I Refuse To Put The Store On Notice, Though

I’ll never again know if my sandwich has tomatoes or not.  The world is chaos  

It's always a safe bet to assume that your sandwich has tomatoes.  If it turns out there are no tomatoes, you're really not out all that much.  

My issue here lies not in the presence (or lack thereof) of tomatoes, it's with trustworthiness.  See, I like tomatoes.  I've eaten many tomatoes in my lifetime, and will certainly eat many more, on sandwiches or otherwise.  But when I'm told there are tomatoes, and then told that there are not, and I find tomatoes...I just don't know who or what to believe anymore.  Perhaps I should explain.   

So not long ago, I stopped off at a grocery store/farm market place in the Greater Jeremy Area.  I won't say the name here, since I happen to very much like this store and intend to return there frequently, so I'm going to actively avoid badmouthing them too much.  For strictly Blag Purposes, we'll call them, "Eve's Reasonablehectare Farm Market."  Anyway, I stopped in briefly to pick up a sandwich and a snack for dinner, since time was in short supply that day and I was in the neighborhood.  In the deli area, I managed to secure a small container of marinated mozzarella balls (which were amazing, BTW), and a ham wrap sandwich.  For the record, I don't want to get into YET ANOTHER debate as to whether or not wraps are sandwiches and vice versa.  I'm calling it a sandwich, so just suck up and deal. 

Anyway, later on, as I happened to look at the container in which my sandwich came, the ingredients clearly stated that the sandwich not only came with tomatoes, but on a hard roll.  Now, argue all you want about wraps being sandwiches, but the actual wrap part is clearly not the same as a hard roll.  I'm already being lied to by my sandwich.  What's also important to note here is that the ingredients list included tomatoes.  On the side of the container was a yellow sticker which proclaimed in large red letters "NO TOMATOES."  

What's going on here?  

There's a discontinuity in my sandwich labeling.  The ingredients label says tomatoes, but the sticker next to it says none.  Do stickers supersede labels?  Was there a misprint on the label or the sticker?  I'm already at odds with the label, so maybe at least I can have a little faith in the sticker?  Only one way to find out!  I bite into the sandwich, and get a big, juicy bite of tomato.  I just don't know which end is up anymore.  All I ask is for a little sanity in my sandwich, and I can't even get that.  Chaos, I tell you.  Pure chaos! 

Hope You're Sitting Down

So wait…Hello Kitty is not a cat?  The world is upside down!

I don't even know how to process this news.  Jeremy will probably end up in the fetal position crying before the day is over.  

It's true.  The iconic cartoon star Hello Kitty is not, in fact a cat.  

This truth came out recently in an LA Times Article about the star's 40th birthday.  That's another thing that should take you by surprise.  Hello Kitty turns 40 this year.  Hello Kitty is, in fact, a little girl who HAS a pet cat named Charmmy Kitty and also has an unhealthy obsession with apples.  Her official bio page lists her height and weight in terms of apples, in addition to apple pie being her favorite food.  

You may also be shocked to learn that Hello Kitty is British.  Sanrio, the company that licenses all of her stuff is certainly Japanese, but the character herself (named Kitty White...not even "Hello Kitty") is from London.  

My mind is just thoroughly blown right now.  I need to go lay down.

Theme Week, Part V

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Little-Known Batman Facts Week!   

Batman’s utility belt contains a ring made of Kryptonite to be used against Superman

Batman and Superman crossover!  Everyone loves it!  

If you take out the part where nobody actually cares about Superman, sure.  Max Landis does a better job than I'm about to of explaining why Superman is completely irrelevant in modern comic book times.  He has the same basic set of super powers that multiple other superheroes have, but he had them first, so he was original.  Once superheroes evolved, super strength and the ability to fly weren't especially noteworthy, so Superman became, in a superhero sense, boring.  If you have 15 minutes to kill, and a tolerance for some naughty language, Watch This Video called "The Death and Return of Superman" for a remarkably entertaining summary of this as well as Superman's legacy of having killed death in comics. 

Bottom line, of course, is that Superman really has only one known vulnerability (I mean...I guess....I never read the comics), and everyone knows that it's Kryptonite.  The radioactive remains of his former planet, Krypton, having fallen to earth along with his spaceship, are the only substance to be able to weaken and potentially destroy Superman.  It's normally green, but apparently comes in many colors, depending on your decorating needs.  

In June of 1990, Action Comics published a crossover comic featuring both Batman and Superman.  We established earlier that Gotham City and Metropolis were in very close proximity (which then makes you wonder why all the criminals stay there, when two of the most prominent superheroes have roots this close...but I digress), so it's not entirely unfathomable that Batman and Superman know each other.  I have no idea if Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne know each other, or any other combination thereof...it's not germane to my story here.  Superman decides that Batman is an okay guy, and someone that he can trust with the ability to destroy him should he ever run amok.  Superman gives Batman a ring made of Kryptonite in a lead case, which Batman then keeps on his person whenever he's in a comic book with Superman.  Batman now has the ability to save the day by pulling out a handy piece of kryptonite and going to town on Superman.  

Of course, should Batman ever go bat-crap, Superman's in trouble.  

Thus concludes this portion of Theme Week.  Come back on monday when Jeremy Is In The Theatre will present a rare and special gift...a spoiler-free film review of "The Dark Knight Rises."  Jeremy has to get to the theater soon...his screening starts in 4 hours. 

It's A Really Long Time

If it kills germs on contact, why do I have to rinse for 60 seconds?

 Because that's what the instructions say you need to do.  Don't question antiseptic authority!  


So how do I maintain good dental hygiene without selling out to The Man?  It really seems hypocritical of them to tell me that something works on contact if I have to use it for more than one second.  Maybe they're assuming I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to swish something around my mouth so it contacts all surfaces.  But that's the problem...I'm not an idiot, and I actually have awareness of my surroundings as well as my mouth.  I believe I'm fully capable of determining when antiseptic has come into contact with all of my teeth and gums.  I believe I'm fully capable of determining when to spit the stuff out rather than relying on some arbitrarily defined time that's printed on the bottle.  The alternative is just scary...where they've lied to us and it actually takes antiseptic 60 seconds to kill germs and those of us who don't rigidly adhere to that time have effectively been doing nothing this whole time.  Which is it, antiseptic company?! 

I Can Hypothesize, Too

The “Proof Of Purchase” is on stuff before I buy it  

Well, when else did you expect them to put it on?  

I find it hard to believe that this doesn't bother anyone besides me.  I believe the word "Proof" is overused, much in the same way people grossly misuse the word "Literally."  So when somebody prints a "Proof of Purchase" on a package that's still in the store, it's not proof of anything other than the fact that somebody can print a barcode on stuff.  

Sometimes, I feel like going through the store and cutting off all the proofs of purchase, just so the people who actually end up buying it would be screwed.  I can get all their stuff because, hey....I can prove that I purchased it.