This Post May Save Your Life

On the table: Box of donuts = OK!  Plate with a single cookie = NOT OK!  

Good advice, Jeremy.  How was the cookie?

I did not eat the cookie.  Truth be told, I don't even know what happened to it, as it was gone later in the day.  Here's the story:

So, I may have mentioned recently that I moved to a new office at work, and that my new location sucks right out loud.  It does have at least a couple perks, though.  It's right around the corner from the office basketball room.  I'll explain.  In my company's desperate efforts to behave as a younger, hipper, edgier company to work for, they have adopted some minor changes to add youth and whimsy to the workplace.  We have "lounges" with bean bag chairs around whiteboard-coated tables.  We have scrabble and chess boards mounted to walls in the hallways, so you can make a move as you walk by and pass the play on to the next random person who decides to have a go.  We have a former conference room which has a handful of Legos inside to play with (you're supposed to build things to stimulate your creativity).  And we have a former conference room which has a Nerf basketball hoop mounted to two of the walls, with a couple baskets with about 4 dozen Nerf basketballs inside.  You're supposed to...well...play Nerf basketball during work hours or something I guess.  Whatever...I just write stupid crap in a Blag during my break.  

Key words there being "stupid" and "crap."  

One of the advantages of the little lounges (even though I have yet to see anyone sitting in the bean bags) is that they provide a convenient location to distribute excess goodies.  Occasionally, a manager or supplier will bring in a box of donuts or a plate of cookies or something to entertain people during a meeting, and to prove that they are the best manager or supplier to work with.  It's somewhat shameless, but I'm not about to let a perfectly good meeting donut go to waste over some supplier technical issue.  (It's also very much not against company policy, so no problems there)  If there are donuts left over at the end of the meeting, the box can be placed on the table near the offices, so anyone who wants a donut can pick one up as they walk by.  It's a system that works quite well, since everyone knows that the donuts won't last long, so they're reasonably fresh and tasty.  Plus, if the donuts had been there the previous day, we would have seen them.  Box of donuts on the table are fair game and not a gamble.  

On the other hand, when you walk in first thing in the morning and you see a paper plate with a single cookie on the table, suspicions should arise.  Was this part of a larger number of cookies at some point?  Who brought them in, and why?  Is this just somebody's lunch from the previous day and they forgot they set down their dessert?  Would that make it stealing to take the cookie?  Is the cookie even fresh, or has is been sitting out all night?  This cookie is terrifying, and nobody will ever take it.  Until, you know...the cleaning crew takes the cookie and throws it right the heck out.  I'm assuming and probably hoping that's what happened to it.  

Didn't Want To Waste It

Pro Tip: Never sneeze with a mouth full of mouthwash  

On a completely unrelated note, Jeremy gets to paint his bathroom now.  

Well, no...but I can at least fill everybody in on this helpful Pro Tip.   

So, you see all those commercials on TV about people who "suffer from seasonal allergies."  Well, one of those people is me.  This time of year is at least fairly miserable from that point of view, even though it's delightful for other reasons (mostly the lack of snow).  Anyway, when the grass starts to grow, and the dust gets kicked up in the air, and the pollen really starts....uhmm...pollening, my life becomes all about sneezing, itchy eyes, and generic Loratadine pills.  (At least partially because the brand name maker of Loratadine isn't a sponsor...hint hint)

I'm also one of those  people that brushes my teeth from time to time.  

When I do, I usually cap off the experience with a mildly vigorous swish of mouthwash...also the generic version of a popular brand who is not a sponsor.  Up until now, it's somehow never been an issue what happens when these two aspects of my life get combined.  Well, that all changed recently.

So, there I am in my bathroom, taking my standard swig of mouthwash and going about my standard mouth washing routine when I feel that little tickle in my nose that tells me that a sneeze in imminent.  You know the thing I'm talking about.  Well, there was really nothing to be done at this point, but try to swish more vigorously than usual and hope to get that all wrapped up before the sneeze clock runs out.  Alas...it was not to be.  

So, there I am with a mouth full of knock-off Listerine, trying to stave off a sneeze through every means at my disposal, holding a finger under my nose, squeezing my eyes shut, the sheer force of will.  The irresistible force was not to be denied, however, so, thinking about as quickly as I can that early in the morning, I lowered my face to the sink just as the sneeze violently expelled the minty goodness from my mouth...and nose.  

The bad news, of course, was that menthol and alcohol were ubiquitous in my head now as I stood over the sink choking and gasping.  The good news is that the whole world smelled minty fresh! 

I Like My Car. Otherwise, I Would Have Taken His Door Off

Pro Tip: Upon realizing, after the fact, that you can’t see out of your frost-covered windshield, the middle of the road is the perfect place to stop and scrape 

Wow, that's helpful.  I can't imagine how much time I would have wasted pulling into a parking lot or driveway or something.  

Winter sucks. 

It's not only cold and snowy, but it makes people do stupid things.  Like This Guy who drives around with snow on the roof of his car because he can't be bothered to brush it off.  Sure, it's more convenient for you, and nuts to the people behind you who have to see through your portable snow storm and possible avalanche into the middle of the road.  

People also don't bother making sure they can see out of their windshield before they start driving to their destination because hey...they're very important people with very important things that demand their attention.  They don't have time for silly things like visibility.  So you get a couple different variations.  You get the "spray washer fluid on the window and hope for the best" approach, the "scrape a 4 inch hole in your direct line of sight" approach, and the "the defroster will get there eventually" blooming flower of melted ice.  These are all stupid, and I hate you for doing them.  

Well, for those of you who realize a little too late that you are "that guy" and you actually can't see out of your windshield after you've set forth on your journey, they do make ice scrapers.  And no, there's no need to pull over to the side of the road once you realize your mistake.  You don't need to turn off into a driveway or in any way remove your car from the proper right-of-way.  You can just stop your car directly in the middle of the road, pop the door open, and start scraping away. 

At least that's what I gathered from the idiot on my way to work this morning.