Then Launch It Out Of A Cannon

Dunkin Donuts is missing a big opportunity by calling it a “Pumpkin”

Well, just so you know, I checked on Webster this morning, and the official term for a pumpkin is, in fact, "pumpkin."  Also, are you feeling okay?  You actually used the real name of a large, faceless, automatonic corporation.  Usually, you obscure those pretty transparently.

Well, in this case, I thought it was necessary.  Also, I'm not calling them out for being lousy or screwing something up.  They just used the wrong word in an advertisement for something that I may or may not buy.  I'm pretty impartial to pumpkin muffins and pumpkin donuts and pumpkin coffee and whatever else Dunkin' has decided to pumpkinify.  

It's surprisingly difficult to type the word pumpkin that many times in one sentence...in case you were wondering.

We weren't. 

So anyway, since Dunkin Donuts's advertising department has dropped the ball, I've decided to help them out in the form of a quick Blag post explaining how they should have done it in a manner that would have added whimsy.  The official tag line they're using is "Nobody Does Pumpkin Like Dunkin'".  What they should have done is take advantage of the shortened, folksy version of the word "Pumpkin" and made the catch phrase "Nobody Does Punkin' Like Dunkin'".  Of course, then Ashton Kutcher's lawyers would probably have something to say about that, but it makes the commercials sound better.  

You are welcome.

Almost Soothing

It’s just not the same unless my car is yelling at me

 Jeremy is a bad driver.  Do yourself a favor and stay off the sidewalks.

This has nothing to do with my driving abilities, which are perfectly acceptable, by the way.  This has to do with the pretty established notion that I am a creature of habit.  I settle into routines, arrange the bills in my wallet a very specific way, have some mild compulsive tendencies, and expect certain things to happen in a very certain way.  

One of those things is starting my car.  I have a routine.  I settle into the seat, start the car, put the seat belt on, then proceed merrily on my way.  One important part of this is the order of operations...start the car before seat belt.  I don't know why it goes this way, but I don't question it.  It has an unfortunate side effect, though.  Pretty much every car in creation nowadays has an alarm that starts to go off if you start the car without having the seat belt connected.  It's usually a pretty mild beeping that goes on while the car is going through its start-up cycle.  That noise has become so ingrained in my routine that if for some reason, I have my seat belt on before I start the car, I get concerned that there isn't an alarm going off.  The car's not supposed to not make a beeping sound at this stage of the game.

Nerdiest Post in a While

Star Trek united the world in pronunciation of the word “Data”

Ah, that nutty Star Trek.  Is there anything it can't do?

I'm sure there is, but we haven't found it yet.  

A while ago, before Star Trek: The Next Generation was on TV, there were two very distinct pronunciations of the word "Data."  There were those in the DAH-ta camp (with the AH as in "HAT", and those who went with DAY-ta.  Well, Star Trek changed all of that.  Brent Spiner portrayed the character of the lovable scamp of an android hoping to be a real boy named "Data."  

Well, the whole ToMAYto ToMAHto debate with Data was put to bed early on in the series in a whimsical exchange with Dr. Pulaski, as shown at the 20-second mark of THIS VIDEO.  

Whether you like Stat Trek or not, you have to admit that you really haven't heard anyone pronounce the word "DAH-ta" since. 

Blistery Memories

I haven't had a case of "Nintendo Thumb" this bad since before I actually owned a Nintendo

Today's post is to inform all of you loyal readers that Jeremy will be taking the rest of the week off for medical leave.  The soreness on his left thumb is too much to bear, and he is not able to press the space bar anymore.  The doctors have prescribed bed rest for 4 days.

Okay, well...part of that is true.  Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office for the rest of the week, but for entirely different reasons.  I'll actually be spending the rest of the week in an off-site training course, and I won't have access to my instant messenger, so there's really no sense in making new messages to use as a Status.  Which is a shame, because I had a really good one for tomorrow...I'll give you a hint:  It had something to do with Fire.

Anyway, to truly appreciate today's Sametime Status, the concept of "Nintendo Thumb" must be understood.  When playing an old-school Nintendo (Os the subsequent Playstation or X-Box), the left thumb manipulates a control pad or joystick.  While this can be done with a very light and simple motion, most video games are more engaging, and thus the pressure applied can become, albeit unknowingly, pretty substantial.  Extended periods of time applying this force can cause quite a bit of soreness in the left thumb, possibly even blisters, until the hand becomes accustomed to this type of action.  This soreness is known as "Nintendo Thumb."

It must also be understood that I never had a Nintendo when I was growing up.  I'm not sure how much this bothers me.  You have to factor in the fact that Nintendos were the only socially acceptable video game to have.  There's also the fact that I am made of suck at Nintendo-based video games.  It doesn't matter which ones...from Mario to Duck Hunt, Tetris to Contra...

Pause inserted here on account of you're all thinking "Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start"

I am terrible at all of them.  Now, give me a rousing game of "NHL Hitz" on my X-Box, and I'll beat the computer by 30 goals while ringing up 20 minutes in penalties and checking the goalie through the glass at least once.  (Yes, it's possible...and even legal in certain instances)  But that's beside the point.  The point is that because my thumb never got accustomed to Nintendo games, whenever I play my X-Box, I get Nintendo Thumb.  This is especially ironic considering I actually own a Nintendo now...a Wii, which does not have the Thumb affliction.  

