ASPCK

I hope all those Koopas were humanely raised before they got their shells thrown around in Mario Kart

You also never see a blue Koopa out in the wild, but the Blue Shell is very common.  What's the deal with that? 

I don't know.  Some important questions are left unanswered in the Mario universe.  

So, everybody knows the Koopas.  They come in largely two forms, red and green, and they occasionally have wings.  Very technically, the ones you see walking on the ground are the Koopa Troopas, and the winged ones are Koopa Paratroopas.  They are turtle-like animals with ostensibly removable shells.  The shells are apparently more useful than the rest of the Koopa, since you often see a shell without a Koopa, but not vice versa.  This fact troubles me.  

See, Koopa shells are thrown around all the time in the Mario Kart series.  Green and Red Koopa shells are sometimes distributed three at a time to be tossed wantonly about the race course as weapons.  This leads me to ask what happened to the Koopas who used to be in the shells?  Also, how were all of these Koopas raised before being stripped of their shells?  

There exists a very real possibility that the Koopas are bred in large Koopa mills, subjected to inhumane treatment and given steroids and hormones to promote shell growth.  Then, they're either forcibly removed from their shells and forced to grow a new one, or the much more likely possibility, they are killed for their shells.  This is wholly depressing, and not something that is ever touched upon in Mario canon.  All the more disturbing is the fact that various Koopas are playable characters in the Mario Kart series, forced to throw around the abandoned shells of their brethren. 

I think somebody (Looking at you, Sarah McLachlan) needs to come out in support of the Koopas until we know what actually happens behind the scenes of these Kart races.  

This Would Definitely Happen

If I had a pet, I don’t see any way they wouldn’t be wearing a bow tie  

That really seems to be the only way to go.  

So, I occasionally spend time looking at the Internets.  As you're probably aware, the World Wide Web was invented by Al Gore sometime back in the 1960s, when the US Government was researching ways for people responsible for national defense to be able to communicate around the country and/or world instantly.  It has since become a multi-billion-dollar worldwide repository for kittens.  

There are Funny Kitten Videos, Adorable Kitten Videos, Cartoon Kitten Videos, and Falling Kitten Videos.  

At some point, people who need better things to do started dressing up their pets.  They give them full costumes, make them part of costumes, add hats, capes...what have you.  Most of these things are ridiculous, but one of them is amazing.  People have taken to putting bow ties on their pets.  

You don't have to look hard before you come across this little guy:

...or This Blog to find pets in bow ties.  It adds a touch of distinction and class to an otherwise rambunctious Internets experience. 

How Am I Supposed To Look For Blue?

They changed the Taskbar icon for my email program.  I’m hopelessly lost now


You have to look for a different ICON when opening email now?  Terrible...just terrible.  What were they thinking?


I know, right?


No.  Sarcasm.  Suck up and deal, Jeremy.  


So yesterday was Software Update day for my computer.  This is another one of those things, like Password Day, that I tend to put off as long as possible.  Not because I fear change and/or new software, mind you, but because these types of updates hose up my productivity for longer than is really intended.

First of all, the email program itself needed to be upgraded.  This includes the new email template.  The whole thing, I was promised, would take up to 2 hours to do, but during that time, I'd be able to continue working on stuff, including email.  Not such a bad deal, unless the install actually takes 4+ hours and includes a new pop-up window or a dialog box every 5 minutes that interrupts whatever it is you're trying to work on.  Worse yet, I'm not even sure if I accepted all the things I needed to accept, or if I ended up hitting "cancel" on some of those dialog boxes because they popped up while I was in the middle of typing something.

Worse still, once the new version email program was up and running, the only noticeable change is that the icon down in the Taskbar is completely different.  It's a new color and everything.  It makes it really weird when the sound alerts me to a new email (as it tends to do like...150 times a day or so), and I go to select the email program to read it, and I can't find it.  I'm used to the old icon, and it's going to take me a little while to readily accept the new one.  This type of inconvenience wasn't what they wanted when they told me I had to update.  I'm not sure what I did get out of it anyway...the program seems to function exactly the same as it did before. 

Video Game Scores

How do you say “Ridiculous Pants-Kicking” in Portuguese?  

"Ridículo chutando de calças."

Well, that just takes the fun right out of today's Sametime Status.  

You're welcome. 

