The Toaster has Minions!
This is nothing short of terrifying. What happened?
So, you remember the Famed Toaster of Hades, right? Well, its influence has spread. Much farther and faster than anyone could have possibly anticipated. We're all in danger. In fact, if The Toaster manages to team up with Bird Flu, we're all doomed.
But seriously...
News reports came out yesterday of an evacuation of the City Hall in Portland Oregon. Was it a bomb scare? Terrorism? No...it was a disciple of the Famed Toaster of Hades torching some unsuspecting civil employee's bagel.
I guess we can take some levity out of this situation by pointing out that the Mayor's name is Sam Adams.
We can and should enjoy that fact...it's the only ray of light in this otherwise foreboding story.
Special thanks to Loyal Reader Jeff for sending us this important news item.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
PS: I hate you
Hey Mother Nature...Is this some kind of joke?
It's just a little snow. What are you all whiny about?
It seems like only a couple days ago, it was a spring-like 50 degrees outside.
That was monday. Get over it.
Then totally out of the blue, I wake up to school closings, cars off the road, a snowplow stuck in the middle of the school's playground (I'm still not entirely sure how that happened, but it must have been interesting), and at least 2 accidents slowing down traffic on my commute. It's annoying. Winter needs to stop.
Please stop, Winter. You suck.
It's just a little snow. What are you all whiny about?
It seems like only a couple days ago, it was a spring-like 50 degrees outside.
That was monday. Get over it.
Then totally out of the blue, I wake up to school closings, cars off the road, a snowplow stuck in the middle of the school's playground (I'm still not entirely sure how that happened, but it must have been interesting), and at least 2 accidents slowing down traffic on my commute. It's annoying. Winter needs to stop.
Please stop, Winter. You suck.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
It's in your best interests
Does anyone besides me follow Bush's instructions during "Machinehead"?
Breathe in, breathe out? I certainly hope you're not alone in this.
It's not so much the actions themselves, but the timing. When I hear the song, which considering how old and not good a song it is is surprisingly often, I can't help but to breathe in time with the music. It's a little weird.
Breathe in, breathe out? I certainly hope you're not alone in this.
It's not so much the actions themselves, but the timing. When I hear the song, which considering how old and not good a song it is is surprisingly often, I can't help but to breathe in time with the music. It's a little weird.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
You should know why
Today's Sametime Status includes the word "Unctuous"
And why is that exactly?
Never entirely sure. It just seemed like a good word to include in a Sametime Status.
Is it part of a more substantial message?
Sure isn't.
So why are we still here?
No idea. You must be bored.
And why is that exactly?
Never entirely sure. It just seemed like a good word to include in a Sametime Status.
Is it part of a more substantial message?
Sure isn't.
So why are we still here?
No idea. You must be bored.
Monday, January 25, 2010
HONK HONK!!!
Bumper Sticker Of The Day: "Honk If You Love Cheeses"
Who doesn't love cheeses?
Lactose intolerant people.
They may still love cheeses, but not be able to process them. That was a very insensitive comment, Jeremy.
Fair enough. I apologize to all cheese-loving lactose intolerant people out there.
Better. So you actually saw this bumper sticker?
Indeed I did. It was a little weird. I have this problem with bumper stickers all the time. If somebody has the back of their car wallpapered with bumper stickers, that's up to them. But if you only have one or two, you're really picking your battles. You have actively decided what message you want to send to the world about yourself. In this particular case, this guy likes cheese.
Don't get me wrong...cheese is basically awesome. I just don't feel enough about it to tell the world that the one thing they need to know about me is that I like cheese.
You like it enough to write about it on a blag.
That's not the point.
Who doesn't love cheeses?
Lactose intolerant people.
They may still love cheeses, but not be able to process them. That was a very insensitive comment, Jeremy.
Fair enough. I apologize to all cheese-loving lactose intolerant people out there.
Better. So you actually saw this bumper sticker?
Indeed I did. It was a little weird. I have this problem with bumper stickers all the time. If somebody has the back of their car wallpapered with bumper stickers, that's up to them. But if you only have one or two, you're really picking your battles. You have actively decided what message you want to send to the world about yourself. In this particular case, this guy likes cheese.
