I'll Ask Nikola Tesla How To Get Punched In The Face

When I think “patent advice,” I think “George Foreman”

When you think of asking for any advice, why would you even consider asking a guy who made a living out of getting punched in the head repeatedly?   

Well, he did invent that grill.

He's the spokesperson for the grill.  It was invented by Michael Boehm and Bob Johnson.  Foreman became the spokesperson because he ate hamburgers before boxing matches. 

In that case, it seems I have been lied to by a commercial once again.  Jerks.  

So not long ago, I heard a commercial on the radio for a company called InventHelp.  I had to look it up because I stopped really listening to it after the intro.  In the introduction, spokesperson George Foreman announces that people ask him "all the time," how they can get a patent and submit their ideas to companies.  Seriously?  More than one person has asked this of George Freaking Foreman?  The guy who named all five of his sons "George"?  George Foreman?  They're asking him for advice on inventions?  

I don't get it.  The world is officially upside down. 

Genius Takes Time To Wake Up

I either need to park closer to the building, or do a better job of remembering my ID badge on cold days

Or just keep doing what you're doing.  We're all amused by your suffering.  Literally...I mean...it's the only time we really get to read about things like this.

So, early in the morning, such as when I'm first going to work, my brain isn't quite functioning yet.  It's serviceable enough to get me to work safely, and occasionally remember one of the things I was supposed to bring with me, but that's about it.  This becomes a problem, for example, on rainy days, when in addition to my regular cache of stuff I have to bring to work, I have to bring an umbrella.  Something usually falls by the wayside.  

That thing is usually my work ID badge.   

You see, I work in one of those places that requires you to wear an ID badge and scan it to get into the building.  We deal in some expensive proprietary stuff, and we don't want people stealing it, so we keep the doors locked.  It makes sense if you think about it.  Everyone gets a badge, and most people are pretty good about remembering them when they come to work.  Every now and again (read: pretty much every day), you'll see somebody walking around with a temporary stick-on "badge of shame" because they forgot their regular badge and had to go to the security office to get validated.  They still can't open the doors, but at least you're allowed to let them in. 

Anyway, the usual order of things in the parking lot:  Turn off the car, collect laptop bag, collect badge, leave car, lock car, walk to building, enter building.

You'll notice "Start Working" is nowhere on that list...

But once you start nutsing with that system, the whole dang opera falls apart.  If that list turns into "turn off the car, collect laptop bag, collect umbrella, leave car, raise umbrella, lock car, walk to building, enter building," you'll think nothing of it...but you'll notice later that "collect badge" was not on that list.  The same thing happens on really fricking cold days, when the list also expands to include such nonsense as "zip up coat, put on ear warmers, put on gloves."  So, here I am, getting all this junk ready to get out of the car, and my ID badge stays safely locked away as I make the trek toward the building.  Since my list of things to do on the way out of the car was long enough, I don't even notice anything until I get to the door and can't open it.  Then, it's back to the car (looking like an idiot), to collect the badge.  

Looking like an idiot isn't so much of a problem...

Yeah, we noticed.  

...but on cold days, it involves spending WAY more time outside of the warm car and the warm building than is really necessary.  So, in order to minimize my time in the frigid air, I clearly need to park closer to the building.  

The Power of Parsley Compels You

Up until recently, I was completely unaware of the Power of Parsley

Oh yeah...that stuff's the best!  You can put it on the side of your pasta dish, or on the side of a steak, or on the side of some other dinners too!  

Sure, but did you know that it's actually useful too?

Parsley?  No...I wasn't even sure you were supposed to eat the stuff when it's used as a garnish.

Well, wonder no more!  Behold, Parsley Plus All Purpose Cleaner!  It's an earth-friendly cleaning solution which...and now I'm quoting here...Cleans with the Power of Parsley!  

I often wonder about various foods, and how it came to be that somebody actually decided to put it in their mouth.  Carrots and potatoes, for example, grow in the ground.  They're pretty difficult to find, leave alone figure out that they're tasty and good for you.  Then you get other weirder things like ginger root and Whatever This Thing Is.  Herbs are along the same lines.  Here's some grass-looking stuff that smells good when you crunch it up...let's make seasonings out of it!  I can't imagine how parsley came to be...it doesn't really smell like anything, or taste like anything.  I've never put it in a recipe and later pondered, "gee...should have used more parsley."  It's a completely nothing herb.  Sorry, parsley lovers of the world.  It's the sad truth for you. 

So how it happened that somebody realized they could extract the juice from parsley and use it to clean stuff is completely beyond me.  It apparently makes everything smell good, and it's vegan for those of you who drink your cleaning solutions.  (Editors note: We here at Jeremy Is In The Office do not condone the practice of drinking cleaning fluids, nor do we endorse any of them based on flavor)  All we know now is that parsley has some kind of magic power for cleaning.  I, for one, would like to see a graph showing the Power of Parsley as compared to say, the Power of Steam, Citrus, and Pine.  Let's go ahead and throw bananas in there too! 

26 Or So More To Go!

Happy New Year from Jeremy's Sametime Status!


Happy New Year, Jeremy.  You'll be pleased to know that I have a nice, long list of new year's resolutions for you.  First, you should resolve to start paying me.


Fortunately for me, I made a new year's resolution to never again make new year's resolutions.  Unlike everyone else's resolutions, I've managed to stick to mine.  It works well for me.


Secondly, you're going to resolve to write better Sametime Statuses.  We're off to a rough start, admittedly, but there's plenty of time left.  


Are you going to resolve to actually pay attention to the stuff I write here?


Why?  Nobody else does.  Third, you resolve to never again make a 4-day Theme Week on the Blag here.  We caught a lot of crap over Santa Week ending on a Thursday.    


Well, that one, I can probably do.  I don't think there were enough Theme Weeks in 2014 anyway.  We can work on that for 2015.  Everybody loves Theme Week.


Well...as much as they love any of the crap on here.  


Regardless, it's a whole new year, sure to be rife with amusing Sametime Status material for your edutainment.  We hope you're looking forward to is as much as we are.