Theme Week, Part H.M.

Lessons From "The A Team" Week! Being thrown over the hood of a car is as good as an arrest


I imagine being thrown over the hood of a car would suck...but seriously? Effectively an arrest?


It's true! I saw it on TV, therefore it can only be the most factual of information.


I hear Wikipedia is the same way.


Indeed. So, one of the things you need to know about dealing with The A Team is that the dispute will ultimately boil down to a fight involving guns that can't hit anybody, then a fist fight once the ammo runs out, or your car has been flipped onto it's roof.

While you, as the leader of a corrupt empire, would expect your accomplices to understand the severity of the organization's crimes and the ramifications of getting caught, they're remarkably easy to capture and arrest. Sure, they may seem loyal and determined when you first set out, and even at the first sign of adversity, but once the fists start flying, they wilt like old lettuce.

See, the way it works is that after a couple punches to the face, your minions' resolve is severely weakened and they resign themselves to their fate of being captured at gunpoint. The very guns they weren't afraid of moments ago, actually. All it takes is for them to inevitably lose the fight, then get thrown over the hood of a car, and they're finished. They will then sit quietly, not making a physical or vocal attempt to change their predicament. At that point, your empire is collapsed and you have no choice but to sit and wait for the police to show up.

Theme Week, Part John

Lessons From "The A Team" Week! When starting your evil, corrupt empire, always make sure you own a helicopter for chasing vigilantes


Ah yes...we all love The A Team. That crack commando unit wrongly imprisoned for robbing a Hanoi bank. They survived in the Los Angeles underground living as Soldiers of Fortune helping people when nobody else could.


Indeed. Over the course of the TV Show, there were many lessons to be learned. Unfortunately, I was too young to really appreciate them during the years the show was on the air. However, thanks to the magic of Netflix, I'm now able to reap the rewards after the fact. The lessons these modern-day Robin Hoods have to teach have survived the test of time and remain invaluable to this day. Today's lesson is actually for the villains among the Readership here...and that is to always own a helicopter.


Most of us already do, actually.


That's good. As it turned out in the series, nearly every episode featured a small gang of corrupt villains, headed by a mastermind who would invariable underestimate The A Team's abilities. Not to worry, though, because they could always fall back on the line "Get to the chopper!"

Of course, not sure why, but none of these guys ever used the chopper to simply fly out of harms way...they would always use the helicopters to chase after cars on the ground and shoot at them with automatic rifles with badly misaligned scopes. (I'm assuming the sights were misaligned simply because they never seemed to hit anything. EVER!)

On more than a few occasions, The A Team managed to procure a chopper of their own, resulting in a thrilling aerial chase which ended with the bad guys' helicopter landing and the pilot being punched by Murdock. None of this would be possible (or necessary, I guess) if the corrupt gang didn't have a higher than average probability of owning a chopper in the first place.

Pop Quiz!!!

How many pies can be made out of the Great Pumpkin? Closest answer without going over wins!


Ah, yes. The traditional Thanksgiving pumpkin pie. Things rarely get better than that. Of course, you have to ask yourself if the Great Pumpkin would actually make a good pie. The skin might be a bit hard or chewy.


I'm really not sure how to pick a good pumpkin for pie-making. Never done it. But, I do know that large pumpkins are rarely used, and that they sell (I almost typed "make" here) smaller "Pie Pumpkins" for just such an occasion.

Regardless, everybody knows the legend of the Great Pumpkin. He rises out of the pumpkin patch he deems the most sincere, then flies through the air to deliver toys (or was it candy?) to all the good little boys and girls. The legend, of course, is from the Peanuts comic strip, and the only character to believe in the legend was Linus...but that doesn't stop it from making a good Sametime Status.

So, your task is simple. Submit your guess as to how many pumpkin pies could be made from the Great Pumpkin, and the closest to the actual answer wins.


If he's just a legend, how is there an "actual answer"?


I've done some scientific calculations.


Looked at a graph of pumpkin weights and found one that looked about right?


Exactly! Have at it, and have a good Thanksgiving, everybody!


Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office starting tomorrow and returning monday, November 29th with all new Sametimey Goodness.


And a new Theme Week!


Wow...we just got done with a Theme Week...this is a rare and special gift, Jeremy. Thank you!

Good Morning!

Nothing says "Good Morning" quite like driving to work between a snowplow and a state trooper


So did you get plowed over, or arrested? Please say you got arrested.


Fortunately for everyone reading, I did nothing wrong, so there was no need for my police friend to pull me over. We just kept on our merry ways behind the snow plow.

Of course, the bigger question is...what with it being about 60 degrees here in Jeremy Land...why was there a snow plow driving around. There's no snow. There's no forcast for snow. We don't need a snow plow. So why are you clogging up my commute?

Theme Week, Part Five

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 5: Stay away from others as much as possible if they are sick. Stay home from work and school if you are sick


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means decreasing temperatures and increasing litigation for slip and fall accidents, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.



