FINAL NOTICE!!!!

Attention every retailer ever:  Odds are good that I didn’t “forget” to take your email survey  


People are just trying to get a little feedback, Jeremy.  No need to get in a twist.


If all I got was a simple request for feedback, I would have no issue with it.  My problems are, as usual, deep-seeded and complicated.

So, not long ago I made a purchase online.  I do this from time to time, as do most people who frequent the internets.  Shortly after my product arrived, which to the supplier's credit, arrived on time and entirely intact, I received an email from that supplier asking me to take an online survey about my shopping experience.

I completely ignored it.  

To be fair, my shopping experience was entirely acceptable.  I just don't want to fill out online surveys about online shopping experiences.

Shortly thereafter, I received an email reminding me that my survey was waiting for me.  The expectation being that I had always wanted to take this online survey, and the only reason that I hadn't done so yet was that this important part of my life had accidentally slipped my mind, and I forgot to do it.  Therefore, I needed a reminder.

About a week later, I got a second reminder (which said "Second Reminder" in the email subject) about my anxiously waiting online survey.  I still have no intention of ever filling out this annoying online survey about my shopping experience, although my shopping experience is now being worsened by the fact that I get annoying reminder emails to take an online survey because of it.

I am at least a little curious about what is included in the online survey now.  It's probably a biased survey which is skewed towards provide positive feedback anyway (ie: "How well would you say we provided _____" using the positive connotation "well" in the question itself), but I'll never know.

I would like to think that this is an isolated incident, but sadly, I know this is not the case.  This exact scenario happens to me rather frequently, and I'm well on my way to another one as I type this.  (Remember that rental car upgrade I stole last week?  Well, I got an online survey about my car renting experience...you can just guess if I'm going to fill that out)  I'm entirely certain I can look forward to more online surveys and emails "reminding" me to fill them out because I "forgot" to the last time they emailed me about it.  The smart money is on me "forgetting" again.  

I would be tempted to fill out their online surveys if I could send them my own online survey to provide their feedback on me as a customer.  Then I could send them annoying reminder emails to fill it out since they'll probably "forget" just like I did. 

They're Round, So Can't Be Boxes, Apparently

Interestingly enough, tins are made of plastic now  

I don't even know when tins stopped being made out of tin.  Is there a history lesson somewhere?

Locating the full manufacturing history of containers dubbed to be "tins" is left as an exercise for the reader.  

Cheap cop out, Jeremy.  I like it!  

Not long ago, I realized that I was running low on mints at work.  I keep them in my desk drawer for after lunch and times that my breath just generally needs to be mintier.  In fact, in the middle of typing that last sentence, I decided to be mintier, so I grabbed a mint.  I go through them fairly quickly, but I'm okay with that.  It makes me more pleasant to have a conversation with.  

At least physically.  Mentally, having a conversation with you is just as mind-numbing.  

Most normal people would go to a grocery store or to a large chain box store where they have large displays of candy and mints right next to the cash registers in order to buy mints.  They also tend to have a larger candy-themed aisle dedicated to this sort of thing.  I am not most people.  I buy my mints online from a large retailer which, for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call Nile.com.  

I do this for several reasons.  

Liar. 

I do this for one reason.  It's ludicrously cheaper.  The exact same container of mints that I can buy at the grocery store for around $2.75, I can buy a case of on Nile.com fora shade under $2 each.  Of course, they come in a box of 8 containers, so I'm buying in bulk for the savings, but I'm okay with that.  Want to know why?  Because they're mints!  They won't go bad.  They'll just sit in a box in my office desk until I need them, at which time, I pull out a new container, open it up, and I'm good to be minty fresh.  I can do this 8 times before I need to think about it again...and I've saved six bucks.  Twelve if you count the fact that I bought two of them, but that's not important right now.  

Regardless of all of this, I noticed that the box my new mints came in specifically says that it contains eight "1.5oz (42 g) TINS."  They actually call the containers of mints "Tins."  One would think that the tins are made of...you know...tin, or at the very least some form of metal.  I mean, people still use the name "tin foil" to describe aluminum foil (or Aluminium, for our European readers), and that's generally considered acceptable.  But in this case, my mints are housed in containers entirely made up of plastic.  There is no metal, tin or otherwise, involved in my mint containers.  I feel I've been lied to. 

