We're Better Off, Even If It Takes A Whole Week

Now that they’re not busy, maybe we should put the College of Cardinals in charge of fixing the Sequester

So for those unawares, the College of Cardinals selected a new Pope yesterday.  It was an impressively short conclave this time around, lasting only 2 days.  At one point, starting in the year 1268, a conclave lasted for 27 months before the Cardinals elected a Pope.  

If you're also unaware, and that means you haven't been reading the Blag here, the US Congress is completely incompetent, having gone so far as to underestimate their own incompetence and have screwed around with this Sequester nonsense for well over a year and have made roughly zero progress.  

The answer is simple.  Put people who know how to get things done in charge of the stuff that needs to get done, and throw the others out on their ears.  The College of Cardinals has shown that they know how to accomplish something when they (quite literally) lock themselves in a room and make up their minds to do so.  While I may also suggest locking congress up in a room until they come up with a real budget idea to get rid of the Sequester, I'm much more in favor of scrapping all of those idiots and turning over the accomplishing-stuff reins to a new group.  Now, I'm sure some people will object to the Cardinals running the government (religious persecution and all of that), but it's only for a short time.  If absolutely nothing else, I'm entirely sure they can shame the standard elected officials into doing something right for a change.  

Taking Back The Vatican!

Vote Jeremy for Pope!  

Jeremy's off in his own little conclave for the day.  This should be interesting.  

So the big news of the day is that Pope Benedict XVI has decided to resign from the papacy at the end of the month, mere days after I got used to saying "Pope Benedict" instead of "Pope John Paul." While not an unprecedented event, the last time a Pope resigned was 598 years ago. 

This leaves the world with a hole in its spiritual center, which can only be filled by one person...a new Pope.  The standard convention for selecting the leader of the Catholic Church involves locked doors, secret ballots, smoke signals, and Dan Brown books.  Since this event will only happen a handful of times in my lifetime, I may as well throw my hat into the ring.  Vote Jeremy for Pope!  

I'm a decent guy.  I'm baptized and went to Sunday School and everything.  Sure, I'm not an ordained Priest, Bishop, Archbishop, or Cardinal or anything, but those are mere titles which detract from the true essence of a person.  I'm also sure that I have a platform of ideas with which to improve the church, and they are entirely different from the other guy's ideas.  His ideas are going to lead to the ruination of the faith!  

You don't even know who else will even be considered, let alone what their contributions to the church have been.  

Doesn't stop people in any other election around here.   

Like a bad Kirk Cameron movie

Yep. I got left behind, too


...Like an underprivileged kid at a public school.


That's a little harsh, don't you think? Last weekend's Rapture prediction was very important to some people. Public schools are a bit of a touchy subject for many others.

Anyway...so this past Saturday was the day that Harold Camping decided would be the beginning of the Apocalypse based on some remarkably stretchy assumptions and some bizarre math just to make the date look about right.


It also marked the end of an entire week of bad R.E.M. and Blondie jokes.


To the surprise of roughly nobody, Mr. Camping's prediction didn't come to fruition...though I have some theories.


Why couldn't Sarah Palin be Raptured?


Some things, the world just wasn't meant to know.

Anyway...so the prediction was that about 3% of the world's population was going to be "saved" which amounts to roughly 200 million people. That's a lot, and while many agree that there was no Rapture, I would argue that most people in the world wouldn't notice if 3% of the people that they knew disappeared. At least for a week or so.

Furthering that, if most or all of the people that were Raptured were in specific pockets that most others didn't pay much attention to, it stands to reason that it could happen right under our noses. Take for example, the tale of the Lost Colony of Roanoke. Years after the entire population of the Colony had vanished, John White finally realized it. Can we honestly say that some remote colony of people has vanished over the weekend simply because we can't think of anyone who's disappeared?

Another important point to consider...


Your use of the word "Important" is troubling...


...is the argument over what is considered sinful enough to justify being Left Behind. I submit to you, that it's possible that the use of electricity is a sin and that everybody with access to electricity, computers, TV's, Internets, and radios had been judged guilty, and people like Mennonites and those in third-world countries were the ones to be Saved...but the rest of us who rely on the electronic media to tell us these things wouldn't even be aware.

Regardless of the Why, I was left behind...doomed to endure 5 months of fire and scorpions, which sucks. But, I did join the Facebook group "Post-Rapture Looting" (I'm not making that up) so there's that. Also, my neighbors do have tents set up in the back yard like they're camping out, and I have no idea what that's about. So, the signs are there...maybe this is the end of the world after all. We'll see in October, I guess.

That's where I keep all my stuff

I like the world. Too bad it will end in another month


Uhm...end of the world again? I thought that was supposed to be last year...you know...at the start of WWIII.


Well, clearly that didn't happen, so we've all moved on to the next half-baked TEOTWAWKI theory. (That's "The End Of The World As We Know It" for those who aren't as versed)

Now, we're looking at May 21, 2011 as the date for the Rapture. So realistically, we have 5 months of torment after that, but it's probably best for you to get all of your affairs in order in the next month, just to be safe. Apparently, on October 21st, precisely 7000 years after the flood that made Noah the subject of a Bill Cosby comedy routine, God will destroy the world with fire. This is both good and bad. It's good to know when it's going to happen, so you can make arrangements, but it's pretty unfortunate to know that if you're still on the Earth after next month's Rapture, that you're doomed to be burned to death. I haven't gotten my Machine Of Death Prediction Card yet, but I'm working on it. I really should get it in the next couple weeks to see if I'm going to be Raptured or Burned. Those appear to be the two primary options right now.

So, to those of you who will be leaving us on May 21, have a safe journey, and for the rest of you heathens, enjoy your scorpions, and we'll see you in October!

What if he's full of it?

As it turns out, "Papal Bull" isn't what you think it is


It's not a formal decree from the Vatican?


Uhmm....in that case, it's exactly what you think it is. So uhh...what else have you got?


Well, I was thinking of coining a new phrase today. I'd like people to start using the phrase "Jeremy Bull" which also means exactly what you think it does. It will refer to just about anything you post on the Blag here...because it's bull.


I don't know about that.


I think it's golden. Trust me...it's gonna be a thing! "Jeremy Bull!" Tell your friends!

It's usually dark and sooty.

Funny...I don’t feel ashy.


You are pretty pale, actually...


So today is Ash Wednesday...the official start of Lent and a day that I have to remind myself that I'm not supposed to eat any meat. So far, my bagel and I have succeeded!