Thursday, June 30, 2011

Then we blew stuff up

In a bit of Revisionist History, the Declaration of Independence was actually signed on August 2, 1776, not July 4


Oh for the love of all things good and plenty. Again with these Revisionist Histories? You're going to get us...wait...this one's actually true.


Indeed. So, this coming week is the big Independence Day weekend, (Canada Day for our friends to the North) during which we celebrate everything that represents America. Among those things being alcohol, over consumption, and explosions. While you're blowing up your grill, then lighting fireworks, it's important to remember why we celebrate July 4th. The day we voted to declare independence...the day we signed the Declaration of Independence...the day Congress approved the wording of the Declaration of Independence!

It's quite widely known that the Declaration of Independence was approved by the Second Continental Congress in 1776. This was an entirely symbolic gesture, since the Colonies were under British control at the time, and Great Britain did not recognize America's authority to just decide they were a separate country. A whole war ensued, and the United States was not formally recognized as a sovereign nation until May of 1784.

That said, the Declaration of Independence is one of the most important documents in American History, since it was basically America's first foray into the "Up Yours" attitude that makes it what it is today. In fact, the largest section of text in the Declaration is Congress calling out King George III, specifically listing 18 different ways in which he was a jerk (One of them was broken down into 9 sub-sections). We celebrate Independence Day on July 4, but the actual Congressional vote to declare independence took place on July 2 (12 of 13 colonies approved, New York abstained). It took a full 2 extra days after the vote to complete the final wording of the Declaration of Independence, which was printed and distributed on July 4th. This is the last time the United States congress managed to do anything in a mere 2 days.

The actual signing of the document (including the famous "John Hancock" signature) took place after July 4, and historians seem to disagree on the exact date all of the signatures were finally in place. Some of the people who signed were not present at the July 4 Continental Congress, and some hadn't even been elected yet. All that aside, on August 2, 1776, all 56 delegates had signed the Declaration of Independence, and America was born. Happy Independence Month, everybody!


Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office from July 1 through July 4. We'll return on Tuesday, July 5 with all new Blaggy Goodness. Have a safe and explosive 4th of July, everyone!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Rule #2: You do not talk about today's Sametime Status

His name was Robert Bordson. His name was Robert Bordson.


I thought his name was Robert Paulson.


Well, in the book and subsequent movie, it was. In the reality of recent events in the NHL, it was a different guy. A similar sort of thing applies, though. (Don't worry, Robert Bordson is alive and well)


In that case...isn't the NHL season over? I thought I read here that the Bruins won the Stanley Cup.


Well, yes. This doesn't mean simply that hockey season is over. That just means that it's a mere 5 months until the NEXT hockey season starts, and that's really what's important.


Alright...so tell me about this Robert Bordson guy and why he's seemingly a member of Project Mayhem.


Robert Bordson may well be the answer to a trivia question some day as the LA Kings player with the shortest tenure in club history. It lasted 4 days. (Though, I guess officially, he doesn't become a free agent until Friday) He scored 0 goals and 0 assists in 0 games, averaging 0 minutes of ice time, and I'm reasonably certain he never even had a jersey with his name on it made.

Bordson was traded to the LA Kings by the Philadelphia Flyers, where he spent the last year playing for the Flyers' AHL affiliate (Adirondack Phantoms) in Glens Falls, NY. He put up a modest 21 points over the season and was considered the 20th best prospect in the organization. He was a throw-in piece in the big Schenn+Simmonds for Richards trade last week for the sole purpose of evening out the number of players moving in each direction. See, the NHL has a limit on the number of players an organization can have under contract at one time, and the Flyers were already at the limit, so in order to bring in two players (Schenn and Simmonds), they had to shed 2 players. Just like that, Bordson gets jettisoned to the Kings.

As it turns out, the Kings had absolutely no interest in Bordson as a prospect, so at 5PM Eastern Time on monday, when NHL teams were required to tender contract offers to all pending restricted free agents, the Kings did not give Bordson a qualifying offer, so as of Friday, he becomes unrestricted and no longer a member of the team. Kings fans will remember his time with the team fondly...or something.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Of musicians, By musicians, For musicians

"And the rockets' red glare" – The loudest part when sung, the quietest part when played by an orchestra. Discuss


Would this have something to do with the song's full one and a half octave range making a singing performance difficult?


