They're Probably Not

“Fig Newtons are made with bananas?”  -Anonymous Co-Worker


It should be relatively well known at this point that Jeremy is a self-repeatedly-proclaimed genius.  He also works with geniuses.  On occasion, genius runs into some stumbling blocks along the way.  Have a seat, and Jeremy will regale us with an entirely true story from the office.    


So, not long ago, I was sitting in a meeting at work.  This particular meeting is a recurring meeting, every week at the same time, and it's pretty long.  It's long enough that is fairly often devolves into some sort of nonsense, and often singing.  


Jeremy gets paid for this stuff...


Another feature of this meeting is the snacks.  On occasion, cookies, candies, or other goodies make an appearance for the team to enjoy during the productive times.  Recently, due in no small part to laziness on everyone's part, this too has devolved into the treats being Tic Tacs.  (Not a sponsor...but, you know...you can be, Tic Tacs.  Give me a call)  Tic Tacs are ostensibly breath mints, but come in such a variety of fruit flavors that they can be substituted for candy in a pinch.


At some point, this really does get around to Fig Newtons, I swear.  Also, not a sponsor.  


Not long ago, we were provided with banana flavored Tic Tacs.  They were at least reasonably tasty and I assume made my breath smell okay, so we went with it.

Well, this week, once again, the snack patrol (of which I am totally a member) slacked off, leaving us with wintergreen Tic Tacs as the treat of the day.  Not nearly as tasty, but probably did a better job with the whole breath thing, since that's what they're made for.  Anyway, this led to some good-natured ribbing of the Tic Tac provider that we had mints instead of a more appropriate candy for the meeting.  One person lamenting this fact by pointing out that we recently had the banana flavored version, and that we had no banana this week.  As you might imagine, this devolved into song, singing the song "Yes!  We Have No Bananas." 


Here's a Fun Fact!  That song is way older than you think.  It was written in 1922 by Frank Silver and Irving Cohn for the Broadway show "Make It Snappy."  


The song was also made famous more recently by being featured in a commercial.  Everyone in the meeting remembered this fact, but not what it was a commercial for.  The meeting continued.  During this time, a certain genius engineer took it upon himself to Google what commercial it was which used that song for its soundtrack.  So, a few minutes after the meeting had resumed, I randomly blurted out, "It was for Fig Newtons."  The commercial featured a monkey examining all of the new fruit flavored offerings of Newton-style cookies, but lamenting the fact that there were no banana flavored Newtons.

Only mildly confused, but certainly understanding of the interruption, a co-worker asked what was Fig Newtons, to which everyone else, who had begun laughing at this point, explained that it was the Bananas song we had sung minutes earlier.  To which, the anonymous co-worker asked, "Fig Newtons are made with bananas?" 

The meeting ended on time. 

Did They Actually Mean The Monster?

Are Motley Crue and Alice Cooper singing about the same Frankenstein? 


To understand today's Status, you should probably familiarize yourself with Motley Crue's song "Dr. Feelgood" and Alice Cooper's "Feed My Frankenstein."  I can't promise you'll be happy with yourself, but you'll at least know why Jeremy thinks he's funny.  


Right you are!  So, in the songs LIR mentions, it's pretty clear that Mr. Cooper is singing about his Frankenstein.  If you want to know more about what this means, lyrical analyses are available on the internets as an exercise for the reader.  They're not exactly wholesome, but you should have known that right around the time I said the words "Alice Cooper."  Funny story, and I'm told it's true, but my boss at work apparently used to sit next to Alice Cooper (Or Vincent Furnier, as his birth certificate would lead you to think his name is) in church in Phoenix.

I'll let that sink in. 

Either way, Motley Crue sings about Dr. Feelgood in a song whose lyrics are also not particularly wholesome.  They refer to Dr. Feelgood as a man who is "gonna be your Frankenstein."  This leads me to wonder if the two aren't the same Frankenstein.  I'm pretty sure they are.


Anyway, just a couple things to wrap up from last week's Theme Week.  


Oh yes, of course.  Friday's entry in the "Dr. Seuss Character or Pokemon" Theme Week was Poliwhirl.  The Poliwhirl, of course, is a first-generation Pokemon which lives in fresh water and whose primary abilities appear to be having translucent skin and getting other Pokemon wet.  That's about it.  Which means the finals total from last week were three Dr. Seuss Characters and two Pokemon.  Thanks to everyone who played, and for the one person who actually recognized the hidden theme in the Post titles as characters in the Digimon universe.  We hope you enjoyed Theme Week.   

Theme Week, Part Ekakimon

Jeremy Is In The Office Proudly Presents:
Dr. Seuss Character or Pokemon Week!
Day 5:  Poliwhirl 


Alas, Theme Weeks go by so quickly.  Today marks the final entry in our quiz celebrating both the Pokemon universe and the weird and wonderful creatures in the world of Dr. Seuss.  


