Cops Have Speed, Too

Happiness is seeing a guy with “Speed Hunters” painted on the side of his car pulled over by the police

Today's case of schadenfreude is brought to you by Jeremy.  Being a jerk since...when did this Blag start again? 

I don't think I'm the jerk here.  I mean...I'm assuming.

And everybody knows what happens when you assume.

So, when it comes to driving, there are normal drivers, and there are idiots.  

Idiots fall into several categories.  There's the idiot in front of you who's going 15 miles per hour below the speed limit on a winding 2-lane road.  There's the idiot who cuts you off to get into the turning lane with a whole 25 feet to spare.  You have the idiot who weaves in and out of three lanes of traffic so he can go 20 miles per hour above the speed limit during rush hour traffic.  The idiot who leaves his turn signal on for a couple miles.  The idiot who drives a POS car with one of those fart-can mufflers which makes his car way too loud for how much power it really doesn't have, and it has one of those metal tow hooks on the back bumper which serve no useful purpose whatsoever except to point out that he has a POS car that will probably need a tow hook before too long.  

You get the idea.  

Well, not long ago, on my drive in to work, one of those idiots with the fart can/tow hook car was pulled over by the police on the side of the road.  Was it a major highway?  Nope...it was a short, winding 2-lane road that's less than three quarters of a mile long.  Obviously, he was driving like an idiot.  I'm going to assume he was speeding, because idiots speed on that road all the time.  I also had one extra piece of data to base my assumption on.  Painted in big gold letters on the side of his POS car were the words "SPEED HUNTERS."  I think it's safe to assume that he found speed.  That's what you get for driving like an idiot.  

Take That, "The Man"!

I like when things cost $3.59.  I pay with a 20

 Interesting...how often does that happen?

Not very often.  I get the 59 cents portion of it, but sadly, not so much the full $3.59.  

So why is $3.59 so special?

Because it allows me to get full value from my cashier experience.  

Lately, cashiers have it easy.  Most of the time, the customer is doing all the work themselves, what with swiping their own credit card, typing in their own pin number, and picking up their own receipt.  In some places (particularly grocery stores and large, autonomous home improvement stores) they've done away with the cashier entirely, and I have to scan all my own stuff and bag it, then pay and collect my receipt.  Of course, this process goes perfectly about 17% of the time.  The remainder of the times, and I don't feel like doing the math, somebody has to come over and fix the machine before I can continue.  This is annoying.  

So, I like to make sure that cashiers are doing as much as possible while they're working.  Everybody wins.  They don't get bored, and I get to have my fun.

What's so fun about that?

Simple!  If I pay for a $3.59 tab with a 20-dollar bill, I get $16.41 in change.  This is most commonly manifested as one 10-dollar bill, one 5-dollar bill, one 1-dollar bill, one quarter, one dime, one nickel, and one penny.  The cashier will have to go through every compartment of their drawer to give me the minimum amount of change.  It's a minor victory, but a victory nonetheless. 

The Statute of Limitations is like 48 hours

The Yankees don't even have the common decency to lose during the week, so we can properly give our co-workers the business


That's unfortunate. The hilarity has time to die down for those of us who correctly need to give the business.


For some reason, Yankee fans don't seem to quite understand the level of humiliation that is appropriate for wasting another $200 million on a failed season of baseball. Apparently, pitching is the problem...from what I'm told by the sports reporters on TV. It would seem $54 million isn't enough money to buy a fool-proof rotation, and you still end up trotting out AJ Burnett to stink up a game for you. Incidentally...any other team that jumped on an albatross like Burnett would be crippled for years...the Yankees just brush it off and chase after $20 million worth of Cliff Lee in the offseason.

When your team has the ability and inclination to do this, and you still can't win, this is a miserable failure of beyond epic proportions. In fact, much like "Battlefield Earth" this 2010 Yankees team should be the new yardstick by which all failure is measured. No matter what it is you screw up at any point in the next 10 years, you should be able to say, "Well...at least I'm not the 2010 Yankees," and everyone will have a hearty laugh and forget about your mistake.

Revenge, Served Hot...Then Cold

Oh Karma...you work in mysterious ways, but sometimes, I love it


So did something good happen to you, or did something bad happen to somebody else who wronged you...at least in your own mind?


