Much Like "Point Of Sale" Cash Registers

Pro Tip for restaurants: When food comes served in Brown Sauce, don’t abbreviate this to “B.S.”

Please tell me this didn't happen.  I really want to believe that this didn't happen.

I'd like to believe it too, but sadly, it's not the case.  

As you're probably aware, Brown Sauce is a very common ingredient in many dishes served in Chinese restaurants.  At least the Chinese restaurants in the US where what's served is not particularly authentic Chinese food, but that's beside the point entirely.  When I go out for Chinese food, I order stuff with Brown Sauce fairly often.  This happened not long ago when I went to the local Chinese restaurant for lunch, and one of the specials of the day was Chicken with String Beans in Brown Sauce.  It not only sounded delicious (and to be perfectly frank, I've had it before, and it is delicious), but it was cheaper, being the special of the day, so I pondered it.  

The important thing to note is that there are two different variations on this dish as served in this particular restaurant.  There is the Brown Sauce version, and there is a Chicken with String Beans in Garlic Sauce.  As much as I enjoy garlic, the garlic sauce in this restaurant doesn't do it for me.  So, I took a second look at the board to make sure that the specials version was the Brown Sauce variation.  The sign actually said "Chicken w/ String Beans in B.S."  My first reaction was, "Hooray!  Brown Sauce!"  My second, albeit later reaction was "Wait a second....the abbreviation B.S. is already taken, and not by something I want on my Chicken with String Beans."  

Fortunately for me and my lunch, I was served Brown Sauce.  It was delicious. 

I Really Wish These Weren't True

Quick lesson in Evil Toaster physics:  Anything laid on top of the bread ends up on the bottom of the Toaster

Seems more like a lesson in Evil Toaster Civil Engineering than physics, don't you think?

Regardless, it's an important lesson to be learned regarding the single greatest enemy to breakfast in our time.  You all remember The Famed Toaster of Hades, right?  I know it's been a while since I've discussed it here, but much like the cold war, we had found a way to coexist for the most part.  I would occasionally toast things, and The Toaster would occasionally light things on fire, but no real threat was posed.  Well, that all changed in the last week.  Tensions have escalated, and The Toaster has tried to test its boundaries a little bit.  

First, came the remnants of a raisin muffin on the underside of the conveyor chain.  How it got there, I'm not entirely sure, but by the time I got there, it was pretty well stuck in there and blackened to charcoal.  The flames may not have been intense, but they lasted a while, given the level of bagel destruction that was present.  There still has been nothing to rival the Blueberry Muffin incident.  

Yesterday's Toaster incident can only be described as foolishness.  I'm okay with people using the Toaster for its intended purposes, and laughing at them when the occasional disaster strikes.  But, when people tempt fate by brazenly defying the terms of the Treaty Of The Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building, I find it's no longer a laughing matter.  In this case, a rudimentary understanding of Toaster Physics is required.  

As we saw in the graphic illustration Featured In This Blag Entry, items to be toasted ride along a conveyor chain through the Toasting Chamber, then slide down the exit chute to the waiting hungry customer.  Since this involves the breakfast item reaching the end of the chain, it seems like a pretty basic concept that a 180 degree turn is involved.  The top side of the toasting item becomes the bottom side upon exit.  Only the most fool-hearty of souls would think to put some form of topping on their item before toasting, as it will quickly become the bottom of their item during its return trip.  

Well, some fool-hearty soul did just this.  They decided to put a piece of cheese on their breakfast, and send it through the Toaster.  This ended exactly like you think it did.  At first, everything is hunky and/or dory, the item toasts and melts the cheese a little.  Perfectly reasonable.  Then, it reaches the end of the chain and flips over for delivery, and The Toaster finds its opening and pounces.  At this point, the molten part of the cheese contacts the exit chute and sticks firmly in place, releasing its hold on the breakfast item.  Breakfast continues down the chute, leaving a smearing of melted cheese the entire length of its journey, the beginning of which is far too close to the heating element.  Much like you've seen in Bugs Bunny cartoons, the cheese nearest the heaters bursts into flame, igniting the smeared cheese pool, leaving charred cheesey remains all over the exit.  

