Sasquatch Is Screwed

I’m too tall for the new ATM

Interesting.  I was not aware that there were height requirements.  

Neither was Tim Robbins, but he got to play Merlin.  

Wait, what?  

In Top Gun, Tim "Nuke" Robbins played Cougar's co-pilot, Merlin.  At 6'5", there is roughly no way he would actually fit inside an F-14 cockpit.  Anyway, more importantly, the bank recently installed a new ATM in my building at work.  It's tough to argue with the convenience, except to say that the old ATM used to accept deposits, so you could actually do more banking there, and the new one just spits out money, so it's actually now missing a feature, but whatever.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times I used that thing for deposits.  

The new ATM is significantly smaller, making it more energy efficient or something, and it's set back in a little recess.  This is all well and good until somebody who's over 5'6" tries to use the thing.  There's a technical term for people like that...we call them "Most People."  Average height for men in the US is 5'-9 1/2", 5'-4" for women.   Once your surpassaverage height, the screen disappears behind the machine casing, leaving you to bend over or squat or turn yourself at an odd angle to be able to use the machine.  However you do it, you end up looking pretty dumb. 

We call that "A Normal Day For Jeremy." 

Of course, I still have no idea why the bank felt the need to replace the old ATM with the new one, since it's actually less useful, but to replace it with one that I can't even use comfortably is just a little insulting.  So, to the bank that put the new ATM in my building, I give a hearty, "No Thanks!"  

And that will do it for another week, and Jeremy goes on vacation again.  Yes, he just got back from vacation.  Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow and next monday and Tuesday, returning Wednesday to fill all of your Sametime Status Needs.  Enjoy the long weekend!

English Remains Weird

When a lessor leases something to a lessee, it’s not called a lesson

No, it's certainly not.  What is it called?  

I actually don't know if there's a proper name for it, but there really should be.  I think it was supposed to be "Lesson," but that word was already taken.   

She Wasn't The Champion

We now return you to the regular junk that’s on TV

You know...it is still summer.  You're allowed to go outside.

Well, that's one part very true and another part exactly the reason I'm so far behind on my DVR.  This very nearly caused a major problem recently.  

So one of the shows that I do make a point to watch (One of like...two shows) is the USA program Burn Notice.  My sister hates it, but okay.  I realized not long ago that I was at least 3 episodes behind the current season due to not being home, going on vacation, or just generally not wanting to be sitting inside my TV room doing nothing.  As you may be aware, there was a major storm a couple weeks ago in the Greater Jeremy Area which knocked out the power to my house for about 14 hours...one of those hours was the hour in which Burn Notice airs.  Needless to say, that episode was not recorded.  Not long ago, I decided to catch up on this particular show, and as I got to one episode in particular, during the "Previously, on Burn Notice" section that they occasionally run at the beginning of episodes, I realized I didn't recognize some of the things that had happened.  I quickly paused the DVR to assess the situation.  Good thing I did, too...as mere seconds later was a MAJOR spoiler as to events in the episode I missed due to the power outage.  Disaster was averted, however, and I was free to enjoy the episodes as they were intended. 

I tell you this story now because, as many of you are doubtless aware, the Olympics are over.  The closing ceremony was last night, and I did actually watch about 90 seconds of it during which a questionably-clad singer who was clearly not Freddie Mercury was singing along with the other members of "Queen."  I decided that 90 seconds of this nonsense was enough, so I moved on.  On to the other fine television programming that's shown during the summer.  That lasted about another 2 minutes before I shut the TV off. 

They Should Give Me A Nickel For Listening To That Crap

In football, a Nickelback is seldom used.  If only the radio would see things the same way

Actually, Jeremy, Nickelbacks are used fairly often in obvious passing situations, to add a little more depth to the defensive backfield.

But that doesn't make the joke work, so just run with it.  

Running on a 6-man front is usually a good idea.  

So...Nickelback front-man Chad Kroeger is the Nicolas Cage of the pop music world.  He's laughably bad at what he does, yet inexplicably, nobody has taken him aside and told him to stop.

How bad is Nickelback?  They have their own page on Know Your Meme.

