Look It Up. Did This Last Year, Too.

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset!  South Dakota State, Yale, Chattanooga, or Little Rock?  Vote Now!  

It's March Madness time again!  The time of the year that people either pretend to know everything about college basketball, or boast about the completely arbitrary way they selected their brackets.  Fortunately for all of you, Jeremy is a whimsical hybrid of these techniques.  He brings remarkably sparse knowledge of basketball with a sliver of name recognition, and mixes it all with a little crowd-sourcing to create a one of a kind bracket that...well...never wins anything.  

Right you are!  My knowledge of college basketball is roughly zero.  I don't follow the sport, nor any of the teams.  I don't know who's good, who's favored, who uses a zone defense, or if any team has a 7 foot tall guy named Sergio again.  I know that to win a college basketball game, you have to have good ball movement, run the floor, make your free throws, and score the basketball.  I learned these things from sports commentary, but not necessarily what they mean.  

As a fun aside, here's the bit about scoring the basketball:

A couple tournaments ago, I was watching a sports commentary program on TV for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture.  There was one commentator who was providing his opinions on every game for a region of a bracket, from the play-in game all the way to the Final Four.  He provided some name drops and vague references to coaching styles and skill levels, which was all well and good.  But, his primary input to determining game output was the greatest piece of sports commentary I've ever heard.  Absolutely every game he described was going to be won by the team he picked because, and I'm not making this up, "they really know how to score the basketball."  Every.  Last.  Game.  

I'm really hoping there is some deeper meaning to this, because I like to think that everybody on the planet who has ever heard of basketball knows how to score the basketball.  You put the ball through the hoop.  The team that puts the ball through the hoop more times than the other team generally wins.  There are nuances there, actually, what with free throws counting for one point, and the three-point shot being in play.  I'd actually like to see a breakdown of game scores versus the number of times the ball actually passes through the hoop.  It's my own little version of Money Ball.  Maybe I can make millions by figuring out that the team which scores the most points in basketball wins the most games.

Anyway...I know precious little about the NCAA tournament.  The extent of my knowledge deals with the brackets and seedings rather than the sport or the teams themselves.  I know that a #16 seed has never beaten a #1 in the first round in the entire history of the tournament.  Number 2 seeds get upset very rarely, the 8-9 is a toss-up, and the winning percentage follows an almost linear progression between the two, depending on seed.  

Except for the #5 seed.  

For whatever reason (and it's entirely mental at this point), the #5 seed is cursed.  The #12 seed upsets the #5 seed at a statistically anomalous rate.  As such, it's quite common for people to pick 12 seeds to upset 5s in their brackets.  I always do.  And I always let the People decide which.  

So, for the remainder of the day, my Facebook, Sametime Status, Blag, and whatever other social media I have available will be devoted to allowing people to vote on which 12 seeded team I will advance to the second round in my bracket.  Everything depends on you, so vote now! 

I Need A Tape Measure

One of these days, my perfect streak of Garbage Can Basketball will come to an end  

Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and again.  

So, you may remember that I recently changed offices.  It's a period of mixed feelings right now.  I miss my door, and the neighbors are noisier here than they were back in the old place.  I tend to filter them out with headphones, but that's a problem at lunch time, because the in-ear not-quite-noise-isolating headphones I have make it really loud to crunch on things.  Plug your ears and eat a potato chip if you don't know what I'm talking about.  

But, the new place is not without its merits.  I get more exercise walking longer distances to meetings.  I also get to be outside more walking longer distances to meetings in different buildings.  The novelty of that will go away right quick once winter comes, but that's beside the point entirely.  The parking situation is significantly better, and the cafeteria is very close.  

Also, I have a perfect record in Garbage Can Basketball.  

I'm not competing against anyone, nor is this a time-wasting game.  Whenever I have to throw something out, I just crumple it up and toss it across the aisle at the waste basket about 15 feet (5 meters) away.  This is only a slightly shorter distance than the garbage can in the hallway by my old office, but the results have been astonishing.  I have yet to miss the can!  It's true.  I keep expecting it to happen.  I'm not good at basketball, and my attempts at the can in my old office more often than not ended with me walking outside to pick scrap paper off the floor.  My streak is inexplicable, and I'm just going to enjoy it and ride it out as long as I can.  One of these days, I'll miss the can and end up just throwing crap into Jim's office, but until then...I'm on a roll! 

They Don't Make A Foam Hand With 69 Fingers

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset!  Stephen F Austin, Harvard, North Dakota State, or North Carolina State/Xavier?

