Have Yourself a Merry Little.....

Happy Holidays from Jeremy’s Sametime Status!


Thanks! You too!


So, after today, Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office, returning on January 2nd with a whole new year of Status Goodness. Honestly, I'll probably have some crappy messages in there too, but it comes with the territory. I will respond to your messages when I return.

In the meantime, I propose a game.


Count me in!


Great! Here's what you do. Without cheating by looking it up on The Google or Wikipedia or anything, who among the Most Intelligent Readership in the World can name the most people included in the following music video? You get one point for each person correctly named, and lose one point for each incorrect name. The tiebreaker is the person who can come closest (above or below) to the total number of people in the video who have mullets. The game begins now and ends at 8AM on January 2nd. Good luck!

Here's your video: Do They Know It's Christmas?

*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

This has been a test of the Emergency Sametime Status Alert System. If this had been an actual Sametime Status, this message would have been Informative, Helpful, or Funny. This was only a test. This concludes this test of the Sametime Status Alert System.


Well...I'm glad that's over. Now we can return to your regularly scheduled Statuses.


Indeed.


So what's new in the world?


Well...glad you asked.


It's pretty much what I do.


So, unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last few months, you're aware that NFL Quarterback Michael Vick has been sentenced to prison for nearly 2 years for his role in running a dogfighting business. Naturally, as the evidence grew, and everybody knew Vick would be going to jail, Michael somehow very quickly (some might say suspiciously quickly) became contrite, aware of how bad dogfighting is, and a financial contributor to the ASPCA. Also, no high-profile celebrity confession is quite complete without the accused finding God and/or Jesus. Needless to say, that happened here as well.

But God and Jesus aren't the only household names Michael came to know in his remarkably short time between denying owning a dogfighting operation and pleading guilty to owning a dogfighting operation. No, there are a couple interesting names that show up in court documents released this week. Former "Home Run King" Hank Aaron personally signed a letter of recommendation to Judge Henry Hudson (No relation), who handled Vick's sentencing. One other letter proved to be quite interesting.

Former Heavyweight boxing champ, turned HBO color commentator and shameless corporate sponsorship magnet George Foreman also sent the Honorable Judge Hudson a letter recommending a lenient sentence for Vick. His letter begins (and I am not making this up. See Page 7.):

• "I'm a fulltime minister at the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ in Houston, Texas, former two-time Heavyweight Champion of the world, and known all over the world as the king of the grills because of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine."

Yes...George Foreman even manages, in a letter of recommendation for an admitted felon, to insert a shameless plug for his grill.


Did he tell the judge where to get a good price on a new muffler, too?


Not that I saw. I had to stop reading after the first sentence or else my head may have exploded.

In Chicago, it's just "Pizza"

Did you know that in Canada, they still call it “Canadian Bacon?” I have no idea why it’s not just "Bacon."


An interesting, albeit useless point.


Perhaps. I thought of this a while ago, while watching a hockey game...


Never would have guessed.


The game was in Toronto, so I was watching the CBC broadcast of the game. They had a commercial for McDonalds, or Tim Horton's or some other place that serves breakfast sandwiches, I forget which. Anyway, their sandwich came with an egg, cheese, and Canadian Bacon. This seemed strange to me, that in Canada it would still be referred to as "Canadian" bacon. Seems to me that when you're in Canada, it would be called bacon, and what we in the States call bacon be called "American Bacon." Ever have toast in France?


Can't say that I have.


Well, me either, but I'm willing to bet that it's more than warmed bread with a little butter.


What do they call fried potato strings?


I'm sure I don't know.


**Blagger's Note: I actually intended to run this message about 2 weeks ago, but decided not to. Since it wasn't Kosher, I didn't think it made sense to run it during Hanukkah.

The good news is the gas is cheap...

I officially request a formal apology on behalf of the State of New Jersey for the Devils' performance on Saturday.


It was that bad, huh?


Yes, it was...and it's a darn shame, too.


Why's that?


