Seems Like I Wrote This Last Year...

Happy Holidays from Jeremy’s Sametime Status!  


Same to you, Jeremy.  Here's to tossing 2016 unceremoniously out onto its stupid face and moving on to 2017!  


So, it's that time of year again.  It's time for egg nog (if only I weren't allergic to eggs), Christmas trees (if only I weren't allergic to tree pollen), family (if only I weren't allergic to my parents' cat), friends...


...if only you had friends...


It's more or less officially the Holiday Season.  Sure, we've had Christmas music playing in stores since mid-October (if only I were making that up), but we're now less than a week away from Christmas, so we can actually say, without the guilt, that it's time.  Sure, not everybody celebrates Christmas, but there are plenty of holidays around this time of year that you can and should take part in.  Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, St. Stephen's Day, Boxing Day, the Winter Solstice, my dad's birthday, Rizal Day...it's a whole week and a half full of joyous times.  That's why I say "Happy Holidays."  I'll say "Merry Christmas" on Christmas, but until then, all of the holidays get some space on the marquee. 

Take however many of these holidays you want, and enjoy them.  Hopefully, they're all amazing.   We'll pick up this whole Sametime Status and Blagging nonsense in 2017. 


Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office starting tomorrow, and returning on Tuesday, January 3rd with a bright, beautiful 2017 full of comedic possibility.  Join us then for more of...well...whatever this crap is.  

And again, from all of us here at Jeremy Is In The Office, Happy Holidays!  

Don't Need A Live Rooster, Either

Happy Thanksgiving, from Jeremy's Sametime Status! 


Thanks, Jeremy.  Enjoy your Turkey Day.  


So, here we are at the kickoff of another holiday season.  It's time for cold weather, hot chocolate, way too much food, and probably some other stuff.  Decorations, maybe.

If you're wondering what to get your favorite comedy blagger for Christmas, you're not alone.  Candlesticks don't always make a nice gift, and I'm not registered anywhere that you can get a placesetting or a silverware pattern...not that I need any of that stuff anyway. 


Alright, let's get two!  


Either way, work's been pretty crazy lately, so I've decided not to do it anymore...at least for a couple days.  It's time for turkey!  See you next week. 


Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office starting tomorrow, and returning monday, November 28th with all new nonsense.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and safe travels for anyone hitting the roads. 

Fewer Than Fifty Shades

For Halloween, I’m wearing different colored shoes!


Oh that wacky Jeremy.  Always coming up with Halloween costumes that make the lamest people say, "wow...that's pretty lame."  


Well, in this case, that's really not what's happening.  I recently discovered that the shoes I'm wearing today don't match.


How hard is this, you moron?  You find two shoes that are the same in your closet, then you put them on.  People usually figure this out at some point before kindergarten.   


Also not the point!

I am, in fact, wearing a matched pair of shoes.  They are a pair of brown leather casual shoes that I purchased recently to replace an identical pair that wore out since I wear them to work any day I wear brown pants, which is approximately 50% of the time.  I like them.  So much so that this is at least the third or forth pair of them that I've had, and I've largely stopped paying much attention to them.  When the old pair is done, I go to the same store I've always gotten them in, making sure to have my 30% off card that they send me in the mail, find them in my size and go on with life.  That's exactly what happened not long ago. 

As it turns out, one of the shoes is slightly lighter in color than the other. 

I didn't notice this at the time, or on any of the other times I've worn these particular shoes...which has probably been around a dozen times now.  But for some odd reason, I noticed it this morning, and will never again not notice it.  My shoes don't match.  None of you would have known this if I hadn't said anything.  Oh well.  I'll have to leave for a week to overcome my disappointment in myself. 


Well, that part was partially true.  Jeremy's going to be on a business trip for the rest of the week.  As such, Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office, returning next Tuesday, November 8th with all new Sametime Goodness for you all.  Have a good week, and don't eat too much candy. 

See Also: Lewis Black Horse Story

Ask me about my Slinky


I will do no such thing.  This sounds horrifying.  


It's really not.  It's just a whimsical story that I was reminded of recently.  Also, it's your job to set up these stories for me.


Fine, fine.  What's the deal with your Slinky?  Also, when do I get a raise?  


Well, strictly speaking, there's nothing all that noteworthy about my Slinky.  It's your standard issue metal Slinky...not like those crappy plastic ones that don't work...real old-fashioned Slinky.  But before I can tell you that story, I need to tell you this story:

I got ice cream. 

