Would I Believe An X-Wing?

If you really had the Millennium Falcon, you wouldn’t be driving a busted old Subaru

There's nothing wrong with driving a busted old Subaru.  Those cars are built to last.  

To be clear, I'm not casting aspersions on anybody's car, be it a busted old Subaru, a brand new Maserati, or a 6 year old Hyundai...

Guess which one is Jeremy's.

...but when I see a bumper sticker on my car that says "My Other Car Is The Millennium Falcon" I get confused.  Why would anybody choose to drive a car such as this if they had the Millennium Falcon at their disposal?   

Instead of being stuck at the same red light in mall traffic in front of a 6 year old Hyundai, you could be (quite literally) rising above it all and soaring away in your Class 0.5 Hyperdrive-equipped space freighter.  Leave the traffic (and quite frankly the whole planet) behind and explore the solar system, other worlds, discover new places, meet new species, try to break the 12-parsec record for the Kessel Run.  The entire galaxy is at your beck and call...so why in the name of all things good and plenty are you sitting here with me?  

I can imagine that you're not comfortable enough yet with the concepts and theories of Faster Than Light travel, celestial navigation is difficult, and maybe fuel for the Falcon is expensive, but you're also not going to solve any of those issues stuck in traffic.  

It actually seems more plausible that you really don't have the Millennium Falcon, and your bumper sticker is lying to me.  Having the Millennium Falcon on earth would mean that somebody brought it here from a distant galaxy (which, even given the extreme nature of illegally-modded hyperdrive would take centuries) and just left it here for you to buy.  It's also ridiculously old.  There is no definitive time frame for the Millennium Falcon (only that the events concerning the ship happened a "long time ago"), but estimates go up to almost 2.6 million years and are based on topics far too scientific to be healthy for somebody to have calculated.  Also, if somebody in the Greater Jeremy Area had the Millennium Falcon, (which does not have a cloaking device), it couldn't be hidden very well, and we would all know about it by now.  It would be on TV and all over the internets where the new owner of the Millennium Falcon was. 

I find it very unlikely that your other car really is the Millennium Falcon.  I therefore call Bunk on your bumper sticker. 

I Heart

I don’t know what I’m supposed to ask that person about.  The rest of their sticker was missing

I guess it's a blank page, then.  Ask about anything you'd like.  

That really does seem to be the only logical answer here.  

Everyone knows I'm not the world's biggest fan of bumper stickers.  Especially stupid ones.  (Like the one that says "I'm Only Speeding Because I Have To Poop.")  So I was a little dumbfounded by a bumper sticker I saw not long ago as I was driving along, minding my own business.  It said, and I'm quoting, "Ask Me About."  At one point, there was more to the sticker, but the part of it which told me what I'm supposed to ask about was completely torn away.  

Am I supposed to ask you about the paint on your car?  The make and model?  I don't remember specifically, but I don't recall having any specific questions about your car.  It wasn't all that noteworthy.  Should I ask you about torn bumper stickers?  You seem to know at least a little bit about those, and I must confess total ignorance on that front.  I don't have any bumper stickers, torn or otherwise.  

Why should I ask you about anything anyway?  If I have questions about stuff, obviously I would turn to an expert on the subject matter.  So, having a sticker which explains what you are an expert on is at least a little helpful for people who are looking for information on that specific thing at that specific time.  Seems like a bit of a long shot when you're driving.  Also, I probably won't want to follow you to your destination to ask you about it.  That might seem a little creepy for you....but at the same time, you brought it on yourself with your stupid bumper sticker. 

So, I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm supposed to ask you about.  So maybe that's exactly it.  I'm asking you about what's on the missing part of your bumper sticker.  It's not so much that I like the idea of your bumper sticker...more that it's just bothering me enough that I kinda want to know. 

Labradoodles Drool

So I’m confused.  Do Labs rule, or do Terriers rule?  

That depends entirely on the party in power at the time.  If the districts are Gerrymandered enough, the Terriers will rule, but usually the Labs have control.   

Yes, but...wait, what?

Anyway, as you know, I generally have no love for bumper stickers.  Especially when they're for dumb things like using cloth diapers or the 2008 presidential election.  I recently saw a car that had two bumper stickers advertising what kind of dog this particular driver owned.  I mean...I'm guessing...otherwise, they're just really dedicated fans.  On the left side of the bumper, "Labs Rule" with a picture of a golden retriever.  On the right side, "Terriers Rule" with a picture of a Boston Terrier.  This left me confused.  Since I've now been led to believe that Labs rule, how can Terriers also rule?  Is that not a complete contradiction to have one breed of dog rule, and then turn right around and say that another breed rules?  It may be okay if they're apart, but what if they're in the same room?  Only one of them can really rule...which is it?  This driver didn't help me out at all.  

HONK HONK!!!

Bumper Sticker Of The Day: "Honk If You Love Cheeses"


Who doesn't love cheeses?


Lactose intolerant people.


They may still love cheeses, but not be able to process them. That was a very insensitive comment, Jeremy.


Fair enough. I apologize to all cheese-loving lactose intolerant people out there.


Better. So you actually saw this bumper sticker?


