People are like Slinkies. Basically useless, but it’s so amusing to watch them fall down the stairs.
I like watching people fall down the stairs. It's pretty amusing.
Well, I'd like to take today's Blag opportunity to edutain The Most Intelligent Readership In The World with the right and wrong ways to go down a flight of stairs. Here is an example of what we refer to in The Industry as "The Wrong Way."
Note how even in the best set of circumstances, the downward distance to be travelled was a bit too far to negotiate safely in one movement. Also, when attempting a descent down a flight of stairs, choosing a path parallel to the stairs themselves is a near imperative. In this case, because the stair-taker chose a path not parallel with the travel of the stairs, the intersection with the railing was inevitable. It was simply fortuitous (for us) that the intersection happened in the...uhm....shall we say "perilous" location that it did.
That's all very true and helpful information. But, is there an example of how to properly negotiate a flight of stairs?
An excellent question, and the answer is a hearty "Yes!" Allow me to now present you with what is referred to as "The Right Way."
Do note the smooth motion, perfectly in-line with the direction of the stairs. Also note the safe two-point landing at the base of the stairs, and the proper hand position during the descent.
I'd like each of you Loyar Readers to find a flight of stairs in your home or work and spend the rest of the day practicing this method and let me know how you do.
Thank you Jeremy. I'm off to practice right now!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
You'll note I didn't reject it, either
I’m Jeremy, and I did not approve this message.
Well maybe you should have gone over it once or twice first...you know...to make sure it doesn't suck.
Few things are more irritating than Election Season. And as much as I like to leave politics out of the Blag, I feel it's important to rant a little about the elections themselves.
Just make sure you get out and vote, people!
From now until November, every other commercial you see on TV will be for one election or another, particularly if you live in one of the "Swing States." No, this doesn't mean that they like to dance to jovial jazz-era music, it just means that people in your state aren't sure how they're going to vote and you need the politicians to tell you how to vote so they can tell you how to live after they're elected. It makes perfect sense really.
Sure does. I want to be a slave to The Man!
To make things even more fun, half of the commercials will only be about telling you why you shouldn't vote for the other guy. It's called "Negative Campaigning" and is the first tactic turned to by every candidate who says they won't resort to Negative Campaigning.
So what I'm proposing here is that you elect Me for Office. I don't particularly care which office, so just write my name in wherever you'd like. I feel that I'm the best candidate, and I don't really care who I'm running against. I have no idea what my platform is or what I stand for, but I will make this one promise to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World: I will NOT run for re-election! That's right, you will not see a single campaign commercial from my at the end of my term. That alone, I think is reason enough to elect me. Remember...VOTE JEREMY!
Well maybe you should have gone over it once or twice first...you know...to make sure it doesn't suck.
Few things are more irritating than Election Season. And as much as I like to leave politics out of the Blag, I feel it's important to rant a little about the elections themselves.
Just make sure you get out and vote, people!
From now until November, every other commercial you see on TV will be for one election or another, particularly if you live in one of the "Swing States." No, this doesn't mean that they like to dance to jovial jazz-era music, it just means that people in your state aren't sure how they're going to vote and you need the politicians to tell you how to vote so they can tell you how to live after they're elected. It makes perfect sense really.
Sure does. I want to be a slave to The Man!
To make things even more fun, half of the commercials will only be about telling you why you shouldn't vote for the other guy. It's called "Negative Campaigning" and is the first tactic turned to by every candidate who says they won't resort to Negative Campaigning.
So what I'm proposing here is that you elect Me for Office. I don't particularly care which office, so just write my name in wherever you'd like. I feel that I'm the best candidate, and I don't really care who I'm running against. I have no idea what my platform is or what I stand for, but I will make this one promise to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World: I will NOT run for re-election! That's right, you will not see a single campaign commercial from my at the end of my term. That alone, I think is reason enough to elect me. Remember...VOTE JEREMY!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Living up to potential
The Olympics don’t start until 8:00PM, and I’m already sick of swimming and running.
There are numerous problems with The Olympics.
Oh boy...here we go again.
So, let's start off with the fact that there are hundreds upon hundreds of events packed into a 2-week span, which means that at any given time, some sport is happening. That said, NBC and its affiliate networks are going to show games in 3-minute increments when an American is supposed to win, amid hours of "fluff" about Little Johnny's life back on his Wisconsin farm and growing up without a left pinky toe. Here's a tip, NBC...I don't give a crap. Show Little Johnny when he's actually running, riding, or jumping off of something.
Yes, yes...the well-documented "Fluff" speech. This is your big issue?
Far from it. My second biggest gripe is the diversity in the same events. There will be plenty of airtime for running. Why? Because We get to watch people run 100 meters. Then 200 meters. Then 400 meters. Then 800 meters. Then 1500 meters. Then 3000 meters. Then 5000 meters. Then Marathon. Then the same thing in relays. Then repeat most of those with crap in the way (Hurdles, I guess they're called). Seriously? It's people running. We need 2 of these. Maybe 3. Same with swimming. 50m, 100m, 200m, 400m, 1500m, freestyle, backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly, medley, relay. It's all the same thing! People trying not to drown. Let's whittle that list to 4 events and say, "Here's people swimming" and move on. Did you even know that 10-Meter Air Pistol Shooting is an Olympic event? No. Why? Because we spend too much time on running and swimming.