I originally asked for a strawberry sundae with chocolate chip ice cream.  Sounds delicious, right?  Of course it does.  The server goes to create my sundae and comes back a few moments later.  She says that they don't have any chocolate chip ice cream, but she can give me vanilla ice cream and put chocolate chips on it, asking if that would be okay. 

My brain completely shut down.

It's certainly a perfectly acceptable compromise (and one that I ultimately approved, by the way) but at the time it was proposed to me, I just couldn't deal with it.  It just made no sense that I would have to be asked this question since that's all that chocolate chip ice cream is...ice cream with chocolate chips in it.  It makes no difference if the chocolate chips are added at the factory, or at the ice cream stand.  At the same time, I understand that this is not strictly speaking what I had asked for, so the server wanted to clarify with me that I would be amenable.  Both of these thoughts were going through my head at the same moment, and I completely short-circuited...standing with a vacant look on my face for a second or two before mumbling something possibly resembling English with a head nod of affirmation.  My ice cream was ultimately delightful, and I even left my change in the tip jar. 

I had to then explain this story to the other folks I was with that day, and it reminded me of the Slinky story which is in the same vein, but far more amusing.

A while back, I decided that my office needed a Slinky.  I have no idea why I decided this, but that's what needed to happen.  As one is wont to do when in need of a Slinky, I went to the toy store in the local mall.  After wandering the store aimlessly in search of Slinkies, I finally notice a small box of them directly next to the cash register.  As in, the display was touching the cash register...could not fit a slinky in between the box of Slinkies and the physical box that is the cash register.  This point is important.  I walk up to the counter with arms 100% empty...I take a single Slinky from the display, move it no more than 9 inches to the side to place it on the counter for the cashier to ring it up.  The cashier picked up the Slinky, scanned it using the bar code reader on the cash register, looked me square in the eye and said the most amazing thing I've ever heard come out of a human being.  The cashier asked me, "Do you need any batteries?" 

My brain completely shut down. 

I spent time clarifying the location of the Slinky display to illustrate the point that my entire interaction with the cashier took place in the span of less than 12 inches, and involved a single motion of picking up a Slinky and placing it on the counter.  I had nothing else in my hands, was making no other purchases in the store, and had shown no interest whatsoever in any item other than the Slinky.  Why the cashier could have POSSIBLY thought I needed batteries to power a Slinky was a puzzle that my brain stumbled to piece together for, I am not making this up, a full five seconds. 

I'm normally at least fairly quick-witted, and have fun and sarcastic things to say when I'm presented an opportunity, but not in this case.  I completely forgot how to human right then as I contemplated the events that led to this question.  I stood there, with my mouth agape and probably drooling a little as I tried to formulate the correct answer to a question this mind-boggling.  Should I ask the cashier to check to the box to see what size battery the Slinky needed?  Should I explain wave physics and how it applies to Slinkies?  Should I ask why in the name of all things good and plenty I would need batteries for a Slinky?  Should I simply ask if the cashier even knew what the Slinky was, and why the question they had just asked was so unfathomable?  Or should I stand there for a full 5 seconds looking stupid, then mumble, "uhh....n...n...no?" before paying and walking out of the store, brain matter oozing from my ears? 

I'll let you decide which ending actually happened. 


On that note, Jeremy Is Is The Office will be Out Of The Office next week, returning on monday, August 8th with all new Instant Messenger goodness.  See you all then! 

I Don't Want To Get Stepped On

Would giants appear to move quickly or slowly?  Discuss  

How can this possibly be relevant to anything?  

It's not, but it's something that has gone through my mind every now and again.  Especially when I see people running away from giants. 

Does that happen often? 

In movies and TV, yes.  

So, here's the thing.  You see it all the time.  Some movie or TV show, usually a cartoon, you see our hero running away from a giant.  The giant is huge and powerful, yes.  But, they're always remarkably slow.  You don't think about it, but it makes sense that moving something that huge would require a lot of effort, and wouldn't happen very quickly.  So, when our hero darts nimbly to the side and runs through the giants legs, making the giant look silly, you don't give it a second thought.  

However...

Picture yourself as an ant.  Now, look up at a human.  They would appear to be an impossibly large giant, hundreds of feet tall (to scale), with nearly unlimited power.  But, would they be moving slowly?  