Now there is crap all over the Toaster now, rendering it all but unusable, unless I want to get carbon-infused cheese all over my bagel.  At some point, somebody among the cafeteria workers will have to clean that up.  Just the latest casualty in the War, and one that could have so easily been avoided if only people could begin to understand their enemy. 

I Have As Much Chance As Perry

Three reasons to celebrate today:  It’s 11/11/11, It’s Veterans Day, and uhm…I forget.  Oops

Once again, it's time to celebrate another cute little pattern in a date that's only there if you write it in once specific arbitrary way.  This time, we conveniently leave out the "20" in 2011 to create 11/11/11.  It's better than some of the ones we've had recently.  

And Happy Veterans Day to all the veterans out there and all the people who get to skip a day of work and school because of them.  I don't get to skip work, but I can still appreciate the Vets.  

I can also appreciate good political comedy when I see it, and candidate Rick Perry supplied us all with some comedic gold at the most recent presidential debate when he not only suffered a bout of complete mental flatulence, but looked absolutely terrible trying to cover it up.  Many Of You Have Probably Seen It Already.

Unfortunately for me, by the time I had realized how to turn this into satire (in jaunty Sametime Status form...see above), Jon Stewart Had Already Figued It Out, so I sound a little unoriginal, but I'm okay with that.  Jon's a professional, so I'll give credit where credit is due.  He jumped all over it in the same way I decided to...and probably did a better job.  

It's just a little sad that in this era of politics, where the 8-second sound byte is more important than knowledge, integrity, or anything of substance to a candidate, that certain politicians can't even remember to get their sound bytes right.  What's worse is that this episode pretty much seals the fact that Perry can't even think on his feet well enough to hold the highest office in the country.  Yet, he's still going to run, people are still going to funnel money to him, and yes...people are still even going to vote for him. 

This Doesn't Say Much For Me

Mints are great for your breath, but sometimes play games with your mind

Here is where we get a little insight into the vast empty abyss that is Jeremy's mind.  Careful...it can get slippery.

I'm not particularly proud of this story, but I can see the entertainment value, so I'm willing to put my pride on the line for you, the Loyal Readers.  

I have a car.  It's actually relatively new, so I don't really expect things to go wrong with it.  I know the horn is pretty lame, and there's a maintenance bulletin out about the gas cap, but for the most part things are still in pretty good shape.  I was a little concerned recently when I heard a rattling sound coming from the passenger side door whenever I'd hit a bump in the road (which given the road conditions in the Greater Jeremy Area, is pretty often), and this troubled me.  I shouldn't be having clunks or rattles with my car.  When I got to the parking lot at work, I opened up the passenger door and had a look around to try to find anything that might be loose or tucked into the cup holder or something that would be making a rattling noise.  I went around wiggling and shaking and bumping things trying to recreate the noise to no avail, the thing was solid as a rock.  

This process lasted at least a minute and a half before I gave up and started planning my rattle strategy.  But, of course, this strategy planning would have to occur inside, so I grabbed my laptop bag out of the passenger seat, where it always sits on my way to work.  Pulling the bag out caused a rattling noise inside the bag, where the little box of breath mints is tucked away inside the front zipper pocket.   It sounded strangely like the rattle I'd heard coming from the door on my commute.  

I felt a little like an idiot, but nothing out of the ordinary for me at that hour of the morning. 

This is going to cost me like 85 minutes

You've won this round, "The Asylum"...but it's not over!


Wait, what? Has Jeremy finally been shacked up in the wacko basket?


Uhm...no. I'm writing a Blag.


Wishful thinking, I guess. So what Asylum are you talking about?


You may remember A While Ago, I introduced you to a quality piece of film called "Snakes On A Train."


It was a piece of something, that's for sure...


