Also: Global Warming

The lamestream media is lying to us!  A guy on the radio this morning said that Nailz was one of the Nasty Boys.  

Okay, people.  Before Jeremy explains this nonsense to you, stop whatever the heck you're doing right now and Watch This Video!  It will be the greatest part of your day.  Now, on to the second greatest part of your day....

So we hear a lot these days about media bias.  There's left bias, right bias, liberal bias, conservative bias, a bias toward fairness (A term that I needed TV's Will McAvoy to explain to me, saying "Bias towards fairness means that if the entire Republican Congressional Caucus were to walk into the House and propose a resolution stating that the Earth was flat, the Times would lead with 'Democracts and Republicans Can't Agree on Shape of Earth'.").  The end result is that everyone has their own set of doubts about various media sources.  This distrust gives rise to new terms like "Lamestream media," which is basically every standard media outlet who is apparently too blinded by corporate profits to actually be able to report facts.  

Well, included in this is now the radio station in the Greater Jeremy Area which plays the morning show I listen to while getting ready to go to work in the morning.  Granted, they're a comedy show, but that doesn't mean they're allowed to distort the facts for their own purposes.  Lately, they've been playing a call-in game where the listener is presented a name, and they have to guess whether that person is a professional wrestler or an adult film performer.  Not the most wholesome game ever, but we don't judge here.  

Jeremy's three for three so far this week.  

So, after playing this morning's edition of the game, one of the hosts went on to talk about the professional wrestler Nailz.  Portrayed by Kevin Wacholz, Nailz was the short-lived WWF persona of a former convict who was released from prison and was out to seek retribution from the former prison guard, "The Big Boss Man" as played by Ray Traylor.  He was fired from the WWF shortly thereafter following a physical altercation with owner Vince McMahon.  Everyone knows this.  Well...everyone except for the radio host, apparently, who described Nailz as one of the Nasty Boys.  This is inexcusable.  The Nasty Boys were, of course, an enduring tag team consisting of Brian Knobbs, Jerry Sags, and nobody named Nailz.  

I'm going to have trouble believing anything this radio host has to say from now on.  Geeze...

Saving Myself Another 10 Bucks

“Dwayne Johnson’s Best Movie” isn’t up against very stiff competition

 I don't know who that is.  Perhaps you should refer to him as "The Rock."  

Wait, what?

Missed the joke...cool.  

So anyway, a new film came out last week called "Snitch."  In it, apparently, The Rock goes to Hogwarts and joins the house Quidditch team.  I'm not 100% sure about this because I can't be bothered to look up a plot summary.  

Not long ago, I saw a commercial for this film on TV.  If there's one thing that's more subjective and biased than movie reviews, it's commercials featuring quotes of movie reviews.  No matter how big a pile of crap a movie is, people who make commercials can find at least one positive sentence in some obscure review somewhere and use that in a commercial to make the movie seem less crappy than everyone knows it really is.  I'm actually guilty of this myself, having pored over movie reviews to compile a list of reasons to get my friends to watch One Of The Worst Movies Ever.  Many of my friends no longer talk to me.  

So this recent commercial calls "Snitch," and I'm quoting, "Dwayne Johnson's best movie."  This is all well and good out of context, but when you look at some of the garbage Dwayne Johnson has been involved in, this endorsement loses a lot of steam.  We're now comparing this movie to such cinematic triumphs as "Walking Tall," "Doom," and, of course, "Tooth Fairy."  This dossier doesn't quite put our boy Rock into the realm of Nicolas Cage when it comes to picking atrocious movies to star in, but it's not exactly a quality resume to send to movie studios looking for the Next Big Thing. 

Theme Week, Part I

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 1:  Real Estate

Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...well, it's easier than doing other stuff.  This year, rather than presenting you, the gift-buying public, a list of stuff to buy Jeremy, we're going the opposite direction and displaying a list of stuff that Jeremy, regrettably or otherwise, won't be finding under his tree.  We start, as we do many things, in the world of cartoons. 

That's right.  While everyone out there is racking their brains trying desperately to find the perfect gift for their favorite Sametime Status Blagger, I'm thinking differently.  Sure, I like to dream big, but I also have realistic expectations after years of gift-giving occasions coming up with new clothes that don't fit.  (Note:  A couple years ago, I did get a very nice sweater for Christmas, and I do in fact still wear it...so that's not included in the previous sentence.)  Ask me about the Infamous Answering Machine Message prior to my birthday one year.  Side note: my parents are laughing right now. 

This year is no exception.  I'm entirely certain that I'm not going to get what I really want for Christmas, entirely because I quite honestly have no idea what it is that I really want for Christmas.  Makes shopping a little more difficult, I'll concede...but the mind wants what the mind wants.  Or doesn't want...or doesn't know what it wants...or something.  You know what I mean.  So this week is entirely devoted to the things people won't be buying me....and probably shouldn't.  

