Theme Week, Part Fire

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! The perfect solution to the California Wildfires: Food Club brand Charcoal!


Okay...here we go again. I'll prepare the legal briefs.


What if I prefer the legal boxers?


Wait, what?


So anyway...last week's vacation included grilling, as vacations on a lake often do. Unlike home, where I push a button and fire appears in my propane grill, I was roughing it. The grill at the lake is one of those old-fashioned ones where you have to put charcoal in the bottom and light it with a match first.


The horror. Whatever did you do, Jeremy?


I went to the grocery store in town...a chain of Markets with a self-distributed reputation for Quality products, including the store band "Food Club." Seeing as how I didn't want to spend any more money than necessary on charcoal that wouldn't be necessary anywhere outside of this vacation, I purchased a bag of "Food Club" charcoal for all of my grilling needs. What followed was ridiculous.

I poured charcoal into the grill, arranged the briquettes into a pyramid, like I'm supposed to, and squirted some lighter fluid (Incidentally, also Food Club brand) and lit the stack. The lighter fluid proceeded to burn happily among the charcoal, so I went inside to tend to my upcoming food. I went back out to the grill about 10 minutes later (You're supposed to wait 15 minutes for the charcoal to properly start and be all burning and charcoaley), and the entire pile was black and cold. No heat whatsoever coming from my charcoal. I tried more starter fluid and re-lit...a couple minutes later, all evidence of flame or heat were a distant memory. This process, I kid you not, went on for an hour and a half...futily trying to turn a pile of charcoal into a grill only hot enough for long enough to cook a frickin' hamburger. No luck. I ended up cooking my burger inside on the stove.

It was right about then that I came up with a new episode for my sitcom.

It'll take a long time to cook this way

It's pretty annoying when your propane tank runs empty mid-steak


Sounds like you had a steak on the cold yesterday.


Well, not exactly. If you'll remember A While Back, I told you about a funky wireless grill thermometer I have. Well, I was watching the handset intently (A watched pot never boils, but a watched steak over flames still cooks as it turns out) waiting for it to reach optimum temperature...and when it was about 13 degrees below setpoint, it seemed to stall. I was curious and hungry, which prompted me to look out at the grill...where there were no longer flames.


13 degrees isn't so bad. Definitely above tartare.


Exactly, so while my steak was on the rare side of medium...it was not exactly to my liking, but totally edible. Of course, the fact remains that I have a couple bratwursts sitting in my fridge right now that belong on the grill tonight, and an empty propane tank. I can see this being problematic.


Sounds like you need to get a refill on the quick.

What was I thinking?

The middle of January is a bad time to try to buy rock salt.


Of course it is...it's time to get ready for the beach!


So let's ignore the fact that the lawn is covered in snow, negating the need for a lawnmower, or that the frozen ground won't be especially receptive to planting new seeds or fertilizing. Forget that the grill is still under wraps and everyone's pool is still a solid block of ice.

Despite all of this, it seems worthy of note that the temperature tonight is supposed to be roughly -2 degrees (-19deg C), and there exists the possibility that I may need to apply salt to my driveway. This apparently is a foreign concept to at least 4 stores in the area, who have completey removed their supplies of ice melter, replacing them with grills, lawnmowers, planting and fertilizing supplies, and swimming pool chemicals. To these stores, I give a hearty "No Thanks." I know I need to buy my Christmas supplies in July, and my Fourth of July barbecue is just around the corner, but how's about leaving out one bag of rock salt for me? I could use that before somebody decides that taking a header in my driveway could be very lucrative for them.

More fiery death

I'm not sure how comfortable I am putting batteries named "IGNITE" near my grill.


Isn't that what you want grills to do? They do cook stuff, you know.


The grill is supposed to ignite, yes, but it's not supposed to ignite everything in the vicinity. I like my grill flames to be largely contained within the grill so as to not set the world on fire.

So, you may remember Not Long Ago, I told you all about getting a new grill thermometer with a wireless transmitter. Well, I got to play around with it yesterday, and that means installing the batteries. Needless to say at this point, the batteries that came with the thermometer were from the incredibly popular world-famous brand "IGNITE". If the transmitter goes up in flames the first time I use my grill, I'm going to be quite upset.


Speaking of upset...are you sad that the world didn't end?


Not really. I like it here. So, even though the Large Hadron Collider didn't destroy the world, we still should not rest on out laurels. There are still many atom-smashing experiments to go, and let's also not forget the ever-looming threat of Bird Flu. Here's a reminder:

I'm sending it back

I’ve been ripped off. My new Barbecue Thermometer won’t let me cook my chicken Medium-Rare the way I like it.


Salmonella, party of one.


I know, I know...always fully cook your chicken, blah blah blah...


This public service announcement brought to you by "Jeremy Is In The Office." "Jeremy Is In The Office" is a wholly owned subsidiary of Miracle Posting, Incorporated. If it's a good Blag Post, it's a Miracle.


So I was going to get a steak or something to grill tonight, but Mother Nature has other ideas, sending me Thunderstorms for the rest of the day, and pretty much pooching any chance I have of trying out the new thermometer. Which is a shame, too, because it's pretty cool. It has a wireless transmitter so I can just walk around with a little walkie-talkie looking thing and know exactly when my steak is cooked to perfection.

Speaking of grills:



This video irritates me to no end, and is part of my continuing series, "The Wussification Of America." At the very end, the mother says that the maker of this particular item should remove them from the shelves. But...SHE'S THE ONE WHO BOUGHT IT FOR HER MORON KID!!! Also, removing them from shelves wouldn't help in her case anyway, since she bought it at a flea market.


It's probably not a good idea to put anything you buy at a flea market in your mouth.


Lots of good tips for healthy living in the Blag today. I feel accomplished. Have a good day, everyone!