How About It, Future?

So, I guess now, we just look forward to April 5, 2063

It's really the only thing left.  A little sad, really.  

So, today is October 22, 2015.  I'm sure you've heard about this recently, but as of today, the entirety of the events in the "Back to the Future" trilogy have occurred in the past.  No, we don't have shoes with power laces, we don't quite have hoverboards (with water functionality or otherwise), and we don't have home nuclear fusion reactors that run on banana peels.  Also, the Cubs won't be winning the World Series.  

So what's next?  Now that we've looked forward at this vision of the future and have been left with nothing but disappointment, what future event can we look forward to?  

It seems obvious, really.  

NASA came out last week and showed evidence of some large object blocking the light coming from a distant star.  The star in question, named "KIC 8462852" (I propose renaming it to "Jeremy", but ball's in your court, NASA) has been under watch by scientists for 6 years.  During that time, we have seen the light from that star being interrupted on a far more irregular basis and by a far more significant basis than any planet would produce.  As time goes by, this may very well be the first significant evidence we've discovered of life outside of earth.  

April 5, 2063 is the day that humans successfully first achieve faster-than-light travel, thus resulting in First Contact with the Vulcan species.  I mean...canonically.  So it seems pretty clear that we have 47 years, 5 months and 14 days to get our act together as a species.  We'll also be keeping a close eye on anyone with the surname Cochrane to name their child Zefram. 

Who Else Could It Be?

What if Jenny was Jessie’s girl, and later had a daughter named Stacy?

In that case, the music world would be simplified pretty significantly.  At least by two people.  It's a start.  

So, I have a theory I'd like to share with you all.  

I present to you the possibility that Rick Springfield, Tommy Tutone, and Fountains of Wayne were all singing about the exact same person.  

I refer, of course, to the hit songs "Jessie's Girl" (Springfield), "867-5309/Jenny" (Tutone), and "Stacy's Mom" (Wayne).  They all refer to a woman of near transcendent beauty and intelligence and are the object of the artists' desires.  How hard is it to draw the conclusion that they've all been smitten by the same person?  

It all makes sense chronologically, too.  

"Jessie's Girl" was released in 198, and tells the story of a dejected Rick Springfield who is hopelessly in love with an unnamed woman who is in a relationship with Rick's friend Jessie.  The song ends with no change in relationship status, so it's safe to assume that Jessie and his girlfriend remain together.  

Towards the end of the year, Tommy Tutone learns of a girl's phone number when he finds it written on a wall.  Her name is Jenny, and we're led to believe that Tommy is aware of the person to which the name and number belong.  His story of unrequited love ends with him still not able to call her.  We can only assume that she's either still dating Jessie, or they broke up, and in a fit of post-break-up rage, Jessie scribbled her phone number on nearby walls to sully her reputation.  Either way, it's clearly the same person.  

22 years later, we hear of Fountains of Wayne, who are completely enamored with their friend Stacy's mother.  It's not much of a stretch to think that Stacy is the daughter of the very same Jenny, who married Jessie and had a child.  Jenny is still the same near-perfect person she has always been, and is now influencing a second generation with her desirability.

It's the only thing that makes sense. 

Theme Week, Part Engvall

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:
Joke Autopsy Week!

It’s funny because “Bob” is both a name and a verb describing something in water

Today, we wrap up our Theme Week of comedy education, with a detailed explanation of the humor from another classic joke.  Please be warned, though, that some people may find today's joke offensive, so proceed at your own risk.  We apologize in advance, but sometimes, to be successful in comedy, you have to live on the edge of tastefulness.  Of course, after today, this joke will never again be able to be described as "comedy."  

Today, we look at a series of jokes depicting a hypothetical person who, through no fault of his own, does not have arms or legs.  The joke comes in where the audience is asked to guess the name of the aforementioned person, given no information other than the fact that the person has no arms or legs, and is in a specific predicament.  

In this particular instance, the joke is as follows: "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is in a swimming pool?"  The audience, understanding that a person, regardless of number of arms and/or legs can have whatever name was given to him by either his parents, the Court System, or the Nation of Islam, can not, with any degree of accuracy, deduce the man's name.  

The punchline comes, "Bob!"

This series of jokes relies entirely on the dual meaning of certain names, which can also be commonly used to describe or name objects.  In this case, "Bob" is a shortened version of the name "Robert."  The name Robert is of Germanic descent from the original Hrodebert, meaning "Bright with Glory."  Rhyming variants began to appear in the Medieval period, such as "Hob" and "Dob."  Bob is seemingly the only remaining of those, though variants such as "Bobby" and "Robin" still exist today.  

The word "bob" can also be used as a verb meaning "to move about with jerky, usually rising and falling motions."  Such motions are very commonly associated with floating in a body of water, such as a swimming pool.  

So, what's happening here, is that a man with no arms and no legs would have little recourse, if found floating in a swimming pool, than to remain largely motionless, moved only by the motion of the waves in the water.  Such movement would take the form of a bobbing up and down motion, thus earning our unfortunate victim the nickname "Bob."  It's at least somewhat offensive, but entirely hilarious.