But people like running and swimming.
You're assuming that people won't like Judo and Fencing and Field Hockey. People never get a chance to appreciate these other sports. Why not? That brings me to my biggest issue...
The focus on events simply because Americans are supposed to win. We're going to get treated to lots and lots of gymnastics because of Shawn Johnson. We'll also get to watch lots and lots of swimming for Michael Phelps. That's all well and good, but there are MANY perfectly worthwhile sporting events that will be more entertaining than the 1500m freestyle swim (That's 30 laps for those scoring at home). Americans, and the United States as a whole, put more time and effort into training for the Olympics than any other country in the world. This is based on an exhaustive study performed without research while writing this paragraph. But it makes sense, since the US typically has the largest contingent of athletes in the games and takes home the most medals (at least for the Summer Games). Despite that, Americans are not favoured to win every event. We likely won't be medalling in ANY women's shooting event, or Rhythmic Gymnastics (Which is totally worth watching for Various Reasons), and the US didn't even manage to qualify a Team Handball Team. So, despite the fact that elite athletes from all over the world will be competing in these equally entertaining games, we won't get to see them.
NBC bases all of their Olympics coverage around the fact that the people are more interesting than the games themselves. It's why we get to watch Fluff instead of Sport, and it's why we get to watch Americans winning instead of sports that we normally don't get to watch. That said, I enjoy watching the Olympics for the brief moments of Badminton, Table Tennis, Rowing, and Indoor Volleyball that are harder to come by in between Olympiads. It's something different. I'll just have to wade through a whole lot of swimming and running to get to it.
There are numerous problems with The Olympics.
Oh boy...here we go again.
So, let's start off with the fact that there are hundreds upon hundreds of events packed into a 2-week span, which means that at any given time, some sport is happening. That said, NBC and its affiliate networks are going to show games in 3-minute increments when an American is supposed to win, amid hours of "fluff" about Little Johnny's life back on his Wisconsin farm and growing up without a left pinky toe. Here's a tip, NBC...I don't give a crap. Show Little Johnny when he's actually running, riding, or jumping off of something.
Yes, yes...the well-documented "Fluff" speech. This is your big issue?
Far from it. My second biggest gripe is the diversity in the same events. There will be plenty of airtime for running. Why? Because We get to watch people run 100 meters. Then 200 meters. Then 400 meters. Then 800 meters. Then 1500 meters. Then 3000 meters. Then 5000 meters. Then Marathon. Then the same thing in relays. Then repeat most of those with crap in the way (Hurdles, I guess they're called). Seriously? It's people running. We need 2 of these. Maybe 3. Same with swimming. 50m, 100m, 200m, 400m, 1500m, freestyle, backstroke, breaststroke, butterfly, medley, relay. It's all the same thing! People trying not to drown. Let's whittle that list to 4 events and say, "Here's people swimming" and move on. Did you even know that 10-Meter Air Pistol Shooting is an Olympic event? No. Why? Because we spend too much time on running and swimming.
But people like running and swimming.
You're assuming that people won't like Judo and Fencing and Field Hockey. People never get a chance to appreciate these other sports. Why not? That brings me to my biggest issue...
The focus on events simply because Americans are supposed to win. We're going to get treated to lots and lots of gymnastics because of Shawn Johnson. We'll also get to watch lots and lots of swimming for Michael Phelps. That's all well and good, but there are MANY perfectly worthwhile sporting events that will be more entertaining than the 1500m freestyle swim (That's 30 laps for those scoring at home). Americans, and the United States as a whole, put more time and effort into training for the Olympics than any other country in the world. This is based on an exhaustive study performed without research while writing this paragraph. But it makes sense, since the US typically has the largest contingent of athletes in the games and takes home the most medals (at least for the Summer Games). Despite that, Americans are not favoured to win every event. We likely won't be medalling in ANY women's shooting event, or Rhythmic Gymnastics (Which is totally worth watching for Various Reasons), and the US didn't even manage to qualify a Team Handball Team. So, despite the fact that elite athletes from all over the world will be competing in these equally entertaining games, we won't get to see them.
NBC bases all of their Olympics coverage around the fact that the people are more interesting than the games themselves. It's why we get to watch Fluff instead of Sport, and it's why we get to watch Americans winning instead of sports that we normally don't get to watch. That said, I enjoy watching the Olympics for the brief moments of Badminton, Table Tennis, Rowing, and Indoor Volleyball that are harder to come by in between Olympiads. It's something different. I'll just have to wade through a whole lot of swimming and running to get to it.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Then, the Blag explodes!
The ultimate story for men: Hamlet sips some whiskey while punching a man in the nose. Ophelia says she's crazy for him and they go on a helicopter ride. A ghost appears, and when Hamlet high fives him, he explodes! Then Denmark explodes.
This sounds pretty sexist. I'll prepare the court papers.
Well then you'll be preparing court papers for T-Rex of the whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics!
