September Ended Some Time Ago

I got to sleep in today because I can’t tell time!  


Well, I suppose that's one way to go about it.  Probably explains why you were late to work.  


I was in the office at precisely the usual time.  Maybe even a little early, since I beat that one school bus.

So, here's a little insight into how things go in Jeremy-Land. 

During the winter, the house tends to be pretty cold at night.  This is ostensibly to help the environment by lessening my use of fossil fuels, but it's also because it's cheaper.  I also own several blankets which do a terrific job of keeping me warm at night, and it would be a shame to waste their effectiveness.  I also enjoy wrapping myself up in a those blankets to make a little Jeremy Burrito at night, which would be too hot if the ambient temperature weren't on the low side.  Bottom line, cold house, warm blankets. 

That is, until about 20 minutes before my alarm goes off.

See, my programmable thermostat warms up the house during the time between my standard wake-up call and the time when I have to leave for work.  It's also smart enough to know that it takes around 20 minutes to heat the house, so it starts the ramp-up process a little early so that the correct temperature is achieved at the correct time.  It's pretty smart that way.

However, a side effect of that is that the temperature in the house is gradually increasing during that time to the point where the little Jeremy Burrito notices and becomes too warm, occasionally waking me up in that 20-minute window in between when the temperature starts increasing and when the alarm goes off.  It's a fact of life that I have to deal with in the winter months when the heat is on.  Not a big deal, usually.  If I find myself in this situation, I look at the clock, notice the time and make some snap decisions.

I believe I've noted on this Blag that despite my considerable genius, my brain may not be running at its full potential first thing in the morning. 

Regardless, if it's early in the temperature ramp process, and I still have around 20 minutes to go before the alarm, I just roll over and go back to sleep, effectively hitting the snooze button (which I otherwise never do on principle) until it's actually time to get up.  Failing that, if there's closer to 5 minutes left before alarm, there's not much snooze time left, and it will already be warm, so I'll just grab my phone and start reading through Email/Facebook/Twitter/Internets or whathaveyou to get a jump start on my day.  Then, once the alarm starts, I get out of bed and do the whole "getting up" thing. 

That's normal. 

Not long ago, I woke up in the morning, looked at the clock and noticed the time.  I figured that I had 5 minutes left until the alarm, so I grabbed the phone and started scrolling through notifications and such.  I went through this process for a little while before I realized that I was getting through more internets than I usually do in my 5 allotted minutes, and I was still cold, so I took another quick glance up at the clock (despite the fact that I was holding my phone which has any number of clocks on it).  It told me that I still had a full 28 minutes left before alarm time. 

So, apparently, my first viewing of the clock actually told me that I had 35 minutes of sleep time left, so I totally jumped the gun on the whole phone bit.  I still had a solid half hour to sleep in. 

It's Complicated, OK?

I need a new fake email address so I can buy shoes  

It's very important for shoes to be wi-fi enabled these days, you know.  But, that leaves them vulnerable to hacking.  

Wait what?  

Anyway...I need some new shoes.  I have too many shoes already, and I accept this truth, but sometimes, shoes reach the end of their usable lifetimes and need to be replaced.  That's in the process of happening with one of the pairs of shoes that I have.  It's time to swap them out.  

Now, it's true that somewhere north of 83% of the clothing I own has come from one store, but I was at that store yesterday, and they didn't have anything quite like the shoes I was looking for, so I have to move on.  The next store on my list of potential shoe-buying destinations is a large chain of shoe stores which claims to be a warehouse of sorts which carries many lines of shoes made by designers.  For strictly Blag purposes, we'll call them CRV Shoe Store.  There's a CRV franchise near my house, so I can stop by just about any time I want, and they tend to have a pretty extensive selection to choose from, so maybe I'll be able to sort things out.  

Here's the problem.  I hate going there.  

It's not that the store itself is bad, or that I've never found anything there.  They insist on signing me up for their email distribution before they let me buy shoes.  It's pretty pervasive, actually.  Not even a "did you find what you were looking for?" or "lovely day, isn't it?", the first thing you get from the cashier is "what's your email address?"  You don't get the option of joining the email list...just the assumption that since you're buying a pair of shoes, that you need shoes emailed to you at some regular (probably short) interval.  In the three of four times I've bought something from this store over the years, I've managed to avoid giving them my email address by stating (at least twice at every occasion) that I'm sure I don't want to sign up for their emails.  

I think I might be better served by giving them a fake email address.  

I used to use a certain fake email address whenever I needed to sign up for an email distribution list online that I didn't want to join.  That email address was " J@Here.net"  and it was very effective for software that only looks for an '@' and a '.' when deciding if an email address is valid or not.  Incidentally, if you have the email address "J@Here.net" I apologize for the non-stop barrage of spam emails that you get all the time.  Most of those are probably my fault.  

