Take that, doughnut!

Fine. I'll throw the doughnut myself!


Internetz Food Fight!! WOOOO!


Not as such.


Awwe...


I don't often remember my dreams, but when I do, I feel obligated to share them with you. In this particular case, I was dreaming that I was starring in a movie with Julia Roberts. I don't especially care about Julia Roberts as an actress one way or the other, which makes it a little more weird, but that's beside the point.

We were filming an action sequence which involved a doughnut (Chocolate covered, but not cream filled...so why bother?) flying across the screen and splattering on something. Apparently, the props guy was incompetent at throwing the doughnut properly so we had to do take after take until the director threw a fit and announced that he was going to be throwing the doughnut instead. So there you have it.


Whatever "it" is.

This bugs me more than you'd expect

Water-based real estate is weird. Oceanfront = Elite, Lakeshore = Vacation, Houseboat = Low-Brow, Van Down By The River = Homeless


Uhm....yeah. Nice Matt Foley reference.


I have no idea what made me think of this...but it does amuse me. Real estate in proximity to water is not necessarily an indication of social status.

Matt Foley, of course is a motivational speaker portrayed by Chris Farley famous for teaching kids how not to end up living in a van down by the river. Here's A Link!!

Maybe it'll even continue into the weekend. Who knows?

Good news, everybody! Good News Thursday has been held over to Friday!


Yay! Good News Friday!


No...more just an extension of Good News Thursday. See, this week has been pretty busy here at work, so I didn't have time to inform all of the loyal readers here that yesterday was Good News Thursday.


Good News Thursday, Part II?


Sure! Happy Good News Thursday, everyone!

It's a little creepy, actually

I'm reading your Sametime Status, too.


I would hazard a guess that at least some of the loyal readers here don't have Sametime Statuses.


Not the point. It's a little funnier at work when people look at my Sametime Status and find out that I'm reading theirs too. I amuse me.

Yes I do

You bring up a valid point


That's very true, Jeremy. I'm glad you brought that up.


I know! Not many people think about it that way, but when you look at it just a little differently, it all makes sense.


It's almost enough to make you wonder how you could think any differently.


And yet, some people do. Go figure.

So just stop it

Okay, people..."Should've" is a contraction of "Should" and "Have." Not "Should" and "Of"


I see people do that all the time...it's sort of annoying.


I see what you did there. People writing stuff on the internetz seem to confuse contractions with separate words. It's funny at first, but it gets pretty old quickly...and also pretty sad when you start to see it happening more and more often. Much like pronouncing the 't' in often. So...for those of you out there who need the grammar refresher course...here are contractions and word combinations that you mess up too often:

Sort Of - Not "Sort've"
Kind Of - Not "Kind've"
Should've - Not "Should Of"
Could've - Not "Could Of"

Rhetorical Friday Movie Night!

What Would Kelly Reyes Do?


Again with Rhetorical Friday?


Of course! Everybody loves Rhetorical Friday!


There is no part of that sentence that isn't a stretch. So who is Kelly Reyes, and what would she do anyway?


Kelly Reyes is a character in the classic 2008 film "Impact Point." It's a great movie about murder, lies, and corruption all surrounding an AVP beach volleyball tournament.


Have you actually seen this movie?


I have not. That's beside the point.

It's back!

"Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with a horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know." Dwight Schrute; Dunder Mifflin


Wow...it's been some time since you've had an Office quote up in here.


True...it's been a long summer without new episodes, but the new season premier is tonight. I'll be watching!

It's that day!

Happy Anne Bradstreet Day everybody!


Woohoo! I'll get out the streamers and party hats. Everybody likes to celebrate Anne Bradstreet Day!


Uhm...who's Anne Bradstreet?


I guess she's a poet or something.


And she gets her own day?


Why not?

Why did people even see this?

I almost want to see Beyonce’s video now


Nobody watches music videos anymore...well, maybe the one for She Wolf, but that's for all the wrong reasons.


I guess that's a side point. Unless you've been living in a hole for the last 2 days, you're aware that a rapper whose name I won't repeat here because he's an idiot who I don't want associated with my Blag interrupted Taylor Swift's award speech. He apparently thought that somebody else made a better music video that nobody watched.


How is it that neither the winner of "Best Male Video" or "Best Female Video" won "Video of the Year"?


Also an interesting question that I don't really care about. What concerns me is the number of people that watched an awards show for music videos. Nobody watches music videos and Awards shows suck...so who's watching this double-stack crap sandwich?

Future Victim of Identity Theft

The cashier at the home improvement store now has a 50/50 chance of guessing my address


This concerns you?


It does. In this day and age, anything people learn about you can be dangerous.


So maybe you shouldn't post your daily exploits on a webpage with millions of loyal readers.


Fair enough. I'll alter some of the details to protect the innocent.