That's an entirely too short and convenient an answer. Instead, what we should do is examine the song "To Anacreon in Heaven" which is the song which was combined with Francis Scott Key's "Defence of Fort McHenry" to create "The Star-Spangled Banner." It's more fun that way.

Despite modern singers' attempts to convert the song into the slowest funeral dirge imaginable (commonly referred to as the "Bleeding-Gums Murphy Rendition"), the original song is actually a peppy and festive drinking song. In fact, certain accounts say that it was used as a sobriety test...in that if you could make your way through an entire verse on key, you were sober enough to be served another round.

Anyway...back to the initial point, which has long-since been cast aside in favor of interesting and amusing facts about the National Anthem. In the patriotic American version of the song, the section of lyrics "And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air" coincide with the following lyrics in the original song: "Voice, Fiddle, and Flute, No longer be mute." I find this terrific. If you listen to just about any orchestral arrangement of the piece, this section of the song is played almost entirely without the brass section. As in, the only instruments playing (no longer muted) are the strings and woodwinds, which contain the fiddles and the flutes. If this was actually done intentionally, I would be very impressed.

You know...in hindsight, it probably would have been a good idea to run this Sametime Status next week, around the 4th of July. There's lack of foresight for you.

Friday, June 24, 2011

He never seems to be ready

I don't know what's taking Michael Buffer so long. I'm ready now


Would you have gotten ready to Rumble if he hadn't been bugging you all these years? You do tend to procrastinate.


Perhaps that's true, but more importantly, I'm ready!


You're not ready at all. You spent all night watching Burn Notice and writing, so you basically haven't packed a thing.


That's beside the point. Tomorrow is the annual Pottstown Rumble volleyball tournament in sunny Pottstown Pennsylvania. I'll be there, rumbling, with about 1500 of my closest friends. I should go home and finish packing for the weekend, I guess.


By "finish packing," you mean "start packing," right?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Set Hose To "Soak"

The neighbors really need to stop letting their cat out at night


Cats are people, too! Power to the cats!


I really have no issue with the neighbors or their cat. I like cats. It's fun to play with a cat and a piece of string, or a laser pointer, and I firmly believe that if you can WATCH THIS VIDEO without saying "AWWWWW!" you were left behind in last month's Rapture because you have no soul.

My problem is when their cat stays out at night. He has a remarkably obnoxious way of asking to be let back in; that is, to meow incessantly in my back yard until they wake up and open the door. I don't want this. Specifically, I don't want this at 3AM in the morning, which is when it's happened pretty much every day this week.

My proposed solutions are as follows:

  • Leave the cat in the house at night
  • Train the cat to knock politely at the appropriate door until let inside
  • 5-gallon bucket of water
Hopefully, with everyone working together, we'll get this worked out, and we can all sleep peacefully.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I did!

I wanted to make an Al Czervik joke today, but I was afraid not enough people would get it


Really? Everybody knows Al Czervik. He's the guy from the thing at the place. I'll never forget him.


Yeah...sure.

Actually, Al Czervik is a fictional character. He's the brash golfer portrayed by Rodney Dangerfield in "Caddyshack."

At this point, I don't even remember what the joke was, but it seemed like it was going to be pretty good first thing this morning. Of course, I talked myself out of it because nobody would get it, by virtue of the fact that nobody knows who he is until you explain it.

Jokes are so much less funny when you have to explain them.


What do you mean?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

It's not like Pish-Posh

Please stop using the phrase "splish-splash"


But what about that guy who was taking a bath?


Yeah, for the whole song, it's never entirely clear whether Bobby Darin is actually in the bath, or how many people are in there with him. It's more than a little disconcerting. It's almost as if he got out of the bath, was scared by people outside his bathroom, then got back into the bath, but by the time he got there, everyone else had already jumped in the water. That's a very opportunistic group of party goers, if you ask me.

Anyway...all that aside, there's a commercial on the radio these days about some water park somewhere that apparently I've gotta go to (That's their actual catch phrase..."You gotta go!"). I'm told this at least 5 times each time the commercial comes on, and I've still never been there. So while describing all of the things you can do in the water park in an overly sugary way, the spokeswoman decides to break out a handful of colorful adjectives. For example, rather than merely saying they have water slides, they have twisty tunnel-ey wild-watery water slides. I'm not making this up. One of the other things you can do is "splish splash" in a swimming pool. Why they say it like this is completely beyond me, and is something that causes my brain to shut down first thing in the morning while I'm driving to work. I don't need these sorts of distractions.

