problems with the Internet. It's documented proof that stuff you thought was good once is actually crap.


Just think...somebody years from now will look back on this Blag and think it was garbage. Oh wait...most people think that already.


That's beside the point. We all have stuff from our past that we enjoyed. But maybe those same things don't apply to us anymore, and the enjoyment would be entirely lost if you were to see it now. Such is often the case with music...you haven't heard a song in years, remember it being a great thing, but then you listen to it again, and you wonder how you ever could have possibly liked it. I had such an event the other day.

Back when it was on TV, I enjoyed watching the edutaining show "Square One." It was a nerdy show dedicated to teaching math to kids. They introduced fundamental concepts such as Tessellation, Angles, Negative Numbers, Multiples, Percentages, etc in a fun and accessible way. One of the "Lessons" was a song regarding probability. It was called "Ghost of a Chance" and I remembered it being the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Unfortunately, The Internet came along and ruined all my fun. Somebody went and posted the original video (granted, in remarkably crappy video form), and I got to see it again years later. The singing is horrifyingly bad.

See For Yourself Here!


I'm sorry, Jeremy. That lesson on Probability is the main reason you became an engineer in the first place. Your whole life is a lie.


I wouldn't quite go that far...but I am disappointed that a great memory I had is now tarnished.


Go back and watch a couple of the old "Mathman" videos and try not to shove a pen into your ear to stop the hurting. It's fun!

It would be bad

I live in a constant state of fear of dropping my keys down a sewer grate


Yeah, I suppose that would be a bad thing. So what's for lunch?


It's not even so much a fear, but a ridiculously all-consuming paranoia. Being a creature of habit, I have a specific way of locking my car, folding the keychain over, and tucking it into my pocket. I do this several times a day, and I don't think I've ever dropped my fob or keys while doing it. However, if I have the misfortune of parking near a sewer, I have a series of things that I do. I stare directly at the sewer the entire time I'm passing it, I make a substantial detour so that I do not come within 5 feet of the sewer, I make sure the keys are in my pocket, and I put my hand in my pocket to hold on to the keys until I'm safely past.

This may seem like overkill to some of you...and it probably is, but the simple fact is that I have never dropped my keys into an open sewer. How many of you can say the same?


Just about everyone, I would imagine.


In fact...I'd like to hear just the opposite. If anyone has amusing stories about dropping their keys in a hard-to-reach locale, let the world know! It'll be fun!

Really doesn't belong.

Why is there a watermelon in my shoe?


Those are some big ol' feet there, Sasquatch.


Not so much. I wear a perfectly normal Size 12...13 in Trail Running shoes for some unknown reason.

Today's Sametime Status was uttered by me not long ago while changing shoes at volleyball. I put on one of my sneakers and noticed that it felt a little funny. I took it back off to find the source of the distress, and there was a candy watermelon inside. Not normally the place one would put or find a candy watermelon, but there it was.

For the record...I was not eating candy watermelon that particular day.

I'm sure it's nice and all....

No, I don't want to be friends with the grocery store.


It is a very friendly grocery store.


That's all well and good, but it's a store. It's made of bricks and shelves.


Bricks have feelings, too.


Unless you've been living in a cave for the last 10 years, you're aware of Social Networking. It's a bunch of different internety type sites designed to help people get in touch with each other. This can be lots of fun, reuniting with old friends, meeting new people, using a fictitious one as the basis for a sitcom they're writing, finding out who that girl is you saw once so you can properly stalk her...


Jeremy...the local police would like to speak with you.


A number of businesses use these Social Networking sites to expand people's awareness of their products and services. This is nice in the case of the small mom+pop business, but a little stranger in the realm of large, faceless, atomatonic corporations...such as my grocery store. I got an email from the store the other day asking me to befriend it on a social networking site. I'm not going to.

Sure, it may have the added benefit of a random coupon every now and again for something I don't plan on buying, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I'm not actually friends with the grocery store any more than I'm friends with the tree in my back yard.


What's wrong with Woody? He's a great guy!


So no, large, faceless, atomatonic corporate grocery store...I will not be your friend. I will be your customer...and I will CONTINUE to be right.

There she is

Congratulations, Miss Michigan!


Please tell me you didn't watch the pageant.


I most certainly did not. My monday evening TV watching plate is already quite full. No room for things like that.


Your life is so very rich and full. So are you congratulating Miss Michigan for winning, or for setting the record for least amount of time as the Reigning Miss Whatever before being caught in a crown-threatening scandal?


That is left as an exercise for the reader.

By The Way

Hi, everybody. LIR here for Jeremy to let you know that Jeremy will be out of the office today to attend to a personal matter. We'll be back tomorrow. See you then!

Hurry!

14 Days!? But I want compost now!


What exactly do you need compost for?


For all the things one would use compost for.


So why do you have to wait 14 days?


Well, I saw one of those internet advertisements on some website somewhere. It told me that there's some new funky thingamajobbie that can make compost in 14 days. They seemed very excited about this.


What website were you on? I suppose it's better than your usual...


Hey now! My main point, I guess, is that ads can make anything seem like something you need to buy...to the point where I actually considered getting a composter for grass clippings. Then I had a series of thoughts.

• I don't have a garden.
• I don't need compost.
• My lawn mower can easily mulch grass clippings, making the composting of them irrelevant.

Classic stuff, Jeremy.


Thanks! See everyone next week!

It's face-drilling fun for everyone!

Happy Root Canal Appreciation Day, everybody!


Woah...so no Blag yesterday, and today you come back with one of your lame Holiday posts? You got some 'splainin to do!


