They've Already Taught Her How To Pronounce "Benghazi"

A star from the movie “Clueless” is now a Fox News anchor.  Make up your own jokes, everybody.  This one’s too easy

If people are making their own jokes, why should they come back to the Blag?  

I guess that's a valid point.  I should actually write a joke or something here, right?  

Well, considering your jokes are terrible, with the obvious exception of The Skeleton Joke, estimates vary.

So, we all know the movie "Clueless."  It starred Alicia Silverstone, was based on a Jane Austen novel (always the sign of quality), and spawned a sitcom that lasted all of three seasons.  It was about three seasons too many.  

Anyway, another of the stars of the movie was Stacey Dash.  Stacey has since become something of a conservative gasbag, loosely supported various racist causes, and hyperbolically spoken out against the Obama administration.  Once you have these levels of credentials, there's only one place to go...right-wing cable news channels!  

Enter Fox News.  

The bastion for racist, hyperbolic, conservative gasbags has hired Ms. Dash to be a "News" anchor to allow her to provide "cultural analysis and commentary across various daytime and primetime programs."  This means that the network that brought you an anchor asking why we should care what celebrities think about topics, immediately followed by a guest appearance by Hank Williams Jr, is going to ask another lukewarm celebrity her stance on the issues of the day.  This ought to bring a whole new level of credibility to the broadcast, and I, for once, am looking forward to it! 

I Hope He Got Change

Here’s a Fun Fact!  Rapper 50 Cent is left handed, and terrible at throwing a baseball

So maybe he's right handed?

So, it's baseball season!  Which means a couple things.  First, it's not wabbit or duck season, and the parade of celebrities being trotted out to baseball diamonds all around the world continues to dig deeper and deeper into the barrel.  Some of them are Remarkably Good, some are just More Interesting Than You'd Expect, and others are Truly Awful. 

Well, recently, recording artist and whatever else he pretends to do 50 Cent threw out the first pitch at the Mets game.  The Results Were Not Stellar. 

And Still Nobody Knows What "Zing Boom Tararrel" Means

Not sure if I approve of “The Beer Barrel Polka” as hockey music or not

People drink beer at hockey games all the time.  Presumably, it comes in kegs, which resemble barrels.  I vote yea!  

So recently, I was watching hockey.  I know, I know...it happens on occasion, really.  Specifically, I was watching the Western Conference Finals match between the Los Angeles Kings and the Chicago Blackhawks.  At one point in the game, the organist (and it really is an organist...it's not all pre-recorded music) started playing the Beer Barrel Polka.  

What's weird about this is that it wasn't the "Roll out the barrel..." part of the song that everybody knows.  The organist started playing the song from the beginning.  The beginning of the song, As Seen Here with some absolutely astounding outfits being worn.  

Let's be honest...what's weird is how quickly you recognized it.  

Granted, that was a little strange.  At first, I thought it was the Pennsylvania Polka, which would have made even less sense during a hockey game in Illinois, but quickly realized that I was mistaken.  

Either way, I'm not sure how I feel about this song being used as hockey music.  We've discussed this sort of thing before, specifically about awful songs that most certainly do not make good hockey music, but we've never specifically discussed polkas.  I guess I just never expected it to come up, really.  I guess as long as everybody enjoys it, go for it, Blackhawks organist, Frank Pellico!  Roll out that barrel! 

Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office on monday in observance of Memorial Day.  Enjoy your holiday and we'll see you all on Tuesday. 

The Road Will Be Sticky For Weeks

20 Million bees escaped a truck in Delaware.  Where’s Nicolas Cage when you need him?

So Jeremy is under the impression that "National Treasure"'s National Treasure Nicolas Cage has some extraordinary talents when it comes to beekeeping.

Or, I'm bringing to mind the infamous torture scene from The Wicker Man in which serial over-actor Nicolas Cage is forced to wear a cage over his head into which a swarm of bees are poured.  One or the other.

Let's Watch!

So as funny as it is to watch the hack Nicolas Cage ridiculously ham it up amidst a flurry of bad CGI, today's Sametime Status is based on a not so funny true story.  A semi truck filled with honey bee hives (and the associated bees...some 20 million of them) overturned in Newark Delaware.  The bees escaped and were a giant swarm around the highway for quite some time while beekeepers and firemen were called in from all over the state to deal with the problem. 

Now, the question becomes, would you rather drive through a swarm of 20 million angry bees, or watch a Nicolas Cage movie?  Tough call, I know....

What Have We Learned?

