Not My Idea

Vacation was so nice, I think I’ll take it twice

Seriously, Jeremy.  You've been back for two weeks.  You're going on vacation again?

Well, as was alluded to before, this one isn't entirely my idea.  See, there's a mandatory furlough thing happening at work here, so I have to take a week off.  That threw a giant spanner in the works in terms of my weekend plans, and the net result is that it just ended up making more sense to just take next week off, then be furloughed for a week.    As such, today is my last work day until September.  

While it saddens me that I'll be spending the next 2-plus weeks depriving you of your daily fix of Sametime nonsense, it saddens me a little more that my paycheck is going to suffer a little bit here.  That may sound a little selfish, but it's the reality of the situation on my end.  What it definitely means is that I'll have to come back after Labor Day and work twice as hard creating jaunty, amusing Sametime Statuses for you all to enjoy.  And maybe work a little bit, too....I guess.  

See you all in September!

Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office from August 17th until September 2.  He will be checking messages periodically, returning on Tuesday, September 3rd with all new Sametime Statuses.

I'm Thinking Oscars

Jeremy’s Screenplay:  In a post-apocalyptic world with an energy crisis, children intentionally misbehave to get coal from Santa in “The Legend Of Kringle” 

God save me, I actually almost want to see that movie.  

Well, before you make up your mind, do note that it's not the silly action romp you may be thinking.  It's actually much darker.  I'm shooting for a PG-13 rating at minimum, since some scenes contain graphic violence, coarse language, and disturbing images.  

The MPAA can go home for the day, I guess.

So, in a far-off dystopian future, the war-ravaged remains of earth's civilizations stand: crumbling buildings, ash-darkened skies, and wandering nomadic tribes of people huddled around burning barrels with fuel running low.  Long ago, the internet and virtually all books and records were destroyed, and the lines between factual history and urban legend have been blurred.  New religions have sprouted up based on passed-down stories of times gone by.  People worship the saviors of olden times, including Jesus, Vishnu, the Elements, and Tom Hanks.  Classic fairy tales and morality stories have taken on truth as people tell the verses of Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel, and Alice in Wonderland, believing the events the same way we now believe the fantasized lives of cowboys and medieval knights.  One story in particular, has developed a wide band of followers.  The story of a benevolent old man from the north who donates toys to needy children once every year...the Legend of Santa Claus.  

Hopeful that Kris Kringle, "Kringle," as he is known, survived the war and has passed his mantle down to an apprentice waiting for worthy followers, a nation of young people (not unlike the Neverland kids in Disney's "Hook," but far less cartoony) realize their need is not for charity and distractions, but for survival.  The classic tale of Kringle contained a clause (for obvious reasons, we will avoid use of the word "clause" in the film itself) wherein misbehaving children will receive a stocking full of coal on Christmas Eve.  Knowing that the coal is the difference between life and death for themselves and their families (See?  The film has a heart, too), and knowing there are merely 12 days left until Christmas (We'll throw that one in there, just to see if anyone in the audience gets it), the kids, led by a main protagonist (I'm thinking "The Walking Dead"'s Chandler Riggs) go on a crime spree unequaled in cinema.  We see the aftermath of these actions...entire cities on fire, beaten people lie dying in the street, explosions ring out in the distance, gangs of children mercilessly beating random people with bats and chains, tire tracks weaving around a trail of bodies...it's really quite gruesome, which is where we get our PG-13 rating...maybe even stretching into R territory.  Snow starts to fall, and the angry mob settles, knowing that it's Christmas Eve, and they've done all they can.  Our hero returns to his home, says his last prayers to Kringle and goes to bed, too anxious to fall asleep, jumping at every random noise, and counting the minutes until December 25th and the salvation of his society. 

Needless to say, Chandler wakes up on Christmas morning not to a stocking full of coal, but to a despondent family who has lost all hope.  Our hero, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, returns to bed, reaches below and pulls out a small book....we zoom in on the cover..."The Easter Bunny."  Fade to black. Roll Credits.

Later on, we can start buzz for the sequel, "The Legend Of Kringle II: The Search For Santa" in which a slightly older Chandler leads an expedition to the North Pole to find out what ever became of "Kringle."  

