A Whole Cruiseship Full Of Facepalms

So wait…this whole “Titanic” thing was real? 


Uhm...yes.  You know all those movies about the Civil War?  Well, that was a real thing, too.  


This week marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic, the largest and most luxurious cruise ship of its time.  I say "of its time" because luxury liners have come a long way since then, and the newest ones, such as Royal Caribbean's "Oasis Of The Seas" positively dwarfs the Titanic by all measures.  "OOTS" measures about 300 feet longer, 90 feet wider and 9 stories taller than Titanic did on her maiden (read: only) voyage.  More On That Here. 


Size of the ship is only important in relation to the size of James Cameron's ego, as his 1997 smash hit "My Heart Will Go On"....I mean..."Titanic" obliterated box office records becoming the first film to gross over 1 Billion dollars in theaters.  It would hold the record until James Cameron topped himself with "Avatar," a movie also about really large things, but in this case, really large blue people.  I digress.  



Here's a fun fact: Jeremy was once mistaken for James Cameron in a casino by a guy who had been awake and drinking at a poker table for what appeared to be far too long.  True story. 




Anyway, the film left a lasting impression on many people and led to some (unintentionally?) whimsical headlines Like This One. So much so, in fact, that far too many people took this film to be purely a work of fiction and not a fictional story set within the realm of an actual historical tragedy.  Yes, folks...some people think James Cameron made up this whole "Titanic" thing just to pad the box office receipts.  One of my most famous quotes (That people misquote me on ALL THE TIME, but they get the general idea, so I guess it's okay) is as follows: "Given the slightest opportunity, people will amaze you with their stupidity."  Well, the Internets are a glorious opportunity for people to show off how dumb and uninformed they are.  Fortunately for the rest of us, there are websites that take advantage of this to amuse and entertain.  So, direct from Failblog, I give you:  These People Had No Idea Titanic Was A Real Ship. 

You Know What Those Things Are Made Of?

Pizza Hut now has a pizza with a hot-dog-stuffed crust.  I’m not making this up

But...but...no?

I Really Wish This Wasn't True.  I just can't...no.  I can't. 

Unlike The Skeleton Joke...That's Just Hilarious

The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny and the rest of us don’t think they’re jokes

 What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?  "Senator."  

I heard lawyers were good people deep down, so I buried one!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?  Frequent Flier miles!

Ah, yes.  The Lawyer Joke.  Long a staple of comedians and blaggers and the type of crap you've come to expect here.  

In fairness, we never really know what kind of crap we'll get here.  

 Well, today is International Be Kind To Lawyers Day.  I know this because lawyers are so shady, they Made Their Own Website to get people to stop picking on them for one day.  One of the ways they recommend for celebrating today is to refrain from telling lawyer jokes for 24 hours.  Oops. 

Just Needs A Mullet

More amused than I should be that somebody named Bubba won the Masters

There's a golfer named Bubba?

I guess strictly speaking, there's a golfer named Gerry Lester Watson Jr.  He goes by the nickname "Bubba" which delights the crap out of me.  

See, golf is a very genteel sport, full of peaceful walks through nature, picturesque settings, dress codes and the occasional profanity.

Slightly more occasional if people golf as badly as you do.

So when a golfer with a low-brow name like "Bubba" comes in and wins not only a golf tournament,  but possibly the most prestigious tournaments in the country (And I just learned today it's the only PGA major tournament that is always held at the same golf course).  The course itself is far from lacking controversy, as a matter of fact.  The Augusta National Golf Club only admitted rich white men to membership until 1990.  The rich part was actually optional, but nobody who isn't rich can afford to be a member, so I added that to the criteria myself.  The rule excluding black members was eliminated in 1990 when Ron Townsend was offered membership.  There remain no female members of Augusta, although you'll be pleased to know that women are allowed to carry the golf bags of members around the course. 

Rip It Up and Move Down At The Same Time, Apparently

I’m okay with having fun, but I have no idea how to Wang Chung

Jeremy's singing to himself again.  We should have some time.

Actually, I'm just making fun of the song "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung.  You see, there are very few hard and fast rules when it comes to music, but one of them is something I like to refer to as "Jeremy's Big Rule #1."  It states:

• If the lyrics of your song include the name of your group, it's a bad song.

It's actually pretty universal, covering just about every rap song, anything written by Kid Rock, and the aforementioned Wang Chung ditty. 

What about "Bad Company" by Bad Company?  From the album "Bad Company"?

There are, of course, exceptions to every rule...