Don't get me wrong...cheese is basically awesome. I just don't feel enough about it to tell the world that the one thing they need to know about me is that I like cheese.
You like it enough to write about it on a blag.
That's not the point.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I neither have nor want any of these things
Jersey on a truck, with a whisper of luck...
This means roughly nothing.
Yes, I know.
So what's it doing here. We're hoping for information or entertainment on the Blag.
Strictly speaking, it's a figment of my imagination.
So am I, but I usually make sense.
More specifically, today's Sametime Status is a portion of the lyrics to the country music song I was writing in a dream I had recently.
I don't often remember my dreams, but when I do, I decide to share them with you...especially if they're as insipid as this. I've often thought about becoming a country music superstar. It's not all that hard. All I need is a wife, dog, gun, or pickup truck, lose one of them, and lament the loss of same. Money pours in.
So I was writing this country song in my sleep, and woke up for some reason, which is the only reason I remember it. At the time (and maybe only in my sleep, because otherwise, it makes no sense at all) I remembered thinking that this line was hauntingly beautiful. In hindsight, it's crap. And nothing good has ever happened because of New Jersey. So it looks like my dreams of country music celebrity will have to wait a little while longer. Anyone selling a pickup truck? Cheap?
This means roughly nothing.
Yes, I know.
So what's it doing here. We're hoping for information or entertainment on the Blag.
Strictly speaking, it's a figment of my imagination.
So am I, but I usually make sense.
More specifically, today's Sametime Status is a portion of the lyrics to the country music song I was writing in a dream I had recently.
I don't often remember my dreams, but when I do, I decide to share them with you...especially if they're as insipid as this. I've often thought about becoming a country music superstar. It's not all that hard. All I need is a wife, dog, gun, or pickup truck, lose one of them, and lament the loss of same. Money pours in.
So I was writing this country song in my sleep, and woke up for some reason, which is the only reason I remember it. At the time (and maybe only in my sleep, because otherwise, it makes no sense at all) I remembered thinking that this line was hauntingly beautiful. In hindsight, it's crap. And nothing good has ever happened because of New Jersey. So it looks like my dreams of country music celebrity will have to wait a little while longer. Anyone selling a pickup truck? Cheap?
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Really, though...we do have time for that now
While I agree that this may not be a party or a disco, it could, in fact, be fooling around
Today's Sametime Status courtesy of The Talking Heads, and the lyrics to their song, "Life During Wartime."
Today's Sametime Status courtesy of The Talking Heads, and the lyrics to their song, "Life During Wartime."
Monday, January 18, 2010
Robert Wuhl told me so
In a bit of Revisionist History, Stuffed Cabbage was invented not by a Chef, but by a really bored Engineer
I love Revisionist Histories. You always learn something new...mostly because they're made-up nonsense.
History is always "Based On A True Story." So here's the true story behind this delicacy.
Shouldn't you have True in quotation marks up there?
Some time ago, Nautical Engineer Stanley Krawczyk was studying Cole's Law of Thermodynamics as it relates to pressure build-up in an airlock system. Krawczyk was redesigning airlocks for Polish submarines, because apparently, the original design had a leak for some reason. While doing his research, he had a sudden and unexplained hankering for cabbage. After seeing the outrageous price for cabbage stew at the university's commissary and buying an apple instead, he decided to go across the street to buy a cabbage in order to make his own stew that night.
That was a really long way to go for a joke. Most readers probably won't get either of the jokes you embedded in that paragraph.
Krawczyk sat in his office working on his new airlock design, and as engineers often do, he became bored and started playing with the head of cabbage on his desk. He was particularly intrigued by the way the leaves were all very tightly wrapped and interweaved. Due to the inexplicable urge embedded in all engineers to take stuff apart to see how it works, he began to unwrap the cabbage head leaf by leaf to examine the inner workings...which most people would know is simply more leaves...but he was curious. After 3 full hours, his former cabbage had been reduced to a giant pile of individual leaves strewn about his desk...completely unfit for stew-making. A new dinner solution was required.
After he went home, he wrapped his individual cabbage leaves around some ground meat he had laying around, (since that's what you do with vegetables to make them taste better) and baked them with some tomato sauce. With that, the famous Polish delicacy Golumpki (stuffed cabbage) was born. It has to be true...because, seriously...why the frig would anybody ever think to do this?
