It's True! All Cows do Eat Grass!

Is there some kind of mnemonic device that lets you remember how to spell mnemonic?


It's not overly straight-forward, is it?  


So mnemonic devices are simple, yet sometimes remarkably inane ways to memorize things, usually lists.  For example, the order of the planets can be remembered using the phrase "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas," or the more current "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Noodles," since Pluto's unfortunate demotion.  For some reason, people are more able to remember that nonsensical phrase than "Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and possibly Pluto."  Hooray, Oxford Comma!  

The same holds true for fictional mnemonic person Roy G Biv, which is a name nobody has ever heard outside of mnemonic devices.  Roy reminds us the order of colors in the spectrum is "Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet," even though this particular list is the only place you will ever use the word "indigo" to describe a color.  There Is Proof.

Either way, mnemonic is a difficult word to spell.  In fact, I've only gotten it right once while typing this...of course, I misspelled "typing" while typing that sentence, so I'm not necessarily the best example on this topic.  Like a handful of other words that have a bizarre silent letter to start, like pneumonia or psychology, mnemonic starts with a letter completely other than the sound the word makes at the beginning.  I have no idea how to remember this, so unless somebody comes up with a pithy mnemonic device for this, I'm afraid I'm going to have to rely on spellcheckers.  We awl no how well that can Gogh.  

I Need To Stop Reading The News

So I understand the Governor of New Jersey has a bridge he’d like to sell…

But who'd want to buy it?  It's in New Jersey.

I guess that's tangential to the point.  What we have going on recently in the world of manufactured political scandal is BridgeGate!  Or WaterBridge!  Or whatever moronic conglomeration of words involving "Water" and/or "Gate" people use to name manufactured political scandals these days.

For those unawares, and to be unawares, you need to be living in a cave and probably not reading self-proclaimed comedy blags on the internets, the governor of New Jersey, who is inexplicably compared to Kate Upton In This Article, didn't know that somebody on his staff managed to close some lanes on a bridge to New York.  This led to the horrible tragedy of people being late in New York.  The reason these lanes were closed is apparently, the mayor of the town the bridge is in didn't support the governor's reelection...perhaps because the governor is from the opposite political party.  

So, this is the political equivalent of putting somebody's hand in a bucket of warm water while they're sleeping, and it's all the governor's fault...if the over-sensationalized media are to be believed.  Conversely, if the other side of the over-sensationalized media are to be believed, the over-sensationalized media are only focusing on this story to draw your attention away from the REAL scandal of some other over-sensationalized nonsense that's being done by the other political party.  I hope that sentence made sense, but I can't be bothered to proofread.  

So, the governor had a press conference where he had to apologize a few times and say that he's sad about 83 million times, and all will be forgiven...until, of course, the governor actually tries to do something silly like...you know....govern.  Then, his political opponents will be all too eager to jump all over BridgeGate as an example of how the governor is ruining the state/country/economy/way of life/freedom/Christmas and they will proceed to do nothing.  

Ladies and Gentlemen....the current state of politics. 

It's A Sad Day

ALERT!  Bird Flu has claimed its first North American victim

It's a sad and sobering day for all of us.  Bird Flu has officially spread to North America.  We really have to wonder how long until it gets to all of us.

Indeed.  We all knew this day was coming, of course.  That doesn't make this terrible news any easier to take.  We are now one step closer to the inevitable Bird Flu pandemic we've feared for a long long time.  

So yesterday came reports from Vancouver that an unidentified Canadian citizen contracted the H5N1 Bird Flu while traveling abroad, became sick and died last week.  Tests confirmed this week that the cause of death was indeed Avian Influenza, and the media storm commenced.  Nobody knows how many people this poor traveler came in contact with on their flight from China to Vancouver, nor whether or not this horrible virus has mutated to be transmitted easily.  All we do know is that North America, formerly on high alert for Bird Flu, has officially received its first casualty in what is sure to be a long and unwinnable war. 

Seemed Like A Good Idea

So after all these years of making TVs thinner, now they’re curved to make them thick again?

The screen itself is still very thin.  I guess that's something.

So this week brings us the annual 2014 Consumer Electronics Show in sunny Las Vegas.  It's a bit of a party for nerds as giant tech companies and upstarts alike unveil what they promise to be the next great thing in electronic entertainment and productivity.   

Sure, the big announcement a couple years ago was 3D TVs and that flopped horribly, but you have to give them points for trying. 