Finally, for this week...the most important thing you can do to help slow the spread of the upcoming pandemic. If you find yourself sick...stay home! Despite the fact that the spread of birdly is a near metaphysical certainty, the bulk of the population would actually prefer to not get it. Therefore, if you start exhibiting the symptoms of Bird Flu, do your best to not infect those you know or care about. It could mean all the difference in the world. Not to you, most likely...but to them.

Theme Week, Part Four

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 4: Volunteer with local groups to prepare to assist with emergency response


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means The First Snowfall and the first four-letter greetings for the snowblower that won't start, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


When the inevitable Bird Flu pandemic does hit, our emergency response teams will need all the capable help they can get. Of course, this means getting started early with training and volunteering. Other local service organizations have roles and responsibilities too, so don't stop with the firehouses and police stations. Get started now, so you can be ready.

Also, as I'm sure you've seen on the news by now, Bird Flu Has Returned To China. The timing of this infection with this week's Theme Week couldn't be better. All of the Loyal Readers have a three-day head start on the pandemic.

Theme Week, Part Three

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 3: Cover coughs and sneezes with tissues


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means Hockey Season and more Sean Avery suspensions, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


While there will ultimately be nothing you can do to combat the spread of Avian Flu, you may be able to slow it down ever so slightly. One of the key ways to do this is to contain the virus to yourself. Once you're infected, make sure to cover your face when coughing or sneezing. The government's Flu website recommends covering with a tissue or handkerchief, but the rest of the world has adopted what is known as the "Dracula Sneeze" in which you bury your face in the crook of your arm. This is a total misnomer, as you don't normally see Dracula in this pose, rather the Replacement for the late Bela Lugosi in "Plan 9 From Outer Space."

Either way, make sure you keep the virus to yourself, and give the rest of us a somewhat sporting chance against Bird Flu.

Theme Week, Part Two

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 2: Teach children to wash hands frequently with soap and water


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means Ice Skating and brand new Youtube videos of Snowboarding Faceplants, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


While the current variant of Bird Flu is unable to spread to humans via air transport, the H5n1's ability to mutate quickly is precisely where the danger lies. Once it changes itself enough to spread via the air and the more traditional Flu transport mechanisms, the pandemic will begin. When this happens, much like any other virus, it will be important to keep your hands clean at all times. This means plenty of handwashing with a good antibacterial soap, plenty of hot water, and some of that alcohol-based sanitizer. Diligence will be key to survival, so start the good habits now, while you still can.

Theme Week, Part One

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 1: Store a two week supply of water and food


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means Christmas presents and hot cocoa by the fireplace, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


Thank you, LIR. While we may not be able to prevent the outbreak and spread of Bird Flu, especially since latest indicators are that the virus can now be spread from birds to pigs, there are important things we can do to slow it down and try to avoid being infected. We'll be examining these activities this week.

The first thing to make sure to do is to have a 2 week supply of non-perishable food stored up in the event of a pandemic outbreak. This way, you can hunker down in your home and try to survive. It's a critical first step, and we encourage all members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to stock up.

It's okay...you'll do better next time

Ouch for the guy who gets picked last for the NHL All-Star Game


Well, the players are all selected in advance.


That's not the point. You still get the monicker of being the guy picked last for the game. It's hilarious.

Anyway, maybe now is a good time to point out that the NHL has come up with a new way to pick teams for the All-Star Game. This year, they're going to have captains pick the teams, in a fashion very similar to grade-school dodgeball. Apologies to those of you who live in Maine, Maryland, New York, Virginia, Texas, Massachusetts and Utah, as Dodgeball has been banned from schools in those states, so you may not know what I'm talking about. (No, I'm not making that list up)

Anyway...canonically speaking, the most athletic and popular kids are chosen first, then on down the schoolyard food chain until you get to the dorky kid who wears glasses and is athletically clutzy as the final pick. So, even though he will be one of the top hockey players in the world, somebody is going to be the dorky kid with glasses who gets picked last for the All-Star game...and I'm looking forward to finding out who it is.


You never wore glasses.


Which just makes it that much more unfair!

About the weather, too

It disturbs me how often I'm forced to think, "Lewis Black was right."


The bear is following you around?


Different bit.


Drinking Starbucks?


Again, not quite.


I'm losing interest in your story.


Lewis did a bit a while back about MTV, and how they've done everything they can to destroy music. This is done by showing music videos...which go in your eye, which is different from your ear. I'm paraphrasing due to Lewis's prolific use of F-Bombs, and this is a family blag.

Anyway, the point being that music videos are weird, and very seldom have anything to do with the song. And if you have mental visions while listening to a specific song, and it happens to match the MTV video for it, you have issues. Again, paraphrasing because we don't condone violence here.

So I came across a music video recently for a new song I kinda like. HERE'S THE VIDEO!! So uhmm....yeah. Give that a look and you'll start to wonder what exactly prompted some director to come up with THAT when they listened to the song.

At least since July 7, 1928

Hyperbole is the greatest thing ever!!!


Yeah, we all see what you did there. Want to just assume everybody gets the joke and call it a day?


Works for me! Woohoo!

It's True!

In a bit of revisionist history, the handkerchief was invented by John A Kimberly


Okay seriously, Jeremy...one of these days, we're going to get sued over these Revisionist History bits.