It's always sad to see Theme Week come to an end, like all good things.  But, we will move on next week to all new Statuses.

In the meantime, we can review yesterday's character Joat. 

Joat is an animal in Dr. Seuss's book "If I Ran The Zoo."  The Joat is a strange hybrid creature, with the hooves of a cow, the coat of a squirrel, and the voice of a goat, yet exhibit dog-like behavior, especially when sitting.  They also apparently have long necks and horns.  They also apparently like to use their goat voices to sing, but the timbre becomes rather unappealing in their upper registers. 

So finally, we'll leave you with "Poliwhirl."  Is Poliwhirl another Dr. Seuss creation, or a first-generation Pokemon?  We'll post the answer on monday! 

Theme Week, Part Dokugumon

Jeremy Is In The Office Proudly Presents:
Dr. Seuss Character or Pokemon Week!
Dr. Seuss or Pokemon Week!  Day 4:  Joat


Here we go...headlong into Day 4 of Theme Week!  All this week, we're asking you to identify the subject as a Dr. Seuss Character, or a first-generation Pokemon.  Exciting stuff.  


Right you are.  Yesterday, we introduced you to Tentacool.

Tentacool, of course, is a water-based Pokemon first introduced in 1997.  It looks a lot like a blue translucent jellyfish with red crystals adorning it's head.  The Tentacool uses sunlight as its primary weapon, storing and refracting it using the water in its body in order to generate an energy beam.  It also has the ability to mentally control other Pokemon by touching them with its two tentacles. 

As Theme Week moves right along, we examine Joat.  Is Joat a fellow Pokemon, or one of the mythical creatures from the pages of Dr. Seuss's books? 

Theme Week, Part Cerberumon

Jeremy Is In The Office Proudly Presents:
Dr. Seuss Character or Pokemon Week!  
Day 3:  Tentacool


We've reached the halfway point of Theme Week here at Jeremy Is In The Office, and look to you to decide if today's entry is a Dr. Seuss character or a first-generation Pokemon.  


That's right!  Theme Week keeps chugging right along, as yesterday we asked about Biffer-Baum.

Biffer-Baum, of course, are birds from "Dr. Seuss's Sleep Book" who toil endless nights trying to make a bed out of bricks and rope.  We never do find out if they ever finish it without making a colossal mess. 

Today, we look at Tentacool.  Is Tentacool a figment of Dr. Seuss's imagination, or a figment of Pokemon Ltd's imagination? 

Theme Week, Part Babydmon

Jeremy Is In The Office Proudly Presents:
Dr. Seuss Character or Pokemon Week! 
Day 2:  Biffer-Baum 


We continue with Theme Week today, as we explore the fictional universes of Dr. Seuss and the Pokemon.  It's up to you!


Yesterday, we introduced this latest Theme Week with a simple question.  Is the character presented one of the hundreds of Pokemon, or one of the seemingly endless colorful characters in a Dr. Seuss book?

The first day of Theme Week kicked off with "Kweet."


It sounds like a Pokemon, but is clearly from the world of Dr. Seuss!  


Right you are.  The Kweet is a large bird first introduced in the 1953 book "Scrambled Eggs Super!"  It is portrayed as a bird from which the eggs come from.  The eggs are improved by the fact that bugs eat the blossoms from Basalnut trees.  The bugs are then eaten by the wogs, which are eaten by the trout, which are ultimately consumed by the Kweet.  The resulting chain results in high quality, sweet eggs.

Today, we move on to Biffer-Baum.  Dr. Seuss Character, or Pokemon?   

Theme Week, Part Aegiomon

Jeremy Is In The Office Proudly Presents:
Dr. Seuss Character or Pokemon Week!  
Day 1:  Kweet  


It's Theme Week once again here at Jeremy Is In The Office, and we're celebrating by quizzing you, our loyal readers in your knowledge of two very specific groups of fictional characters.  


That's right!  Each day this week, we will offer up a figment of somebody's imagination and leave it to you to decide if that character is the work of one Theodor Seuss Geisel, or any of the many corporate automatons responsible for inventing the 802 known Pokemon.

Yes, this whole thing was thought up not long ago when I got slightly mixed up between The Lorax and the Snorlax in a conversation I remember almost nothing about.  It made me wonder just how close some of the Pokemon names are to some of the crazy mythical creatures thought up by Dr. Seuss. 

Here are some fun examples!

Dr. Seuss brought us the Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz, The Sneetches and Zanzibar Buck Buck McFate. 

Some Pokemon are the Butterfree (Which I always get confused with Fluttershy the Pony...don't ask me why), Magikarp, Pikachu, and of course, Jigglypuff. 