Was forced to get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning because of a pile of papers.  Hopefully, this doesn’t go too badly

So how's that going for you, Jeremy?

So far, three computer reboots, a re-installation of four pieces of software, and a link to a training course I was supposed to take online leading me to a log-in page entirely written in Chinese.  (I wish I was making that last one up)  And now, I have to go home and clean my room because I just piled up all the junk mail yesterday and didn't do anything about it.  

Grr. 

Only 2 Pairs of Birkenstocks

In the all-organic food store, I feel like “Paper or plastic?” is a trick question

Jeremy has gone green in his new attempt to become a dirty hippie.  This includes all organic foods and only showering once per month, whether he needs it or not.  

Uhm, no.  The real explanation for this makes a little less sense.  

So not long ago, I found myself with a little time to kill, and I was in the vicinity of an organic foods market that I was told about a little longer ago.  Rather than doing just about anything else, I decided to check out the market and see just what types of things are available in organic form for merely three times the price of the exact same items I can get at any grocery store.   

But aren't you concerned about organic growth, and ridding your body of toxins?

Since the people who talk about the "toxins" in regular food don't know what they're talking about and only use the word "toxins" to describe everything they don't understand, I'm not all that concerned about it, no.  I'm actually okay with a farmer who makes his living growing food and would be out of a livelihood and probably in jail if he does so improperly work with scientists who have degrees in chemistry and human physiology to make safe food, and not let some guy in a headband talking about how organic is the way to go ruin it for me.  

Regardless, the person I had talked to some time ago who recommended this particular store to me very specifically called out the organic bananas sold there as being the best bananas he had ever had.  

BANANA!!!!!

So, at the very least, I thought I'd try some organic bananas.  They only cost 3 1/2 times as much as they do in my regular grocery store.  I also found organic dog food, which is among the more ridiculous things I've ever seen in my life, and I own a copy of "Plan 9 From Outer Space."  

At the end of my trip, and I ended up purchasing two other things in addition to the bananas (mostly to make the trip seem less worthless), I was offered the choice between paper and plastic bags.  Frankly, I'm a little surprised that the option to use plastic bags is even there.  If people are so concerned about health and the earth and organic nonsense, shouldn't they frown upon plastic bags, even if you promise to recycle them?  I'm sure the cashier was silently judging me for not having my own reusable cloth grocery bags, and I didn't want to make things any worse.  I opted for a paper bag.  I'll still recycle it...honest. 

Kirk Would Never Do This

Every time my computer asks if I want to delete data, I envision a sad Brent Spiner

Why do you want to make Brent Spiner sad?  He never did anything to you!

I'm sorry, Mr. Spiner.  You were a television staple for me for a long time as Lt. Commander Data on Star Trek, The Next Generation (Also called simply "Next Gen" or "TNG"...pronounced 'Ting').  But the fact remains, occasionally, I delete old stuff from my computer.  It's nothing personal. 

There are a handful of programs that I use frequently on my computer to manage data, both incoming and outgoing.  One of them routinely displays a pop-up window asking, "Are you sue you want to delete data from your computer?" or something to that effect.  Whenever this happens, in my head, a picture of a sad Lt. Commander Data pops up as if to ask, "why would you want to delete me?"  It's like that episode where Commander Riker had to prove that Data was a Star Fleet asset and not a sentient being in order for Picard to save Data's life.  (It was a little more complicated than that, but if you've seen the episode, you know what I'm talking about.)  

Of course, I realize that during the series' run, Data had no feelings.  They were introduced in a handful of episodes, and provided on a more permanent basis in the subsequent movies, but for the most part, emotions were not part of Data's programming.  As such, the concept of a "Sad Data" is a bit of a stretch, but I'm okay with that, apparently. 

Also: Global Warming

The lamestream media is lying to us!  A guy on the radio this morning said that Nailz was one of the Nasty Boys.  

Okay, people.  Before Jeremy explains this nonsense to you, stop whatever the heck you're doing right now and Watch This Video!  It will be the greatest part of your day.  Now, on to the second greatest part of your day....

So we hear a lot these days about media bias.  There's left bias, right bias, liberal bias, conservative bias, a bias toward fairness (A term that I needed TV's Will McAvoy to explain to me, saying "Bias towards fairness means that if the entire Republican Congressional Caucus were to walk into the House and propose a resolution stating that the Earth was flat, the Times would lead with 'Democracts and Republicans Can't Agree on Shape of Earth'.").  The end result is that everyone has their own set of doubts about various media sources.  This distrust gives rise to new terms like "Lamestream media," which is basically every standard media outlet who is apparently too blinded by corporate profits to actually be able to report facts.  

