It clearly runs in the family

Is there anyone named "Cage" who isn't a hack?


I can't think of any off the top of my head. You'll provide numerous examples, I trust?


Yes, I will. The following people all have the surname "Cage" and are hacks:

• Michael Cage – Hack basketball player whose NBA career saw a whopping 7.3 points per game scoring average. (In all fairness, he did lead the league in rebounds once, in 1988. Easily the best accomplishment on this list.)
  
• Christian Cage – (Real name is Jason Reso...he choose the name "Cage" because he was a hack) Hack pro wrestler who has basically failed out of every wrestling organization he's ever been in.
  
• John Cage – Hack musician whose most famous work (and I am Not Making This Up) is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence. He also wrote another piece called "As Slow As Possible, or ASLSP for short, which is currently being performed in Halberstadt, Germany. The performance started in 2001 and is scheduled for a duration of 639 years. The next time a note will change is July 5, 2010.
  
• Johnny Cage – Hack video game character in the Mortal Kombat series. You know you're a hack fighter when your signature move is Punching Your Opponent In The Groin.
  
• Nicolas Cage – Hack actor who has successfully sleepwalked his way through another film, scheduled for release this week to much fanfare and lukewarm (at best) reviews.
  

It's not a question of "if"

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset! Arizona over Utah, Northern Iowa over Purdue, Wisconsin over Florida State, or Western Kentucky over Illinois


Have you gone mad?


Yes I have....for March Madness!


Okay, seriously...you don't like basketball.


Not the point.

As we've learned over the time we've been blagging together, we've learned that I'm very susceptible to peer pressure. Therefore, when the NCAA Squeekball tournament rolls around in March every year, I get roped into filling out at least one or two of those bracket thingies. I have absolutely no idea what teams are any good, who's been playing well lately, and what team that Tyler guy I'm apparently supposed to know plays for.

I know one fact about the NCAA tournament, and that is that the 12-5 matchup is a statistically significant outlier. You expect the percentage of upsets to increase as you go down the bracket...a #16 team roughly never beats a #1 seed, but a #9 seed quite often takes down a #8. That upset percentage is roughly linear, with one substantial bump at the #5 seed. It's cursed. A #12 seed upsets a #5 more often than they statistically should. That, my friends...is the extent of my NCAA basketball knowledge. Therefore, when I fill out my peer-induced bracket, I will include a peer-induced 12-5 upset based on votes by you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World.

I don't feel any unluckier

I’m not Irish. I will not magically become more Irish if you keep pinching me. So STOP IT!


Not wearing green today, are you?


I am not. It has little to do with the fact that I'm not Irish...I just don't usually wear green clothes. I'm not even sure I have any green clothes other than THIS SHIRT. Despite the fact that I am an engineer, that shirt's not really appropriate attire for work.

The whole nonsensical statement that "Everybody's Irish on March 17th" is perpetuated largely by the makers of fine Irish beers and liquors in order to entice more people to buy their product, if only for one day out of the year. Even though it will probably work, it won't change the taste if I happen to be wearing a green shirt while drinking it.

My official St. Patrick's Day Stance: I'm not Irish, but I'll still drink Guinness.


Good enough for me.

Not me...the guy driving

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: "I Am A Fat Pig"


Seriously? Somebody had this as a bumper sticker?


I am deeply saddened to report that this is 100% true. I saw this bumper sticker on the back of somebody's car about a week ago.

Of course, I started to overthink and futilely tried to come up with some reason that somebody would actually want this message to be the one they send to the world of people driving behind them. Maybe it has some deeper meaning...like the social commentary on Americans at large and he's trying to be ironic by turning the hatred around into pride. Or maybe he's really fat and rolls around in mud. I really have no idea.

Theme Week, Part 5

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Eat room-temperature chicken out of a vending machine. CHECK!


Not only is this arguably the most disgusting thing you've ever put on the Blag, but it's irresponsible and hypocritical to boot...what with your being a Bird Flu activist and all. What's up?


It's not as bad as it sounds, really. We're going on the assumption that the chicken was fully cooked before being vacuum-sealed in easy-to-vend form.

I often like to go on little "Vending Machine Adventures" which usually amount nothing more than trying whatever new flavour of chips happen to show up that week. (Hint: Avoid the "Bravos" Sweet Pepper tortilla chips at ALL costs) It's fun to try new things, and it costs about 75 cents, so even if it's atrocious, you're not out all that much.

