What Is It That Keeps On Slipping?

It’s very convenient when your power comes back on at midnight.  You don’t have to reset any of your clocks

But you do have to put up with the blinking.  Also, your microwave just shows nothing until you reset the time, so you're stuck with that one, too.  

Well, if you want to take the fun out of everything, sure.

It's what I do. 

Thanks for that. 

You're quite welcome. 

So, needless to say, not long ago, there was a thunderstorm in the Greater Jeremy Area.  And as is invariably the case, when there is a thunderstorm, my power goes out.  I don't know why this is the case, but it is.  I've gotten used to it, and have even downloaded the power company's app to my phone to report outages.  I'm all 21st century up in here. 

So anyway, I'm not sure how long my power was out, since I was asleep for the entire duration, but I can tell you with complete certainty that the power came back on at precisely 12:00 AM.  I know this because all of my clocks were still right, but they were all blinking.  I found this to be remarkably useful, since I didn't have to go around figuring out what time it was and setting all of the clocks appropriately.  I just had to put them into set mode and back, and all was well.  This is especially good because that's about all my brain is capable of doing correctly when I first wake up in the morning.  

Go Look. It's True

There is a vast conspiracy to get me to open my cereal boxes backwards

Uhm...backwards?  Or are you just opening them upside-down so you can get to the toy faster?  

So I don't eat cereal very often, but when I do, it comes from a box.  I didn't quite realize just how much engineering went into the packaging and design of the box until recently when I stumbled upon the answer to an age-old question I had often pondered.  I've always felt that I was doing something wrong when I go to pour myself some cereal and I'm invariably left looking at the back of the box instead of the front.  Was it mere coincidence that this happens?  I say no!  The cereal company designed the box specifically to be opened so that when pouring, the front side of the box faces away from the pourer so others can see what cereal is being eaten.  Fact!  

Incidentally, I have this same problem with a coffee mug of mine, which I whine about ALL THE TIME.  You can ask people....it's true.  

Anyway...here's how they do it.  

So roughly 80-90% of the population is right handed, and thus would tend to pour cereal into a bowl using their dominant right hand.  So, it stands to reason that when opening the inner bag of a box of cereal, you would pull open the left side.  You use your right hand to tip the box to the left, cereal comes out.  Simple.  So why wouldn't it be a 50% chance which face of the box is facing you when you open the left-hand side?  Because the top flap, which is glued shut, is ALWAYS part of the front face.  The flap attached to the back face is the part that has the little slot in it.  Always.  The only way to open the cereal box is to turn it so the front side is facing away from you and slide your finger between the top two flaps to release the glue.  Once this is accomplished, you're left with little choice but to open the side the cereal company wants you to open, thus showing off the front face of the cereal box to the world.  You've now paid several dollars for a portable billboard for the cereal company, and all you get out of it is a part of a balanced breakfast. 

I Hope You Already Knew About This

I’m as outraged as you are that I haven’t mentioned the latest Bird Flu outbreak until now

Ladies and gentlemen.  It is our unfortunate duty here at Jeremy Is In The Office to occasionally break from the light-hearted frivolity you've come to expect here and pass along words of warning when the situation merits.  We've talked occasionally in the past about the upcoming Bird Flu pandemic, and it's time once again to issue a warning to you, the internets community, that we are again inching closer to a global pandemic nightmare.

That's right, everybody.  There is a new strain of Bird Flu currently ravaging the country of China.  Thousands of birds have been culled and/or removed from public areas in a vain attempt to contain the spread of the deadly H7N9 virus.  While there have been no documented cases of human to human transmission, it really is only a matter of time before that happens.  Six people have already died, with many many more still to come...should this disease strain break out into a full-blown pandemic.

Yes, we all know that it's coming, it's just a matter of when and if this strain is the one that will get us all.  I, for one, hope not...since the weather just started getting nicer.  But hopefully you're all prepared with your go bags and quarantine rooms ready to go.  Bird Flu is coming...will you be safe?  

Fun Facts Are Always True

Here’s a Fun Fact!  Barry Manilow did not write his hit song, “I Write The Songs.” 

This is actually true.  In fact, it was first recorded by The Captain and Tennille.  

So today's little bit of education and frivolity comes to you courtesy of some website I read the other day that had fun facts on it.  Over my travels, I've learned that most of the "Fun Fact" websites report fun facts that are not, in fact, facts.  One website claims that Toto made more money than Judy Garland for being in The Wizard of Oz, which is horrifically untrue.  I've learned to treat these fun facts as dubious claims and research them thoroughly before presenting them to you, my truth-loving audience.  

Because of this dedication to my craft, I can safely tell you that today's Fun Fact is entirely geniune.

Unlike every time you claim a statistic using 83%.