So what did you make for dinner last night?
Stuffed cabbage, why?
I love Revisionist Histories. You always learn something new...mostly because they're made-up nonsense.
History is always "Based On A True Story." So here's the true story behind this delicacy.
Shouldn't you have True in quotation marks up there?
Some time ago, Nautical Engineer Stanley Krawczyk was studying Cole's Law of Thermodynamics as it relates to pressure build-up in an airlock system. Krawczyk was redesigning airlocks for Polish submarines, because apparently, the original design had a leak for some reason. While doing his research, he had a sudden and unexplained hankering for cabbage. After seeing the outrageous price for cabbage stew at the university's commissary and buying an apple instead, he decided to go across the street to buy a cabbage in order to make his own stew that night.
That was a really long way to go for a joke. Most readers probably won't get either of the jokes you embedded in that paragraph.
Krawczyk sat in his office working on his new airlock design, and as engineers often do, he became bored and started playing with the head of cabbage on his desk. He was particularly intrigued by the way the leaves were all very tightly wrapped and interweaved. Due to the inexplicable urge embedded in all engineers to take stuff apart to see how it works, he began to unwrap the cabbage head leaf by leaf to examine the inner workings...which most people would know is simply more leaves...but he was curious. After 3 full hours, his former cabbage had been reduced to a giant pile of individual leaves strewn about his desk...completely unfit for stew-making. A new dinner solution was required.
After he went home, he wrapped his individual cabbage leaves around some ground meat he had laying around, (since that's what you do with vegetables to make them taste better) and baked them with some tomato sauce. With that, the famous Polish delicacy Golumpki (stuffed cabbage) was born. It has to be true...because, seriously...why the frig would anybody ever think to do this?
So what did you make for dinner last night?
Stuffed cabbage, why?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Healthy Blagging for a Healthy Life
Sametime Statuses are delicious, and good for you too!
With this knowledge, it's a little surprising that people aren't more grateful to you for providing this helpful and heathful service.
I know. People come to me on occasion and say they enjoyed the blag...but nobody ever really thanks me for it.
I was kidding. This stuff is nonsense and everyone knows it.
But it's an amusing diversion for a Friday!
Happy weekend, everybody!
With this knowledge, it's a little surprising that people aren't more grateful to you for providing this helpful and heathful service.
I know. People come to me on occasion and say they enjoyed the blag...but nobody ever really thanks me for it.
I was kidding. This stuff is nonsense and everyone knows it.
But it's an amusing diversion for a Friday!
Happy weekend, everybody!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Environmentally Friendly Blagging
Today’s Sametime Status generated Zero Landfill Space
That's very environmentally conscious of you, Jeremy. What brought this on?
I don't know...I guess some of the proponents of global climate change have recently been proven to be full of crap, and the earth may not actually be warming up. That said, I want the earth to warm up, because it's frickin' cold outside. So you'd think I'd want to be environmentally unfriendly...but the same proponents who have been telling us to be more aware of our carbon footprint and that sort of nonsense were wrong before, so maybe they're wrong again, and I just can't take that chance.
My head hurts.
So today's blag is entirely Eco-friendly. Zero landfill space will be used, it was typed on a recycled keyboard, and I'm currently in the process of replacing my monitor with a low-energy CFL bulb. It doesn't have quite the resolution of an LCD monitor, but I think it's worth the sacrifice.
That's very environmentally conscious of you, Jeremy. What brought this on?
I don't know...I guess some of the proponents of global climate change have recently been proven to be full of crap, and the earth may not actually be warming up. That said, I want the earth to warm up, because it's frickin' cold outside. So you'd think I'd want to be environmentally unfriendly...but the same proponents who have been telling us to be more aware of our carbon footprint and that sort of nonsense were wrong before, so maybe they're wrong again, and I just can't take that chance.
My head hurts.
So today's blag is entirely Eco-friendly. Zero landfill space will be used, it was typed on a recycled keyboard, and I'm currently in the process of replacing my monitor with a low-energy CFL bulb. It doesn't have quite the resolution of an LCD monitor, but I think it's worth the sacrifice.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I'm really not making this one up
Happy Rubber Duckie Day, everybody!