Anyway, there doesn't appear to be much in the way of revolutionary innovation this year, as the biggest themes coming out of the show are new TVs.  They're no longer 3D, but they're bigger than before, they have more pixels than before, have screens that are more curved than before.  That's about it.  Even Michael Bay Can't Explain Why It's Better.  

What I don't understand is the fact that we've spent so long getting TVs that are thin so we can hang them on the wall and they don't take up space anymore, and now we need to curve the screen inward so the edges stick out away from the wall to take up space again.  From a form factor point of view, we're now officially going backwards.  I guess all that's important is that a new TV is out, and I'm supposed to buy one.  All it costs is...uhm...how much?

70 Thousand dollars. 

Dear Lord, you've got to be kidding me.  Forget it.

Ugli Fruit Is Much More Appropriate

I’m strangely indifferent about Passion Fruit

How could you?  Passion fruit is the greatest thing since...oh wait...I see what you did there.  

This came about not all that long ago as I was poring over the selection of flavored teas in the drawer in my office.  

I think that's enough about you going through your drawers.  

I have one that's Passion-Fruit based...with mango flavor as well, I guess.  It's not that great.  I probably had pretty high hopes for the stuff when I bought it, since I really like mango, and people tend to like passion fruit, but I don't seem to have a whole lot of use for it.  It's not that the stuff tastes bad (I'll leave that up to the Strawberry Pomegranate.  Awful stuff.  Just awful.), it's just that I'm entirely indifferent about it. 

It made me think of just how passionate I'm not about passion fruit and decided that it's a pretty substantial misnomer, at least as far as I'm concerned.  Maybe there are people out there who are truly passionate about it, and if you're one of them, do let me know.  Until then, I'm sticking with blueberry. 

It's A Problem

I'm now concerned about the fact that my bottle of ketchup looks like my bottle of honey


You know, they don't really taste the same.  Hopefully you solved your issue before it got too serious?


Thankfully, yes.

See, not all that long ago, somebody realized that certain, more viscous fluids, don't really lend themselves to squeeze bottles.  There is an awful lot of holding the thing upside down and shaking and squeezing and gassy noises involved before you really start to see results.  Ketchup and honey were among these fluids.  A new solution was required!  Behold the upside-down squeeze bottle.  The bottle is stored with the product at the entrance for easier access, and the lid is designed so that the bottle can stand on it.  It has a little vinyl valve at the bottom that prevent leaks until you actually squeeze, and success!  Many products have caught on with this concept, including the aforementioned honey and ketchup, but also mayonnaise, mustard, various other dressings, and cheese.

I happen to have at least two of these in my house.  As you may have guessed, ketchup and honey.  I store them in the same cupboard.  I store them right next to each other because that's how the tessellation works out best in that particular cupboard.  This morning, while making tea in my usual morning stupor, I grabbed an upside-down bottle, assuming it was honey.  Fortunately, I always measure my honey out into a spoon, so I realized I had grabbed ketchup before my tea became a tomato and vinegar-based disaster. 

I think I need to buy ketchup in the old-fashioned right-side-up bottles from now on.

This Is The Year We Get Bought Out By Comedy Central!

Happy New Year from Jeremy's Sametime Status!


I'd say Happy New Year back, but I don't really feel like talking to a Sametime Status.  It's not exactly real.


Neither are you.


That's beside the point entirely.  


So here we are, at the dawn of 2014.  A whole new year chock full of possibilities and checks with the wrong year written on them because really, nobody writes that many checks anymore.  I mean, if it wasn't for the local water department charging a 2 dollar "Convenience Fee" to pay online, I wouldn't pay any bills by check anymore.  How about it, town water department?  Get with the times and let me pay online without your bullcrap! 

I may have gotten off track. 


There does exist that possibility, yes.  


Anyway, since many of you know I made a New Year's Resolution a few years back to never again make New Year's Resolutions, and I fully intend to stick to that one, I can make no promises about the year of fresh all-new content waiting for you on the Blag here.  I know tomorrow's Sametime Status is a pretty good one, and there will be at least one Theme Week coming before too long here, but much beyond that, we just get to play it by ear.  I will, of course, pledge to make every effort to provide you with a whole year of the type of thoughtful and classy comedy stylings you've come to expect from Jeremy Is In The Office...


When did we start lying to the readers?  


 I'll also probably throw in a clunker every now and again.  Just so you're aware. 

So to all of you Loyal Readers out there, good riddance to 2013, and it's now officially full steam ahead for 2014!