Creepy Guy Living 4 Doors Down from Rhetorical Friday

Why is it called a TV Set when there's only one?


We've talked about this.


I know...I just can't help myself on Rhetorical Friday.


Well, I certainly hope you have something good to make up for this.


Good is such a relative term. Here's something that's both amazingly good and horrifying at the same time. Rumour has it there's a foot ball game of some sort coming up this weekend. If you happen to be hosting a party and are wondering what kinds of snack foods you should provide for your guests...Holy Taco has the answer.

The Greatest Snack Food Stadium Ever Built!

This actually happened

I actually searched through the box to find crackers that were intact before crumbling them up into my chili.


No Office tonight?


Sadly, no. They're bypassing tonight's episode in favour of an hour-long spot after some football game on Sunday.


So tell us about the crackers.


Yeah...I was in the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work, and decided to have chili for lunch. This involves crumbling crackers into the bowl, if anyone is unfamiliar with how to eat chili. To that end, they have a box next to the chili containing packets of crackers...and as you might expect, some of them are already broken due to shipping and handling issues.

I reached into the box and grabbed two packets of crackers, (Since that's the limit. They say they'll charge you after 2 packets) and before putting them on my tray, I noticed that one of the crackers was already broken. Mind you, the wrapping was still intact, and the crackers were perfectly serviceable, but it was broken in like 5 pieces! What's up with that?

So, I put that packet back and carefully selected a new one with intact crackers. Feeling better about myself, I paid for my lunch and proceeded to smash the crackers into little tiny pieces to dump in my chili. It was one of those times when I had a bit of a revelation, thinking of some poor sap who actually eats crackers rather than powdering them into their soup...and how he's now stuck with broken cracker bits because of me.

I got a chuckle out of that.

I had to walk, of course.

I never got snow days when I was in school, either.


There's only a couple inches out there.


Which is why I'm at work today, instead of burrowing into a hole waiting for winter to end. This little dusting of snow isn't enough to stop me...although most of my coworkers have already decided to bail on the day, in addition to basically every school within a 50-mile radius.


Well somebody has to think of the children.


I honestly think in my entire high school career, I only got 2 snow days...and they weren't even snow days, technically. The high temperature was something like 10 below zero (-23C), and they cancelled school...but never because of snow. Now, every time there's snow, no matter how much, all of the nearby schools close. It's weird...there can be snow in the forecast, and schools will close...there was one day this winter when it was raining, and most of the schools thought it might turn to snow at some point, so they closed. (For the record, it didn't turn to snow...just rained all day.)

I guess my point is that I'm sure this aspect of The Wussification Of America is brought on by lawsuits against the school buses, which are all contracted out now and no longer run by the school district. It does make for a better drive to work, however. Everybody follows the school wussifcation with their own and stays home, so I have the roads all to myself...except for the overly cautious moron who feels obligated to drive 10MPH the entire way down the highway. Jerk.

He's as bad as John Williams

Tone Loc totally stole “Wild Thing” from Charlie Daniels


You should check your temperature...a rap song stolen from country?


Indeed. I was made aware of this just yesterday, and couldn't wait to share with you. So while the music may be slightly different, the meter and rhythm of "Wild Thing" by Tone Loc completely mirrors that of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia."


No.


It's true! Here's proof, formatted for easy viewing:

• Shoppin' at the mall looking for some gear to buy
  I saw this girl
  she cool rocked my world
  and I had to adjust my fly.
  She looked at me and smiled and said "You have plans for the night"
  I said "Hopefully
  if things go well
  I'll be with you tonight"
  
  
• The devil went down to Georgia He was lookin' for a soul to steal
  He was in a bind
  'Cause he was way behind
  And he was willin' to make a deal
  When he came upon this young man Sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot
  And the devil jumped
  Up on a hickory stump
  And said, "Boy let me tell you what..."

Tomorrow, we'll look at "ois"

A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.


Well that's remarkably unfortunate for the overly-described ploughman then, isn't it?


Indeed it is.


So what's the point?


The point is that in the English language, the letter combination "ough" can be pronounced nine different ways, and today's Sametime Status contains all of them.


Interesting, and educational. Thank you Jeremy.


In addition, today brings news that the coach of a high school girls basketball team that beat their opponent 100-0 Has Been Fired. This brings up the age-old question of how much do you let up on an over matched opponent in sports before you've crossed the line into classless showboating? What's actually more embarrassing...losing a basketball game by 100 points when the winning team does nothing but run out the clock and shoot low-percentage 3 point shots in the second half, or losing a game by 40 points to a team hot-dogging and running circles around you like the Harlem Globetrotters and only taking shots left-handed? Discuss!

Former Roommate of Rhetorical Friday

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.


When is Rhetorical Friday going to stop?


When I run out of rhetorical questions and phrases. Until then, it's turned into a thing, so we're going to keep running with it.


Don't people hate it?


Rhetorical Friday gets very mixed reviews...but since that amuses the heck out of me, I'm going to keep it up.

