Who's laughing now?!

And you thought I was joking about Bird Flu...


I guess you were right...it looks like Swine Flu, a variant of Bird Flu is actually going to kill us all. That's too bad.


Yep...it sure is. What's especially problematic is that my favourite web site for news and information on this tragic disease Bird Flu Breaking News has been suspended. One can only believe that because of the recent pandemic threat, the flood of visitors to the site has pushed them over their bandwidth quota. Hopefully, they'll be back up and running soon.


On an equally horrifying note, I really had to share this with you all. This is from an actual email I got from a partner company, so it's not Spam, either. I simply have no words for this:


I hid the name of the company because this is the sort of thing that would cause widespread boycotts of a company, and I don't want to get in trouble for it.

Demographics

Nobody thinks of the Teens over the age of 21.


Taking a quick look at the math, I would think there's a very good reason for that.


Today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of some moronic radio commercial I'm subjected to fairly often. If you happen to live around here and haven't heard it, it's merely because you weren't paying attention, and you'll hear it all the time now. Hopefully, you'll grow to think it's as stupid as I do.

Honestly, I'm not even sure what the commercial is about. It may be a public service announcement, or for an insurance company or something. The gist of it is that speeding while driving is bad. They try to back up their case with facts, stating that "Speeding is the leading cause of traffic accidents in Teens under the age of 21." I'm not making this up.

We can take a number of things from this. The accuracy of these assumptions may be subject to debate, but let's infer:

• Most (if not all) "Teens" are under age 21
  
• Once you turn 21, Speeding is less dangerous
  
• Between your 20th and 21st Birthdays is a grey area of speeding safety. You're not a "Teen" so you're probably okay.
  
• 11 and 12-year olds can speed with impunity.
  

Happy driving, everybody!

Fun with lasers

I’m actually okay with G.I.Joe and The A Team having bad aim, but why couldn't the Transformers ever hit their target?


Good point...they are robots, after all.


It does somewhat bug me that the A Team are such lousy shots, what with being a "crack commando unit" and all. You'd think one of them would have at least some training as a marksman. However, there is a somewhat plausible explanation as to why they never seem to manage to shoot anybody. They're already on the run from the government (allegedly for a crime they didn't commit), and adding murder and manslaughter charges may not be in their best interests. So instead, they flip over bad guys' cars, have Mr. T throw them over the hood and Hannibal stand over them with a cigar stub, and call it a day.

G.I.Joe is in the freakin' army for crying out loud. They have to learn how to shoot, and being soldiers in a war of sorts, shooting people is part of the job. However, since it is a kids show, you do have to limit the graphic violence a bit, even when dealing with tough topics like war and human casualties.

On the other hand...Transformers are robots. Computerized automatons that change into vehicles. If they were to get shot, you have to replace some circuitry, maybe a motor or some hydraulic lines. Yes, Transformers have been damaged beyond repair, but far less often than you might think. Of course, let's just forget how every intricate scheme to get energon cubes to Cybertron eventually boils down to stoic firefight in the same brown desert valley, and ponder why it is that none of the transformers are able to shoot the others. They're robots!!! Even if the computer's aiming program resulted in a misfire (which it shouldn't have to do...I'd expect a perfect shot every time), I find it hard to believe that it wouldn't have some form of algorithm in place to track the most recent laser blast, compare it to the location of the target, make an adjustment, and fire again within a tenth of a second. It just makes sense.

Instead, what do we get? A long drawn out scene of people shooting boulders and barely missing lasers and the Decepticons eventually retreating. If just ONE of the Decepticons would adjust his sniper program, this whole war could have been ended and we'd all be slaves to Cyberton by now.

The result of a barnyard meeting

It's official. Breakfast has organized against us.


Today's Sametime Status is brought to you as a public service from Jeremy Is In The Office and Miracle Posting, Inc.


So tragic news unfolded this weekend that Pigs have joined Chickens in the war against humanity, with an outbreak of Swine Flu.

Admittedly, I'm not as familiar with Swine Flu (H1N1) as I am with Avian (Bird) Flu (H5N1), but the good folks at Bird Flu Breaking News are right on top of everything for us. Apparently, there's some report out of Australia, that some guy is more concerned about Pig Flu than Bird Flu. That guy may be out of his gourd...we just don't know at this point. All we know is that breakfast is at risk! First Eggs, now Bacon...if you include Mad Cow disease, Milk and Cheese are out too! We have to stop this NOW if we're going to be able to eat anything except dry Cheerios from now on.