Woohoo! Rubber Duckie Day! Everyone should have a rubber duckie.
Who doesn't?
Certainly not you....you have like 3 dozen of them.
Right you are. Anyway...it's almost 2:00 here and I just finished lunch. It's been a ridiculously busy week, but I couldn't let you guys go 2 whole days without a Blag, so here you go. Also, I wanted to give everyone a heads up that in just a couple short weeks, I'll be kicking off what is sure to be one of my favourite Theme Week Quizzes of all time. It's going to be so great, I want to start it early, but it just wouldn't make sense. You'll understand. Look for that starting in February. It's gonna be a thing!
Woohoo! Rubber Duckie Day! Everyone should have a rubber duckie.
Who doesn't?
Certainly not you....you have like 3 dozen of them.
Right you are. Anyway...it's almost 2:00 here and I just finished lunch. It's been a ridiculously busy week, but I couldn't let you guys go 2 whole days without a Blag, so here you go. Also, I wanted to give everyone a heads up that in just a couple short weeks, I'll be kicking off what is sure to be one of my favourite Theme Week Quizzes of all time. It's going to be so great, I want to start it early, but it just wouldn't make sense. You'll understand. Look for that starting in February. It's gonna be a thing!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hey Internetz! Watch me!
I'm replacing Jay Leno at 10:00
Your opening monologue is going to be fantastic. I wrote it for you.
That's good to know. In case anybody missed it, the failed experiment that is the Jay Leno show being on at 10:00 is officially over. Rumour has it that local affiliates were more concerned about the ratings than NBC was, because it led to low ratings on their 11:00 news shows. Apparently, people are too lazy to change the channel even when they have a remote control. Amazing.
Your opening monologue is going to be fantastic. I wrote it for you.
That's good to know. In case anybody missed it, the failed experiment that is the Jay Leno show being on at 10:00 is officially over. Rumour has it that local affiliates were more concerned about the ratings than NBC was, because it led to low ratings on their 11:00 news shows. Apparently, people are too lazy to change the channel even when they have a remote control. Amazing.
Friday, January 8, 2010
I'm a classic
Writing Statuses since before Facebook made it cool.
The corollary being that writing Sametime Statuses makes you cool?
Sure. Why not?
Whatever helps you sleep.
So Facebook came along in the last few years and totally crashed my turf. People now come up with status messages on a fairly regular basis. People can visit and indicate their approval and leave comments and such. Sounds remarkably like a blag, doesn't it? Well, mine's better...because I'm not limited to a certain number of characters like a Facebook status or a tweet or something like that. I just get yelled at by coworkers, because now, the Sametime Status shows up in the chat window, and if it's too long, it takes up the whole screen. I'm more amused by this than anything else, but apparently, some people use the IM program for work or something. Nonsense.
Anyway...far be it from me to be far behind the times (Though I still don't have my Droid), so feel free to head on over to Facebook and become a Fan of Jeremy Is In The Office!
www.facebook.com/jeremyisintheoffice
I actually wonder if anybody's going to do that....
The corollary being that writing Sametime Statuses makes you cool?
Sure. Why not?
Whatever helps you sleep.
So Facebook came along in the last few years and totally crashed my turf. People now come up with status messages on a fairly regular basis. People can visit and indicate their approval and leave comments and such. Sounds remarkably like a blag, doesn't it? Well, mine's better...because I'm not limited to a certain number of characters like a Facebook status or a tweet or something like that. I just get yelled at by coworkers, because now, the Sametime Status shows up in the chat window, and if it's too long, it takes up the whole screen. I'm more amused by this than anything else, but apparently, some people use the IM program for work or something. Nonsense.
Anyway...far be it from me to be far behind the times (Though I still don't have my Droid), so feel free to head on over to Facebook and become a Fan of Jeremy Is In The Office!
www.facebook.com/jeremyisintheoffice
I actually wonder if anybody's going to do that....
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Then beat them some more
If you can’t beat them, beat them. They’ll expect you to join them, and you’ll have the element of surprise.
Isn't that what most people do to you for the terrible jokes you post here on the blag?
First of all, my jokes are amazing.