It's that time again!  Time for Jeremy to wow us with the entirety of his knowledge of college basketball in like...three sentences.  Also, a little audience participation is always a good thing!

Oh yeah!  March Madness.  When the 64, 65, 66, 67, 68 greatest college basketball teams in the country battle it out for #1!  Then there's also another tournament where the 32 greatest college basketball teams that weren't good enough to be in the top 68 battle it out for #1, #65, #66, #67, #68 #69!  Really exciting sporting times ahead.  

So, here's what I do know.  I know that a #16 seed in the NCAA tournament has never beaten a #1 seed.  I also know that the #12 seed is a statistical outlier, having more than its share of upsets of the #5 seeds in tournament history.  So, a 12-5 upset is all but assured to happen, the question is which 12 seed is going to take down the favorite?  Here are your choices:

• Stephen F Austin State, whose mascot is somehow the Lumberjacks.  Nobody's ever been able to explain to my satisfaction why it's not the Rattlesnakes.  The college is even in Texas, for crying out loud.  They'll be taking on Virginia Commonwealth.

• Harvard.  For some inexplicable reason, they will be facing Cincinnati, in the first second round of the East Region bracket in Spokane Washington.  In the entire region bracket, I think the team based furthest west is Iowa, yet this game is in Washington.  Nobody's going to be able to explain that to my satisfaction either.  

• North Dakota State.  They will tip off against Oklahoma in an arena which can successfully hold the entire population of both states.  

• The winner of the North Carolina State/Xavier Play-In Game.  Yes, there is a play-in for the 12 seed.  Just one more thing that nobody will be able to explain to my satisfaction.  If you're good enough to be a 12-seed, why do you have to play-in to get into the tournament?  Shouldn't all of the play-in games be for a 16-seed?  I'm confounded.  

So there you have it.  Everything I know about college basketball in one east Blag post.  Now, it's up to you to decide how I fill out my bracket?  Who's going in as my 12-5 upset?!

Also, It's Ash Wednesday, So No Ham

You know your day is off to a rough start when there’s a Nicolas Cage reference on SportsCenter

Is he starring in the remake of Rollerball?  That would be awesome!  

I really hope nobody is considering another remake of Rollerball.  Nobody needs that.  

Anyway, at the very least, I can give the SportsCenter anchors credit for at least making fun of Nicolas Cage in their reference this morning.  I just can't, in good conscience, condone the use of Nic for...well...really much of anything.  

So there was some sort of basketball game yesterday.  I don't know or particularly care who was playing.  One of the players decided to run straight into a pile of players from the other team, at which point, the ref blows the whistle and maybe calls a foul on one of the players who was standing in the way of the guy who was running.  Okay, I'm not entirely clear on the rules of "charging," but it really seems like that happens a lot more than I see it get called.  Anyway...one of the players who was standing around waiting to get run into fell down on the play and grabbed his face as if he had been attacked by a rabid honeybadger.  The anchors then showed a slow-motion replay which showed the guy clearly not getting hit by anything, standing there for a second or so looking around before clutching his face and falling on the ground.  A player with True NBA Potential.  Anyway, the anchor said that the flopping player had apparently gone to the "Nicolas Cage School of Overacting."  

I appreciated the fact that this was a clear dig on Mr. Cage's ability to be a terrible actor, but still didn't need to start off my day with a reminder that he's still allowed to be in movies.  

Whoever Yells "FREE BIRD" Gets Punched

Silly Lynyrd Skynyrd, of course Tuesday’s gone.  It’s Thursday!

Today's Sametime Status makes me want to go to a NASCAR race and complain about liberals.  

You get all that from "Tuesday's Gone?"  I mean...it's a nice song and all, but never seemed quite THAT life-altering.

Nah, I'm just kidding.  It would take a lot more than that to get me to watch NASCAR.  

So today's Sametime Status deals with Lynyrd Skynyrd's song, "Tuesday's Gone."  The reason today's Sametime Status deals with  Lynyrd Skynyrd's song, "Tuesday's Gone," is that this was the first song playing on the radio when my alarm went off this morning.  This thought was actually the first thing to pop into my head today.  You know it's going to be a good day when your first thought is something funny instead of something like "I wonder how much it snowed overnight," or "It's time to get up already?" or "Ow, I just stepped on that thing!"  Those are far more common than comedy. 