Ahh....should have recognized the one-sided ramblings of T-Rex. I always prefer the more even-keeled Utahraptor. That guy's pretty smart.
This sounds pretty sexist. I'll prepare the court papers.
Well then you'll be preparing court papers for T-Rex of the whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics!
Ahh....should have recognized the one-sided ramblings of T-Rex. I always prefer the more even-keeled Utahraptor. That guy's pretty smart.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Zoooooooooooom!
Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Week: "American Muscle Car Association." Why? It was on a Kia Spectra!
Those Kia Spectra are pretty quick...
Okay, let's forget the fact that the Kia Spectra produces an outstanding 138 horsepower, capable of blowing any go-kart off the line, and focus on the fact that this particular bumper sticker was on a Spectra 5. This, of course, is the sorta Station-Wagonesque version of the Spectra. Station Wagons are rarely, if ever, considered "Muscle Cars".
So it's not exactly a muscle car. Cars can dream too, can't they?
Let's also ignore the Non-Muscle Car aspects of the Kia Spectra 5 and consider the fact that it sported an "American Muscle Car Association" sticker while being made by a South Korean company.
This car fails every aspect of its bumper sticker.
Those Kia Spectra are pretty quick...
Okay, let's forget the fact that the Kia Spectra produces an outstanding 138 horsepower, capable of blowing any go-kart off the line, and focus on the fact that this particular bumper sticker was on a Spectra 5. This, of course, is the sorta Station-Wagonesque version of the Spectra. Station Wagons are rarely, if ever, considered "Muscle Cars".
So it's not exactly a muscle car. Cars can dream too, can't they?
Let's also ignore the Non-Muscle Car aspects of the Kia Spectra 5 and consider the fact that it sported an "American Muscle Car Association" sticker while being made by a South Korean company.
This car fails every aspect of its bumper sticker.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
In my best Jay Sherman impression, "It stinks!"
I don't really care if you’re a celebrity chef. Don’t tell me to put "Stinking Nightshade" in my salad.
Yeah, isn't Stinking Nightshade poisonous?
Yes, but that didn't stop Celebrity chef Anthony Worrall Thompson from recommending it as a tasty addition to summer salads.
Apparently, he meant to say "Fat Hen" instead of "Henbane."
Yes, I can see where the confusion comes from. My issue with this whole thing isn't the toxic nature of henbane, but the fact that somebody actually told people to put something called "Stinking Nightshade" into food. Simply because something is green does not mean it's salad.
And now, just because it's poisonous doesn't mean it's not food.
The good news is that despite all this hubbub, nobody seems to have died from adding poison to their salad based on this chef's recommendation.
Probably because it stinks.
Yeah, isn't Stinking Nightshade poisonous?
Yes, but that didn't stop Celebrity chef Anthony Worrall Thompson from recommending it as a tasty addition to summer salads.
Apparently, he meant to say "Fat Hen" instead of "Henbane."
Yes, I can see where the confusion comes from. My issue with this whole thing isn't the toxic nature of henbane, but the fact that somebody actually told people to put something called "Stinking Nightshade" into food. Simply because something is green does not mean it's salad.
And now, just because it's poisonous doesn't mean it's not food.
The good news is that despite all this hubbub, nobody seems to have died from adding poison to their salad based on this chef's recommendation.
Probably because it stinks.
Monday, August 4, 2008
You can't touch this
The good news is, The Team of Matt and Jeremy remains undefeated in tournament play.
Not that I'm doubting you, but this sounds like one of those good news/bad news situations.
Well, yes...but that's hardly the point. The bad news, of course, is that despite now being registered for 4 volleyball tournaments, The Team of Matt and Jeremy has yet to play a single game. Appearances and entire tournaments have been cancelled every time, preventing The Team from ever actually being on the court.
So you also haven't WON a game...
We prefer to say The Team is undefeated. In fact, this past weekend was the closest we've come. the weather forecast was spotty, but it looked like we were going to get the games in. However, as The Team was officiating the second match of the day, preparing to play in the third, the skies opened up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the tournament came to a sullen end, once again, without Matt and Jeremy as the champions.
It's just a matter of time, really.
True enough, but if you're the betting type, you can beat the rush and predict the weather forecast for August 30th. Rain, thunder, hail, tornadoes, and locusts.
Not that I'm doubting you, but this sounds like one of those good news/bad news situations.
Well, yes...but that's hardly the point. The bad news, of course, is that despite now being registered for 4 volleyball tournaments, The Team of Matt and Jeremy has yet to play a single game. Appearances and entire tournaments have been cancelled every time, preventing The Team from ever actually being on the court.
So you also haven't WON a game...
We prefer to say The Team is undefeated. In fact, this past weekend was the closest we've come. the weather forecast was spotty, but it looked like we were going to get the games in. However, as The Team was officiating the second match of the day, preparing to play in the third, the skies opened up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the tournament came to a sullen end, once again, without Matt and Jeremy as the champions.
It's just a matter of time, really.
True enough, but if you're the betting type, you can beat the rush and predict the weather forecast for August 30th. Rain, thunder, hail, tornadoes, and locusts.
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