Well, I did a little research, and as it turns out, that movie was put out by a film studio called "The Asylum" which specializes in "Mockbusters." That is, they find a movie that's actually good and making money out in the real world, and then they make a horrendous, ultra-low-budget movie of nearly the same title, release it only on DVD, and turn a modest profit. The two films often have little if anything to do with one another, aside from having a nearly identical title. The hope is that you confuse one with the other and buy their piece of crap and don't realize your mistake until it's too late.

So not long ago, Robert Downey Jr. starred in a new Sherlock Holmes film, aptly titled, "Sherlock Holmes." I had wanted to see it, it did well at the box office, had a totally decent 70% Tomatometer...but I never got the chance. I came across "Sherlock Holmes" while updating my movie queue on an online movie rental site that for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "InternetFlickershows" and immediately sent it to the top of the list.

Little did I know that the fine folks at "The Asylum," who destroyed 2 hours of my life with "Snakes On A Train" also put out a film entitled "Sherlock Holmes" which involves flying dinosaurs attacking London. I'll let you guess which one showed up in my mail.


Why don't you just put the real one on top of the list and send this one back?


That would make me look stupid. I don't want to be that guy...


HAHAHAAAA! This is totally like the thing with the coffee grinder.


This has nothing to do with that. I categorically deny the accusation that...


So Jeremy once bought whole-bean coffee instead of ground, and instead of just admitting the mistake, he ran out and bought a coffee grinder.


Categorically! Deny! Freshly ground coffee simply tastes better.


Yeah, okay...whatever helps you sleep, Bean Boy.

BLEEEEEEEEEEP

I decided to go ahead and censor today’s Sametime Status.


Jerry Springer is apparently in the office today.


Nah...I had come up with something deep and poignant for today in the spirit of the holiday, but decided that it was a little to religious to be used as a Sametime Status. Too bad, thought...it was really good. You would have enjoyed it.


Rhetorical Sametime Status...nice.

Or Begonias...I haven't decided

I may plant some tulips


Uhm...good for you?


Well...this was apparently the "quote of the night" sitting around at dinner last night. I was explaining my recent landscaping project and how it may include planting some flowers or a shrub or something. I'm told it was funny that I thought of planting Tulips. I don't see what's wrong with that!

The consequences are dire

Helpful Volleyball Tip #83: A "Back 3" set is designed to go to the Weak-Side hitter, not the Middle Blocker.


Usually, you only use 83 when making up statistics.


Well, 57 didn't seem appropriate here, so I just went with it.


So tell me about this Back 3


Well, when playing organized volleyball, the attackers are positioned across the front row. The player farthest to the left (when facing the net) it called the "Outside Hitter", the player on the right is the "Weak Side" or "Opposite", and the player in the middle is called the "Middle Blocker." The setter generally positions himself between the Middle Blocker and the Opposite, facing the Middle Blocker, and has a variety of options at his disposal. He can set the Middle directly in front of him, set higher and farther to the Outside Hitter, or he can set slightly behind him to the Opposite.

Sets come in various heights, and there really is no universal naming convention, so we tend to keep things simple. A "One" is a very low, quick set to the Middle, a "Two" is a moderately low set that can either be played by the Middle, or the Outside, depending on the play that is called. A "Three" is a medium-high set to one of the Outer Positions (Outside or Opposite, depending on direction), and a "Four" is a high set to the Outside.


Seems like a remarkably simple system with only four numbers. How can somebody screw this up? Must be a real chump.


Well, what happens on occasion is an overzealous Middle Blocker will decide that everything is being set to them regardless of height or location. In this circumstance, a Back-3 (A Three to the Opposite) is mistaken for a Two and the Middle will go out of his way to try to play it. Only problem is that the Opposite is right there already playing the ball and the resulting collision can be quite painful, I would imagine. I guess it could result in a bruised eye for one player and a sore elbow for the other. Either way, we end up losing the point. So...kids...play your positions.


Were you the bruised eye or sore elbow?


Actually neither...I was the setter...I only got a front-row seat for all the fun.