Indeed I did. It was a little weird. I have this problem with bumper stickers all the time. If somebody has the back of their car wallpapered with bumper stickers, that's up to them. But if you only have one or two, you're really picking your battles. You have actively decided what message you want to send to the world about yourself. In this particular case, this guy likes cheese.

Don't get me wrong...cheese is basically awesome. I just don't feel enough about it to tell the world that the one thing they need to know about me is that I like cheese.


You like it enough to write about it on a blag.


That's not the point.

The ducks love it

I have a bumper sticker on my fishing boat that says "I'd Rather Be Working"


Work gets kind of a bad rap, doesn't it?


There just aren't many bumper stickers that promote having a good, stable job out there. Maybe there should be.


Going into the Bumper Sticker business are we?


Probably not.


So you have a big announcement today, don't you?


Indeed I do. Today marks the 500th post here on Jeremy Is In The Office.


Holy crap...500 posts? It seems like only yesterday it started.


It's true...according to the counter on the blag's log-in screen. The Word doc where I have all of the messages saved is now 47 pages long and suitable for publishing. Maybe I'll add in some pictures of hockey and toasters before I release it to bookstores nationwide. Watch for my book signing tour coming soon!

I have hair...

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: "If It's Got Hair, It's Just A Cat"


The sticker had a picture of a cat on it too.


So apparently, anything with hair is now considered a cat. Good to know. So those deer that run through my back yard?


Now cats.


The squirrel I almost ran over on my way to work this morning?


It's just a cat.


That grizzly bear that comes for your sandwiches when you're on a camping trip...relax! It's just a cat! Biology has officially taken a back seat to bumper sticker catch phrases that really make no sense. I'm sure there's some kind of inside joke going on here, probably some elitist crack on people who don't own hairless cats (which are remarkably creepy, by the way), but as a stand-alone bumper sticker, it's really just pretty moronic.


The best part of this story is that the driver's son or daughter is an honors student at a local middle school. The bumper told us that, too!


So either the offspring is adopted or somehow got the shallow end of the gene pool. Good for you, kid!

They mug other people instead

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: Kids who hunt, fish, and trap don’t mug little old ladies.

Sorry everybody...busy day today, and I didn't have anything written in advance. You get a bumper sticker and that's about it. Tune in tomorrow!

Not me...the guy driving

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: "I Am A Fat Pig"


Seriously? Somebody had this as a bumper sticker?


I am deeply saddened to report that this is 100% true. I saw this bumper sticker on the back of somebody's car about a week ago.

Of course, I started to overthink and futilely tried to come up with some reason that somebody would actually want this message to be the one they send to the world of people driving behind them. Maybe it has some deeper meaning...like the social commentary on Americans at large and he's trying to be ironic by turning the hatred around into pride. Or maybe he's really fat and rolls around in mud. I really have no idea.

For the record, I didn't hear any honking

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: Honk If You’ve Got A Badonk-A-Donk


That's pretty bad...why would anyone have that?


Apparently, they only like to hear people honking if they have large butts. I wish I had an explanation for this, but a relationship between rear end size and driving ability completely escapes me.


You can see the road better if you're sitting higher...


It's probably not a coincidence that this Mensa-level sticker was on the same bumper as a New York Yankees sticker.

Zoooooooooooom!

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Week: "American Muscle Car Association." Why? It was on a Kia Spectra!


Those Kia Spectra are pretty quick...


Okay, let's forget the fact that the Kia Spectra produces an outstanding 138 horsepower, capable of blowing any go-kart off the line, and focus on the fact that this particular bumper sticker was on a Spectra 5. This, of course, is the sorta Station-Wagonesque version of the Spectra. Station Wagons are rarely, if ever, considered "Muscle Cars".


So it's not exactly a muscle car. Cars can dream too, can't they?


Let's also ignore the Non-Muscle Car aspects of the Kia Spectra 5 and consider the fact that it sported an "American Muscle Car Association" sticker while being made by a South Korean company.

This car fails every aspect of its bumper sticker.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car." - George Carlin (1937 - 2008)


If you hadn't seen the news yet, the great George Carlin passed away last night in California. Today's Sametime Status is both a tribute to Carlin's carreer and legacy, as well as a continuation of the "Jeremy Is In The Office" theme of stupid bumper stickers. It just seemed appropriate today.

I actually don't want instant death

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: "I Brake for Trains"


Stupid? That seems like pretty sound judgement.


Of course it's sound judgement! It's common freakin' sense to stop for a train. What do you think you're going to accomplish by not stopping for a train?


Getting to your destination quicker?


No. If you don't stop when a train is moving in front of you, you will stop by way of the train. In a collision between your car (and I don't really care what kind of car you drive) and a train, the train will win. Guaranteed!


Okay but maybe...


NO! Never nuts around with trains! They're big and will mess you up! The average freight train weighs 6000 tons. Trains in some parts of the world can approach 200 miles per hour. Put those two numbers together, and you have an incredible amount of force.


Freight trains don't travel 200 miles per hour.


That is so not the point! Did you know that more people died in train accidents last year than bowling accidents, Blogging Accidents, and Bird Flu COMBINED!


Where did you get this information?


I made it up to sound scary.


That's what I thought. Ever consider that Bumper Sticker Boy meant he just likes model trains?


Well...no. But if the one message he wants to send to the world is that he has a thing for toy trains, he's got a whole new set of issues.