On the Third Day of Theme Week...

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Frantically trying to decide which color Lexus would make the best gift


Here's a hint. It's silver.


This is the time of year where we get to constantly hear those words that are the bane of our collective existence...say it with me now..."Makes a Great Gift". According to the people who sell these things, the following items make great gifts: Lottery Tickets, Chia Pets, Mighty Putty, Ronco Electric Food Dehydrators (the gift of health), gym memberships, soap, vacuum cleaners, plastic lids, foot files (so disgusting, I can only wish I was making it up), singing fish, the Time Life "Malt Shop Memories" CD collection, suction cups with hooks, the "Iron Gym" and of course, luxury cars. By the way...did you know that the same people who make Chia Pets are also responsible for "The Clapper"?

I guess the main point I'm making here is that as much as I care about every member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I won't be buying any of you a car this holiday season. Yes, I know now is apparently the perfect time to buy a Toyota, Cadillac, Lexus, Pontiac or BMW as a great gift idea(so say the commercials), but the fact remains we're in a recession, so don't get your hopes up.


So you're going to weasel out of getting everybody nice presents this year? How do you sleep at night?


Funny you should ask. I sleep quite well at night knowing that I have a morally clean slate.


Story time!


This past weekend, I received a strange letter in the mail that had a nickel showing through a window in the envelope. The envelope said "THIS NICKEL CAN SAVE A LIFE" with a big ol' arrow pointing to the window. Curious as to how this could be, I opened the letter, and the secrets were revealed to me. Apparently, all I had to do was return the nickel to the sender along with my gift of $60 or more to a charity searching for a cure for blood-borne cancers, and I will have saved a life...potentially.

So, what the sender was actually telling me is that one nickel wouldn't exactly save a life...but 1201 nickels might, and they got me well on my way to providing that. Strictly speaking, they got me 0.08% of the way there. They just needed my help to get them over the hump.

As much as I dislike cancer, and would like to save somebody's life, I wasn't going to be coerced into sending $60 to a charity simply because they randomly sent me a nickel, and also I can't in good conscience donate money to any disease-curing charity that doesn't exclusively work with Bird Flu. However, I was left with the conundrum of what to do with the nickel. I just didn't feel right keeping it, and it would be a waste to throw it away with the rest of the letter.

I solicited a couple opinions from members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, and the initial consensus opinion was to drop the nickel into a Salvation Army bucket. This is a fine idea, except for the fact that I would feel even more morally bankrupt by putting ONLY a nickel into the drum. (Yes, I know that's now the song goes, but it just wouldn't feel right) If I were to pursue this method of spiritual cleansing, it would still cost me additional money, as I would undoubtedly add my own money to the drum in addition to the nickel.

Loyal reader Jim came up with an alternative. There is a water fountain inside the little strip mall not far from where I live. People chuck coins in fountains all the time, wishing for wholesome things, and the money is all collected and donated to worthwhile charities. Seeking my morally clean slate, I made a special trip to the plaza, went inside, found the fountain, wished for something wholesome (I can't tell you what it was or else it won't happen), flipped the nickel into the water with a strangely satisfying "Ploop" sound, and left.