Some of both, actually. It's really quite exciting. So many of you remember A Rant I Did A While Ago about a purely fictitious conglomerate chain of home improvement stores that I referred to for purely Blag purposes as "High's Home Improvement Store." They were morons. After promising next day delivery on a washer and dryer I purchased there, they took 3 days to deliver, came late, and hooked the washer up improperly. I took out my frustrations in Blag form...UNTIL NOW!!


DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!


Not long ago, I got a postcard in the mail. It said that I was part of a Class Action Lawsuit against "High's" over improper installation of dryers. There's something about how the ductwork was installed in a number of cases, and I was entitled to the grand sum of $20.

Heck yeah!


Don't spend it all in one place.


Actually, the irony here is that I have a couple house projects going on right now, so the odds are pretty good that I'll end up spending that 20 bucks right back at "High's." But that's hardly worth mentioning.

This one is not so bad

The 2008 2010 Annual Ottawa Senators Playoff Collapse is now complete! Congratulations, Pittsburgh Penguins!!


Is it really a "Collapse" if they were the underdog?


I guess that's a point worth making, but the fact that the Senators choke in the playoffs every year.


Not last year. They didn't even qualify.


Is that really worth ruining a perfectly good annual Sametime Status?


Is anything worth NOT ruining your Sametime Status?


Honestly...probably not. But...the point is, I started this tradition a couple years ago, celebrating the end of the Senators' season. It's not that I have something against the Senators' team, or Ottawa in general (I've been there....it's nice)...but I found it amusing to note that while they always field a very good team, finishing with over 100 points in 5 of the last 10 seasons, leading the league one of those, they never manage to win the whole show. This year is no exception, finishing 5th in the Eastern Conference, and facing the Pittsburgh Penguins in the first round. The last time Ottawa made the playoffs was in 2008, when they finished 7th in the East and had to play...uhm....the Pittsburgh Penguins in the first round. Seems familiar...

I want to be a bear

Steve poked the bear.


That nutty Steve...


Actually, not Loyal Reader Steve...this is a different Steve that you may or may not know. He's got an office near mine and was talking a couple days ago how Winter is over, so we're not going to get any more snow.


That jerk Steve...


So now, we get close to a foot of heart-attack snow and a promise of more on the way. I hate winter.

This actually happened

I actually searched through the box to find crackers that were intact before crumbling them up into my chili.


No Office tonight?


Sadly, no. They're bypassing tonight's episode in favour of an hour-long spot after some football game on Sunday.


So tell us about the crackers.


Yeah...I was in the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work, and decided to have chili for lunch. This involves crumbling crackers into the bowl, if anyone is unfamiliar with how to eat chili. To that end, they have a box next to the chili containing packets of crackers...and as you might expect, some of them are already broken due to shipping and handling issues.

I reached into the box and grabbed two packets of crackers, (Since that's the limit. They say they'll charge you after 2 packets) and before putting them on my tray, I noticed that one of the crackers was already broken. Mind you, the wrapping was still intact, and the crackers were perfectly serviceable, but it was broken in like 5 pieces! What's up with that?

So, I put that packet back and carefully selected a new one with intact crackers. Feeling better about myself, I paid for my lunch and proceeded to smash the crackers into little tiny pieces to dump in my chili. It was one of those times when I had a bit of a revelation, thinking of some poor sap who actually eats crackers rather than powdering them into their soup...and how he's now stuck with broken cracker bits because of me.

I got a chuckle out of that.

Sabermetric Economics

The New York Yankees now have more salary on the Disabled List than the entire healthy Florida Marlins Roster. Congratulations!


I hate the Yankees.


Me too. And there's a certain level of satisfaction I get from today's fun baseball fact. As of this morning, the following human capital players and annual salaries are on the Yankees Disabled List:

• Brian Bruney ($0.725 Million)
  
• Wilson Betemit ($1.2 Million)
  
• Jorge Posada ($13.1 Million)
  
• Alex Rodriguez ($28 Million)

Yeah, I don't make that much.


Neither do I...in fact, as my old history teacher used to say, (and given my absent love of history, this is about the only thing I remember him saying) "Statistics Lie and Liars use Statistics." So statistically speaking, A-Rod and I average $14 Million a year!


If you put your head in the oven and your feet in the freezer, on average your body temperature would be okay! You should try it.


In total, the Yankees now have a ludicrous 42.99 million dollars worth of livestock sitting around injured. The entire Florida Marlins payroll is $22.65 Million for this year, and here's a fun fact: the Marlins have a better record! As of last night's games, Florida sits on top of the NL East at 15-11, and the Yankees are wallowing at 14-14, good for 4th in the AL East.


