If you can’t beat them, beat them. They’ll expect you to join them, and you’ll have the element of surprise.
Isn't that what most people do to you for the terrible jokes you post here on the blag?
First of all, my jokes are amazing.
Amazingly bad.
Second of all, fewer than one half of my loyal readers actually hit me for something I post here. At least one will appreciate the fact that I used the word "fewer" in the previous sentence.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Buy my album!
Now eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
Congratulations, Jeremy. I hope you get in this time...I know you've felt snubbed the last few years, what with never putting out an album of really anything...ever...but I'm sure it's going to happen for you now.
Halls of Fame suck.
In a world where we pay way too much attention and money to things that really don't matter (sports, movies, etc...), celebrities have become so absurdly obsessed with themselves and their accomplishments that it's getting a little weird. My main issue with this type of nonsense is, of course, awards ceremonies. I just saw a commercial saying that the Grammy awards were coming up. That's for music...but wasn't there a whole bunch of ruckus about Taylor Swift's acceptance speech being interrupted not all that long ago? Isn't she a musician? So maybe I'm wrong here, but if we very recently had an awards show for musicians, why are we now having another awards show for musicians? Apparently, musicians have nothing better to do than get dressed up and receive award after award for the same song. If they're so bored, how's about coming over to my place and shoveling the driveway or something?
You couldn't afford that.
Building on this premise, the ultimate awards ceremony is the Hall of Fame. People gather in a building to look at a non-stop award to somebody for a job well done. Be it somebody who used to be good at Baseball, Football, Hockey, Lacrosse (It's in Baltimore, don't bother looking it up), Curling (also not making it up...Orleans, Ontario), Polka (Euclid, OH), or being a Robot (Pittsburgh, PA). Seriously? Fricking HAL 9000 is in a Hall of Fame?!?!
The main purpose for Halls of Fames' existance is so that they can hold induction ceremonies. Yes...an awards show. It's a great way to bring in people who are interested in seeing somebody or something they admire in person getting an award. This works out well for the Hall of Fame because people actually come to the place they normally wouldn't go to and spend money that they normally would spend elsewhere. Aside from Induction Ceremony Day, Halls of Fame barely exist. The inherent issue here is that invariably, Halls of Fame run out of people worth inducting. Since they MUST hold an induction ceremony to make money, SOMEBODY has to get elected and inducted every year. To that end, they decide to induct somebody who had been passed over previously, since people apparently get an indeterminate number of tries to get elected, or somebody who's not quite up to the previous standard of quality required for election. All that really happens is over the years, the quality of the Hall of Fame and the prestige associated with being inducted is decreased.
This week brought news that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, OH is lowering their election standards because they've run out of worthy people to induct. Rather than accept that there aren't any good bands left who are induction-worthy, it is apparently more important to the Hall of Fame to hold an induction ceremony, so they will elect a lesser band. Good job! You've officially sold out.
Maybe I'll start a Sell-Out Hall of Fame....
Congratulations, Jeremy. I hope you get in this time...I know you've felt snubbed the last few years, what with never putting out an album of really anything...ever...but I'm sure it's going to happen for you now.
Halls of Fame suck.
In a world where we pay way too much attention and money to things that really don't matter (sports, movies, etc...), celebrities have become so absurdly obsessed with themselves and their accomplishments that it's getting a little weird. My main issue with this type of nonsense is, of course, awards ceremonies. I just saw a commercial saying that the Grammy awards were coming up. That's for music...but wasn't there a whole bunch of ruckus about Taylor Swift's acceptance speech being interrupted not all that long ago? Isn't she a musician? So maybe I'm wrong here, but if we very recently had an awards show for musicians, why are we now having another awards show for musicians? Apparently, musicians have nothing better to do than get dressed up and receive award after award for the same song. If they're so bored, how's about coming over to my place and shoveling the driveway or something?
You couldn't afford that.
Building on this premise, the ultimate awards ceremony is the Hall of Fame. People gather in a building to look at a non-stop award to somebody for a job well done. Be it somebody who used to be good at Baseball, Football, Hockey, Lacrosse (It's in Baltimore, don't bother looking it up), Curling (also not making it up...Orleans, Ontario), Polka (Euclid, OH), or being a Robot (Pittsburgh, PA). Seriously? Fricking HAL 9000 is in a Hall of Fame?!?!