Not long ago at lunch, I walked past the vending machine full of chips and candies and such, when something new caught my eye. It wasn't a bag of chips, as such, but it was in the chip location. No, it was a bag of jerky...but not standard beef jerky or even turkey jerky like you may all be thinking. It was Buffalo flavoured chicken jerky nuggets. The initial though horrified me at first...and the $1.00 cost of the bag didn't help matters, but a couple generous sadists coworkers helped out with the financing (more of a dare than anything else, I imagine) and the bag only cost me 40 cents.

The dining experience wasn't the greatest. While the things eventually had a decent flavour, the stringy texture of room temperature chicken jerky was more than a little off-putting.

Bottom line...I did not contract Bird Flu or Salmonella from the experience, and I learned a little more about what not to do at a vending machine. I call it success!

Theme Week, Part 4

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Write a Top-40 Song that actually makes the Top-40. NOT CHECKED


Welcome back! How was training?


It was interesting. Some contradictions and fuzziness from the instructors, but I like to think that I've gained the general concepts of the material, and I even managed to include a Bird Flu reference into our practice exercise.


Very thoughtful of you. A new audience made aware of the dangers.


I thought so. Now, to talk about today's Message.

There is a very standard cry in just about every era that new music sucks. As cliche and annoying as that complaining is, it's never been more true than it is today (and yes, I'm including 90's cheesey techno in that assessment). Here's why. Music, just like everything else, has become a multi-billion dollar industry built around the same "growth economy" principles as any other industry you can find. The idea that the company has to make more sales than it did in the previous quarter prevails over all else, because if there's no growth, the stock price goes down. Like any other industry, there are two alternatives...either bring in more money, or spend less. This forces labels to try to squeeze as much music out of the same number of musicians for as little money as they can.

The end result, is a band being essentially forced to produce a CD of songs that may or may not represent the best work that band can do, simply because they're under a deadline and have to get the CD out or violate the terms of their contract. Another option is to be essentially blacklisted from the recording industry until they put out that last stipulated disc. More often than not, the final product is inferior craftsmanship from otherwise supremely talented artists.

Today's rant comes to you courtesy of the rock group "Candlebox" and their newest CD "Into The Sun." I like "Candlebox," and their 1993 CD "Candlebox" is impressive in both musical ability and range of styles. However, in 15 years, they've managed to re-release the exact same song with different lyrics and call it new music. Don't believe me? HERE ARE a couple of LINKS TO CHECK OUT which will help you see my side of things. Pay close attention to the songs "Stand" and "You," and I think you'll get the idea.

If this is all it takes to make a Top 40 song ("You" hit #6, and "Stand" peaked at #15), then there really should be nothing stopping me from getting up there too.

Theme Week, Part 3

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Record the voiceover for an Infomercial. NOT CHECKED


Infomercials? That would be a change of pace.


I know! I've been practicing saying things like "...but WAIT, there's MORE!" and "AMAZING" for years now, and I think I'm ready to break into the big time.

Infomercials are truly amazing things. They show you how the simplest everyday activities can be incredibly cumbersome if you don't have some company's product, or how you can save time by spending time to prepare things for a company's product. For example, everyone's seen the "Snuggie" commercial, where the lady on the couch makes a complete production out of spreading a blanket over her legs, and then falls all over herself trying to answer a phone. If anybody is truly this uncoordinated, they probably won't be able to dial the phone to buy a Snuggie in the first place, but that doesn't matter...the solution to YOUR life is a moronic-looking blanket with sleeves. Also, there's the "Magic Bullet" infomercial where you can make fruit smoothies in 10 seconds as long as you have fruit already cleaned, peeled and sliced small enough to fit into a miniature blender. Since the only things you ever eat in the first place are of a consistency somewhere between paste and liquid, this little wonder can do ALL of your meal preparations for you. The list goes on. I honestly don't know how much money the makers of these worthless remarkably effective products make, but it's got to be small potatoes compared to the earnings of the Infomercial Talent themselves...and it's my time to get in on it!

One important thing to note is that I'm not looking to take down Ron Popeil or Billy Mays, or that headset-wearing chump selling the "Slap Chop." I don't need to be the front-man for any of this stuff. I'm perfectly content being the voiceover guy that tells you how to order.

Here's Ron Popeil doing his own voiceover work for "Mr. Microphone" (Makes a perfect Christmas Gift...apparently):