So here's a story from yesterday.  

I had made plans to play some volleyball with folks after work, starting around 5:30PM.  It actually ended up being slightly after that, but that's beside the point.  The weather forecast throughout the day was calling for thunderstorms.  Believe it or not, this is relevant.  

At some point in the afternoon, I got a message from some other folks that they had made plans to go to a local dining establishment at 4:00 to watch the football game.  That being the big Germany vs Brazil World Cup game.  I decided that I wouldn't be able to make it to the bar to watch the game and be able to return in time (and in condition) to play volleyball, so I forwent the game in favor of the previously-made plans.  Unless it were to rain, then I'd be able to join for football.  

3:45ish comes, and I make one last check of the weather, and it's clear sailing for volleyball, so I make the final executive decision to skip the soccer game, and I continue working.  

4:30ish comes, and I make one first check of the soccer score on my phone to see if it was at least an interesting game.  The sports app says 5-0.  This being a highly unusual score for a soccer game, particularly at this stage in the World Cup where there should be only good, evenly-matched teams remaining, I conclude that my app is lying to me.  I go back to the computer and check the score on one of the sporting news websites which confirms that Brazil is having the garbage kicked out of them 5-0 by Germany.  

So, as it turns out, I totally could have gone to the bar, caught the first part of the soccer game, left long after things had gotten completely out of hand, and made it to the field in plenty of time for volleyball.  

It didn't even start raining until after 9:00.  

You Know The Sound

That moment when you run out of paper towels, and there’s nobody around to bop over the head with the tube…

So, Jeremy has now delved into the awful awful realm of memespeak.  The whole "That moment..." series should probably die now.  It has nowhere left to go.  

So, we all know how to properly dispose of the cardboard tube left when a roll of paper towels expires.  You take it out of the holder, hit somebody in the head with it, then toss it in the trash can.  It's a universal truth.  

I'm not even sure what is so satisfying about batting somebody in the head with a paper towel tube, but it's pretty much the perfect therapy.  You feel better because you got to hit somebody, the other person is amused by the fact that they just got whapped and it didn't hurt in the slightest, and you both get to have a chuckle at the pleasant "boop" sound the roll makes upon impact.  I'm willing to bet a whole dollar you've never known anybody who got mad at being bopped with an empty paper towel tube.   

Even This Kid 

 

After all that, not long ago, I ran out of paper towels.  I had a perfectly good cardboard tube ready to go, and nobody was nearby to bop over the head.  It was very sad.   

On an unrelated note, here's a magic trick featuring paper towels by internets comedian Bo Burnham

180 MPH Focused Breeze

I don’t want to hear any more commercials about leaf blowers that make lawn work a breeze

This didn't really happen, did it?  Please tell me this didn't happen.  

This happened.  

I hate them for it, and if they had played the commercial on the radio at a time other than first thing in the morning when I'm not capable of actually paying attention to anything, I would know who it was actually a commercial for.  As a result of them not following this simple rule, I'm forced to hate all manufacturers and retailers of leaf blowers.  Good job, jerks.  The worst part is that I'm not even sure they were trying to make a dumb joke!  They could very well have done this by accident. 

So, that's it for the jokes today, and for the week...

Jeremy will be off celebrating America's birthday tomorrow by hoping it doesn't rain long enough to blow up all the fireworks currently hanging out in his house.

I have a pretty nice cache this year...it should be fun!  Enjoy the long weekend, everybody!

Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office tomorrow, July 4, and returning monday, July 7th with a brand new week of silly nonsense.  Have a safe and explosive 4th of July! 

One More Thing We Can't Agree On

The phrase “Aluminum condominium” isn’t funny in the US, but it is in England


See, it's funny because in England (and a few other places Jeremy won't be looking up) Aluminum is spelled and pronounced with another 'i' before the final 'u.'  


For more information on Aluminum (or Aluminium), please watch This Video, which features not only a history of the metal, and both spellings of the element (watch when the camera zooms in on the periodic table) but also a guy with one of the most amazing haircuts you'll ever see.   

Anyway...there's really not much of a joke here.  It relies upon the simple premise that if you pronounce the metal with the second 'i' and say Aluminium Condominium, it rhymes and is therefore silly.  Enjoy that for today.  

Also enjoy This Video of people casting a fire ant colony in aluminum.  It really is quite impressive.