Well, included in this is now the radio station in the Greater Jeremy Area which plays the morning show I listen to while getting ready to go to work in the morning.  Granted, they're a comedy show, but that doesn't mean they're allowed to distort the facts for their own purposes.  Lately, they've been playing a call-in game where the listener is presented a name, and they have to guess whether that person is a professional wrestler or an adult film performer.  Not the most wholesome game ever, but we don't judge here.  

Jeremy's three for three so far this week.  

So, after playing this morning's edition of the game, one of the hosts went on to talk about the professional wrestler Nailz.  Portrayed by Kevin Wacholz, Nailz was the short-lived WWF persona of a former convict who was released from prison and was out to seek retribution from the former prison guard, "The Big Boss Man" as played by Ray Traylor.  He was fired from the WWF shortly thereafter following a physical altercation with owner Vince McMahon.  Everyone knows this.  Well...everyone except for the radio host, apparently, who described Nailz as one of the Nasty Boys.  This is inexcusable.  The Nasty Boys were, of course, an enduring tag team consisting of Brian Knobbs, Jerry Sags, and nobody named Nailz.  

I'm going to have trouble believing anything this radio host has to say from now on.  Geeze...

Vote Jerkface!

Hooray!  Election robo-calls to my office have begun!

Well, it is an even-numbered year.  So, these and every odd-numbered years are election seasons.  

Robo-calls suck.

An aspiring politician simply needs to record a message once, using at most 5 minutes out of their day, and then they turn things over to a machine.  The machine systematically calls everybody in creation, playing the recorded message and "spreading the word" about the politician and everything that the politician's opponent does wrong.  Everybody hates robo-calls, but in true politician fashion, the campaigner ignores what everybody wants and simply does whatever he or she thinks will get them elected.  

Usually, in election season (which is now every season...thanks, 24-hour "news" networks), these robo-calls are met with different reactions based on which political party the listener belongs to.  If they, for example, are a member of the Republican party, and the robo-call is from a member of the Democratic party (in the 1.7% likelihood that the listener is even aware of the party affiliation), the call is immediately the subject of rage and phone screaming, even though (in true political form), nobody is listening.  The same goes vise versa for opposite affiliations.  If the listener's political party matches that of the robo-call, the same level of rage is obtained, but directed at the caller's political opponent.  The end result is the same, really...the listener is enraged and yelling at the phone.  It's interesting to note that the subject of the call, or any relevant "facts" stated within are entirely irrelevant.  The voter has already made up their mind who they're going to vote for, why, and what they are going to believe in terms of information presented.

In the last election cycle, I was fortunate enough to only receive robo-calls to my office phone.  Perhaps my cell phone is unlisted, or on a no-call list or whatever.  I'm okay with that, and don't really want to bring attention to the fact.  Fortunately, for the sake of my office phone's health, the barrage of calls (3-6 calls every day) stopped immediately after the election.  What followed was a period of campaign-free bliss that was sure to be short-lived.  Well, that period of bliss ended on May 12, a mere 5 months and 3 weeks before the next election.  I didn't pay enough attention to learn who the call was for.  I should have, though.  My idea for this coming election is to tabulate the number of robo calls I get from each politician and cast my vote for whoever calls me the least in each race.  There are plenty of people who will use worse methods to determine their elected officials. 

Don't Ask About The Girl From Norway

Happy Limerick Day, everybody!  There’s no way this ends well  

Keep it clean, people.  

So, today is Limerick Day, which has nothing to do with the nuclear (pronounced: NOO cue ler) power plant in southeast Pennsylvania.  It's a day to celebrate poetry!  But not just any poetry...the Dane Cook of poetry forms, the Limerick!  

It's also a terrible excuse to post my favorite poem...the author of which is entirely unknown to me.  I could probably look it up, but I'm not that concerned.


There once was a man from Nantucet
Who got on a train to Boston
This poem doesn't rhyme
And the last line is missing


You'll have to just imagine me snapping my fingers together. 


Thank you.  Thank you. 

Next: Cajun Fries

Day 3 of my car smelling like Buffalo Wings

That's either the worst, or kind of the best.  I can't decide.

Very true.  It actually depends on a number of things, including the time of day and your current level of hunger.  First thing in the morning, it's not great.  On your way to get lunch, amazing.  After a volleyball game when your teammates invite you to a buffalo wing restaurant for a post-game drink/snack, a little redundant.   