Who reads that stuff anyway?

Maybe there was something in the owner's manual about mulching wet grass


Owner's manual? What's that?


It's a big ol' book of "information" that gets distributed when you buy a lawnmower...or some other thing. Like most people, I tend to largely ignore these things after looking at the pictures on the back to get the general idea of what to do with the thing.


That's a very sound strategy...how much more information do you really need than what's provided in a picture?


Exactly! Whatever isn't in the picture can be learned through experience, which has long been billed as "The Best Teacher." I gained experience yesterday while mowing the lawn.


Did your lawn mower blow up?


No. My lawn mower has a bagging attachment and a side-discharge chute as well as a Mulch system. I like to leave my mower set to "Mulch" mode primarily because I'm lazy and don't feel like hauling grass clippings around. Plus, it's better for the lawn or some other excuse I'm going to make up to sound less lazy. Most times, it works great and leaves me with a green, healthy lawn. (Okay, most of it is healthy weeds, but they still look green after mowing, so that's good enough) Yesterday, I learned the limitations of the Mulch system...it doesn't like mulching wet grass.

See, it's been raining pretty much non-stop all summer here which causes the lawn to grow at an alarming rate (the fact that it's 75% weeds probably doesn't help either) and also leaves very few windows during which to mow. Yesterday was one of those opportunities, so I had to take it, despite the non-optimal conditions. Here's how the mulcher works:

It mows the grass like normal, but leaves the clippings no place to go when they're done being cut...so instead they bounce around inside the deck until they get ground up into little bitty pieces which then settle down with the rest of the grass. Problem is, when the grass is a little wet, the clippings stick themselves to the top of the deck and stay there until the deck becomes full of leftover crap. This throws the blade out of balance and makes the mower loud and shaky...and probably a little dangerous. Here comes Jeremy with his little garden shovel scraping the grassy sediment from the deck (Yes, I shut the mower off first..though I did burn my arm on the engine's exhaust port once) every 3 minutes, creating a pile of wet sticky grass clippings in the back yard. At least I put it to good use, mulching the little hill at the back of the yard that's nothing but dirt and rocks. Who knows, maybe some new grass will start to grow there. Silver lining!

More Fun and Frivolity

Caution: Screwy Curve Ahead


That's good to know. You should always plan in advance or screwy curves.


For those of you who may not know, my brain does not function well in the morning.


Only in the morning?


So not long ago, I'm driving in to work, and I see one of those bright orange construction signs on the side of the road. Wanting to be a safe and alert driver, I read what's on the sign...and my brain registers, "Caution: Screwy Curve Ahead."

Being immediately confused, and knowing that such a sign doesn't exist, I did a mini mental-reboot and read the sign again. This time, it said, "Caution: Survey Crew Ahead."

Five-Seven Suited, however...

I’m never playing pocket Kings again.


No luck at the poker table, eh?


Actually, quite the opposite. I had a rather good night of poker not long ago, finishing second in a reasonably-okay-stakes tournament. The reason I came in second and not first was a pair of pocket Kings. They're jerks.


But isn't that the second best starting hand in Texas Hold'em?


Statistically, yes. In Jeremy's World, it means sudden, instant, and even immediate death. Since it is such a statistically strong hand, I usually end up playing it, and by the end of the hand, it looks like complete crap when compared to the hand that just beat me. In this past case, I ended up losing to a small flush with a pair of Kings. It's not the first time this sort of thing has happened to me which is why I'm firmly resolving to fold any pocket Kings from now on.


Good idea. When's your next game? I want to play now.


No idea when I'll be playing next, but when I do, I'll be decked out in my new line of poker-playing merchandise for the professional amature. Everybody has That Guy who shows up at your friendly home game dressed like the Unibomber in his hoodie and sunglasses with an MP3 player tucked underneath because he saw a guy on TV look like that. Well, now YOU can be That Guy, too...thanks to Jeremy Is At The Table, or JAT². We carry a full line of hoodies, sunglasses, MP3 players, poker chips, cards, felt covers, tchotchkes to hold your cards, and carrying cases for all of your poker-playing needs. Just find us on The Google or in your neighbourhood Poker store. Look for our Logo:

Nothing says “Good Morning!” like driving behind a truckload of asphalt.