Well, this was my first trip to the New Jersey Devils' new home, The Prudential Center. It's a 400 million dollar arena in the heart of beautiful downtown Newark. Newark is a hole, and I don't really care how many times Barry Melrose apologizes for saying it. So here's the deal...they put a giant, expensive new arena right in the middle of the city, and have no parking around it, or any decent roads with access to it, causing traffic problems and $25 parking in the "preferred" lots. Parking a few blocks away isn't normally a problem, unless it's winter, and you're concerned about being mugged. So, to the beautiful new Newark arena, I say a hearty "No Thanks!"

That said...once you're inside the building, it's really quite nice. They have wide concourses, many many tiers of seating, all with good sight lines to the ice. The comfortable seats still have that "New Rink Smell," though the guy next to me did his best to rectify that by dumping an entire beer on the floor. Also, they play a pretty cool pre-game montage involving flames and lightning and explosions, followed by Sean Connery coming out and saying "Welcome to The Rock." It's all downhill from there.

The Devils played a perfectly miserable game against the second worst team in the Western Conference (Phoenix Coyotes), and ended up losing by a misleading 4-1 score. The game was not as close as the score might indicate. After Phoenix went up 3-0 halfway through the third period, people started filing toward the exits...but maybe too soon? Jersey scores a feel-good shorthanded goal with just 6 minutes left to make it 3-1, and then Phoenix takes a penalty shortly after...so there's a chance! The arena gets louder as Jersey takes to the power play, seizing every ounce of momentum from the game, frantically trying to pull within one late in the game to continue a stunning comeback...and then they give up a shorthanded goal to go down 4-1 and basically end the game. Jerks.


You're a little biased for a sports writer, you know.


You're probably right, but since I paid to get into the rink, I can be biased.

He's HUGE!!!

AH HA!!! I always knew Bart Miadich was on the juice!


Who's Bart Miadich?


I haven't the foggiest.


Alright then.


In case you've been living in a cave for the past week, you're probably aware that former US Senator George Mitchell revealed his report on steroid use in Major League Baseball yesterday. Yippee. What it actually amounted to was a guy who's on the board of directors or something for the Boston Red Sox writing a 400-page term paper on current and former New York Yankees who are juiced. Near as I can tell, this was based on an exhaustive 2-year investigation in which he personally talked to 2, maybe 3 people who either sold players steroids, or injected them directly into Roger Clemens's rear end. Oh, and then he threw Barry Bonds's name into the report to get more media attention.


But come on! The report includes cancelled checks.


Yeah...it's thrilling. If you'd like to read the report yourself,


And I'd rather clean the bathrooms of Fenway Park with my toothbrush...


you can download it, in its entirety from every sporting news service known to man. Here's One Link for your Edutainment.

I had an ant farm....

I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.


Uhhhhh...


That's right, readers! It's Mitch Hedberg time again! Mitch is one of my favourite comedians...at least partially because his entire routine is pretty much non-stop one liners and non sequiturs. This bit is from his first CD "Strategic Grill Locations" which, according to Mitch, was only available in stores if he would go into the store and leave a copy. "'Sir, you dropped this.' No, that is for sale. Please alphabetize it."


His jokes are very hit or miss, really.


That's very true...but I tend to enjoy them more often than not.


So what else is going on in the world?


Well, if you like hockey, cheesy 80's music videos, lip-syncing, mullets, and really bad moustaches, I have got just the thing for you.


Judging by the description, I think nobody will be clicking on this.


Alright then...everybody who's reading is obligated to Click On This Link to a promotional video for the Calgary Flames somewhere in the 80's. It really is a treat to watch...and listen to.


Funny how all of the players seem to have the exact same singing voice.

I hope it gets better

My horse got a broken leg and I had to shoot it. So now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound.


That's a little morbid...


A little bit...but it's supposed to be funny. It's part of a bit by Larry the Cable Guy. He points out that he's not sure how that's supposed to help, but if it's not better in a couple days, he's going to shoot it again.