Here's a fun fact: Roy Halladay threw his third consecutive complete game loss last night.


That's not as fun.

Anyway...not that I'm advocating violence or anything, but if somehow, injury were to befall backup third baseman Morgan Ensberg, the Yankees DL would surpass the entire team salary of the Tampa Bay Rays.

If some misfortune were to happen to Kyle Farnsworth, his career 28-46 record, his 4.45 ERA, and his $5.9 Million salary, then the Bronx Bummer's All-DL team would sport a salary of 48.2 Million dollars, greater than the entire Oakland Athletics Roster.


This is fun. Who else can we break?


Let's not get carried away.

I'm sure Roadrunner tastes like chicken

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just go to a drive in and buy some McNuggets?


Maybe it's just the thrill of the hunt.


Or maybe it's a rhetorical question put forth for comedic effect.


Or maybe there's no McDonalds in the Greater Vast-Empty-Desert Area, presumably somewhere in either Arizona or New Mexico.


And yet, there's quite often large delivery trucks speeding along the roads at the most inconvenient times. Where are they going?


Are we going to sit here and rhetorically analyze Coyote and Road Runner cartoons all day? That would be cool with me.


As much fun as that would be...I do have to get to work at some point today. So instead of talking about Road Runner cartoons, let's watch one!


Sounds like a plan.


Here is one of the all-time great Coyote and Road Runner cartoons, called "To Beep or Not To Beep." The most prominent feature of this short is the Catapult Series, in which Wile E. Coyote gets whooped up on repeatedly by a rock-flinging catapult. File this one under "Repetition is Funny" as the device finds new and ever-increasingly creative ways to dump a giant boulder on top of our hero.


Is the Coyote really the Protagonist here? Granted, we see each episode from his perspective, but he's the bad guy. Nobody actually wants him to catch the Road Runner.


All part of the creative genius. Enjoy!

Maybe he wersn't

"Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but...shorn't." Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Oh, there's that nutty Michael Scott again making up words.


Yeah...there's nothing quite like a manager delegating his responsibilities to focus on a pet project for his own personal gain.


Not that you'd know anything about that.


Of course not. One thing I do know about, though, is comedy...


People reading this crap may think otherwise.


...and one of the staples of comedy is Slapstick humor. You always have your basics...the upside-the-head slap, the kick in the groin, and of course, the Classic 'Frying Pan to the Head.' One of the most simple and pure Slapstick comedies is people falling down. To that end, eBaum's World has assembled this Amazing Collection of Faceplant Photos for your edutainment. Enjoy!

Theme Week, Part II

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents 'Don’t Be That Guy' Week!
That Guy who sits in meetings spinning a pen around on his finger...Don’t Be That Guy.


Ooo, that is obnoxious.


Yes it is...not only is it distracting for the other people in the meeting, but it's also distracting for yourself, and is a clear indication that you're not paying attention to what's going on in the meeting. Whenever I see somebody doing this, I make sure to ask them a question, so they either drop their pen or have to admit they weren't listening. I'm cruel like that.


But some of the pen tricks are kinda cool


I agree. They're very much like juggling, which certainly has its place....just not in my meeting! In the interest of science, I've decided to provide you all with a link to a website about Pen Spinning. I'm sure more info can be obtained on Youtube or The Google. Just don't practice in my meeting!


So, you must be pleased with the sports news today.


Indeed I am. I will break out my best John Sterling impression to announce:

YANKEES LOSE! YANKEES LOSE! THE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E YANKEES LOSE!!!!!

Once again, the best team money can buy can't buy their way out of the first round of the playoffs, and 90% of the baseball world outside of the Greater New York City Area rejoices.

Now...despite the fact that the Cleveland Indians played 4 very good baseball games, and, with the exception of Game 3, pretty much had their way with the vaunted Yankees lineup in this series, and knocked around every last one of the Yankees starting pitchers...who gets all the media attention now that the Indians have moved on to the AL Championship Series?

ESPN:

Sports Illustrated:

The Sporting News:



So, now that the 4 teams who deserved to get to the Championship Series are playing, and the two that win will move on to the World Series...where will all the attention be? Naturally, on whether or not Joe Torre gets fired as the manager of the Damn Yankees.

People falling is funny

If a mime falls on his face in the forest, and nobody’s around to see, is it still funny?

Answer:

Yes.

Discuss.