One of the advantages to working from home.


Or not having a job, I guess. You'll never have the pleasure of driving behind a full dump-truck of fresh asphalt on your way to work. It's really quite unpleasant, and I'm probably going to have that smell in my car for the rest of the day. Thanks, dump truck guy! You couldn't have stopped an extra second or two at the intersection to let me get in front of you instead? Jerk.


What? You couldn't have peeled yourself out of bed a minute earlier and beaten the truck to the turn easily?


That's beside the point. Here's a flimsy segue to a video of people moving a crane with a crane:

So you want me to give you up?

“Don’t Rick-Roll my wedding.” - My Sister


That wouldn't be very nice...how would you go about that anyway?


So, first of all, I'd like to congratulate my sister and her former fiancee, now husband, on their wedding this past weekend.

Probably the only quirk of the wedding reception was the addition of karaoke. My sister and some of her friends sing karaoke in various places on occasion, and she thought it would be fun to have a couple people do their own singing towards the end of the reception. All in all, it worked out quite well. Prior to the wedding, we're all sitting around at home discussing the upcoming activities, and I commented that it would be amusing for somebody to sing "Never Gonna Give You Up," effectively Rick Rolling the reception. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to do this.


And then you did?


I most certainly did not! It didn't happen, and for some reason, it became my fault that it didn't...at least in the eyes of several of the bridesmaids.


So what did you sing?


I sang nothing. I take a certain measure of pride in being able to say that I've never sung karaoke...in this hemisphere.


Alright then...so elsewhere in the news this morning...


McDonald's is running a singing contest of their own. Too low on cash, apparently, to hire their own jingle producer, they're sponsoring a contest, hosted on A "Myspace" Page (Yes, it's real...the McDonald's corporate website links to the Myspace) to come up with the new Big Mac jingle. They call it a chant, but okay. The winner gets their jingle on MTV. OOOoooo.


Not quite as lame as some of the prizes you give away on the Blag, I guess.


Here's the rub. One of the 5 finalists in the contest served 12 years in prison, for....wait for it....Robbing A McDonald's! Good job everyone!

Maybe it was a classic

Today's Sametime Status wasn't funny anyway, so you're not missing much.


Uhm...so what was it?


Actually, I don't remember. Normally, I keep a couple weeks worth of Great Sametime Status Messages in reserve, and often ad-lib one on any given day if something going on in the world strikes me as amusing...such as my brand new washing machine being hooked up backwards. In today's case, I have my usual stable of pending Messages, but I thought of something this morning and said, "That would make a good Sametime Status today."

Over the course of my morning routine, I forgot what it was.


Seems pretty typical for a monday morning.


So instead, you get a Sametime Status about forgetting what my Sametime Status was. In the words of the Great Mitch Hedberg:

• "I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."

Revenge of the Toaster

Like most accidents, Toaster Fires are only funny until they happen to you.


AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! You set the toaster on fire!!!


More realistic to say there was a small incident involving The Famed Toaster of Hades, my bagel, and a very small flame.


In other words...you set the toaster on fire.


I'm not even 100% sure how it happened...I put my bagel in the toaster like always...but it apparently got caught on something, folded in half, causing it to touch the top heating element, and temporarily ignite.


BURST INTO FLAME!!!


There were flames, yes...but they were maybe an inch high.


A Raging Inferno of Fiery Death!


Okay, it really wasn't as bad as all that...it had a cute little flame which soon burned itself out and left me with a charred but still at least marginally edible bagel.


Please tell me you didn't eat the thing.


I did not eat the charred bagel...I got a new one, which was sad because the one that reached an untimely end was the last "Everything" bagel in the cafeteria.


Maybe you shouldn't have torched it then!