Gaussian Distribution Of Height

When somebody says “Jump,” don’t ask “how high?”  Just jump as high as you can

It does seem to be a good approach, though perhaps not as efficient as it could be.

That's about the only problem with my system, I think.  But when you compare it to all of the problems it solves, ultimately, I think it's worth it.  Here's what I mean.

It's a fairly common phrase, when somebody is trying to assert their superiority over you, they will say, "When I say jump, you ask how high."  This makes no sense.  First of all, the whole point is to eliminate any semblance of insubordination.  But, by its very nature, it's inviting you to question authority.  The command "Jump" isn't good enough for you, you need to go and get a clarification before you do, rather than simply jumping and getting the whole thing over with.

Secondly, asking the question only serves to force micromanagement of your position.  Not only do you need to be told to jump, but you're not competent enough to know how high you're supposed to jump.  What else don't you know how to do without specific guidance?  Do you need help with the cover sheet on your TPS report?  Micromanagement is annoying, probably for both sides, so there's no need to bring this on yourself.  First of all, know enough about jumping to know when to do it, then have at least a rudimentary understanding of why jumping is required and you should be able to figure out for yourself how high of a jump is necessary.  That's the way to get ahead in life.

Finally, asking how high to jump reinforces the notion that  you're only interested in doing the absolute bare minimum amount of work involved to get the job done.  You should want people to think of you as a go-getter, who's willing to go the extra mile to get the job done.  If the job is jumping, and you want to know how high, it implies that you only want to jump as high as necessary.  Sure, maybe you plan on adding an inch or two to your jump just to be on the safe side, but how is anyone else supposed to know that?  You could announce your intentions, but not only would that cement the belief that you're doing the minimum (plus a little extra), but it also puts extra time and talking in between the command to jump and the actual jumping.  This is probably completely contrary to what the person actually wants when telling you to jump.  

Your best bet when being told to jump is to not worry about how high you need to jump, just jump as high as you can.  If the minimum requirement was a small jump, then you have far exceeded expectations, showing that you're a team player and an extra-effort kind of person.  This is good.  If your jump wasn't high enough, you can't blame yourself for not trying, and you can't blame your lack of understanding of the issue.  All you can do is admit to yourself that your jumping ability is not sufficient for the task, and either try to improve or admit defeat.  Your response to that says a lot about you, and the person telling you to jump's reaction says a lot about them as well. 

 

Now Who Do We Mess Around With?

In a bit of Revisionist History, Jim Walker and Leroy Brown teamed together to go back and beat up Willie “Slim” McCoy

Wow!  Theme Week last week, and this week starts off with a new Revisionist History?  Are you dying or something?

Nope.  I actually just had this idea for a Sametime Status quite some time ago.  I put it in the queue, but couldn't run it last week due to Theme Week, so you get it today.  Yes, one of the more popular features of the Blag here...

Popular with the lawyers, anyway...

...is the Revisionist History series, where we look behind the scenes at some of the more popular historical events and learn about what really happened. 

Or, Jeremy just makes up a bunch of crap.  Deciding which is left as an exercise for the reader.  Here's a hint...it's made-up crap.  

In this week's episode, we look at the aftermath of two of strangely similar songs both written by a man with one of the premier mustaches of all time, Jim Croce, "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" and "Bad Bad Leroy Brown."  In both songs, the main character is a notorious tough-guy with a fondness for gambling and getting in trouble.  Both guys end up getting in a little too much trouble and end up with a good old-fashioned butt-whooping courtesy of a guy named Willie "Slim" McCoy.  Sure, the lyrics of "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" don't actually specify who the other guy was, but trusted sources assure me that it was Willie.  

Usually your "Trusted Sources" are Wikipedia.  I can't even imagine where you heard this.

So, in the aftermath of the songs, both "Bad Bad" Leroy Brown and "Big" Jim Walker felt that they no longer had the respect of the patrons of their local bars and pool halls, so something had to be done.  They realized that while neither of them were able to do much about "Slim" (to the point where people were told that you don't mess around with Slim), that if they combined their efforts, they could successfully rid the town of their nemesis.  The plan worked to a T, and Willie "Slim" McCoy was driven from the town, never to be heard from again. 