The song was actually written by famous songwriter/producer Bruce Johnston and recorded first by The Captain and Tennille, then by David Cassidy before Barry Manilow took his shot at it.  In fact, Manilow had to be convinced to record the song, since he had a mild objection to the lyrics at first.  I guess it worked out fairly well for him, as the single reached #1 on the Billboard charts in January of 1976. 

Do They Still Need Syrup?

Now I’m too nerdy to watch sitcoms.  It’s a sad day for comedy

At this point, I don't know if there's anything left that you're not too nerdy for.  I think maybe this is a sign.  

So last night, I decided to watch a little TV, and my remote alit upon the popular sitcom "Modern Family."  If you're not familiar with the show, becoming familiar with the show is left as an exercise for the reader.  What is important is that there was a segment of the show devoted to a series of poorly-conceived inventions created by one of the characters.  I forget what they all were, but one had to do with a Flaming Toaster, a coffee maker was involved, and another dealt with the concept of self-flipping pancakes.  The idea there was that if you add popcorn kernels to the pancake batter, the pancakes would flip themselves during the cooking process, and the spatula would be made entirely obsolete.  This would be Remarkably Unfortunate For Some.  I am forced to Call Bunk on this comedic gag. 

Here's my problem.

You only have one?

This popcorn-pancake (Or "Flipjack") invention has no prayer of working properly.  And that has nothing to do with the fact that you now have crunchy popcorn embedded in your fluffy pancakes.  It has to do with SCIENCE!  So, the best temperature for cooking pancakes is between 350 and 375 degrees F.  If you didn't know this, you know it now.  Everyone knows that if you turn the heat up too high on your griddle, you end up with black, charred, and bitter-tasting pancakes.  Ew.  Or else, you don't cook them as long, and the inside doesn't get cooked properly and you lose all fluffiness.  We all know that Fluffiness Is A Good Thing.  So, whether you realized it or not, you tend to cook your pancakes somewhere in that temperature range.  

Popcorn pops at 450 deg F.  Way beyond anything acceptable for pancake cooking.  So, you can't have it both ways.  Either your popcorn pops and flips your disgusting pancakes, or your delicious pancakes are cooked properly, but have rock-hard popcorn kernels embedded in them. 

My main problem, of course, is that I knew both of these numbers right off the top of my head and right in the middle of sitcom time.  I became more or less obsessed with the fact that proper pancake and popcorn temperatures differ by at least 75 degrees and I missed the next joke.  I need to stop watching sitcoms with scientific inaccuracies in them...or else, sitcom makers need to pay more attention to these types of things.  I pretty much doubt either of these are going to be the case.  

They're Pink Covers, Too

The Hawks have traded Jeremy to the Jets for a pair of skate blade covers  

Frankly, I'm a little surprised that the Hawks found a taker, even at that price.  Worst trade ever for the Jets.

So as some of you are doubtless aware, today is the NHL trading deadline.  The day that teams have to decide if they're still in it or not.  If they still have a chance, they can try to get one or two extra players to make a playoff run, or if they're out, they can jettison some overly-expensive player and save the money for the off-season.  

To be sure, a few high profile trades have already happened.  Jaromir Jagr has a new home in Boston, Robyn Regehr is headed to Hollywood, Jay Bouwmeestercan start singing the Blues, and Derek Roy, Michal Handzus, and Jordan Leopold all have new teams.  So who's left, and what's going to become of them?

Well, Mark Streit wouldn't mind getting off the Island, Roberto Luongo has been on the trading block since last year's playoff choke job, and teams are interested in 6'7" goalie "Big" Ben Bishop.  (It's pretty unfortunate to have both your first and last name starting with B when you're 6'7".  Your nickname is pretty much written on the wall at that point)  Will Derek Morris be part of YET another deadline deal, and will Brian "Soup" Campbell, who really hasn't been relevant since This Brilliant Piece Of Rick Jeanneret Announcing be heading out of the Sunshine State?  We'll all find out together!

Probably Not Vulcan

So I guess the government has to admit contact with extra-terrestrial life now

After years of discretion, there can no longer be any doubt about life on other planets.  It's a very exciting time to be alive.

So, as you probably saw on the news recently, the new microwave telescope designed and built by an international team of scientists started collecting data last week, and the first data revealed an unmistakably artificial pattern coming from a star 26 light years away.  This is the most definitive evidence ever that life exists on other planets, and in an impressively short time, too. 

So, for years there has been speculation that alien life has contacted earth, and even Landed In New Mexico, but the evidence has always been minimal, perhaps being kept quiet by the government.  That, of course, would be speculation and wild conspiracy theory.  But now we've finally come face to face with indisputable scientific evidence from an international consortium, so even if you were to believe the wild conspiracy theories about the government, it's pretty safe to assume that the secretive stance is about to end.  I hope you're just as excited as I am to watch the news coming in and wait for the greatest truly life-changing announcement of our generation.