No Idea Why I Thought Of This

A world without Nicolas Cage, or a world without Stinkbugs?  

This is a strangely tough decision.  Where would the world be without "The Wicker Man?"

So here we have a toss-up between two of the worst things in the history of everything.  I'm trying to determine which of these hypothetical worlds would be a bigger improvement over our own.  A world in which Nicolas Cage never existed, and thus never brought us crap like "Season of the Witch," or a world in which those obnoxious stink bugs never happened.  

In case you're not aware, the Brown Marmorated Stink Bug is a member of the Pentatomidae family of insects native to Asia which was introduced to North America accidentally in the late 1990s.  Since there are no known natural predators for these stupid insects, and the North American climate is pretty ideally suited to them, their population has exploded in the ensuing generations, with a seemingly disproportionate amount of them living in the Greater Jeremy Area.  They are aerodynamically atrocious bugs, resulting in an excessive need for propulsion, with an in-flight sound level of approximately 102 decibels (somewhere between a jackhammer and a gas-powered lawnmower) when they fly around your bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.  

Nicolas Cage is...well...Nicolas Cage Is This.  

Samba or Mambo?

What’s a Menuto Suit?  

Probably something very colorful and suited to an 80's boy band from Puerto Rico?

  

Well, that would be a Menudo Suit, wouldn't it?  

Yes...why, what were you looking for?

So, I have had this issue with a sign in a local restaurant for a couple months now.  I know exactly what it's supposed to be saying, but as you are well aware, my mind isn't usually prone to reinterpretation once I have it made up.  I've decided that a Menuto Suit is a thing I'm not aware of, so I must figure it out.  

In this restaurant, to which I am a frequent visitor since it's close to work, has a sign behind the counter advertising their catering service.  Personally, I've never used this service, but I know people who have, and it's delicious.  They specialize in barbecue foods like pulled pork, ribs, briskets, and other such things that are making me hungry right now.  They offer to bring their wares to your party for you, cutting down on work and cooking that you have to do...you know...the exact thing that a catering service does that I really didn't need to describe here.  

Either way, the sign is hand-written on a white board by a person whose handwriting is only slightly better than my own.  (My own is miserable, hence all the typing on a Blag here)  The sign promises that they have "A Menuto Suit Everyone."  The actual message is obvious, but it's written so poorly and with such awful kerning (is kerning a thing in handwriting, and not just typefacing?) that I can't help but think of Menuto Suits.  And 80's Puerto Rican singing groups...which is never a good place to go.  

Please make a new sign. 

When Does Week 2 Start?

After Week 1, my Fantasy Fantasy Football team is in first place 

Good for you, Jeremy!  One of these days, we might get you to bump up to actual Fantasy Football.

Not very likely.  

So, Fantasy Football is a big deal thing.  It costs businesses an estimated 17 Billion dollars per season (estimate by Fortune Magazine for the 2016 season) in lost worker productivity.  Lots and lots of people spend lots and lots of time organizing rosters of digital players, and root for their statistics, and not their teams, in the week's NFL games.  It's a little weird having shifted from a world of "I hope my team wins" to "I hope my team wins by one point and the other team scores a ton because I need their quarterback to throw many touchdown passes."  It happens. 

It doesn't happen for me, though.  See, I don't pay nearly enough attention to football to participate in Fantasy Football.  That takes more than just a knowledge of how the sport is played and an only passing interest in ever even seeing the games.  If somebody says, "Hey, Jeremy.  We're going to a restaurant establishment in the Greater Jeremy Area to watch football.  You must join," then I will join.  Failing that, there's a better than even chance that I'll find something to do that does not involve football.  

This leads to a shortage of knowledge about football.

I don't know which teams are good, which teams have which players, which players are any good, which team has players that might be good some day, which teams have which strengths and weaknesses which can be used to an advantage (a smart Fantasy Football player would avoid starting a reasonably good wide receiver if he's playing against the best pass defense in the league, for example)...none of that nonsense.  To become good at Fantasy Football, I would need to obtain a great deal of knowledge about a subject I don't care about.  So first, I would need to obtain a more than rudimentary interest in football, then obtain all of this knowledge.  I simply don't care that much.  

I don't play Fantasy Football.

This, of course, doesn't stop people from talking about Fantasy Football non-stop during the football season.  It's okay, I guess.  It's something that interests them.  But, if I'm to be part of nearly any conversation for the next 5 months (since most of my friends don't talk about hockey), I need to do Fantasy Football.  Therefore, I have a Fantasy Fantasy Football team, in which I pretend to have a Fantasy Football team.  It accomplishes pretty much the same thing as regular Fantasy Football but without any of the fuss of Fantasy Football.  There are no league drafts, or salary caps, or decisions on how many kickers to carry, or scouting reports for upcoming games, or Oxford commas, or last minute roster changes due to injury.  But, I can still brag about how well my team did last week.  It works because nobody cares enough to actually see if I'm in first place or not.  They're too busy deciding which Wide Receiver to start next week.