I'm just providing some amusing history facts for people who may not be aware.


Your use of the word "facts" is troubling.


Didn't Napoleon once say, "History is a myth men agree to believe?"


Didn't he also say he made all of his Generals out of mud?


Yes, but that's beside the point entirely. The primary point of today's Sametime Status comes from the fact that I watched some movies recently...and more than one of them involved the use of a handkerchief. It seemed a little out of the ordinary that these things would show up as often as they did because frankly, nobody uses them anymore. The reason for that being, of course, that handkerchiefs are pretty gross.

Think about it, but not in great detail. You need to wipe something up or blow your nose...so you pull a piece of cloth out of your pocket, take care of your business, then promptly return it to your pocket. Whatever's now in your handkerchief is now oozing out into your pants and onto your leg. Why was this a good idea?

Also suppose later in the same day, you needed a repeat action. You pull out the already sullied cloth, open it to hopefully some portion that was not directly used, and still end up spreading your previously-expelled sputum all over some other surface or face. Eww.

Or was this all part of some dastardly plot? Could this have been another cutthroat self-fulfilling business prophecy? As it turns out, the inventor of the portable handkerchief was none other than John A. Kimberly, who went into business with his long-time friend Charles B. Clark to create the Kimberly-Clark corporation, inventor of Kleenex disposable facial tissues.

That's right. The handkerchief was invented to display to the world the need for disposable tissues. Once diseases started spreading, the world was first made aware of Bird Flu, people started demanding a more sanitary solution. Mr. Kimberly to the rescue with his facial tissue company, and the rest...as they say...is history.


Once the court papers start coming in over this, we're all history.

Still holding out hope for Fall

I saw a snowflake! Why are the schools still open?


Because it's like 40 degrees, there was barely any snow, and it's just going to rain for the rest of the day?


That's not the point. Schools are wussies, and around here they cancel classes at the first hint of snowfall. It's really quite annoying, given the fact that I never got any snow days when I was in high school.


Yeah, yeah...4 feet of snow, walking uphill both ways...


Actually, no. But it's true that they never did close school for snow. It closed down for cold one time, but never snow...or ice...or hail...


Is this a new Blag feature called "Jeremy Is Jealous"?


Nah. I think I have enough features. I'll just go ahead and file this under The Wussification Of America and call it a day.


Sounds like a plan.

Am I missing something?

I'm still trying to figure out how "Double Vision" is hockey music


Hockey music is an interesting thing. Depending on the timing, hockey music takes on various forms. From hard rock during times when the home team needs a boost to "Come Out And Play" during a fight to jaunty omnipresent organ cheers. I'm also one of about 4 people I know who would be amused by the fact that the LA Kings' organist played "Brass Bonanza" during the game against the Carolina Hurricanes. All that said, I can not, for the life of me figure out why Foreigner's "Double Vision" made good hockey music.


If it was played right after a really hard check, I would make a case that it's hockey music, though in pretty bad form.


It was a pretty physical game, but those weren't the circumstances. It was a normal play stoppage, and the crowd seemed to be singing along or getting otherwise involved in the playing of the song.


Maybe something was playing on the Jumbotron while this was happening.


It's about the only logical explanation I can think of. Can somebody who was at the game last night fill me in? I'm confused, and that's no way to be on a Friday. I'll be Nerd Sniped all weekend.

It's Important

Dry Clean Only


That's very important. It keeps your Sametime Status clean and won't cause shrinkage.


It also reminds me of a great Mitch Hedberg linefrom his first album "Strategic Grill Locations". The joke goes, "This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty."

I don't know how often you go to the dry cleaners, but I can probably count them on one finger.


Ehh...about once a week or so. Depending on if I really need my ascot pressed.


Were you doing a crossword puzzle recently?


As a matter of fact, I was.

I'm talking to YOU!

Attention Film Makers: Fourth Wall Breaks are not funny


I don't know...Ferris Bueller seemed to pull it off pretty well.


And he's about the only one who ever did. The fourth wall is there for a reason, people!


Maybe as a public service, you should explain to the nice folks just what the Fourth Wall is all about.


The Fourth Wall is your TV screen...or a theatre's movie screen. Whenever a character looks directly into the camera to directly address the audience, they are said to be "Breaking the fourth wall." It's a horrible film technique that needs to stop.


This seems rather specific for a general rant, Jeremy. Was this based on a recent event?


Actually, a bit, yes. I was watching a film recently that shall remain nameless for various reasons. I don't want people going out and subjecting themselves to it.


You also don't want people to know you watched it.


This movie involved no less than three Fourth Wall jokes where a character made a quip and then looked at the audience with a smirk. It's akin to saying "No pun intended" during a conversation where you accidentally make a pun. You're saying to your audience, "hey hey...look how awesomely fast my brain works, that I realized that was a pun and don't want you to be angry with me when you figure out that it was." Jerk. Yes...I know you just made a funny funny joke. Saying "I've been dying to meet you" during a zombie movie pretty much means you're toast, so you don't have to point out the irony to the audience with bad acting.

On a brighter note, the movie did have a character named "Byrdflough," so that was something...