While all pretty fun examples of the literary genius of each, they're also pretty easy to distinguish.  The test ones used for this week's Theme Week may not be so easy.  We'll see.  I've actually already forgotten today's, but that's beside the point...I have the answer key.  Anyway, to make things a little easier, we're sticking to First Generation Pokemon, of which there are only 151.  Of course, that 151 apparently doesn't include evolutions, but I don't know if that means they evolved during first generation, or if they evolved once the second generation started...I don't know or care that much about Pokemon.  That also means the 802 number I quoted above is probably wrong, because the chart I'm looking at gives the same NDex number for two different evolutions of the same Pokemon and I seriously don't give a crap anymore.  I'll show you the link to the thing at the end of the week, since I don't want anybody cheating, but trust me, there are many many webpages devoted to this stuff.  It's a little scary. 

Regardless, today we'll be focusing on Kweet.  Is Kweet a Pokemon, or a character from a Dr. Seuss book?  You decide! 

Those Things Can Be Expensive

I would like to know how somebody lost a boot in a snow pile


Seems pretty obvious.  Somebody stepped in snow, and their boot got stuck.  What's the problem here?


So, Spring has officially sprung in the Greater Jeremy Area, and you know what that means!


Hayfever!  


Well...that too.  It means that the giant piles of snow that have collected in plow areas and at the end of my driveway are in their final throes, leaving behind strange little piles of whatever debris that came along with the snow to its pile.

Unrelated to anything, I recently learned that according to maritime law, there are four different and legally distinct types of debris.  Flotsam, Jetsam, Lagan, and Derelict.  Comparing and contrasting those four is left as an exercise for the reader. 

Anyway, one of these giant piles of snow is at the entrance to the parking lot at work.  The pile was probably around 12 feet tall in its prime, owing largely to the late-winter blizzard that happened around here not all that long ago.  It's no longer enough to build a decent snowman, but the pile of crap that surrounds it is quite impressive.  Lots of little pebbles and more substantial pieces of parking lot that got scooped up with the snow by the giant plows that maintain the lot, some plastic bags, a few aluminum cans, and a single boot. 

Yes...a boot. 

It's a pretty decent boot, too.  One of those tan pretty tough-looking leather work boots.


Presumably left by somebody who, unlike Jeremy, works for a living.  


I have no idea who left their boot out in the parking lot, or why.  I would think that people who wear work boots would notice rather quickly if one were missing, especially if it were to be lost in the dead of winter.  That person should notice either the immediate cold, or the fact that they're now walking on wet pavement instead of the rugged comfort of a decent work boot.

Either way, if you're out there and lost a work boot somewhere in the Greater Jeremy Area at some point over the winter, I know where it is.  Let me know. 

They're Round, So Can't Be Boxes, Apparently

Interestingly enough, tins are made of plastic now  

I don't even know when tins stopped being made out of tin.  Is there a history lesson somewhere?

Locating the full manufacturing history of containers dubbed to be "tins" is left as an exercise for the reader.  

Cheap cop out, Jeremy.  I like it!  

Not long ago, I realized that I was running low on mints at work.  I keep them in my desk drawer for after lunch and times that my breath just generally needs to be mintier.  In fact, in the middle of typing that last sentence, I decided to be mintier, so I grabbed a mint.  I go through them fairly quickly, but I'm okay with that.  It makes me more pleasant to have a conversation with.  

At least physically.  Mentally, having a conversation with you is just as mind-numbing.  

Most normal people would go to a grocery store or to a large chain box store where they have large displays of candy and mints right next to the cash registers in order to buy mints.  They also tend to have a larger candy-themed aisle dedicated to this sort of thing.  I am not most people.  I buy my mints online from a large retailer which, for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call Nile.com.  

I do this for several reasons.  

Liar. 

I do this for one reason.  It's ludicrously cheaper.  The exact same container of mints that I can buy at the grocery store for around $2.75, I can buy a case of on Nile.com fora shade under $2 each.  Of course, they come in a box of 8 containers, so I'm buying in bulk for the savings, but I'm okay with that.  Want to know why?  Because they're mints!  They won't go bad.  They'll just sit in a box in my office desk until I need them, at which time, I pull out a new container, open it up, and I'm good to be minty fresh.  I can do this 8 times before I need to think about it again...and I've saved six bucks.  Twelve if you count the fact that I bought two of them, but that's not important right now.  

Regardless of all of this, I noticed that the box my new mints came in specifically says that it contains eight "1.5oz (42 g) TINS."  They actually call the containers of mints "Tins."  One would think that the tins are made of...you know...tin, or at the very least some form of metal.  I mean, people still use the name "tin foil" to describe aluminum foil (or Aluminium, for our European readers), and that's generally considered acceptable.  But in this case, my mints are housed in containers entirely made up of plastic.  There is no metal, tin or otherwise, involved in my mint containers.  I feel I've been lied to. 