Amazingly bad.
Second of all, fewer than one half of my loyal readers actually hit me for something I post here. At least one will appreciate the fact that I used the word "fewer" in the previous sentence.
Isn't that what most people do to you for the terrible jokes you post here on the blag?
First of all, my jokes are amazing.
Amazingly bad.
Second of all, fewer than one half of my loyal readers actually hit me for something I post here. At least one will appreciate the fact that I used the word "fewer" in the previous sentence.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Buy my album!
Now eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
Congratulations, Jeremy. I hope you get in this time...I know you've felt snubbed the last few years, what with never putting out an album of really anything...ever...but I'm sure it's going to happen for you now.
Halls of Fame suck.
In a world where we pay way too much attention and money to things that really don't matter (sports, movies, etc...), celebrities have become so absurdly obsessed with themselves and their accomplishments that it's getting a little weird. My main issue with this type of nonsense is, of course, awards ceremonies. I just saw a commercial saying that the Grammy awards were coming up. That's for music...but wasn't there a whole bunch of ruckus about Taylor Swift's acceptance speech being interrupted not all that long ago? Isn't she a musician? So maybe I'm wrong here, but if we very recently had an awards show for musicians, why are we now having another awards show for musicians? Apparently, musicians have nothing better to do than get dressed up and receive award after award for the same song. If they're so bored, how's about coming over to my place and shoveling the driveway or something?
You couldn't afford that.
Building on this premise, the ultimate awards ceremony is the Hall of Fame. People gather in a building to look at a non-stop award to somebody for a job well done. Be it somebody who used to be good at Baseball, Football, Hockey, Lacrosse (It's in Baltimore, don't bother looking it up), Curling (also not making it up...Orleans, Ontario), Polka (Euclid, OH), or being a Robot (Pittsburgh, PA). Seriously? Fricking HAL 9000 is in a Hall of Fame?!?!
The main purpose for Halls of Fames' existance is so that they can hold induction ceremonies. Yes...an awards show. It's a great way to bring in people who are interested in seeing somebody or something they admire in person getting an award. This works out well for the Hall of Fame because people actually come to the place they normally wouldn't go to and spend money that they normally would spend elsewhere. Aside from Induction Ceremony Day, Halls of Fame barely exist. The inherent issue here is that invariably, Halls of Fame run out of people worth inducting. Since they MUST hold an induction ceremony to make money, SOMEBODY has to get elected and inducted every year. To that end, they decide to induct somebody who had been passed over previously, since people apparently get an indeterminate number of tries to get elected, or somebody who's not quite up to the previous standard of quality required for election. All that really happens is over the years, the quality of the Hall of Fame and the prestige associated with being inducted is decreased.
This week brought news that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, OH is lowering their election standards because they've run out of worthy people to induct. Rather than accept that there aren't any good bands left who are induction-worthy, it is apparently more important to the Hall of Fame to hold an induction ceremony, so they will elect a lesser band. Good job! You've officially sold out.
Maybe I'll start a Sell-Out Hall of Fame....
Congratulations, Jeremy. I hope you get in this time...I know you've felt snubbed the last few years, what with never putting out an album of really anything...ever...but I'm sure it's going to happen for you now.
Halls of Fame suck.
In a world where we pay way too much attention and money to things that really don't matter (sports, movies, etc...), celebrities have become so absurdly obsessed with themselves and their accomplishments that it's getting a little weird. My main issue with this type of nonsense is, of course, awards ceremonies. I just saw a commercial saying that the Grammy awards were coming up. That's for music...but wasn't there a whole bunch of ruckus about Taylor Swift's acceptance speech being interrupted not all that long ago? Isn't she a musician? So maybe I'm wrong here, but if we very recently had an awards show for musicians, why are we now having another awards show for musicians? Apparently, musicians have nothing better to do than get dressed up and receive award after award for the same song. If they're so bored, how's about coming over to my place and shoveling the driveway or something?
You couldn't afford that.
Building on this premise, the ultimate awards ceremony is the Hall of Fame. People gather in a building to look at a non-stop award to somebody for a job well done. Be it somebody who used to be good at Baseball, Football, Hockey, Lacrosse (It's in Baltimore, don't bother looking it up), Curling (also not making it up...Orleans, Ontario), Polka (Euclid, OH), or being a Robot (Pittsburgh, PA). Seriously? Fricking HAL 9000 is in a Hall of Fame?!?!
