Studios Are On The Phone Already

My Next Great Idea: Remake famous movies, but resolve the main conflict with a dance-off

We're going to be rich!  

Dance movies suck.  

The entire premise of movies is to detach yourself from reality for a couple hours, while still maintaining an air of believability.  Charles Foster Kane never existed, but he was loosely based on William Randolph Hearst, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that the events in the movie could possibly have happened, so it's okay.  Transporters don't exist, but Star Trek is based in the future, so maybe by then, we'll have figured it out, so it's okay.  

There is no universe where two entire groups of people will get into a major physical brawl have money stolen from them, and settle their differences by seeing who dances better.  It doesn't really matter how much they get served, this has no bearing in reality.  

So, we're left with the problem of how to take this disastrous, yet somehow shockingly profitable, idea and turn it into something even remotely watchable.  The solution is simple.  Take popular, already successful films that everyone is familiar with and loves and turn them into dance movies!  Here are a couple examples:

A tornado picks up a small Kansas farmhouse, and drops it on a woman.  The woman's sister vows revenge against the homeowner and her dancing dog.  The young woman assembles her crew of a lion, a scarecrow, and a tin b-boy, and a translucent head officiates a dance-off between this crew and the sister and her band of dancing monkeys while a crowd of cheering munchkins watches.  

Hans Gruber and his crew of Mercenary thieves challenge John McClane and the LAPD to a dance-off on the roof of the Nakatomi building while a swarm of SWAT helicopters with spotlights circles overhead.  The winner gets $640 million in bearer bonds.  It writes itself!  

Three scientists and two hired assistants dance on the roof of Central Park west against Gozer and a glowing band of ethereal dogs.  A giant marshmallow man is the DJ.  Who wouldn't want that?  

If anyone else has any other great ideas, go ahead and leave them here.  I'll make sure you're credited as an associate producer or something in the credits. 

I Am The Champion!

It was the Fight of the Century…between me and my garden hose  

Sadly, Jeremy one.  I mean, I'm guessing here.  Garden hoses can't usually spell very well.  

So, if you were near anything electronic last week, you were made aware of a boxing match held in some casino city somewhere out west.  I'm not going to say any names because I'm entirely certain they'll come after me for money.  I feel like I somehow paid good money for it already, and I don't know how.  Yes, two guys were going to punch each other in the face for a while in front of a crowd of people cheering for them to punch each other in the face some more while people paid ludicrous sums of money to be allowed to watch the face punching live on TV.  There was probably gambling involved somewhere along the line as well.

You've actually paid to watch Wrestlemania on Pay Per View.  It's debatable which is dumber.  

So, from everything I've seen on the Internets since then, I feel bad for all the people who spent their money to watch this nonsense, as it apparently didn't live up to its billing.  The two guys didn't punch each other in the face nearly enough to satisfy the crowds, but the tickets and Pay Per View time is non-refundable.  Sorry, chumps.  

For those looking for a much more entertaining fight, there was me in my back yard versus my nemesis, the hose.  See, at one point, I thought it would be a great idea to get one of those self-coiling garden hoses with a fashionable wire hanger which mounts on the side of my deck.  It's great...it just sits out there and I can plug it into the spigot to water my plants without watering cans or dragging the other hose and it's whole reel around the house from the garage.  In theory, anyway.  

In reality, I can never get the stupid thing back into its wire hanger.  There's clearly some trick to it that I'm not getting, because I'll think I'm having success, having gotten about half of it to settle down, when one end decides on a lark to just dump back out onto the ground, taking the entire rest of the hose with it.  Jerk.  Recently, the hose was in rare form, and it took me more tries than usual (and more than I'd care to admit) to get it stored properly.  I'm sure anybody watching would have been more entertained by than than the face punching spectacle, and nobody paid me 100 million dollars to do it. 

Good Times!

Lawn mowing.  Because I almost forgot what three hours of sneezing feels like

Hooray for seasonal allergies!  

Yeah...a big friggin' whoopee for me!  

So yesterday marked another significant event of the new Spring season.  I mowed the lawn!  That means that it's actually finally gotten warm enough consistently enough for the grass to grow.  April 30th.  Geeze.  

Anyway, what's important to note here is that I'm allergic to grass.  And dust.  And pollen.  And cats.  And dogs.  And eggs.  And birds.  Basically, I'm allergic to the world, so when I go outside to mow the lawn, there is an all-fronts assault on my body which results in me spending the remainder of the evening inside, laying down helplessly on my bed, sneezing my face off.  

Think of all the trouble you could have saved Nicolas Cage and John Travolta....

See, Loratadine is a wonderful thing.  It relieves my allergies quite well without the primary side effect of Diphenhydramin, which is a total and complete inability to stay conscious.  (Incidentally, these are chemical names for a couple fairly common OTC antihistamine medicines.  I'm not using the brand names because they're not paying me)  There is one minor problem with Loratadine, though...at least when it comes to lawn mowing yesterday.  I actually have to remember to take the stuff.