So, for further commercials, please refrain from using nonsensical kiddie-jargon while convincing me to go somewhere and give you money. Thank you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Phone call from Geneva

In 1989, the US Government tortured Manuel Noriega with loud rock music. Too bad Rebecca Black didn't come along until 2011


The whole thing could have been over in an hour.


Exactly. So, while Doing Extensive Research on today's topic, I learned something adorably hilarious. The US military operation designed to capture Manuel Noriega was called "Operation Nifty Package." That's awesome.

Anyway, after destroying Noriega's means of escape, US special forces tracked him to the Apostolic Nunciature in Panama and proceeded to use psychological warfare in order to get him to come out. This involved playing Guns n' Roses' song "Welcome to the Jungle" repeatedly. While that song is certainly of questionable taste, I submit that a song of much more universal crapitude would have done the trick more quickly. Fortunately for Noriega, Rebecca Black wouldn't be born for another 7 years, and her smash hit "Friday" wouldn't be unleashed upon the world for another 14.


True story, today's Sametime Status was written BEFORE the news broke earlier today that "Friday" has been removed from Youtube over a contract dispute between Black and the music sweatshop that produced the video.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Take THAT, Basketball!

Unlike the NBA, the Stanley Cup Finals had the decency to go to 7 games


So I heard a great new joke. The Mayor of Dallas declared today "LeBron James Day" so everybody gets to quit working 12 minutes early.


So today is it. Sadly or otherwise, hockey season comes to an end tonight, with either the Boston Bruins or the Vancouver Canucks lifting the Stanley Cup.

This is more important than any other sport. One of the main reasons being that the Stanley Cup is the most unique and iconic trophy in all of sport. The NFL makes a new Lombardi trophy for the Super Bowl champ every year, as does the NBA. Nobody even knows the name of the trophy they hand out to winners of the world series (Hint: It's a lousy name). The World Cup trophy is comparatively tiny (14 inches tall) and the winning teams' names are engraved on the bottom, where you can't even see them, and when you win the PGA Masters, you get a green jacket. These are all nonsense.

When it comes to a truly historical championship, nothing comes close to lifting Lord Stanley's Cup, and one team is mere hours away from doing just that. Make sure you're watching.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Seems pretty jerky to me

Why are those birds so angry? The green pigs just built a house next door


Playing Droid games at work again, I see.


Again? First of all, I tend to not play Droid games at work. Second of all, I've spent a grand total of about 5 minutes of my life playing Angry Birds, and that was weeks ago at the behest of a guy who guaranteed I'd become addicted to it. I have not.


So anyway...maybe there's some greater back story to the Angry Birds saga that I never read, but it seems like these birds are really pretty much just being racist, terrorist jerks. Some green pigs built a structure next to their slingshot, which apparently lowered the property value or something. The birds became so angry they decided they needed to run suicide bombing missions into the pigs' house, only declaring success when the entire structure crumbles, killing the green pigs.

Seems a little insensitive in a Post-9/11 world, doesn't it?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Won't be the first time I've been punched for something I wrote here...

Tim Rice is the only person still happy with Mike Tyson


I Think "Glass Joe" Is Okay With Him, too.


You're probably right.


So, Why would Tim Rice be concerned about Mr. Tyson, who happens to be a terrific guy?


So not long ago, "The Hangover Part 2" was released upon theaters. It's not great. Standing completely on its own merits, it's not a terrible film, but since it is a complete and total carbon copy of the original, this sequel lacks pretty much all the charm and originality that came with "The Hangover".

One of the best parts of the original film was a cameo appearance by Former Heavyweight Champ, Mike Tyson...


Who is on his way over here right now to beat the crap out of you...


...who hilariously butchered a Phil Collins song and punched somebody. Well, in the sequel, he less hilariously butchered another song, but didn't punch anybody. Since the main part of the new film took place in Bangkok, it was quite appropriate for Mr. Tyson...


Who you shall henceforth refer to as "Sir"...