I don't know how long it takes for Buffalo Wing smell to leave a car on its own.  As such, this is turning into a little impromptu science experiment.  I meant...I have one of those smelly things that clips to the air vent to make the car smell nice, but it's dead.  I have another one in the console, but it's not opened and I apparently can't be bothered to install it just yet.  So now...we wait. 

Speaking of waiting, Jeremy will be on vacation tomorrow, so there will be no new Sametime Status.  Sorry to disappoint.  Either that, or you're welcome, depending on what side of the coin you fall on.  Either way, Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office tomorrow, returning May 12 with all new stuff!  Happy weekend, everybody! 

It's A Pretty Big Store

Contrary to what the commercial said, my grocery store doesn’t have a “Potato Aisle”

Well, certainly they sell potatoes.  Aren't they in an aisle?

Of course my grocery store sells potatoes.  They're in the Produce Section, roughly never referred to as "The Potato Aisle."  However, today's rant deals with something a little more specific.  

I saw a commercial recently for pre-packaged home fries that you dump in a pan, fry to a crispy golden brown and enjoy.  I've actually had them before, and they are pretty good.  I won't take that away from them.  They're made by a company that, for strictly blag purposes, we'll call "Famished John."  This company makes a variety of potato-based (or is that potatoe-based?) foods, ranging from mashed potatoes to scalloped potatoes to au gratin potatoes to au gratin potatoes with bacon...you get the idea.  If you go to your local grocery store, all of "Famished John"'s products can be found within 5 feet of each other, since they're all the same genre of foods.  In my store, they're found in an aisle which also contains Asian cooking products, Latin cooking products, rice, beans, salsa, tortillas, every canned vegetable (save tomatoes), and Spam.  If I had to give a name to this aisle, I wouldn't be able to do it, since the variety of items defies a single naming convention.  The store got it right, calling it "Aisle 7.**"

**I don't actually know if it's Aisle 7 or a slightly different number.  I'm guessing here a little bit, but my point remains valid.

At no point in this determination had it ever crossed my mind to refer to this aisle as the "Famished Jack Aisle."  "Famished John"''s items make up less than 8.3% of the overall available products in the aisle, not even a plurality, as that title would almost certainly go to that soup company that makes all of those pre-packaged noodle and rice sides, or else "Shrub"'s Baked Beans, simply due to sheer variety of beans and mixtures thereof.  There is more shelf space in this aisle devoted to salsa than there is to "Famished Jack."  To try to convince somebody to refer to this aisle as the "Famished John" aisle would be ambitious at best, hyperbole at worst.  

Yet, there they are at the end of the commercial.  The nice folks at the potato factory, telling me to look for their products "In the 'Famous John' Aisle."  This is a reach, folks.  This is a little too self-serving for me.  Do they either expect me to believe that I should be referring to an aisle of the grocery store that contains hundreds of products by the brand name of half a dozen of them, or do they believe that there are stores out there that carry so many of their products that they actually take up an entire aisle?  I'd almost like to see that store...I like potatoes. 

Also: Duck Calls!

Changing my name to Bill so I can open up a combination check cash/hat store named “Bill’s Bills and Bills”

Then later changing the name of this Blag to "Bill Is In The Office."  

So..uhm.  Pretty self explanatory joke today.   Have a good weekend, everybody! 

I'm Probably A 6 or 7 Out Of Ten

I’m curious about whether or not there are actually professional hand-washers out there

There are some weird jobs around.  I don't know how much this would surprise me.  

So, while it's not quite on the level of Dog Food Tester (53% of them have a PhD, and all of them have to taste the dog food to test it) or Hair Boiler (quite literally boils vats of animal hair to make it curly for every reason you need curly animal hair), professional hand washer would be a weird job.  

I suppose somebody out there has to test new hand soaps to see if it cleans your hands and leaves them smelling nice without drying out your skin, but that doesn't seem like it would need to be a full-time job.  It's really only relevant when a company produces a new kind of soap.  I don't know how often that is.  Doctors and nurses wash their hands a lot (did you know that in order to disinfect your hands, you're supposed to sing "Happy Birthday" TWICE while lathering?  Over 5 minutes if you're prepping for surgery), but their job is certainly not "hand washer."  They have other responsibilities which are more important which simply require clean hands to accomplish.  As far as I know, nobody goes to work for 8 hours a day washing their hands constantly in order to accomplish...something...generate data, perhaps.  

Yet, I walk into public bathrooms and I see "Professional" soap dispensers on the sink.