The problem with that address, of course, is that a human cashier will probably recognize pretty quickly that they were just given a fake email address.  At that point, they will know not only that I'm a liar, but that I could have saved us all a lot of time by simply stating that I didn't want to give them my email address and yes I'm sure I don't want to sign up for their great sales emails.  Yes, I'm sure.  

The solution here is pretty clear.  I need a new email address.  One that I won't actually be embarrassed to say out loud (I know a guy whose email address that I am totally not making up is "badvettdude"), and that I can remember easily, and is 100% not associated with me in any way.  That way, we can all be happy, I can have my shoes, I can stick it to The Man, and I'll never have to delete an email from CRV Shoe Store about a sale on more shoes that I still have too many of in the first place. 

It Was Early, Okay?

It’s remarkably difficult to find your ID badge when you’re holding your ID badge  

Those things are always in the last place you look.  

Very true...and when you've fooled yourself into not looking there, it turns into a problem.  

So, like many companies nowadays, to get into the building where I work, you need to scan a digital ID badge to unlock the door.  It's not a big deal, and it keeps things secure, so I'm okay with it.  I tend to keep my ID badge locked safely in the car so that it's always there for me when I get to work.  I take it out along with my laptop bag and I'm ready to start my workday.  See, if you forget your badge at home, you have to go to the security office, hope somebody is working there that day, show them your regular ID, get a temporary sticker badge that says you're allowed to go to work today, then stand by the door waiting for somebody to open it for you.  It's embarrassing, and people tend to make fun of your "badge of shame" throughout the day to add to the embarrassment.  It's the way things are.  

Not long ago, I had to run some errands after work, and in all of this fuss, I neglected to take my badge off and tuck it safely into the car.  So here I am, walking around a local store which carries supplies for your bedroom, bathroom, and perhaps other rooms of your house wearing my ID badge, my smiling face and company ID number looking back at everyone walking by.  I immediately became self-conscious about it and pulled off the lanyard to tuck it into the pocket of my jacket and saying to myself, "okay, self...remember to take it out of your pocket when you get back to the car."  I made two other stops on my journey that day, and after each one, to nobody's surprise whatsoever, I reminded myself that my badge was still in my pocket and not in the car.  I had to give myself at least three reminders to put my badge in the car.  

At some point, I did...and it was not memorable.  

Fast forward to today (which probably tells you all you need to know about when these errand adventures happened, but that's beside the point entirely), and here I am in the parking lot at work, getting ready to go into the office.  I grab my badge out of the car, retrieve my breakfast apple from the car's cup holder, pick the laptop bag off of the passenger's seat, and decide that I need to check my phone...I guess it beeped or something.  Badge and apple in one hand, I pull out my phone and scroll through phone stuff to my satisfaction, so now it's time to go inside.  

Badge and apple in one hand, I remember that the previous night, I had told myself to take my badge out of my jacket and put it in the car, ergo my badge must be in some unusual place.  Badge and apple in one hand, I search my jacket pocket for my badge to no avail.  Badge and apple in one hand, I search my car's storage location for my badge to no avail.  Badge and apple in one hand, I begin to wonder where I ended up putting my badge the previous night, pondering if I left it at home on the ledge where I tend to keep my keys and other gubbins.  Badge and apple in one hand, I begin to think about going over to the security office to collect my badge of shame so I can get into work.  Badge and apple in one hand, I set my laptop bag back down into the passenger seat.  Badge and apple in one hand, I start to put the apple back into the car's cup holder and notice that I have had my badge in my hand throughout this entire episode.  I decide I'm an idiot, collect the rest of my belongings and make my way inside. 

Samba or Mambo?

What’s a Menuto Suit?  

Probably something very colorful and suited to an 80's boy band from Puerto Rico?

  

Well, that would be a Menudo Suit, wouldn't it?  

Yes...why, what were you looking for?

So, I have had this issue with a sign in a local restaurant for a couple months now.  I know exactly what it's supposed to be saying, but as you are well aware, my mind isn't usually prone to reinterpretation once I have it made up.  I've decided that a Menuto Suit is a thing I'm not aware of, so I must figure it out.  

In this restaurant, to which I am a frequent visitor since it's close to work, has a sign behind the counter advertising their catering service.  Personally, I've never used this service, but I know people who have, and it's delicious.  They specialize in barbecue foods like pulled pork, ribs, briskets, and other such things that are making me hungry right now.  They offer to bring their wares to your party for you, cutting down on work and cooking that you have to do...you know...the exact thing that a catering service does that I really didn't need to describe here.  

Either way, the sign is hand-written on a white board by a person whose handwriting is only slightly better than my own.  (My own is miserable, hence all the typing on a Blag here)  The sign promises that they have "A Menuto Suit Everyone."  The actual message is obvious, but it's written so poorly and with such awful kerning (is kerning a thing in handwriting, and not just typefacing?) that I can't help but think of Menuto Suits.  And 80's Puerto Rican singing groups...which is never a good place to go.  

Please make a new sign.