Always The Last Place You Look

I spent more time looking for fuel for my torch than I plan to spend using my torch 

Jeremy is trying very hard to become a member of the Fantastic Four.  He's doing a pretty miserable job so far.

So, recently, it has become important for me to roast marshmallows.  It would take more time than it's worth to explain why it is I need to roast marshmallows, but suffice to say, it is a remarkably dumb, but fun, reason.  

This is all well and good until you realize that it is late January, and nobody really wants to sit outside to roast marshmallows, especially for a remarkably dumb reason.  A new solution is required!  

I determined through a careful study in which I said, "I could probably do it that way," that an effective and reasonably safe method for indoor marshmallow roasting would be to use a creme brulee torch.  All you have to do is impale the marshmallows on some bamboo skewers and pass the torch over the marshmallows until golden perfection.  I'm going to screw this up once or twice, but it's okay...I don't need that many marshmallows, and I have a whole bag.  Also, creme brulee torches are ostensibly fun to play with.  

So, off I go to a local store which sells items for your bedroom, your bathroom, and presumably other rooms of your house and procured myself a creme brulee torch.  Fortunately, I noticed on the box a note that said the torch runs on aerosol butane, which is not included.  Through the store I go searching for a compatible can of torch fuel.  

Nope.

Off I go to another general store which, for strictly Blag purposes, let's call "Bull's Eye."  They have candles and lighters and camping fuel...it stands to reason that they should carry butane cans.  

Nope.  

Not far from "Bull's Eye," there is a store which in theory sells holiday-themed foliage(though I've never once seen one there...true story).  They have a section of kitchen stuff in the back and a whole thing of candles and candle holders and lighters.  They also had the magnetic picture frame that I was looking for a month and a half ago that they didn't have...jerks.  Anyway....it stands to reason that they might also carry butane cans.  

Nope.  

I spent probably the better part of two hours going to and through four different stores (You'll be pleased to know that I did eventually find the stuff at a store which, for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "High's Home Improvement Store") searching for a stupid can of fuel for a stupid creme brulee torch that I'm going to use for a total of 5 stupid minutes to roast a handful of stupid marshmallows.  

I guess I'll have to learn how to make creme brulee.  

Transportation and Lodging Not Included

Online coupon for a Vanilla Ice concert?  Christmas shopping…DONE!

Awwwe....now nobody will know what to get you.  

I don't know what to get me either.  

It's that time of year again, kids!  Time for running all over creation (or the internet) to buy Christmas presents for all the people you know or care about.  Me?  I at least have to buy a plastic spider for a coworker because of a comment made during a meeting, but other than that, I'm still taking suggestions. 

Of course, if I accept suggestions from all of the Spam emails and internet advertisements that manage to slip through Ad Blocker, things could go off the rails pretty quickly.  

So, there's one big online shopping site that, for strictly Blag Purposes, we'll call "Nile.com".  They take their suggestions after stuff you've already looked at.  This is both smart and remarkably annoying.  It stands to reason that if I look at and buy movies on occasion, then I might be interested in other movies, particularly ones of the same genre.  It's annoying when I buy a copy of "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" on Blu Ray (since you can't stream it anymore, and it's a true classic of cinema), and Nile.com thinks I also want a copy of The Room, Troll 2, and Manos: The Hands of Fate.  I mean...I might want those movies for the same reasons that I wanted Birdemic, but I don't want anyone to know that.  Yes, I recently bought a camera strap, but doesn't it stand to reason that I will now be good on camera straps for a little while?  I really don't need another one, even if it comes recommended by a website.  Yes, I know I ordered a large box of breath mints once, but I really don't need to buy them on a subscription basis, even if I save 8 cents per container. 

Well, all of this nonsense changed recently.

For some reason, I apparently subscribed to a site that promotes coupons that come in groups.  I forget what the site is called.  They send me group-related coupons all the stinking time, and I rarely, if ever, even remotely want or need whatever it is they're selling (Looking at you, Botox discount).  I've also never used this site to buy gifts for anybody...holiday-related or otherwise.  They have recently solved all of my problems.  This year, for Christmas, everybody on my shopping list may want to expect tickets to the big Vanilla Ice / Salt-N-Pepa show.  They're half price, so I can sort out all of my Christmas shopping in one fell swoop, give everybody what they've always wanted, and save money all at once.  Wins all around!  Self...you are one crafty consumer.