You Can Look It Up If You Want To

A national doughnut chain is closing 100 stores, and blaming Bird Flu  

It's a little sad that Jeremy has to take up your Friday with another grim message about the dangers of this terrible, terrible disease, but it has to be done.  We must remain vigilant and informed at all times.  

Indeed, it's a dark day for our nation's doughnut and coffee consumers, as well as for Bird Flu activists such as myself.  A large national doughnut chain who is not (so far) a sponsor of the Blag here, and therefore will not be named, announced a large restructuring operation which will involve the closure of 100 stores in the United States by the end of next year.  

The cause?  

Overexpansion into saturated markets.  Also, menu rot.  Also, wariness about upcoming minimum wage hikes.  

Buried far down in their list of excuses, conspicuously hidden from public view, an increase in commodity prices, especially the well-publicized increase in egg prices due to Avian Flu.  

So now, not only are we all doomed to die of Bird Flu, but many more of us won't even be able to enjoy a last doughnut before we go.  This is remarkably upsetting.  

Now Do You Believe Me?

Bird Flu has now caused an egg shortage, and nobody’s panicking yet?  

They probably should be panicking now, actually.  But, is it the top story on the news every night?  

I actually don't know, since I don't watch the news.  But, it's probably pretty safe to say that the lamestream media is once again keeping mum on the Worst Bird Flu Epidemic In American History, which is going on as we speak.  

You all know that I'm a noted Bird Flu activist, helping to spread awareness of this potentially globe-altering disease.  Bird Flu is extremely fatal in human cases, with a mortality rate still near 60% among those who have contracted it.  But, people aren't concerned because, hey...we're not birds.  So, it gets swept under the rug.  

It is part of my mission here to change all of that and make sure people are talking and learning about Bird Flu, and what can be done about it.  (Really, nothing...we're doomed, but that's beside the point entirely)  So, here's your education for the day:

There is currently the worst outbreak of Bird Flu in history going on in America right now.  American poultry farms have already culled over 33 million birds, somewhere around 10% of their stock, with many more sure to follow.  Included in this total is over 40% of the egg-laying birds in Iowa, which is America's #1 egg producing state.  This is a bad thing.  The availability of eggs is now questionable, and large corporations are using their political and economic influence to hoard as many eggs as they can get, leaving regular customers at at least one supermarket chain in Texas with buying restrictions.  That's right...regular folks like you and me are being told how many eggs they can buy so McDonald's can keep making Egg McMuffins.  

The cost is also spiraling out of control.  As of this writing, the cost of a dozen eggs at your local grocer has gone up almost 50% from this time last year, with no sign of slowing down.   Shares of the Cal-Maine Foods Corporation stock have rising over 40% this year alone.  What do they do, you ask?  They sell eggs under the label "Eggland's Best."  At least somebody's profiting from Bird Flu.    

Craziness, I Tell You!

What’s this green stuff under my yard?

Well, it's about time you showed up here again, slacker.  

Yeah, well, disease will do that to you.  

Bird Flu happens, I guess.  Can I have your stuff?

 I've been sick for a few days, and I'm actually starting to feel somewhat productive again.  So combine that with all the work I haven't gotten done recently, and things are a little backlogged.  

So, imagine my surprise when Mother Nature flipped some switch and winter instantly turned into spring.  Last week, I'm having flight cancellations due to a giant snow storm, and like 2 days later, it's 60 degrees and springtime sunny outside.  Crazy, I know!  

Even crazier, my yard is starting to disappear, and I'm all perplexed.  See, I've had this thick white yard for about as long as I can remember, and I still have an amount of snow that would still be measured in feet, although the metric folks would have converted to centimeters a little while ago.  However, there are some isolated areas near shoveled places where the snow is starting to recede, leaving behind this strange green leafy stuff underneath.  I can't imagine what this substance is, or what I'm going to do if more of it starts invading my lovely snow lawn.  Help!!!