Hopefully, there won't be a global Oat Flu pandemic next....

Packaging Science

I need to buy shirts that don’t have that little plastic thingy in the collar.


Are you talking about the plastic band that goes around the collar when it's in the store?


Nope...they look like little white tabs that are shoved into the collar to make the point straight. Is there a name for those things?


There's also that plastic job that wraps around the top button...those things are a pain to take off after you buy a shirt.


Not to mention however the frig many pins they put in the shirt now...I always seem to miss one and end up stabbing myself the first time I put the shirt on.


And those paperclip-looking things...what are you supposed to do with those after you get those out?


Well, the bottom line is that the last 4 consecutive times I've done laundry, I've found one of those little plastic thingamajobbies in the bottom of the dryer. I don't know what shirt they came from, so I just set it aside pretending I'm going to search for its owner later. Realistically, I know better, which is why I now have a collection of 4 of these things sitting on top of my dryer.

Are they important? Anyone?


Incidentally, since the weather is supposed to be remarkably nice, Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow and will return on monday. Have a good weekend, everybody!

It's a bit like Freddy Kreuger in that regard...

It’s Baaaaaaaaaack...


I know! It simply refuses to die!


So yesterday morning, to my abject horror, I looked up to see The Famed Toaster of Hades back from the dead.


So now we're dealing with an undead zombie evil Toaster?


It certainly looks that way. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Especially since the hang time between my first sight of the Toaster and the first time I saw flames within it was approximately 2 minutes.


Did it claim your bagel as a sacrifice again?


Not this time. It was merely burning off the remnants of some breakfast past, but it's only a matter of time before it strikes again. I just hope I'm nearby when it does...toaster fires are pretty hilarious.


...when they don't happen to you.

Yes...that's happening.

Happy National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day, everybody!


Uhmm....yep.


So I'm lacking a little bit of creativity at the moment, so you get the bizarre holiday of the day as a Sametime Status. It's not the first time I've resorted to this type of lazy underhandedness, and probably won't be the last.


At least it's tasty.


However...some late-breaking news occurred earlier today, so tune in tomorrow to read all about it. It's big!

I never would have guessed

Moose don’t tessellate very well.


Why are you trying to fill a plane with Moose leaving no overlaps or gaps?


It's really quite simple. I made cookies.


Of course...that explains everything.


I had need to make cutout cookies in the shape of Moose (I added 2 squirrels with some of the left-over dough to add in a little extra amusement for myself). I rolled out my dough and began cutting out the Moose shapes, and in addition to being somewhat large, they don't lend themselves to arranging themselves nicely on the dough. This means I had to roll dough and cut Moose more times than any normal person would choose to do.

Turns out, the cookies were a rousing success, and I can tell you that they tasted good, too. One of the Moose broke a leg coming off the cookie sheet, so I had to eat that one. You just don't take broken cookies to a party, right?

Loud Guy Who Has the Office Next Door to Rhetorical Friday

When something is not working, it’s said to be “Out of Whack.” Is the ultimate goal to get everything “Into Whack”?


So then where does something being "Whacked Out" come into play?


Somewhere in between having something break because it got whacked, and whacking something to fix it, I guess.


Personally, I'd like to whack Rhetorical Friday.


But then things would be totally whacky.

They mug other people instead

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: Kids who hunt, fish, and trap don’t mug little old ladies.

Sorry everybody...busy day today, and I didn't have anything written in advance. You get a bumper sticker and that's about it. Tune in tomorrow!

Seems like a bit of a ripoff

The Oil Change people actually want me to pay $20 for an extra 21% Nitrogen


Well, nitrogen IS expensive, you know...


So I was getting the oil changed in my car not long ago, and I noticed a new "service" offered by the fine folks at the oil change place. They'll pump your tired to the recommended pressure for free, but if you ask, they'll fill them to the recommended pressure with NITROGEN for $5 per tire. My car is of the standard 4-tire variety, so this "service" would cost me $20.

The advantages of nitrogen (so they say) are numerous...including it's lighter than air, dryer than air and keeps pressure stable better than air.


Boy, that "Air" stuff sure sucks, doesn't it?


Sure does. There's a couple things they don't seem to point out when offering this "service" to good and decent paying customers. First, that "Air" stuff that they decry so much is composed of just over 78% Nitrogen already. Even if they were to use ultra-high purity Nitrogen, they'd get to 99.9% nitrogen. That buys you 21.8% extra nitrogen...which is actually pretty cheap to produce and certainly doesn't cost them $5 per tire to obtain.