So why were you playing video games so much that you caused this?

I was doing drywall work, which everyone knows is an iterative process.  You splatter on some joint compound, and play video games while you wait for it to dry.  Then you sand, apply more compound, and play video games while you wait for it to dry.  It's really pretty tedious, and damaging to your left thumb.  Anyway...see you all next week!

The Stock Will Tank

Starting in October, I’ll be charging a $5 per month subscription fee to read my Sametime Status

 Jeremy's Sametime Status, as well as Jeremy Is In The Office is on schedule to post record profits this year.  But, sadly, due to increased government regulation on text-based internet inanity, we have little choice but to pass the increased costs on to you, the Loyal Reader.  

Sorry, everybody...you know....it's the government that's doing it to us.  You see, the way the financials work on the Blag here, and on the Instant Messaging program at work, we collect $0.00 for every view we get.  It doesn't seem like a lot, but it adds up, and that's how we're able to bring you this type of entertainment on a daily basis.  Sure, the comedy already exists, but it's all inside my head.  In order for you to enjoy it, I have to maintain employment and log into a website.  That's not free.  

Well, the website is free, but that's entirely beside the point.  

So, now the government has decided to limit the amount of money I'm allowed to collect from these views to a measly $0.00, which is a change of almost or over 25%, depending on what you feel like making it.  In order to continue posting my record profits, I have to make up the difference somehow.  Also, LIR is demanding a 130% increase in his bonus package for this year, so in order to keep him around, I have no choice but to pay it.

I have to eat, you know.

Unfortunately, this means that this Blag here will become a subscription-based website starting next month.  The charge is only $5 a month, which really isn't much of a sacrifice at all, when you consider that your Netflix bill just went up by more than that, and they didn't increase their services, either.  Sure, you may point out that it would take over 84 visits per month* to ring up $5 in visiting fees (at $0.00 per hit), and that we may be over-charging you for this valuable service...but $5 is a nice round number, so we're going to go with that.  See you all (and your checkbooks) next week!

For the record, NO we are not going to start charging you to visit the website.  We're making light of Bank of America's recent decision to charge $5 per month to customers for using their debit cards to pay for things with their own money that the bank is already profiting on.  

*The 84 visits per month is an actual calculation of how many debit card transactions you'd have to make with a Bank of America debit card to equal the $5 fee based on the 6 cents less the government is allowing the bank to charge per transaction.  So unless you're using your debit card more than that, you're getting hosed.  If you're a current Bank of America customer, switch to a local credit union.  

This Doesn't Say Much For Me

Mints are great for your breath, but sometimes play games with your mind

Here is where we get a little insight into the vast empty abyss that is Jeremy's mind.  Careful...it can get slippery.

I'm not particularly proud of this story, but I can see the entertainment value, so I'm willing to put my pride on the line for you, the Loyal Readers.  

I have a car.  It's actually relatively new, so I don't really expect things to go wrong with it.  I know the horn is pretty lame, and there's a maintenance bulletin out about the gas cap, but for the most part things are still in pretty good shape.  I was a little concerned recently when I heard a rattling sound coming from the passenger side door whenever I'd hit a bump in the road (which given the road conditions in the Greater Jeremy Area, is pretty often), and this troubled me.  I shouldn't be having clunks or rattles with my car.  When I got to the parking lot at work, I opened up the passenger door and had a look around to try to find anything that might be loose or tucked into the cup holder or something that would be making a rattling noise.  I went around wiggling and shaking and bumping things trying to recreate the noise to no avail, the thing was solid as a rock.  

This process lasted at least a minute and a half before I gave up and started planning my rattle strategy.  But, of course, this strategy planning would have to occur inside, so I grabbed my laptop bag out of the passenger seat, where it always sits on my way to work.  Pulling the bag out caused a rattling noise inside the bag, where the little box of breath mints is tucked away inside the front zipper pocket.   It sounded strangely like the rattle I'd heard coming from the door on my commute.  

I felt a little like an idiot, but nothing out of the ordinary for me at that hour of the morning. 

That Will Leave A Mark

Biting the inside of your cheek:  The ultimate and ultimately annoying self-fulfilling prophecy

Go ahead and punch yourself in the face for a while, too.  It'll feel great when you stop.

So not long ago, I decided that I wasn't in enough pain, so I bit the inside of my cheek.  I did a terrific job on it, too, such that it left a mark and some swelling.  And yes, it hurt a little, but I'm manly, so I can't let it show.  

Now you did it...we're going to get letters...

The problem with doing this sort of damage to yourself is not that it hurts...it's that it leaves you in a position where it will continue to be annoying and hurt for the foreseeable future.  Approximately every 10 minutes since I originally went ahead and bit myself, the fact that the inside of my cheek is swollen causes me to bite on it again.  Now, I don't bite on it quite as hard as before, but it still hurts and is still remarkably annoying.  The only way to stop doing this is to stop doing this and let it heal, which I can't do, because I keep doing it.  GAH!