The main purpose for Halls of Fames' existance is so that they can hold induction ceremonies. Yes...an awards show. It's a great way to bring in people who are interested in seeing somebody or something they admire in person getting an award. This works out well for the Hall of Fame because people actually come to the place they normally wouldn't go to and spend money that they normally would spend elsewhere. Aside from Induction Ceremony Day, Halls of Fame barely exist. The inherent issue here is that invariably, Halls of Fame run out of people worth inducting. Since they MUST hold an induction ceremony to make money, SOMEBODY has to get elected and inducted every year. To that end, they decide to induct somebody who had been passed over previously, since people apparently get an indeterminate number of tries to get elected, or somebody who's not quite up to the previous standard of quality required for election. All that really happens is over the years, the quality of the Hall of Fame and the prestige associated with being inducted is decreased.
This week brought news that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, OH is lowering their election standards because they've run out of worthy people to induct. Rather than accept that there aren't any good bands left who are induction-worthy, it is apparently more important to the Hall of Fame to hold an induction ceremony, so they will elect a lesser band. Good job! You've officially sold out.
Maybe I'll start a Sell-Out Hall of Fame....
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Kinda makes you feel all warm and squishy
The Feel-Good Story of 2010
I feel better about 2010 already! Thanks for this, Jeremy!
No problem at all. Happy to provide this important public service.
I feel better about 2010 already! Thanks for this, Jeremy!
No problem at all. Happy to provide this important public service.
Monday, January 4, 2010
That means there's no wrong way either
When you’re the one selling an Instructional Video, YOUR WAY is the Right Way.
Happy New Year, Jeremy!
Thanks, LIR. I'm looking forward to a whole new year of Great Sametime Statuses to share with you.
How about more of the same crap you usually do?
I can do that too!
So what's this instructional video you're watching? Writing Comedy For Dummies?
Over the holiday season, I came into possession of an instructional DVD on how to become a better volleyball setter.
Christmas present?
Not exactly...I lifted it from somebody's house. They weren't using it. Anyway...this DVD is the lowest-budget/quality piece of crap excuse for an instructional video ever. It showed hand technique in real-time from a single off-court camera. Even on the big screen of the Jeremy Megaplex 1, you couldn't even tell what the setter was doing. The narrator was a coach who didn't believe in editing, or a script, or Queue cards....or being interesting, for that matter. One of his most often used phrases (and I swear I'm not making this up) was "There's no RIGHT way to do it." BULL! If you're selling an instructional video, you need to be instructing me on the right way to do things. Even if technically, there are multiple correct ways of doing something...PICK ONE! Show some guts. If somebody else comes through with a different way, who cares? It's a little competition. Even if you're wrong and people disagree, who cares? They've already bought the video.
You didn't "buy" the video.
Hardly the point.
Happy New Year, Jeremy!
Thanks, LIR. I'm looking forward to a whole new year of Great Sametime Statuses to share with you.
How about more of the same crap you usually do?
I can do that too!
So what's this instructional video you're watching? Writing Comedy For Dummies?
Over the holiday season, I came into possession of an instructional DVD on how to become a better volleyball setter.
Christmas present?
Not exactly...I lifted it from somebody's house. They weren't using it. Anyway...this DVD is the lowest-budget/quality piece of crap excuse for an instructional video ever. It showed hand technique in real-time from a single off-court camera. Even on the big screen of the Jeremy Megaplex 1, you couldn't even tell what the setter was doing. The narrator was a coach who didn't believe in editing, or a script, or Queue cards....or being interesting, for that matter. One of his most often used phrases (and I swear I'm not making this up) was "There's no RIGHT way to do it." BULL! If you're selling an instructional video, you need to be instructing me on the right way to do things. Even if technically, there are multiple correct ways of doing something...PICK ONE! Show some guts. If somebody else comes through with a different way, who cares? It's a little competition. Even if you're wrong and people disagree, who cares? They've already bought the video.
You didn't "buy" the video.
Hardly the point.
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