It was time to get a new mailbox. I discovered last week while picking my mailbox off the ground that only about 4" of the post were underground...and the end of it was kinda rotted, too. Overall, it was a pretty sad state of affairs, so it was time to go. This involves buying a new mailbox and post at the local "Highs" franchise of home improvement warehouses. While I was at it, I purchased a new post, some cement to encase the thing in, and some new numbers so the postal worker could be sure they were delivering my stuff to the right address.


They'll still give you your neighbour's mail quite often.


Entirely beside the point. It occurred to me while checking out that the cashier now knows potentially what my address is. For today's explanation, I'll use my old address so you can't hunt me down. Let's say I purchased a "1" and a "9" along with a new mailbox. You'll know with certainty that my address is either 19 or 91. There really are no other options. Now, if you can just determine what street I live on, you now know exactly where I live and which phone line to tap if you plan on stalking me. I unwillingly invited this upon myself, and now I'm a little scared. I mean...this cashier has access to cement and power tools and as much plastic sheeting as he'll need. It's more than a little unnerving.

Theme Week, Part Fire

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! The perfect solution to the California Wildfires: Food Club brand Charcoal!


Okay...here we go again. I'll prepare the legal briefs.


What if I prefer the legal boxers?


Wait, what?


So anyway...last week's vacation included grilling, as vacations on a lake often do. Unlike home, where I push a button and fire appears in my propane grill, I was roughing it. The grill at the lake is one of those old-fashioned ones where you have to put charcoal in the bottom and light it with a match first.


The horror. Whatever did you do, Jeremy?


I went to the grocery store in town...a chain of Markets with a self-distributed reputation for Quality products, including the store band "Food Club." Seeing as how I didn't want to spend any more money than necessary on charcoal that wouldn't be necessary anywhere outside of this vacation, I purchased a bag of "Food Club" charcoal for all of my grilling needs. What followed was ridiculous.

I poured charcoal into the grill, arranged the briquettes into a pyramid, like I'm supposed to, and squirted some lighter fluid (Incidentally, also Food Club brand) and lit the stack. The lighter fluid proceeded to burn happily among the charcoal, so I went inside to tend to my upcoming food. I went back out to the grill about 10 minutes later (You're supposed to wait 15 minutes for the charcoal to properly start and be all burning and charcoaley), and the entire pile was black and cold. No heat whatsoever coming from my charcoal. I tried more starter fluid and re-lit...a couple minutes later, all evidence of flame or heat were a distant memory. This process, I kid you not, went on for an hour and a half...futily trying to turn a pile of charcoal into a grill only hot enough for long enough to cook a frickin' hamburger. No luck. I ended up cooking my burger inside on the stove.

It was right about then that I came up with a new episode for my sitcom.

Theme Week, Part TV

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! I should be a sitcom writer


Interesting thought. Take some people...put them in situations and try to make comedy out of it. Original.


One thing that I monkeyed around with a little while on vacation was my sitcom ideas. It's fun to play around with stuff like that and see what comes out of it.


So what did come out of it?


Don't even ask to see the results, because I'm not going to show them to anybody except a network executive looking for the breakout hit of the new season. Look for my name in the credits of your favourite new show.


Here's a hint...it's not going to be there.


Someday...some day.

Theme Week, Part Mosquito

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! Mosquitoes grow near water


Everyone knows this. You've given us nothing to work with today. Nice going.


Actually, there's more to it that simply stating that mosquitoes are prevalent near the water. They grow there. For some reason, water-locale mosquitoes are nearly 83% bigger than standard mosquitoes based on a scientific study in which I quoted a statistic from a TV show.


So when you're making up stats, you're always going to use 83%?


Can't think of a reason not to.


So today's date is like the answer you got that time you asked out that cute German girl...


Nine, Nine Nine....yeah...thanks for that.


Happy to help.

Theme Week, Part Duck

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! Mitch Hedberg was right about ducks


Welcome back. The Internet was a duller place without you.


It's good to be back.


How was vacation?


It was very relaxing, in addition to being a somewhat educational experience. I've decided to dedicate the rest of this slightly shortened week to relating my learnings to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World. Today's topic...Ducks.

Ducks are cool, but also a little bipolar. The great comedian Mitch Hedberg once said "A duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread," and I've found that to be 100% accurate. Ducks don't think much of me, generally...


Neither do we, really.


But they become my good friends once I'm throwing bread near them. They all gather around and quack happily until they've eaten all my bread, and then go right back to ignoring me. They're kinda jerks in that way, really...

On a somewhat related note, near the lake I was at last week, there are at least 50 ducks. I know this because a couple kids were feeding ducks and the poor tykes were descended upon by masses upon masses of ducks, all anticipating bread. It was like something out of that one Hitchcock movie about all the birds...the name of which escapes me at the moment.


I'm sure it'll come to you at some point.