Can We Compromise With "Shoeball"?

That Cup is way too small for the whole World to drink out of it

Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira, it's World Cup time again!  

So, before you get all nutty, I know that the World Cup trophy isn't even a cup.  It's just one of the many many things about soccer that make no sense, that we just sort of push under the rug every 4 years.   

First of all, the sport has two different names, depending on whether or not you're American.  The rest of the world calls it "Football" because you kick the ball around the field with your foot.  However, we here in America already have a game called Football in which you use your hands to throw a thing that's not really a ball, then you catch it and tuck it into your arm.  Out of 50-some players on an American football team's roster, two of them ever use their feet to do something with the ball.  This takes precedence, apparently over Soccer.  They even call the field a "pitch" for some reason.  As for calling the trophy the "World Cup"...

Next, there's the World Cup trophy, which is not a cup.  It's a small globe held up by two human figures, and the entire thing is cased in gold.  The trophy is never actually won, though, the winning team receives a replica, and their country name is inscribed on the bottom.  The trophy will run out of room for new winners in 2030.  Nobody knows what will happen at that point.  Speaking of things nobody knows...

Nobody also knows how offsides works in soccer.  The refs and players claim to, but I'm convinced that they just make things up as they go along and hold up a flag when they think they're supposed to.  It's not like soccer players have any integrity.  Which brings us to...

Diving is an art form in soccer, as observed in This Video Set To "Yakkety Sax."  Any time you can set your sport to Yakkety Sax, nothing good is happening on the field.  I don't know how often this works, but it should be subject to video review.  It's not.  Near as I can tell, a critical strategy in soccer is to wait until somebody is close to you on the pitch, then fall down like you were shot and grab whatever appendage was closest to your opponent.  Then, act like you're in extreme pain until either the ref comes over and provides some form of discipline to your opponent, or your team's trainer comes out to heal you.  Which leads us directly to...

The Magic Spray!  Any time a player is "seriously" injured while playing soccer, the miracle cure for whatever ails them is a bottle of aerosol spray perhaps developed by NASA or aliens.  It immediately remedies the source of the player's issue and allows them to return to action within seconds.  It must truly be wonderful stuff, but nobody knows what it is.  Its effectiveness is shown in This Video.  

So now you know all you need to know about soccer for the next month or so, or however long the World Cup lasts until you forget about it for the next two years.  Here's to One-Nil games!