...to make his appearance singing "One Night In Bangkok" from the musical "Chess." Mike Tyson's singing is catastrophically bad, unmercifully destroying the song's rhythm and melody in every conceivable way.


Now you've done it. If you need me, I'll be far away from you.


What I've subsequently learned through various discussions and Intensive Research is that while nearly every aspect of the song was savaged beyond any hope of repair, this version of the song used the exact same lyrics as the original recording...and Tyson nearly pronounced every word correctly.

So, while fans of the original recording will quickly denounce the new rhythmically challenged, tin-eared, watered-down cover, Tim Rice, who wrote the lyrics to the original, can remain happy that his work was not mutilated along with the rest of the song.

This has been another edition...


Most likely the final edition...


...of Jeremy Is In The Theatre

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Now "Hush"

In a bit of Revisionist History, "Smoke On The Water" was a deeply divisive song between Deep Purple members Ian Gillan and Roger Glover


Say, Jeremy...there's a lawyer on the phone...something about libel?


You know, you really shouldn't get so upset over Revisionist History. In fact, I'm Not Alone In Butchering Historical Facts.


It scares me how often I have to admit that you have a point.


Anyway...today's Revisionist History lesson is actually based on a true story. There is a radio station around here that seems to be great at Screwing Up Words In Commercials, and they're at it again. The classic Rock band Deep Purple is going to be playing a concert somewhere in their listening area, so they're promoting it, using the song "Smoke On The Water" as a draw. The commercial starts out with the line "One of the greatest RIFTS in rock history" as the intro to the song plays.

Who exactly confused the words "Rift" and "Riff" remains a mystery, but somewhere along the line of writing, recording, engineering, producing, editing, and airing this commercial, somebody should have caught it.

So, having heard this commercial for about the 3000th time...


NOW who's reinventing history?


...I got fed up with this little grammatical snafu, and decided to fight back the only way I know how. Through sarcasm and snarky comedy writing on a website. Take THAT, radio station!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I even have a Cup to drink out of!

Anyone else playing the Doc Emrick Drinking Game during the Stanley Cup Finals?


I firmly believe that every one of your loyal readers is participating. If not, they should be.


So, the Stanley Cup Finals between the Boston Bruins and the Vancouver Canucks are going on this week, and Game 4 will be on tonight. You should watch.

In addition to some great hockey, there's been some pretty grizzly violence that most casual hockey fans tend to enjoy and expect from the sport. We've also seen some stellar goaltending (Roberto Luongo barfing up 8 goals in the game 3 poleaxing aside), some stifling defense, and some truly amazing goals.

As if this weren't enough, one of the great voices of hockey has been doing his part, providing the play-by-play commentary for the games. Mike "Doc" Emrick is one of the finer hockey broadcasters out there. He has a passion for the game that is unequaled, but still is not a raging homer (I'm looking at you, Jack Edwards). While his goal calls may not be quite as entertaining as Randy Moller's, but he doesn't rely on pop culture gimmicks to make him memorable.

What he does do is rely on a couple key phrases that he misuses over and over. Thus, the Doc Emrick Drinking Game. The rules are simple, you take one drink every time Doc says the words "Ricochet", "Drive", or any variation of "Squib."


And you'll be flat on the floor before the second period starts. See you for Game 5!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

This took more courage than you think

It’s Password Day! My email password is no longer b13b3rf3v3r


Oh, Baby...how could you make this your password?


Well...much like all of my Password Day posts, neither this password, nor any of the others I mention on the Blag here were ever actually used. It's just amusing to me to come up with fake passwords.


Never Say Never...you may have used one of these at some point.


What are you doing?


Not even One Time?


Nope. None of them.


I really Pray you're joking about that.


Okay, you need to put away the Wikipedia article on the Justin Beiber discography.


I just wanted to make U Smile.

Monday, June 6, 2011

...and their new brother "BOO!"

Great. Now I'm going to have nightmares about Snap Crackle and Pop


Why? They're three little cartoon guys that bring wholesome, nutritious breakfast choices to children. Ostensibly, they're pretty harmless.


Yes, but the website isn't.


I don't think you were on the right site.