If I want to step on an ant, there's roughly nothing that ant can do about it.  If I was a cartoon giant, the little ant would just run to the side as my foot was falling towards him, being able to escape by just reacting more quickly than I could due to my extreme size.  But, I'm not a cartoon giant, and my foot would seem to be moving impossibly fast to an ant, crushing the poor little guy with extreme prejudice before he can blink an eye.  Do ants have eyelids?  Probably not.  You get the idea.  

So, which is it?  And if there were real giants, would you be able to escape?  

Fortunately, you'll have plenty of time to think these things over, as I'm going to be away on business next week, so you're not going to see any updates here.  I know you're all sad, but I'll have an entire week's worth of stories, random thoughts, oxford commas, and witty observations to share with you when I get back.  Until then, please enjoy Youtube or something.  

Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office starting Friday, May 27th, returning on monday, June 6th with all new adventures.  Everyone enjoy your Memorial Day and we'll see you when we get back from Europe. 

Need More Holidays. Get On That, Feds

Long weekends are never as long as you think  

Strictly speaking, it was precisely 72 hours long.  Or is that too literal an interpretation?

Too literal.  So, here's a brief outline of how things have been going on Jeremy Land.  I've been working like crazy...and that's about it.  Lots of meetings, projects, people, businesses to deal with, not enough hours in the workday to pull it off.  Then, other people decide they don't want to do their jobs, so I get saddled with that, too.  To to it all off, I'm going to be away on business next week, so I won't even get Memorial Day off this year.  So, for my first official holiday, I'll be working.  

So, I made my own unofficial holiday last Friday.  

I realized that the weather was actually going to be nice for a change of pace, that none of my meetings scheduled for Friday was super critically important, and that I wanted a day off.  So, I decided, "ehh, screw the whole thing," and took the day off.  I woke up at my own good time (quite frankly, it was like 40 minutes later than usual...pretty sad), had a leisurely breakfast, did just a little work around the house, went for a nice bike ride, grilled a steak, then played some video games.  All in all, it was a solid day of not working.  

All that having been said, it's already monday again, and here I am, back at work.  At work, sitting through an entire morning's worth of meetings, learning that nobody's working on another project that's now going to get dumped on me, with my car in the shop again.  Basically, monday sucks.  

How can it be that my Friday of Leisure was a mere two days ago?  When I decided to have a three-day weekend, I had anticipated that it would be significantly longer that in ended up being.  Of course, it was three days, but I wanted it to feel like an eternity.  It totally did not. 

Another Bear To Follow You Around

Commercials should not use the word “bestest”  

Yet, there is so very much one that does.  It's a pretty terrible commercial regardless, but this just pretty well seals the deal.  

Even for those of you, like me, who have joined the war on Christmas, we're now officially in the Christmas season.  Thanksgiving is long past, it's Mid December, trees are up, lights are on, presents are wrapped, cookies are made, Hanukkah is over...fine.  It's Christmas.  This means Christmas music is everywhere, and there's nothing we can do about it, because it's actually justified now.  

Of course, Christmas music is often misused, such as in the case of a certain car manufacturer who is misusing the holiday pile of hot garbage classic, "Jingle Bell Rock" for their radio commercials.  There need to be rules about this sort of thing.  The lyrics are a little messed up in order to fit into the rhythm of the song, but not quite as horribly as that mobile phone add which uses "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" to sing every last legal disclaimer ever invented for a mobile phone carrier.  They also end the jingle (no pun intended) by singing, "That's why *Unnamed Car Sales Event* Roooooooocks!"  Seriously?  Nothing "rocks" anymore.  This is a clear case of some stuffed shirt advertising executive going out of his way to show just how hip and cool he is with the current generation while failing miserably at it.  And the poor singer who is just trying to make a living by singing commercial jingles is on the receiving end of a terrible lyric sheet.   

The lyrics also for some completely inexplicable reason make use of the word "bestest."  It doesn't even fit the music!  It doesn't make sense either musically or linguistically, and yet it's one of the key points of the song.  It really is pretty terrible and just helps put people out of the Christmas spirit. 

So uhmmm...Happy Holidays!

That's going to wrap up 2015 for all of us here at Jeremy Is In The Office!  We'll be Out Of The Office through the remainder of the Holiday Season and return on monday, January 4th with a whole new year of Sametime Fun and Frivolity.  Who knows...maybe one of these years, we'll start getting this "comedy" thing right.  

Have a safe and merry Christmas, Joyous Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, and we'll see everyone in January!