Second, I didn't ask about this, but I'm reasonably certain that prior to filling your tires with Nitrogen, they do not fully purge out the gas already IN the tire...which for every sane member of the driving public is Air. If I had more time, I'd go through the calculations to figure out what the percentage of Oxygen is in the tires already and find out if they added a certain volume of pure nitrogen, what the residual Oxygen concentration would be. I'm certain it's not negligible. Even if they were to let all the Air out of the tires, getting it down to 0 PSI before filling it with Nitrogen, there would STILL be a measurable volume of Oxygen in the tire...since the tire would still maintain it's shape and not be reduced to a vacuumy pancake.

In short...a big, hearty NO THANKS to the chumps who want me to spend $20 filling my tires with the gas the "Professionals Use." (I'm actually not making that up...it was one of the selling points.)

It's also logical

More songs should take advantage of the rhyming relationship between “Dance” and “Pants”


"Dance in my Pants" isn't enough for you?


I listen to music fairly often...just a thing I do. I also tend to over-analyze things, often more for fun and amusement than anything else, but I also find patterns to be interesting. One pattern I've noticed is among those without a rhyming Beck-tionary, what words are used when a rhyme is necessary. It's remarkably easy as a lyricist to paint yourself into a corner and have a word that you need to rhyme with, but nothing seems to make sense in the counterpart position. It's unfortunate, and is probably what led to "freestyle" poetry replacing iambic pentameter and limerick as the style of choice. Validating my evolution of poetry is left as an exercise for the reader.

As an easy out, many lyricists stick with canned words and phrases when writing songs. For example, "Meet" and "Street" are used as a rhyming in at least 3 songs (See if you can name them), "Sun" and "One" is another common one, "Soul" and "Rock and Roll"...you get the idea.

Since it's musically related, many songs tend to involve the word "Dance". This leads to numerous opportunities to use words that rhyme with "Dance" to create lyrics. Sings like "Do You Wanna Dance," "Romance Dance," and "Romance in a Slow Dance" chose to use "Romance" as the rhyming pair. It fits, both logically and lyrically. It's also overused and cliche. The other overly common pairing is "Chance"...also fitting contextually as well as poetically.

Near as I can tell, and I can't be bothered to look it up, there is only one song in existence that uses the slightly loose rhyme between "Dance" and "Pants" to form a lyrical goldmine. Hats off to Jim Steinman for his genius in writing "Dance In My Pants." I invite other lyricists to follow suit and let "Pants" catch up to the cliched "Romance."

Shhhhhhh

Have a happy Peanut-Buttery Hangover day, everybody. Just do it quietly, please.


Hope you had a Happy Easter, too.


Indeed. Today is the day we all (and by "we all", I mean me) wake up with our candy-induced hangovers from eating too many peanut butter eggs on Easter. It comes around but once a year.


And your pancreas loves you for it. So how was the tournament?


The Frozen Four this past weekend was awesome! The new NCAA DI National Men's Ice Hockey Champion is officially Boston University, who defeated Miami of Ohio in a remarkably thrilling manner, coming from behind to force Overtime, then winning it on a flukey deflected goal. Good times.

So for now, I'm going to delete some more things out of my email...I'm over my quota again at work due to vacation, so I can't send any email until I whittle down the list. Hope you made the cut!

It's going to be freezing...or warm...not sure

I’m willing to get Frozen one more time


Frozen Four Bay-beeee!


So on Thursday, the NCAA Men's DI Frozen Four will commence in earnest down in our nation's capital. And what kind of lame hockey fan would I be if I wasn't there?


About as lame as last year, when you didn't go.


But that's beside the point. I'm totally going this year, and it's going to be all that. Hockey and rabble rousing...it just doesn't get any better than that. I do, however, have to make it through one last day of work before I head out. Wish me luck!


As a consequence of the Frozen Four, Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office starting tomorrow and returning on monday, April 13.

I'd enter!

Anyone can be a bread-winner if the contest is lame enough.


Are there any contests where the winner receives bread?


I'm not sure if there are any current ones, but there was a contest run by Nature's Own bread where you could win bread for a year. I wish I had known about it in advance.


So you got your play on words in today. Any other news?


Just a small tidbit. There will be a new NCAA Division 1 Men's Hockey champion this year!