If I had to see this, so do you

Apparently, my dream is to be big, ugly, and wear yellow polka dots. I had no idea.


You're not wearing polka dots today?


So today's Sametime Status is a reference to professional wrestler "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. This was brought up not long ago in a conversation with a co-worker about the origins of someone's nickname. Apparently, this coworker had never heard of the wrestler, so the cultural reference was lost...but now you're all aware as well. So, for those of you loyal readers in America (and American loyal readers travelling abroad), here is...apparently...your dream:

Glad I'm not the Play-by-Play Commentator

Cal Clutterbuck. Best Hockey name ever? Vote now!


I don't know...Wade Clubb really gives him a run for the money.


So I was watching the LA Kings take on the Minnesota North Stars Wild last night and came to the realization that Mr. Clutterbuck may have the best name I've ever heard. Not only in terms of play-by-play commentator gaffes while trying to pay it repeatedly, but also in heckling potential. There are just too many wonderful things you can do with that name...Buttercluck...Cluster...well, you get the idea.

Here's my new friend Cal Clutterbuck doing what Cal Clutterbuck does.

Inaugurate This!

5.....4.....3.....2.....1.....Happy New President!


Pretty straight forward message today. Congratulations to the new administration, and here's hoping for good things for the next four years.


So in lieu of anything else political, I've decided to share with you a great joke that I made up yesterday.


Stop reading now. Save yourself!


So some co-workers were discussing firewood, and how some of it was too green. Thus, the wood needed to be stacked properly for seasoning. I mentioned how this could be easily accomplished by making it listen to a bunch of Frankie Valli music.

Five-Seven Suited, however...

I’m never playing pocket Kings again.


No luck at the poker table, eh?


Actually, quite the opposite. I had a rather good night of poker not long ago, finishing second in a reasonably-okay-stakes tournament. The reason I came in second and not first was a pair of pocket Kings. They're jerks.


But isn't that the second best starting hand in Texas Hold'em?


Statistically, yes. In Jeremy's World, it means sudden, instant, and even immediate death. Since it is such a statistically strong hand, I usually end up playing it, and by the end of the hand, it looks like complete crap when compared to the hand that just beat me. In this past case, I ended up losing to a small flush with a pair of Kings. It's not the first time this sort of thing has happened to me which is why I'm firmly resolving to fold any pocket Kings from now on.


Good idea. When's your next game? I want to play now.


No idea when I'll be playing next, but when I do, I'll be decked out in my new line of poker-playing merchandise for the professional amature. Everybody has That Guy who shows up at your friendly home game dressed like the Unibomber in his hoodie and sunglasses with an MP3 player tucked underneath because he saw a guy on TV look like that. Well, now YOU can be That Guy, too...thanks to Jeremy Is At The Table, or JAT². We carry a full line of hoodies, sunglasses, MP3 players, poker chips, cards, felt covers, tchotchkes to hold your cards, and carrying cases for all of your poker-playing needs. Just find us on The Google or in your neighbourhood Poker store. Look for our Logo:

He's gone back to Ceti Alpha Five

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!


Jeremy's Sametime Status and Miracle Posting, Inc would like to pay tribute to the late Ricardo Montalban. Though, really...this whole thing is a setup for a pretty stupid joke at the end.


IMDB tells us that Ricardo Montalban is most remembered for his role as "Mr. Roarke" on Fantasy Island. However...I have no clue what that show is, or how good a character Mr. Roarke was. Of course, if you read it on the Internets, it has to be true.

Realistically, though, Ricardo will be best remembered for his immortal role as the villain "Khan" in the original Star Trek series, and later in the motion picture "Star Trek II; The Wrath of Khan".

Over the course of his life, Montalban appeared in over 150 lucrative films and television shows, enabling him to purchase his own theatre, and found a non-profit organization to help underprivileged children. He died Wednesday at 88 years old.

That is to say...he lived long, and prospered.

How closely are you going to examine the results?

"Well, I swallowed all your ideas. I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end." Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Late post today, Jeremy. Slacking off?


Sorry about that....busy day at work today. Watch Office tonight!!!

What was I thinking?

The middle of January is a bad time to try to buy rock salt.


Of course it is...it's time to get ready for the beach!


So let's ignore the fact that the lawn is covered in snow, negating the need for a lawnmower, or that the frozen ground won't be especially receptive to planting new seeds or fertilizing. Forget that the grill is still under wraps and everyone's pool is still a solid block of ice.

Despite all of this, it seems worthy of note that the temperature tonight is supposed to be roughly -2 degrees (-19deg C), and there exists the possibility that I may need to apply salt to my driveway. This apparently is a foreign concept to at least 4 stores in the area, who have completey removed their supplies of ice melter, replacing them with grills, lawnmowers, planting and fertilizing supplies, and swimming pool chemicals. To these stores, I give a hearty "No Thanks." I know I need to buy my Christmas supplies in July, and my Fourth of July barbecue is just around the corner, but how's about leaving out one bag of rock salt for me? I could use that before somebody decides that taking a header in my driveway could be very lucrative for them.