It's Only Polite

If an email tells me not to reply, you better believe I’m replying  


What exactly do you say to a non-functioning email address?  


That's the beauty of it.  I can say whatever I want!

So, if you've ever been on the internet, you've probably gotten an email or two from a service email address.  It's one of these automated things which emails you to let you know that your online order has shipped, or your dentist appointment is next week, or your lawn is due for feeding...you know...worthless crap like that.  If you've never been on the internet, you haven't gotten one of these emails, and I would wonder how you're reading a Blag, but that's not important right now. 

Most of these emails don't bother informing you that they come from a computer which doesn't bother to check incoming messages.  I can't imagine anybody replying to the lawn feeding email, saying "hey, thanks for the heads up, Lawn Food Company.  You really saved my grass's bacon."  Any normal person would look at this email and either add lawn food to their shopping list, or tell themselves to remember to feed the lawn before promptly forgetting to ever feed the lawn and sentence themselves to another summer of weeds in the front yard. 

What bugs me is when the email subject, or worse, the sender field, tells you in giant all-capital letters, "DO NOT REPLY."  Such was the case for a recent online purchase I made.  Their automated system sent me no fewer than five emails informing me that my order was received, my payment was authorized, my payment has been made, my order has been shipped, and they created an invoice for me.  All of this for 10 bucks worth of laser pointers.  The sender for these emails was "DO NOT REPLY."  Not the company's name, or "Email Notifier," or anything...their name was "DO NOT REPLY." 

I replied. 

All I said was "Thank you," but I made a very concerted effort to reply.  I thought it was the polite thing to do.  I keep waiting for a court order or something to get me to stop harassing the company, or for my email to be suspended due to abuse since I very clearly replied to an email that told me not to reply, but I've suffered no repercussions thus far.  The email didn't even bounce or anything.  I just haven't gotten a response.  It would be nice of somebody at "DO NOT REPLY" to send a "You're welcome."  It wouldn't kill them. 

I Need A Siren

Snow tires are off, and war on Mother Nature has been declared!  

Once again, Jeremy is foolish enough to poke the Weather Bear.  The next great blizzard of 2017 should be just around the corner.  War Were Declared

I really don't think it's as bad as all that.  I believe I stated yesterday that it's Spring.  I also did a modicum of research. 

By that, of course, I mean I looked at the weather forecast for the next week, and didn't see any snow and at least one day of 70+degree temperatures.  Therefore, nuts to winter!  I took the snow tires off of my car!  I also had a free hour in which to do it, and that was quite possibly my last chance for a little while, so I took advantage of the opportunity.  It was quite honestly a nice day for it, as well. 

What I'm never quite fully prepared for is just how dirty the job is. 

Sure, this whole cleanliness thing was exacerbated by a minor injury I suffered at the hands of a plumbing project I had completed the day before.  So, as it turns out, when you have threading on a standard copper pipe, for example the kind of copper pipe that you screw a bathtub spout and diverter onto, those threads can be remarkably sharp and can cut through the skin of your thumb rather easily while you're applying teflon tape.  But that's beside the point entirely. 

So, I had a bandaid on my thumb while I'm changing the tires on my car, and that didn't really last all that long.  As soon as that bandaid slips a little bit and you get an entire winter's worth of road grime and brake dust underneath it, all of its adhesive properties go right by the wayside, and you spend more time trying to keep the bandaid on your thumb whlie spinning lug nuts than you do spinning the stupid lug nuts. 

All of that having been said, I completed my task, bum finger and all, and officially declared war on that bitter old crank, Mother Nature.  I've traded my gas mileage for a lack of traction in the snow...let's see what she does about that. 

The Triumphant Return?

Yesterday was a lovely day for open windows and skunks  

And today is a lovely day for the return of Jeremy.  It's been a while!  

So, today, I return from a pretty long, unexpected hiatus.  There have been some issues keeping me away, and overall, the world hasn't been very funny lately, so that's put a crimp on my Blagging ability.  All of that ends today!  

At least for a couple weeks until work sends you down to Texas for a while.

None of that's been decided.  

What has been decided is that it's officially spring!  I guess that's decided chronologically more than anything else, but the weather is finally improving to the point where it may actually start to feel like spring.  It was a downright tropical 59 degrees (15deg C) yesterday, which made for prime opportunity to open the windows for the first time since early fall and allow some fresh air into the house.  

It was lovely.  

You know who else thought the weather was lovely yesterday?  

The skunk outside my house.   

So, all of the areas of my house that had open windows and mild, breezy conditions got invaded by the pungent and unmistakable odor of skunk, thereby completely destroying the very purpose of opening the windows in the first place.  

Spring sucks.