Theme Week, Day Five

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents

Rejected Vacation Theme Week Ideas Week!  Day 5:  Top 5 Reasons It’s Great to Come Back From Vacation

I believe it was a young Dorothy Gale that said, "There's no place like home."  

While that may be true, nobody really sits on a beach, soaking up the sun and says to themselves, "Boy it'll be great to get back to work.  I miss my desk and computer."  Vacations exist for a reason, and coming back from them is always a bit rough, and the perfect time to start planning your next vacation.  

Also, maybe you have pets or something.

Either way, try as I might, I couldn't come up with Five great things about my vacation coming to an end, so I was forced to scrap yet another seemingly great idea for a Theme Week.  The good part about that was the fact that I had successfully junked five ideas for Theme Week, so I could do a Theme Week about that!  It was really a very exciting time for me.  

We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Theme Week, and we look forward to coming back on monday with all new non-themed Sametime Statuses for your amusement.  Have a great weekend, everybody!  

Theme Week, Day Four

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents 

Rejected Vacation Theme Week Ideas Week!  Day 4:  Top 5 Healthiest Vacation Meals

Well now this is good, Jeremy.  Finally putting this website to good use, educating people about making good health decisions, even while vacationing. 

Well, that's what you would have been saying had this not been a rejected Theme Week theme. 

Oh yeah...forgot that these ideas all got wasted in that sun-drenched head of yours.

So, I thought it would be a good idea to inform the public about healthy meal options you can enjoy while on vacation through personal anecdotes about healthy meals I got to enjoy while on vacation.  It seemed like it would be a responsible thing to do, given my internet-based popularity.  

Well, the trouble with this would be that the number of healthy meals I ate while on vacation was somewhere in the 0-4 range (I won't say where, exactly), so generating a full 5-day Theme Week for the topic wouldn't quite be possible.  In between 3 gallons of ice cream, two dozen donuts, steaks wrapped in bacon, multiple batches of cookies, pizzas, and roughly a dozen bags of Doritos, there wasn't much room for healthy eating.  There was a cantaloup and a watermelon involved, though...those are okay, right?  

Anyway, it looks like I won't be able to share this Theme Week idea with you this time.  I'll try to keep it in mind for my next vacation (which is coming a little sooner than expected...more on that later).  So unfortunately, it looks like another great plan for a Theme Week heads for the scrapheap. 

Theme Week, Day Three

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents
Rejected Vacation Theme Week Ideas Week!  Day 3:  Top 5 Stories in the Book “This Is How You Die” That Were Better Than Mine

Yeah, this one's going to require some explanation.

A little backstory, then...

So, back in 2010, a collection of short stories called "Machine of Death" was published, based on an episode of the whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics.  It features stories of a world in which a machine was created that will tell you the cause of your death based on a blood test, but with no other information.  The machine also had a sense of irony and humor occasionally, so the predictions could be vague and misconstrued, but were always accurate.  The book was such a hit that it was lambasted by Glenn Beck himself...as sure a sign as any that something is good. 

Last year, the editors of "Machine of Death" put out a call for submissions for a sequel book.  Among the 1,958 short story submissions was one written by a popular amateur writer you've come to know and love while reading this blag.

There was also one that Jeremy wrote.  

Unfortunately for me (and the rest of the world, if you ask me), my story was not selected for inclusion in the book.  Not too long ago, the book "This Is How You Die" was unleashed on the world.  To show my support, and acknowledge the fact that I'm not bitter over my story not being picked, I purchased a copy, intending to take it on vacation and read it while sitting on the beach.  The plan worked well, and I got over half-way through the book in between naps, sunnings, and swimming sessions.  

While coming up with vacation-themed Theme Week ideas, I thought of putting my pride even further on the back of the shelf and sharing with you the Top 5 stories from the book that I thought were better than mine.  There are like 30 stories or so...surely narrowing down the list to 5 should be easy, right?  