"Rock and Roll Band" by Boston?

That one's kinda tenuous.  They're just referring to the city in the lyrics, not the band.

"Wild Wild West" by Escape Club?

Actually kind of a loophole there.  The full-length recording has the section in the middle where they say "Here comes Escape Club to rock you tonight" and that part is ridiculous and pretty well puts the whole song right down the pan.  However, the radio edit cuts that nonsense out, leaving a pretty decent song.  

ANYWAY...the point is that the Wang Chung song is pretty lousy and hasn't stood the test of time very well.  It also includes the line "Everybody Wang Chung tonight" which I have no idea how to pull off.  According to The Google, Wang Chung is Chinese for "Wang Chung"so their translation is no help.  

The opening lines of the song are "I'll drive a million miles to be with you tonight."  He'd be taking a ridiculously circuitous route to get there, since one million miles would circle the earth just over 40 times.  

All in all, I don't think we can put a whole lot of stock in the lyrics to this song.  Turns out to not matter much, since nobody likes it anyway.  

Don't Ask Where My Computer Was

When coming to work, an ID Badge is much more useful than a garage door opener

In most cases, I'm sure that's true.  But what if you work in a garage?

 Valid point, but I don't work in a garage.  I work in an office which requires employees to scan an ID badge in order to enter the building.  I know this.  I also have a garage at my house which requires clicking a button in order to open the door.  I know this as well.  

To facilitate going in to work, I have one of the aforementioned ID badges.  It stays in my car, locked safely away when I'm not at work.  It stays there so that I don't forget to bring it with me and have to drive back home to get it.  Smart.  

To facilitate going home, I have a remote control for the garage door.  This was all well and good until I got a car which could be programmed to mimic the door controls.  Once I got that set up, I had no need for the remote, but wanted to keep it around just in case, so I tucked it away in the little storage bin in my car that also contains my work ID badge.  There's plenty of room for both, and it's out of the way, so I don't have to think about it.  Smart.  

I keep my work ID badge on a lanyard that I got as a piece of corporate swag from one of my suppliers.  83% of all ID badge lanyards at my office were obtained this way.  On occasion, the lanyard itself gets caught up in the clip for the garage door opener and the remote comes along for the ride when being pulled out of the storage compartment in the car.  Not usually a problem, I free the remote and re-stow it.  In a recent case, my brain didn't work As Well As It Usually Does and as I grasped the conglomerate lanyard/garage door opener, I thought to myself, "I don't need all this."  I disconnected the remote from the lanyard and tossed the lanyard back in the storage and set off to work holding my garage door opener.  Not smart. 

Fat Stacks, But Over Time

If you’re reading this, you didn’t win either

I'm pretty sure I won at least a couple bucks by not playing.  

For those who enjoy living in caves, last week marked the highest lottery jackpot in American history.  Like so many other lemmings, I threw some money at tickets for the thing.  Basically, the logic was as follows:  I'm not going to win, but I can at least sleep tonight knowing that I gave it the ol' college try.  

None of us won.  

Let's be realistic here.  If I won 600-some million dollars, I wouldn't be writing this Blag anymore.  This whole thing came about by having to explain my instant messenger's status far too often.  If I win 600 million bucks, I won't be working anymore.  If I'm not working, I don't have to use the instant messenger.  If I don't use the instant messenger, I don't have to change the status.  If I don't change the status, there's nothing to explain, so no Blag.  It's a little sad to think about, but I simply wouldn't be doing this anymore.

You're in the same boat, as loyal readers.  If you won 600 million dollars, you're too busy fielding phone calls from long lost relatives who want to reconnect, old grade school friends who have great new business ideas, and charities who know who's new to the disposable income game.  You wouldn't be sitting around reading amateur comedy blags.  Unless, of course, you've decided that your new business venture with all of your new-found wealth is that of a sitcom producer looking for the next hot new talent...at which point, by all means, use the comment section here to get in touch with me.

Now...all that said...I came closer than you did to winning 600 million dollars last week.  I came closer to winning the lottery last week than I have in my entire life, and that spans all 3 or 4 times I've played the lottery.  I actually did have 4 of the 6 numbers right, on the same ticket no less, which entitled me to a nice dinner's worth of winnings, but a far cry from the obscene sum I was looking for when I bought the tickets.  So, bottom line...yes, I won some money in the lottery, no it's not enough to bother mugging me in the parking lot, yes I'm still working and coming up with great new Sametime Statuses for your entertainment, yes I want you all to come back tomorrow.  Money hasn't changed me.