Stupid, Stupid Jeremy!

No, I’m not the Jeremy from those cell phone commercials

That's too bad.  I always like when you get publicly shamed on national television.  

Any how many times has that happened?

Just the once, as far as I know.

Wait, what?  

Anyway, I've Mentioned Before about how some people named Jeremy give the rest of us Jeremys a bad name.  They cause people to yell at them by doing stupid and/or obnoxious things in public.  Well, now, T-Mobile has gone too far and made the subject of their Nationally Televised Ridicule a chump named Jeremy.  Apparently, this other Jeremy (who I'm assuming is entirely fictitious) is traipsing around Europe ringing up huge cell phone bills because he doesn't have the right carrier.  

Well, let me assure you that I've been to Europe.  Several times.  And let me also assure you that prior to going there, I did a little research on whether or not my phone would even work on their cell networks, let alone whether there would be additional charges.  I'm smart like that.  As a result, I incurred precisely zero extra fees on my cell phone bill during my travels.  Not like that other Jeremy...jerk.  

So feel free to stop asking me if I'm that idiot Jeremy who doesn't know how to read a cell phone coverage map.  I'm a little better than that, thank you very much.   

There Was A Stalker Named Subzero In The Movie

Stephen King has apparently retired from writing and now plays goalie for the Edmonton Oilers

Wait...Stephen King doing something that doesn't involve the state of Maine?  This seems unlikely.  

So let's leave Stephen King alone for just a moment and talk about another writer by the name of Richard Bachman.  Bachman is an accomplished horror fiction writer, with such works as "Thinner," "The Running Man" (Later made into an action blockbuster starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, though the movie had precious little to do with the book, but I digress), and "Blaze."  Bachman was thought to have died of cancer shortly after "Thinner" was published in 1984, but two additional manuscripts were found and published posthumously in 1996 and 2007. 

Richard Bachman was Stephen King.  Most people know this, but since 52% Of People Think Lasers Work By Focusing Sound Waves, I take nothing for granted.  At the time of "Thinner"'s publication, an astute book reviewer noted similarities between King's and Bachman's writing style, and was granted an interview by King himself who revealed his pen name.  The prevailing theory of the time was that a publisher would only release one book per year per author so as to not saturate the literary market with one author's work.  This has since been widely debunked, but it was the feeling at the time.  King wrote as himself and as Bachman as a way to skirt this issue, to at least some success.  The official cause of death for Bachman was listed by the Washington Post as "cancer of the pseudonym."  King chose the name Bachman because the song "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive was playing when he was asked to choose his nom de plume.  True story. 

So I told you that story so I can tell you this story.  Richard Bachman is also the name of an ice hockey goaltender.  He had played a toal of 19 games for the Dallas Stars prior to this season, and I had never heard of him.  He signed with the Edmonton Oilers this past off-season and made his Oilers debut last night against the LA Kings.  I was listening to the game on the radio and was forced to laugh every time they mentioned the name "Richard Bachman."  It made me think Stephen King had suited up for the Oilers and something really really bad was about to happen to the Kings. 

May The Force Be With You While You Live Long And Prosper

My idea for Star Wars - Episode IX: End scene, roll credits, fade in to Spock waking up in his quarters and saying, “Woah, I just had the worst dream…”  Fade to black 

I would almost agree that this is a good idea, in a nerd trolling sort of way, but I'm afraid that there would be riots.  There are probably already going to angry emails sent your direction.

I should be a screenwriter.  My book and movie ideas would sell millions, if only for the pure hatred of the concepts.  A while back, I came up with my idea for the end of the Harry Potter series in which the whole show comes to a very abrupt end with Voldemort killing Harry and taking over the magical world.  Imagine that...nearly 7 books and untold billions of dollars invested in a series, movies that had already been cast and had directors hired before the final book ever came out...and it all ends with on incredibly short prank ending.  People had already devoted their lives to the series, only to have the rug pulled out from under them in one glorious swoop.  There would have been massive panic in the streets outside of my house, but I'd be living someplace far away in my incredibly giant mansion, laughing all the way to the bank.  

J.J. Abrams is in a rather unique position to do something just as bold and shocking.  We all know that geekdom is highly segregated between the Star Wars fans and the Star Trek fans.  Both are multi billion dollar franchises, both function entirely on their own merits, but ask any nerd to compare the two, and their answer will be one sided and more emotional than you're expecting (Heaven help you if you search the internet for which ship would win a battle between the Enterprise and the Millennium Falcon).  Star Trek recently saw its universe rebooted with the 2009 film (with one sequel released and at least one more to come), and recent buzz surrounds the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy, episodes 7, 8, and 9, due to start being dumped on us in 2015.  Quite honestly, nobody needs more of either series.  Right around the time Lone Star married Princess Vespa, Captain Kirk met God, and Jar Jar Binks showed up, we all knew we'd reached the end of what could reasonably be expected.  Yet, here we are, with more movies planned, and more money about to be shoveled towards Hollywood for producing roughly nothing new.  Not all that long ago, when it was announced that J.J. Abrams would be directing Star Wars, Episode VII, hot on the heels of his directing the new Star Trek movies, I thought the world was going to implode.  How could the universe expect these two series to coexist under one director?  

Well, since there is plenty of speculation about the plots and characters of the upcoming Star Wars sequels, I thought I'd put in my two cents (Considerably more after I'm granted writing credit and royalties).  I think it would be Genius if the Star Wars series would end as a nightmare in the mind of Spock.  It's not such a bad thing, since it's not as if the Star Wars series has any integrity left anyway...not after Episodes 1-3.  They've already rendered the entire series unwatchable, so why not go out with a controversy for the ages?  