Well, the problem is, I haven't come across any of the stories that were better than mine, so I had to scrap the whole idea for a Theme Week.  Of course...maybe I'm biased.  Incidentally, Jeremy-Exclusion aside, the book is fantastic, and you should all go right now and buy your own copy...right now.

Theme Week, Day Two

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents

Rejected Vacation Theme Week Ideas Week!  Day 2:  Top 5 “Sunsations” Stores


Wait.  They have Sunsations down where you went on vacation?  Interesting.  I've heard about them, but only in legend.  


One of the problems with going to a popular tourist area for vacation is the glut of touristy shops you come across.  So many places that make their living selling kitschy locally themed merchandise made somewhere entirely other than that particular locale.  In the case of a tourist beach, you get snow globes, personalized bottles of sand (I actually found one with "Jeremy" on it...totally didn't buy it), shot glasses, commemorative spoons (Nobody's ever managed to explain this phenomenon to me to my satisfaction), printed t-shirts with modern hip catch phrases, those signs for your house saying stuff like "I'd Rather Be At The Beach," and other random crap like that.  Sometimes, you get lucky and one store takes care of all of your kitschy touristy crap souvenirs for you...and in my case, that store is called "Sunsations."  

Since all of this garbage is located conveniently in one store, you'd think the need for multiple establishments would be limited...and boy would you be wrong.  No, sir...there are in fact an astounding 14 Sunsations stores in a roughly 10-mile stretch of beach coast.  This is nonsense.  So much so that the glut of Sunsations stores is a bit of a running gag while on vacation.  Phrases drenched in sarcasm like "Oh my goodness...they have a 'Sunsations' here?" and "If only there were a 'Sunsations' nearby," ring out nearly non-stop.  It seemed very appropriate to rank my Top 5 "Sunsations" stores and present them to you for your edutainment. 

Here's the catch...up until about Day 5 of my vacation, I had never actually been in one, leave alone five or more.  Also, my reaction to being in a "Sunsations" was more one of "Dear God, get me out of this store as soon as possible," than of excitement or even, quite frankly, lukewarm interest.  These factors make it remarkably difficult to feign joy over any one of the stores over any of the others.  So, unfortunately for you, you'll have to discover for yourselves which "Sunsations" store is the best...since this idea for a Theme Week never got off the ground. 

Theme Week, Day One

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents

Rejected Vacation Theme Week Ideas Week!  Day 1:  Top 5 Places Out Of Which to Clean Sand 

Wow, Jeremy.  You come back from vacation and dive right back into this Sametime Status thing with a Theme Week.  Exciting!   

Well, I haven't had a Theme Week in a little while, and they're usually a hit, so I felt I owed it to the loyal readers.  So all this week, I'm bringing you the Top 5 ideas I rejected while coming up with a theme for this week.    

Though you seem to have started it out a little blue.   

Which is precisely why I couldn't make it a Theme Week.  See, the original idea was innocent enough.  Spending a week on a beach involves a lot of preparation and paraphernalia.  Personally, I had all kinds of stuff like swim suits, a chair, a folding table, an umbrella, a duffel bag, a book (more on that later), a phone, a camera, sandals, a water bottle, a cooler and so on and so forth.  That's a lot of junk.  Now, all of it contains an entire week's worth of sand.  While the bulk of it has been shaken clear of the majority of its sand, I'm certain to be finding remnants of the beach for weeks to come.  In the case of the duffel bag, there is a reasonable chance that should I return to the beach next year, it will still contain some of the sand from this year.  It's just how it goes.  

So while I thought a Theme Week of my trials and tribulations trying to clean off all of my beach-going gear might be a fun and silly idea, I also quickly realized just how poorly the idea can be communicated in type.  No, I was not referring to orifices out of which I'll be washing sand over my next week of showers...that's just disturbing...yet, I can see how most readers' minds would go that direction upon reading the Theme Week title.  Therefore, as excited as I know you all are to hear about me doing laundry and vacuuming sand out of my duffel bag, you won't get to, since this potentially wayward idea for a Theme Week has been scrapped.