Waste of Blag

I wondered why the hockey puck was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


Great...we're getting puns now.


Well, some loyal readers have been saying that the Sametime Statuses haven't been punny enough lately.


I think they said it wasn't Funny enough.


Huh...interesting. I heard Punny. What a crazy mix-up.

Imagination is a premium today

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life...so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -M. Cartmill


Who's M Cartmill?


He's a professor of Evolutionary Anthropology at Duke. This quote of his amuses me...so you get to read it today.

In addition, you get to learn how to cook a hamburger at Wendy's, thanks to this ridiculously hilarious rap video:

Prodigal Son of Rhetorical Friday

A Comma is a Pause at the end of a Clause. A Cat has Claws at the end of its Paws.


I refuse to participate in Rhetorical Friday. I mean it this time.


Good. So anyway, yesterday's quiz returned startlingly few results, but the 3 people who correctly answered "Limbo Rock" can give yourselves a hearty pat on the back for a job well done. Quite frankly, before yesterday's quiz started, I had no idea that song was done by Chubby Checker. Looking back, it does have that closed-throated Kermit the Frog voice to it, and it is a song that explicitly tells you how to dance to it...two hallmarks of every Chubby Checker song in existence...so the writing was on the wall.

For your edutainment, here are a handful of other potential answers, and the lyrics that make them great:

• Pony Time (Now haw, ya oh baby, oh baby, pretty baby, Do it baby, oh baby, oh baby, Boogety, boogety, boogety, boogety shoo)
  
• Toot (She's got a motor scooter with a little rubber tooter)
  
• Hey Bobba Needle (Baby I ain't lyin' lyin' lyin' Can't you see that I'm tryin' tryin' tryin' Don't cha know I'm tryin' tryin' tryin')
  
• Loddy Lo (La La La Lardy. Don't know the word to any song. Hey Lardy Lardy Lo)
  
• Cu Ma La Be Stay (Everybody forms a circle. Now somebody jumps inside. Jump it hit it now. You clap your hands. You stamp your feet. You do the jerk. To the cu ma la beat.)
  

He must be very well twisted by now

Pop Quiz! Name one Chubby Checker song whose lyrics do not include the word "Twist."


No problem. Let me just bring up The Google...


No cheating, please!


You take the enjoyment out of everything.


So today's message came about not long ago while I was sitting in a fast food chin known for their Royalty among hamburger-related fast food chains, and a song was playing that sounded like Chubby Checker that appeared to not be "The Twist," "Let's Twist Again," "Slow Twistin'," "Twist It Up," or "Yo, Twist."

AS it turns out, the song was called "Dancin Party" and included the following poetic gem:

• Come on let's [fry] the potatoes too
  Watusi girl is the dance to do
  Twist and shout till we knock ourselves out

So, my hopes of hearing a "Twist"-less Chubby Checker song were dashed...until today! That's where you come in. I know of at least 2 songs that fit the above criteria...I'd just like to see if any of you know them too. Have fun!

It happens all the time

I can't be the only one who notices people who say "I love you" before hanging up on a telecon.


Ever notice how these Sametime Statuses that start with "I can't be the only one" usually turn out where you're the only one?


But this is different! In this new era of telecommuting, people are on telecons all the time. If you work exclusively from home, you often have no choice but to be on telecons. Some people are on telecons most of their natural lives and have the process down to an art and a science...but most of us will call into a meeting at most once or twice a day.

In addition to being the era of telecommuting, this is the Era of Wussification...and people get accustomed to their routines and mentally can't deviate from it. In much the same way that people have "Thanks" in their email signature so they don't have to type it each time, people have "I love you" at the end of their phone calls. Instead of an actual sentiment, it becomes a mere period at the end of the telephone sentence. Whether or not they love the person on the other end becomes irrelevant...it's simply what you say prior to hanging up. This is where the fun starts. This same person will join a telecon with people he or she merely works with, and has no feelings for. Once that person's contribution to the telecon expires, they exit the conversation the only way they know how..."I love you."

I'd like to tell you that the conference room containing the rest of the meeting participants feels a renewed sense of warmth and caring for the person who just hung up, but that's simply not the case. What follows is more of an awkward silence until somebody breaks the ice by replying "uhmm...we love you too, Bill" then chuckling and looking around the room for approval.

Of course, it could just be a little gas

Woops! I feel a little Bucky comin' on!


Happy New Year from Jeremy's Sametime Status!


Today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of the whimsical comic strip Get Fuzzy, about a lovable anthopomorphic cat and dog, and their owner. At some point in the fairly recent past, Bucky attempted to come up with his own catch phrase which other people would say when he came along. This was the result...and it's apparently caught on.


So any new year's resolutions?


Long ago, I made a new year's resolution to never make new year's resolutions again, and unlike 99.999% of the new year's resolutions everybody makes, I've actually stuck to it. Therefore, you can rest assured that I'll be doing pretty much the same stuff I've been doing for the last little while.


But what if people think the Sametime Statuses have been lame?


Ehh...these things happen.