The main purpose for Halls of Fames' existance is so that they can hold induction ceremonies. Yes...an awards show. It's a great way to bring in people who are interested in seeing somebody or something they admire in person getting an award. This works out well for the Hall of Fame because people actually come to the place they normally wouldn't go to and spend money that they normally would spend elsewhere. Aside from Induction Ceremony Day, Halls of Fame barely exist. The inherent issue here is that invariably, Halls of Fame run out of people worth inducting. Since they MUST hold an induction ceremony to make money, SOMEBODY has to get elected and inducted every year. To that end, they decide to induct somebody who had been passed over previously, since people apparently get an indeterminate number of tries to get elected, or somebody who's not quite up to the previous standard of quality required for election. All that really happens is over the years, the quality of the Hall of Fame and the prestige associated with being inducted is decreased.
This week brought news that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, OH is lowering their election standards because they've run out of worthy people to induct. Rather than accept that there aren't any good bands left who are induction-worthy, it is apparently more important to the Hall of Fame to hold an induction ceremony, so they will elect a lesser band. Good job! You've officially sold out.
Maybe I'll start a Sell-Out Hall of Fame....
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Kinda makes you feel all warm and squishy
The Feel-Good Story of 2010
I feel better about 2010 already! Thanks for this, Jeremy!
No problem at all. Happy to provide this important public service.
I feel better about 2010 already! Thanks for this, Jeremy!
No problem at all. Happy to provide this important public service.
Monday, January 4, 2010
That means there's no wrong way either
When you’re the one selling an Instructional Video, YOUR WAY is the Right Way.
Happy New Year, Jeremy!
Thanks, LIR. I'm looking forward to a whole new year of Great Sametime Statuses to share with you.
How about more of the same crap you usually do?
I can do that too!
So what's this instructional video you're watching? Writing Comedy For Dummies?
Over the holiday season, I came into possession of an instructional DVD on how to become a better volleyball setter.
Christmas present?
Not exactly...I lifted it from somebody's house. They weren't using it. Anyway...this DVD is the lowest-budget/quality piece of crap excuse for an instructional video ever. It showed hand technique in real-time from a single off-court camera. Even on the big screen of the Jeremy Megaplex 1, you couldn't even tell what the setter was doing. The narrator was a coach who didn't believe in editing, or a script, or Queue cards....or being interesting, for that matter. One of his most often used phrases (and I swear I'm not making this up) was "There's no RIGHT way to do it." BULL! If you're selling an instructional video, you need to be instructing me on the right way to do things. Even if technically, there are multiple correct ways of doing something...PICK ONE! Show some guts. If somebody else comes through with a different way, who cares? It's a little competition. Even if you're wrong and people disagree, who cares? They've already bought the video.
You didn't "buy" the video.
Hardly the point.
Happy New Year, Jeremy!
Thanks, LIR. I'm looking forward to a whole new year of Great Sametime Statuses to share with you.
How about more of the same crap you usually do?
I can do that too!
So what's this instructional video you're watching? Writing Comedy For Dummies?
Over the holiday season, I came into possession of an instructional DVD on how to become a better volleyball setter.
Christmas present?
Not exactly...I lifted it from somebody's house. They weren't using it. Anyway...this DVD is the lowest-budget/quality piece of crap excuse for an instructional video ever. It showed hand technique in real-time from a single off-court camera. Even on the big screen of the Jeremy Megaplex 1, you couldn't even tell what the setter was doing. The narrator was a coach who didn't believe in editing, or a script, or Queue cards....or being interesting, for that matter. One of his most often used phrases (and I swear I'm not making this up) was "There's no RIGHT way to do it." BULL! If you're selling an instructional video, you need to be instructing me on the right way to do things. Even if technically, there are multiple correct ways of doing something...PICK ONE! Show some guts. If somebody else comes through with a different way, who cares? It's a little competition. Even if you're wrong and people disagree, who cares? They've already bought the video.
You didn't "buy" the video.
Hardly the point.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I love the classics
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Is that what happened to my paper?
Uhm...of course not.
What's more impressive about this is that you're up before dawn. Morning's suck.
I agree. Now...in case you missed it yesterday...
Which we all did because of your day savagely full of meetings at work...
Yesterday was "Barbie and Barney Backlash Day," a holiday created by Wellcat Holidays and Herbs in an excuse to sell more greeting cards. Apparently, you're also supposed to tell your children that Barnie and Barney are imaginary. So, to all of the Loyal Readers out there...I consider you my family, so let me be the first to say, "Barbie and Barney are not real." Sorry.
Is that what happened to my paper?
Uhm...of course not.