Yeah...whatever. One of my co-workers is out all week, so I'm wearing an extra hat at work. As such, my actual job is keeping me overly busy at the moment, which leaves me a bit less time for silliness. You'll just have to forgive me this week.

Come back tomorrow! I promise more silliness! I actually have a fun and interesting Sametime Status lined up for you.

Canonically, it's described as 'Epic'

Ever get halfway through typing your old password and just hit enter because it's easier to fail than hitting backspace 6 times?


Haha...you suck at passwords.


Well...yes, but then again, most people do in some capacity. For security purposes, I'm required to change passwords fairly often, and since I'm not allowed to go back to an old password for like 10 generations or so, I have something of a pattern that I follow when creating them. It makes sense to me, and probably nobody else in the world...which is what makes it a great system.

The problem is that the old ones are too easy to remember, and since I have to type certain ones multiple times per day (such as the one to log into my computer, which I have to type every time I open the lid on the laptop), I get very accustomed to typing them. After the password changes, there is a period of no less than 3 weeks where every time I type in a certain password, I start typing the old one instead. Most times, I don't notice until I hit enter, and the computer tells me my password was invalid. I quietly reprimand myself, type in the new password and be on my way. Occasionally, while in the midst of typing the old password, I will remember that it has changed, and I'm faced with the moral dilemma. Do I start slapping the backspace key repeatedly to get rid of my worthless typing and key in the real password, or do I simply cut bait, hit enter, have my computer yell at me for typing the wrong password, and start anew?

This morning, I chose option 2. It saves keystrokes.


You know what else saves keystrokes? Remembering your password.


Yeah, but you know that's not going to happen, so I need to optimize my Plan B.

So is 1/1, for that matter

Commercials tend to leave out the fact that 99/100 is a fraction.


Commercials suck.


Wow...Friday rant? A rare and special gift.


Advertisers do a great job of misleading people. It's what they do. They want you to think that whatever it is they're selling is better than whatever somebody else is selling, even though it's probably not. They also make you think you're getting a better deal on it than you really are.

To this end, they use silly misleading catch phrases and rely on connotation versus fact. One of my favourites is "at a FRACTION of the cost!" Yeah...99/100 is a fraction. So while you think you're getting something for half price, or maybe 1/3 of the price...it's really more like 9/10. But when you hear fraction, they want you to start thinking that there's a one in the numerator. Not the case....don't be fooled!

The other one that gets my goat is "Pennies on the dollar!" 99 is a number of pennies. For that matter, so is 105. It's not such a good deal anymore is it?

Y Tu Blag, Tambien!

El estado de Sametime del hoy está en español


Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody!


We're celebrating this important holiday in true American fashion by completely ignoring the reality of what it's about and coming up with our own way of honoring something.


I'm wearing a sombrero.


Actually, I did have a thought on celebrating Cinco de Mayo...but since I'm going to be pressed for time tonight, it involved going to the Taco Bell drive-thru...and I'm not sure if that's celebratory or blasphemy. Anyone care to chime in?

I'm going to say "Yes"

Am I the only person who's offended when a westerly-flying plane is shown pointing to the right?


Probably.


You'll be pleased to know that at least two people have already agreed with me. What up?


At least one other person told you that you're not allowed to say "What up?" anymore.


Here's my point. Movies and Television rely on one very important concept to pull off entertainment. The suspension of disbelief!

Every now and again, a movie will do something weird or wrong which will instantly snap you out of their fantasy world and destroy the vision they've created. This can be something simple like accidentally showing a boom mic (watch "Mr. Saturday Night" for this one), showing a phone number starting with 555 ("Ghostbusters, among others...it's 555-2368, don't bother looking it up), or the lead actor dying during filming, leading you to replace him with a different actor (Plan 9 From Outer Space).

One other thing that bugs me is the use of old Stock Footage during a movie or TV show. You can spot it pretty easily because it's often shot in an entirely different style than the rest of the film, has different lighting conditions, graininess, is hand-held or something to that effect. Watch the celebratory scene in Star Trek 4 after they release the whales into the ocean for the most obvious example of this I can think of. It's ridiculous.

A very common use of Stock Footage is when a director decides to show a plane flying. This is used to spoon-feed the audience with a change in locale. There may or may not be a scene on the plane...that's beside the point. You'll usually see the outside of the plane in mid-flight...and it bugs me when it's pointed the wrong direction. When any normal person looks at a map, North is up...which makes east to the right and West to the left. So, in order to make the transition seamless, if you're showing a plane flying from New York to San Francisco, as an example I've recently seen, it needs to be pointed to the left. Please ensure that you pay attention to this critical detail from now on. Thank you.

Hold this!

In a contract dispute with my Fantasy Baseball Team


Yeah...that rag tag bunch of losers. I'd hold out, too.


My fantasy team is made up of some of the best major leaguers fake money can buy.


Ever notice just how much of your life is fantasy?


That's not important right now. What matters is that Fake Grady Sizemore needs to step up and start producing at the plate.


He's very good at pretending to play defense.


All well and good, but that doesn't translate to fantasy stats. He either needs to shape up or...well....this is the source of my contract dispute. He's on the league's "Can't Cut" list which is normally for the benefit of fair play within leagues. They take the best performing players and make sure that lower-ranked teams can't release them for the top teams to pick up.

The problem is that this fantasy chump is one of the worst performing outfielders in the imaginary game right now, and I'm one of the top teams, so I'm not really sure who would benefit by letting me designate this guy for feigned assignment and pick up a pretend player who's actually doing something this season.