Those nutty comedians.


Yeah...but really, the main reason for this being a Sametime Status today was to post This Video of Dan Whitney doing a stand-up routine.


Wow...that's strange.


Yep. Dan Whitney, apparently, is Larry the Cable Guy before becoming Larry the Cable Guy. He's actually just some dorky suburban guy who has his pants pulled up too high and sporting a Dave Coulier-esque baby mullet.

So what are my options?

You can go with this, Or you can go with that, You can go with this, Or you can go with that, You can go with this, Or you can go with that, Or you can throw with us.


Interesting. Breaking out the Fatboy Slim this morning?


Indeed I am. I was actually introduced to the song "Weapon of Choice" yesterday, and this, of course, is the chorus from that song.

Also worthy of note is The Music Video for it.


Is that....?


Yes. Christopher Walken dancing.


It can't really be him. Boy's got some moves!


According to Wikipedia, it is. And if it's on Wikipedia, it HAS to be accurate, right?


I understand you have some unfortunate news?


I do. It is a sad time in my family, as we lost our beloved pet yesterday morning. Carmel left us after a long and happy life with all the Gooshyfood and Pettin's she ever wanted. She will be missed and fondly remembered. Here she is helping put away Christmas decorations a couple years ago:

There go my allegies again

I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it) or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what’s going on.


This is much more insightful than you. Where'd it come from?


Thanks for the vote of support. Today's phrase is actually a paraphrase from Dinosaur Comics. Yes, the lovable T-Rex is at it again, introducing us to homographic homophonic autantonyms. Words that sound the same, are spelled the same, but have completely contradictory meanings.


Sounds interesting. What did Utahraptor have to say? He's my favourite.


That figures. He simply asked T-Rex why he enjoyed words that made communication so difficult. Really, he should have known the answer already...it's just a T-Rex kind of thing to do.

This is what's polluting my brain

The fact that I've seen a Norm MacDonald movie actually became useful. I think I'm going to be sick.


How can that ever be useful?


Well, there was this trivia game last night, and the answer to one of the questions was the 1998 turkey, "Dirty Work" starring my boy Norm MacDonald and directed by Bob Saget. Yes, that Bob Saget. You look at all this film has to offer and you think to yourself, "Of course I'm not going to see it."


Yet apparently, you did. Sucks for you.


I did. Back in 1998, an acquaintance (We'll call her "Shannon") dragged me kicking and screaming to this movie the very first weekend it came out. I will never forgive her for this.


Okay, seriously....was the movie THAT bad?


That bad and more. Rottentomatoes gives this movie a stunning 20% Tomatometer.

On top of that, Youtube has This clip from the film, which the poster describes as the "Best part" of the movie...which says a lot.


That is pretty awful. Thanks for the heads up.


It's what I do.

*sniff* They grow up so fast....

"The purpose of the Meeting Template roll-out meeting is to present the meeting template for use by all meeting holders" - Jeff’s new company


Poor Jeff.


Yeah...first, he has to make a spreadsheet with owners and target dates, now he's in a meeting to learn how to have meetings. I'd like to guess some of the meeting guidelines that were suggested in the roll-out meeting.

• Be On Time
• End 5 Minutes Early
• Create an agenda and have a timekeeper to stick to it
• Bring a Problem, Bring a Solution
• No Side Conversations
• Turn off Cell phones and pagers
  

How'd I do?


You're asking me?


No.


Alright...so what else is good today?


Well, Tuesday was a big day! My Alma Mater, Rochester Institute of Technology, was selected as one of Campus Squeeze's 20 Ugliest Colleges in the USA! Woohoo! We beat out such prestigious universities as Rutgers and Texas A+M, but falling in at #16 wasn't good enough to take down perennial favourites NC State, Carnegie Mellon, or #1 Drexel.

What's most impressive about RIT making the list is that they only show a picture of the back of one of the dorms. They didn't even include a photo of the 6-story absurdity known as "The Sentinel" which is prominently located right in the front of campus.