No, I really was. I was harmlessly looking for the official recipe for Rice Krispies Treats. There was a picnic over the weekend, I had a hankering for Rice Krispies Treats, and didn't want to leave to chance the fact that they would be there. So, I procured myself a box of cereal and some marshmallows, and made my way to the Kellogg's website.

Once there, things seemed pretty normal...but once I stopped paying attention, Snap Crackle and Pop started talking. Of course, I had no idea what was happening...all I knew was that there were voices. So, as I'm scrambling around trying to find out who's in my house, spilling cereal all over my table, the guys are mocking me, talking about clouds and whatnot. Jerks.


On a related note, Kellogg's does have one of the more entertaining 404 pages around. A 404 is, of course, the page you get when you type in the address of a page that doesn't actually exist. Theirs shows a picture of Snap from Rice Krispies and says something like "Oh SNAP. That page doesn't exist." It's pretty solid.


I'm never going to that site again, so it's not really relevant.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Was there ever any doubt?

William of Ockham strikes again!


So you won the battle with the oil company?


Well, not yet. The technician that came to my house spent about 5 seconds playing with the level gauge before determining that I, in fact, had half a tank of fuel, and the gauge was working properly.

Of course, since the powers that be insisted that he physically measure the oil in the tank, he had to take the thing out to put in a measuring stick. He promptly broke the level gauge in the process of putting it back in. So, he ended up replacing the stupid thing anyway...and guess what! The new one also says I have half a tank of oil.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

It's on

Fortunately for this round of "Jeremy vs. The Oil Company," it's warm outside


So there was this guy Occam...


Distant relative of Brutus Beefcake, and founder of the family business, but I don't expect anyone to get that joke.


...who put forth the theory that generally means that given a specific set of circumstances, the explanation that requires the fewest variables is the best explanation. It's a commonly accepted principle, and is most often correct, but when dealing with large, faceless automatonic corporations like...say...the oil company, tough to enforce.

The long and short of it is that not long ago, I received a hefty bill from the oil company for an oil delivery that arrived mere weeks ago. It's summer. I don't really need heating oil at the moment, but if they want to top off my tank so I'm ready for next winter...whatever. Of course, when they delivered said oil, they didn't leave one of the little delivery slips that says they delivered oil, so all of this happened unbeknownst to me. The other issue is that the amount of oil that was delivered would constitute a 43% increase in my usual oil consumption for the 3 months in between this delivery and the previous delivery (Actual calculation...not my usual made-up statistical nonsense, as evidenced by the fact that it's not 83%) . The other issue is that when I look at the tank, which has a level gauge on it, it says that the tank is half full, which would mean that in the few weeks since this latest delivery, I've gone through over 150 gallons of heating oil when it's been above 70 degrees, and the thermostats have been turned off. Either that, or the level gauge in my tank is broken...the level gauge that the very same oil company replaced almost exactly a year ago and has worked perfectly ever since. This is the explanation that I've received from the oil company. That I did in fact receive a delivery, they neglected to leave a delivery slip, my oil consumption for the late winter months (which were statistically warmer than average) was up by 43%, and my level gauge is broken...so their solution is to send a tech out to my house tonight to fix the gauge.

My boy William of Ockham might suggest an explanation with fewer variables. An explanation such as a delivery guy fat-fingering the wrong account number when delivering oil to somebody else's house. This would leave my tank at half full, no delivery slip on my door, my house with normal oil consumption, and a recently-repaired level gauge working correctly. Of course, my attempts to suggest this to the large faceless automatonic oil company have been worthless, so I get to leave work early today to wait for the friggin tech to show up to tell me my oil tank's level gauge is working.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I need a vacation

Let's see if I remember how to do this "work" thing


I'm guessing no.


Why so negative?


Plenty of real-world experience to draw upon. I have yet to find something that you're good at, really.


I'm good at writing moderately funny things on a website.


No comment right there.


So anyway...

Today marks my first day back from the most physically taxing vacation I've ever taken, and that includes the trip to France which was centered around climbing stairs to the top of things. I did drywall work, landscaping, gardening, biking, volleyball playing...and then on Saturday...

So really, as much as I did in fact take "vacation" days, I didn't really have any time off. Which is at least a bit of a shame. But it does mean that I'll just have to take more vacation while the weather is nice. Not this week, though...I have a couple days worth of catching up to do, and it's already Wednesday.