What's more impressive about this is that you're up before dawn. Morning's suck.
I agree. Now...in case you missed it yesterday...
Which we all did because of your day savagely full of meetings at work...
Yesterday was "Barbie and Barney Backlash Day," a holiday created by Wellcat Holidays and Herbs in an excuse to sell more greeting cards. Apparently, you're also supposed to tell your children that Barnie and Barney are imaginary. So, to all of the Loyal Readers out there...I consider you my family, so let me be the first to say, "Barbie and Barney are not real." Sorry.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Friggin Heralds...
Pet Peeve: People who call the song "Hark The Herald"
You're clearly referring to the timeless holiday carol "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"
Yes...and this bugs me more than you might think.
Here we go.
So, since our society has become lazy, we prefer to shorten everything we can...especially when it comes to pronunciation. Names (William=Bill, Jennifer Lopez=J-Lo, Bradley Pitt and Jennifer Aniston=Bennifer), Cities (Soho, SoCal, Dowisetrepla), restaurants (KFC, Mickey D's, Double D's), pretty much everything. I'm guilty of it too...one particular person who plays a key role in my sitcom grew accustomed to calling me "Jer" and then one day she randomly called me "Jeremy" and I was confused. It's really all part and parcel with The Wussification Of America...which is fine, except when it goes too far.
All of the names and places mentioned above at least make sense when you use them. But calling this song by the abbreviated name "Hark The Herald" is meaningless. It's laziness for the sake of laziness, and demeans the meaning of the song. You're saying to the world, "I don't care what the song is about or what it's supposed to mean, I'm going to shorten it because I don't feel like saying the whole thing." Is anything worse?
Probably...
The answer is a resounding "NO!"
Let's examine. A "Herald" is much like a fanfare. "Hark!" is like saying "Hey...listen." In the song, you're not listening to a mere fanfare. You're listening to a choir of angels announcing the birth of Jesus. They're Herald Angels! So, listen up people...the Herald Angels are singing. Pay attention!
You're clearly referring to the timeless holiday carol "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"
Yes...and this bugs me more than you might think.
Here we go.
So, since our society has become lazy, we prefer to shorten everything we can...especially when it comes to pronunciation. Names (William=Bill, Jennifer Lopez=J-Lo, Bradley Pitt and Jennifer Aniston=Bennifer), Cities (Soho, SoCal, Dowisetrepla), restaurants (KFC, Mickey D's, Double D's), pretty much everything. I'm guilty of it too...one particular person who plays a key role in my sitcom grew accustomed to calling me "Jer" and then one day she randomly called me "Jeremy" and I was confused. It's really all part and parcel with The Wussification Of America...which is fine, except when it goes too far.
All of the names and places mentioned above at least make sense when you use them. But calling this song by the abbreviated name "Hark The Herald" is meaningless. It's laziness for the sake of laziness, and demeans the meaning of the song. You're saying to the world, "I don't care what the song is about or what it's supposed to mean, I'm going to shorten it because I don't feel like saying the whole thing." Is anything worse?
Probably...
The answer is a resounding "NO!"
Let's examine. A "Herald" is much like a fanfare. "Hark!" is like saying "Hey...listen." In the song, you're not listening to a mere fanfare. You're listening to a choir of angels announcing the birth of Jesus. They're Herald Angels! So, listen up people...the Herald Angels are singing. Pay attention!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Take that, True Love!
On the 13th Day of Christmas, I took all that crap back to the store and got a refund. Ka-Ching!
No use for partridges?
Not even Laurie.
Wait, what?
So today marks the start of the last week of work before the holiday break.
And the completion of a sentence with three consecutive prepositions.
I thought I'd take this opportunity to familiarize you with the upcoming Jeremy Is In The Office schedule, since I have nothing better to talk about today. There will be all-new Sametime Statuses this week. The week of the 19th will be vacation, and the week of the 28th will be all-new stuff for a few days before new year's. It's going to be great.
You mean like a great tragedy, or a great waste of time?
No use for partridges?
Not even Laurie.
Wait, what?
So today marks the start of the last week of work before the holiday break.
And the completion of a sentence with three consecutive prepositions.
I thought I'd take this opportunity to familiarize you with the upcoming Jeremy Is In The Office schedule, since I have nothing better to talk about today. There will be all-new Sametime Statuses this week. The week of the 19th will be vacation, and the week of the 28th will be all-new stuff for a few days before new year's. It's going to be great.
You mean like a great tragedy, or a great waste of time?
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