How bad is Nickelback?  The city of Detroit actually petitioned to have them removed from the halftime performance of last year's Thanksgiving Day NFL game.  

How bad is Nickelback?  One of those stupid "Can this ___ get more fans than ____" Facebook things was started in 2010, between Nickelback and a pickle, and the pickle actually won.  

So why is it this morning when my alarm clock wakes me up do I have to listen to Nickelback blaring some hoarse, repetitive, monotonic, drivel?  To my knowledge, this particular radio station has never played Nickelback during the morning show, and if this turns into a disturbing trend, I may need to find a new morning show to listen to while I'm laying in bed waiting for my brain to wake up. 

Still More Corny Jokes From Jeremy

A magician was driving down a road, then he turned into a driveway

Terrific.  Do one liner jokes ever get old?

I certainly hope not...because then I'll run out of material to use on days where I can't think of anything funny.  

We call those "Weekdays."

Actually, truth be told, I came up with a whimsical theme for a Sametime Status this morning, but it had a couple of flaws.  First, I wasn't familiar enough with the subject matter to really figure out how to tie the items together, and second...I couldn't figure out how to make a joke out of it.  The thought I had was a crossover between the recently popular "Fifty Shades" series of books and the slightly less recently but just as popular "Millennium" series of books ("The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" and all that).  Full disclosure, I've read the entire Millennium series, but haven't read any of the Fifty Shades...though I know people who have.  The idea I had was to somehow get Lisbeth Salander into a fan-fic sort of relationship with Christian Gray...but I ultimately realized that I had no idea how that would play out, so the whole concept sort of fizzled.  I'm a little disappointed, to be honest.   

More Corny Jokes From Jeremy

Early in the season, I’m batting .500 on corn

The Jeremy School of Investment relies on marginal bets on agricultural commodities.  Past results are no indication of future gains.  

Yeah, no.  I'm actually referring to something a little more close to home...literally and figuratively.  Yesterday was the first day of fresh corn season in the Jeremy household.  There's this farm market store nearby that sells local produce, and yesterday was the first time this summer that I've gone there looking for locally grown corn.  

Corn on the cob?  

Nope! 

So anyway, at dinner that night, I came to the realization that one of the ears of corn I had wasn't particularly good, but the other one was fantastic.  So, one out of two isn't bad...but that's about as long as I'll be keeping statistics.  

I Have To Do 17 More Of These?

Forget par, golf for value!  I shot 39 cents per stroke

Pretty sure nobody else looks at it that way.  

 Well, Ty Webb goes by height, so it can't be that unusual.

Wait, what? 

So last week was vacation week for Jeremy, and one of the activities that I like doing once or twice a year is playing a round of golf.  Like...real golf, not the mini-type, although that's good too.  I'm much better at mini golf, so it's not really noteworthy.  

Anyway, golf has it all wrong.  It's the only sport I can think of right now in which the lower your score, the better off you've supposedly done.  Racing doesn't count, because times are not scores.  That said, the logic is all wrong, from everybody's point of view.  Take, for example, the owners of the golf course.  They charge people a certain rate for a round of golf regardless of their golfing ability.  The more people the owners can channel through the course, the more money they make...which is fine...but the worse people are at golfing, the longer they take.  Good golfers breeze through a course and allow for higher profits, but they pay the same rate as atrocious golfers who effectively take money out of the course owners' hands.  When it comes to value, bad golfers win here.  

When it comes to course maintenance, it's pretty easy to see why the fewer strokes a player takes, the less they damage the course, and the less maintenance that needs to be done in terms of watering, filling divots, planting grass seed, etc.  Once again, the good golfers get the shaft here, since they do less damage to the course, yet pay the same fee as everyone else.  It makes more financial sense to be lousy at golf. 

And then, the most simple calculation of golf value, the player's.  I, for example, shot a round of golf in which I paid a total of 38.6 cents per stroke.  If I was a good golfer and actually shot par, that number would go UP to a whopping 54 cents per shot.  The more strokes you take, the more value you're getting for your hard-earned money.  I'm paying a certain amount for greens fees, and I feel like I should get as much enjoyment out of that money as possible.  It's the American Way!