Art is very subjective.


I'd like to subject that art back to the landfill it came from.

Most days, actually

Some days, I wish stupid was painful.


I completely agree.


...uhh...okay then.


So I understand there's a full Blag today?


Yes...we've got some stupidity, and an explanation for one of yesterday's items.


I hope it's an explanation for the Rick Astley video.


As a matter of fact, it is. There is a concept called "Rickrolling" in which people reading websites or message boards are tricked into watching the video of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." Those of you loyal readers who clicked all the links in yesterday's Blag were given such treatment. There are other Internet items that people are often tricked into viewing, with the lure of something that they actually want to see. Most of these are significantly less family-friendly than Mr. Astley, so I won't be posting those here. If you'd like to know more, please contact your local search engine...just don't do it at work.


I've heard of a couple of these...they sound pretty awful.


That's what I'm told, but I would have no idea about that sort of thing.


So...how about the stupidity?


Right! So Jeff Foxworthy has now stooped to being a game show host. He has a show called "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" which I've never watched, but I'm reasonably sure it would make my head hurt. I don't think it can be quite as bad as an older game show called "Street Smarts," where one episode saw 2 out of 3 people get the wrong answer to the question, "What color is the exterior of the White House?" but based on a recent incident, I'm not so sure. They had a celebrity episode on "5th Grader," and the day's contestant was country singer Kellie Pickler. What followed was a travesty.


Ouch.


Yeah...that's pretty rough. Fortunately, all loyal readers of this Blag are much smarter than that.

Words of Wisdom from Bucky

"When you live in an apartment building, even reaching up for the heavens can land you in a toilet." - Bucky Katt


Who is Bucky Katt?


Bucky is the star of the whimsical comic strip Get Fuzzy. He's an egotistical control freak of a Siamese Cat who spends his time conning his roommates out of money, causing general havoc, and trying to eat a monkey. His roommates are Satchel Pooch, a dog of some sort who's a bit lacking in the brains department, but is genuinely good natured, and Rob, their owner who puts up with Bucky's antics better than you might expect. A while ago, Bucky went through a phase where he would speak only in quotable phrases...so I quoted him here.


By the way, there's this online video you just HAVE to see...


Yeah, about that. Somehow, word got around that I might be a bit of a hockey fan. Not sure how these things get started, but there it is. So, when a Youtube/CNN/Yahoo/Google/MSN video of a Zamboni on fire made its way onto the Internet, roughly 1/3 of the earth's population had the same reaction: "I need to send this to Jeremy!"

Yes, it's pretty safe to say I've seen the video of the Zamboni on fire once or twice.

It's not that I don't want people sending me Youtube Links, but enough with the flaming Zamboni!

Actually, what's only slightly interesting about the Zamboni fire is that I've been to that rink. This particular incident occurred at the Ice Works Skating Complex in Aston, PA...home of the Neumann College Knights. Back when RIT played NCAA DIII hockey, we would play against Neumann quite often. However, RIT moved their hockey program up to DI, depriving everyone of their opportunity to say, "Hello Neumann."

Mother Nature is a jerk

Global Warming – Cons: Extinction of 1/4 of the world’s animal species. Pros: I don’t have to chisel my car out of 1/4” of ice anymore. Tough choice.


You do know that's not how global climate change works, right?


Of course. The good news is that Al Gore now reads my blag.


No.


Alright then...in other news, apparently, Americans are addicted to Stuf.


Stuff?


No...Stuf. As in Double-Stuf Oreos. According to This News Report from a Reputable Journal of Opinion, people who are addicted to Stuf are developing a tolerance to the Stuf by eating the Double-Stuf Oreos. This leads to apparently bad things like creating the Quad-Stuf Oreo by sticking two cream-halves of a Double-Stuf Oreo together to form one ridiculously thick cookie.

Previously, I thought I was the only person who did this...it's nice to know there are others. We should form a support group.