Today's topic, straight from the mouth of Lucy van Pelt, Real Estate.  Everyone knows that this was Lucy's answer to Charlie Brown asking what it was She Really Wanted For Christmas, and it's become basically my first answer to people when they ask what they should buy me.  That said, real estate is generally pretty expensive, even with mortgage interest rates what they are these days.  I also already have a house and pay enough in real estate taxes already that I don't actually need more real estate.  It just makes for a great joke and a perfect dodge for when I really can't tell somebody what the perfect gift is for their favorite Jeremy. 

Incidentally...you may have noticed over the last month or so that Jeremy basically doesn't work Friday's anymore.  This is due to a lack of proper planning of vacation days, so he just doesn't need to show up.  As such, this will likely be an unprecedented 4-day Theme Week leading up to the holidays.  Exciting! 

I Also Don't Know Where Bubble Gum Fits Into This

We’ve been doing it backwards!  You should give people your name so at least they know why they’re getting their butt kicked

Or at least who it is who's doing the kicking.

Well, I'm going with the assumption that it's deserved.  Anyway, today's Sametime Status deals with the timeless expression "Kick butt and take names."  There are variations, but this is a family Blag.  This phrase is nonsense.  Let's examine.

First of all, it stands to reason that you really should have somebody's name before kicking their butt.  If we start off with the premise that a good butt-kicking is in order for somebody, and you're going to take on this task yourself, you should make sure that you're kicking the butt of the correct person.  Presumably, this person has wronged you in some way, so in order to get the appropriate compensation, you need to verify the butt prior to kicking.  See, if you go around just randomly kicking people's butts, you not only look like a jerk, but you'll probably get arrested.  So once you have the butt's identity confirmed, then and only then is it time to start kicking.  So it stands to reason that you have no need to take names after kicking butt, because you really should have the name in the first place. 

Next, comes the central premise of today's Status.  If this person has no idea who you are, they can't possibly piece together why it is that you're kicking their butt.  If the person works in some form of customer service, they can probably make an educated guess, or if it's Nicolas Cage, he can pretty much narrow it down to his film-making career, but failing that, it's just too much of a crapshoot.  We've all done things in our lives worthy of a butt-kicking, but unless somebody offers an explanation, you really can't be sure, and the message is lost.  If you introduce yourself, it's safe to assume the person then knows not only who you are, but what they did that required a butt kicking. 

So, to summarize.  In order to achieve maximum results, you should not "kick butt and take names," but rather, "Kick butt and give name."  It just makes more sense. 

A Whole Cruiseship Full Of Facepalms

So wait…this whole “Titanic” thing was real? 


Uhm...yes.  You know all those movies about the Civil War?  Well, that was a real thing, too.  


This week marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic, the largest and most luxurious cruise ship of its time.  I say "of its time" because luxury liners have come a long way since then, and the newest ones, such as Royal Caribbean's "Oasis Of The Seas" positively dwarfs the Titanic by all measures.  "OOTS" measures about 300 feet longer, 90 feet wider and 9 stories taller than Titanic did on her maiden (read: only) voyage.  More On That Here. 


Size of the ship is only important in relation to the size of James Cameron's ego, as his 1997 smash hit "My Heart Will Go On"....I mean..."Titanic" obliterated box office records becoming the first film to gross over 1 Billion dollars in theaters.  It would hold the record until James Cameron topped himself with "Avatar," a movie also about really large things, but in this case, really large blue people.  I digress.  



Here's a fun fact: Jeremy was once mistaken for James Cameron in a casino by a guy who had been awake and drinking at a poker table for what appeared to be far too long.  True story. 




Anyway, the film left a lasting impression on many people and led to some (unintentionally?) whimsical headlines Like This One. So much so, in fact, that far too many people took this film to be purely a work of fiction and not a fictional story set within the realm of an actual historical tragedy.  Yes, folks...some people think James Cameron made up this whole "Titanic" thing just to pad the box office receipts.  One of my most famous quotes (That people misquote me on ALL THE TIME, but they get the general idea, so I guess it's okay) is as follows: "Given the slightest opportunity, people will amaze you with their stupidity."  Well, the Internets are a glorious opportunity for people to show off how dumb and uninformed they are.  Fortunately for the rest of us, there are websites that take advantage of this to amuse and entertain.  So, direct from Failblog, I give you:  These People Had No Idea Titanic Was A Real Ship. 

Here comes the bus

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." - Robert Bloch


That's pretty clever. Also remarkably true.


It also helps explain why I'm around a lot of smiley people all the time.