There is a very good reason for that, and I'll explain a little more tomorrow. Enjoy your monday (as best you can...it is a monday and all)

I find my lack of faith disturbing

I make it a point not to trust any company that tells me I trust them in their commercials.


So telling people you're trustworthy isn't good enough?


Th every concept of advertising is deceitful. People make commercials so that their product or service appears better and more appealing than it really is. If you watch a commercial for McDonalds, they'll show you a perfect Big Mac with the bright green lettuce folded just so, buns perfectly stacked on each other, and the burger perfectly centered and peeking out from the edge of the bun. Go to a McDonalds and order a Big Mac, and you'll get the leaning tower of dull colors. Sauce everywhere, dull, soggy lettuce, and a full half inch of bun surrounding the patty itself.

So when I see a commercial, I know that the product on the screen is no especially indicative of the product I would receive should I actually go to the establishment. Burgers are juicier, cars are faster, stores have the products I'm looking for, sales are better...it's really a non-stop train to disappointment. Due to this, I really have no trust in commercials.

So when I hear the radio commercial every morning on my way to work for a local home improvement store that tells me that they have "the name you trust," I instantly dislike them. I've never been to the store, so they have never once provided me a good or service that lived up to my expectations, thus earning my trust. The bottom line is, I don't trust them, and for them to have the audacity to tell me that I do and give me no other option THAN to trust them means I find them to be manipulative liars...the very people I don't trust.

A New War Begins

“You're going to need a quart of peanut oil, some bubble wrap and as much yarn as you can find.” – Jeff Barnes


This will accomplish what, exactly?


I have no idea. It was a quote from last week's episode of Chuck...which was a really good show until a recent episode which contained a ridiculously shameless plug for a sandwich chain related to an underground rail system. This plug was so bad, it took me completely out of the story and into cursing SUBmarine sandwiches in a WAY that will probably prevent me from going to any of these restaurants for at least a month. Way to ruin my show, jerks.


So yesterday's Blag was a bit of fun.


Yes...so for those of you who didn't use Billy's translator or go through the work of reading the thing as written, I was deeply saddened to announce that the Famed Toaster Of Hades is no more. A new Son Of the Famed Toaster Of Hades has been put in its place.

As I was making my way to the adorably tiny cafeteria thing in my building, I was pondering what I could put in the Blag today. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for the guy who got to the Toaster a mere 30 seconds before me, inspiration came.

That's right, folks...a mere 2 days into its reign, Son Of the Famed Toaster Of Hades has claimed its first victim. Some guy's bagel got stuck against one of the heating elements and wouldn't come down the chute, leading to the inevitable burst of fiery death and a cleansing, yet ultimately unsatisfying charcoal breakfast. To his credit, the guy refused to let SOFTOH get the better of him, and he buttered his charred bagel and bought it as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Power to the people!

Farewell, Brave Warrior

retsaoT .P.I.R


.daed decnuonorp saw sedaH fo retsaoT demaF ehT ,gnihtemos htiw thgif suoegaruoc dna gnol a retfa ,yadretseY .swen das uoy gnirb ot decrof m'I ,sredaer layol ym lla oT


.ylimaf eht ot tuo og sreyarp dna sthguoht yM


.siht ekil dne ot ti tnaem reven I rof ,yrlavir ruo ssim ylurt lliw I .stnaw ti stnassiorc dna ,eseehc ,daerb derettub eht fo lla tsaot nac ti erehw ,ecalp retteb a ot enog sah ti taht deveileb si tI .nwonknu si lanigiro eht rof ecalp gnitser lanif eht dna ,tenibac daerb eht ot txen gninrom yadseuT derevocsid saw retsaoT wen ehT


.hteet sti morf gnuh legab detsaot-ecirht a fo stnanmer derrahc eht...gnigniws nwod tnew ti ,yllufepoH


!!!SMRA OT !ecnemmoc tsum elttab wen A .gnihctaw ton er’uoy fi roolf eht ot tuo thgiarts tsafkaerb detsaot-ylwen ruoy pmud ot ytiliba eht sah )HOTFOS( sedaH fO retsaoT demaF eht fO noS eht rof ,suoituac artxe eb won tsum enO .etuhc eht fo dne eht ta rehctac-daerb a ro ,aera gnigats a evah t’nseod ,rewols s’tI .retsaoT lanigiro eht naht redlo skool hguone ylegnarts hcihw...nwapS nataS wen a nrob si ecalp s’retsaoT ehT nI