I chose Spock for one very important reason...recognizability.  Since the reboot, the image of Captain Kirk has changed enough going from William Shatner to Chris Pine that he might not be immediately recognized.  But Zach Quinto looks enough like Leonard Nimoy that, especially with the iconic pointy Vulcan ears, the character of Spock will be unmistakable for anyone who has ever watched Science Fiction.  It just makes sense.  

It would be as if millions of nerdy voices all cried out at once, and they'd never be silenced again.  J.J. Abrams and I can then laugh all the way to the bank.  

More Than You Wanted To Know

Somebody may now explain to me why I have the theme song to Disney’s “Bonkers” stuck in my head

 


If you actually think anybody here is going to explain what's going on in your head, I have some really bad news for you....


So, Bonkers was a Disney cartoon that ran back in the mid 90's about a cartoon character who was pushed out of the cartoon business and ended up with a job as a police officer in a place called "Toon Town."  If this sounds like a bit of a cross between several Warner Brothers characters of the same era (Yakko, Wakko, and Dot mized with Slappy Squirrel), well, a case could be made that you're right.  There is also plenty of resemblance to the film "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" which came out 5 years earlier.  Generally speaking, the whole premise of the show was nothing unique at the time. 

Regardless, this cartoon was a major divergence from Disney's usual brand of cartoon into the more off-the-wall slapstick type of humor that Warner Brothers had been putting out very successfully for many years.  (See: Bunny, Bugs)  Only problem with this is that while this type of cartoon is right in WB's wheelhouse, Disney wasn't particularly good at it.  Overall, the show fell pretty flat and lasted the standard 65 episode limit of many Disney shows before Bonkers D. Bobcat was retired for good. 

As is also typical of Disney's cartoons, much effort was put into the Opening Theme Song.  (See, Rescue Rangers, Gargolyes, Darkwing Duck)  The result was arguably the best part of the show.  While this is all well and good...I have no explanation for why it's been in my head lately. 

Ready For Spring

Sadly, it looks like I’m going to have to turn the heat on

One more in the Win column for Mother Nature, that bitter old crank.  

I don't really know why I do this to myself.  I mean...I know why, but I also very much don't.  Every  year about this time, I engage in a battle of wills with the weather to see just how long I can go without turning the heat on in my house.  Ostensibly, it's because heat can get expensive, but that fact doesn't much cross my mind when I'm getting ready for work in a 62 degree house thinking I can hold out one more week to make it into November.  I'm not so much concerned about saving the couple of dollars (absolute max) it will run me to bump the temperature up 8 degrees or so for an hour in the morning as I am having my human spirit triumph by not flipping one little switch.  

I don't know why I do this to myself.  

I prefer summer over winter, and while there's something noble about not giving up on summer just yet, the leaves all over my yard and the frost on the leaves all over my yard don't lie.  Summer is finished, the temperatures won't be going up again for a little while, and I will simply have to turn to fossil fuels to provide my heat for a little while.

I'm miserable and whiny when I'm cold.  

So why do I force cold upon myself in the name of a futile gesture against the forces of nature?  I'm not happy about it, nor do I really have any chance of winning.  I really should just bite the bullet and flip the thermostat to "On"...but I just can't yet.  I've almost made it to November!

The Real Star Was, Of Course, A Car

Thanks for the spoiler alert, Waylon Jennings

How dare you accuse The Balladeer of anything untoward!  He's just telling us about two good ol' boys who never mean any harm.  

My bigger issue is with an issue later on in the song...but first a little background.

Waylon Jennings is very well known for his performance singing the theme song to the classic TV show "The Dukes of Hazzard."  It's a show about two cousins Bo and Luke Duke who live with their uncle Jesse and other cousin Daisy.  They're on probation or something and live their lives trying to be upstanding members of the community.  Standing in their way is what stands for the authority figures in their county, which consists of a corrupt rich guy ("Boss" J.D. Hogg) who wants to own and run everything and a remarkably incompetent sheriff (Roscoe P. Coltrane).  Every episode consists of some scheme run by the rich guy and the sheriff to arrest the Dukes and take their farm.  We then live in suspense about whether the Dukes are going to be able to avoid the sheriff and foil the scheme.

Here's the problem:  Waylon Jennings tells us at the start of every episode that, as far as the Dukes are concerned, "someday the mountain might get 'em, but the law never will."  So, we know right off the bat that the Dukes are going to get away scot-free, regardless of what plat or scheme has been concocted by Boss Hogg and Sheriff Coltrane.  

True story, I once had to yell at my radio because some guy called into the morning show talking about "Rosco Picotrain."  He said it several times, and he was wrong.  I had enough.

So anyway, every episode of The Dukes of Hazzard has been ruined right from the start by the theme song with nary a mention of "Spoiler Alert."  Thanks, Waylon Jennings. 

So Far, 5 People Have Asked For The Punchline

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?  

An awful Sametime Status and a continuation of a horrible trend of Friday Blag entries?

You're so negative.  What's gotten you so grumpy?

Rhetorical Friday always makes me grumpy.  I don't know why.

Well, everyone else loves it!

For certain definitions of "everyone."

Well, it's time to be happy.  It's Friday afternoon, it's fall, and we're currently at the peak of leaf peeping season here in the Greater Jeremy Area.  They actually told me that on the radio this morning.  It'll be the weekend soon, and there's a whole world of happiness to explore.

And instead of exploring any of it, you give us more Rhetorical Friday.

It's what I do!  Have a good weekend, everybody!