The especially nice thing about this particular Thursday is that it's cleverly disguised as Friday, since I have the day off of work tomorrow to celebrate March Madness.  Woohoo!  So long suckers!  See you all on monday.

So, even though Jeremy made it pretty clear already, it's in my contract that I'm supposed to do this.  So, Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office tomorrow, returning monday, March 25 with all new stuff.  I've actually gotten a preview of monday's Sametime Status and I have no idea what it means.  We'll all be waiting patiently for an explanation.  

I Pick "Upset" Over "Man O' War"

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset!  Oregon, Ole’ Miss, Akron, or California. Vote now!!!

Welcome, everybody!  It's Jeremy's annual chance to show off everything he knows about college basketball.  Fortunately for the rest of us, I'm here to help this explanation to be more than two sentences long.  

It's March Madness time again!  Time for all of us to make completely arbitrary picks on a 64-team bracket based on "information" we supposedly know about teams.  Really, though...we're all just tossing darts in the dark.  If you can confidently say otherwise, you're a sociopathic liar and/or should get a job as a sports analyst on one of the 24-hour sports networks.  

Of course, none of this stops us from putting pen to paper and creating our own bracket and, more importantly, talking trash about other people's brackets.  So, to make your bracket picking easier, I'm going to offer you everything I've learned about college squeekball over the years of making picks.

• No #16 seed has EVER beaten a #1 seed in the history of the tournament.  (In it's current format)  First thing to do when making a bracket is to immediately put all of the #1 seeds into the second round.  
• The #5 seed is cursed.  The #5vs#12 matchup is a statistical outlier in terms of upset percentage.  Basically, what this means is that a #12 seed ALWAYS beats a #5 seed somewhere in the bracket.  In fact, the #12 seed wins more often than the #11 seed. 

That's it.  That's all I know about the upcoming tournament, except for the fact that the Midwest region of the bracket is tough to predict because in every matchup, both teams have the ability to "score the basketball."  This is what I learned watching the sociopathic liar who got a job as a sports analyst on ESPN.  So you see what I mean about getting a job there...it doesn't seem to be all that difficult.

Anyway...I'll be filling out my completely nonsensical bracket tomorrow, so get your votes in now!  Pick Jeremy's 12-5 Upset!  

Soon Followed By April Ambivalence and May Melancholy

But they always seem so happy when they’re playing basketball

Jeremy if, of course, referring to the NCAA basketball tournament, which, while it's sorta been going on for two days now, truly begins in earnest today. 

Right you are.  It seems to me that if it's called March Madness, that the people involved would at least appear to be mad, or sad at the very least.  Either way, the tournament starts today, and my pick to win it all, Murray State, has already won their first game.  Go Fightin'....uhmmm...what's their mascot?  

That would be the "Racers."

What kind of a mascot is a Racer for a basketball team?

That's not important right now.

Right again!  Anyway, since nobody is going to be paying attention tomorrow anyway, I'll be on vacation, so there will be no Sametime Status update until monday.  I know how Mad you all are about that, but apparently, it's the season. 

Squeeky Fun For All!

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset!  VCU, Long Beach State, Harvard, or the winner of the California/South Florida Play-In

It's that time of year again!  Time for Jeremy to dazzle us all with his ineptitude at picking winners of 67 college basketball games.  He's so bad, he's enlisting all of you for help.

 I'm not as bad as all that.  I do, in fact, know a couple things about the NCAA tournament, and I've even seen two games this year.  

And of those teams that you saw, how many of them made it to the final 68?

Well...one...but that's beside the point entirely.  

What is important is that my knowledge of college basketball has not exactly increased from last year.  I know two indisputable facts about the tournament:  A 16-seed has NEVER beaten a #1, and the #5 seed is a statistical outlier, being ousted by the #12 seed more often than you'd think they should.  I actually did a graph once, which you can find on the Blag here pretty easily if you'd like.  The first-round winning percentage by seed tracks a pretty straight line, except for 5, which actually wins less often than the 6 seeds.  Some say it's a curse.  I say it's an opportunity!  

So as is tradition here, you get to pick my 12-5 upset.  At least one of these 4 teams is statistically likely to win their first-round matchup later this week, and I leave my decision to the Internetz.  Whichever team gets the most votes will be listed as the winner on my official bracket for whatever pool I participate in.  Just for the record, you don't get any prize money or anything if you're right...just the satisfaction of knowing you did your best.  So...who's it going to be?  Virginia Commonwealth, Long Beach State, Harvard, or California/South Florida?  VOTE NOW!!!