Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Mom’s Home-Made Raisin Bread!
I can smell it already!
So one of the traditions in the Jeremy household is making and subsequently eating Mom's home-made raisin bread, from a recipe passed down for generations. It really is quite delicious, and a remarkable pain in the butt to make. This prompts the traditional Christmas Raisin Bread Discussion in which Mom asks if we really need to make it this year, and everyone else looks at her like she has three heads and announces, "Yes." The making of the raisin bread commences, and it's one of the highlights of the entire holiday season. Then on Christmas morning, we all gather around the table to a delicious breakfast of raisin bread and stocking-stuffer Pringles. (Yes, that's actually another tradition...you'd have to be there to understand.)
Awwwwwwwwe.
Bottom line here is that I've enjoyed bringing you this silly theme week, most of which seems a bit ridiculous, but I assure you, every one of the Status Messages has its roots in the truth. Every family has its own little quirks and traditions around this time of year, and I'd like to wish you the happiest of holiday seasons with all of them.
Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out of the Office starting tomorrow and returning January 5, when the Blag you know and love returns with a whole new year of Sametime Status Goodness.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
On the Fourth Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Timing how long after Christmas Dinner it takes for that one uncle to announce that he has to "Go drop a Yule Log"
It just wouldn't be Christmas if this didn't happen.
Of course! Christmas Dinner is one of the perks of being Home for the Holidays, and what's a Christmas Dinner without a family member saying something disturbing during dessert? It's probably much like Christmas cookies without those peanut butter ones with the Hershey Kiss stuck in the middle. It's completely unnatural! What do I have to do to get one of those cookies right now? Anybody?
While Jeremy's off on his quest to find cookies, the rest of you should enjoy the following video about Santa during a time of global recession:
It just wouldn't be Christmas if this didn't happen.
Of course! Christmas Dinner is one of the perks of being Home for the Holidays, and what's a Christmas Dinner without a family member saying something disturbing during dessert? It's probably much like Christmas cookies without those peanut butter ones with the Hershey Kiss stuck in the middle. It's completely unnatural! What do I have to do to get one of those cookies right now? Anybody?
While Jeremy's off on his quest to find cookies, the rest of you should enjoy the following video about Santa during a time of global recession:
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
On the Third Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Frantically trying to decide which color Lexus would make the best gift
Here's a hint. It's silver.
This is the time of year where we get to constantly hear those words that are the bane of our collective existence...say it with me now..."Makes a Great Gift". According to the people who sell these things, the following items make great gifts: Lottery Tickets, Chia Pets, Mighty Putty, Ronco Electric Food Dehydrators (the gift of health), gym memberships, soap, vacuum cleaners, plastic lids, foot files (so disgusting, I can only wish I was making it up), singing fish, the Time Life "Malt Shop Memories" CD collection, suction cups with hooks, the "Iron Gym" and of course, luxury cars. By the way...did you know that the same people who make Chia Pets are also responsible for "The Clapper"?
I guess the main point I'm making here is that as much as I care about every member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I won't be buying any of you a car this holiday season. Yes, I know now is apparently the perfect time to buy a Toyota, Cadillac, Lexus, Pontiac or BMW as a great gift idea(so say the commercials), but the fact remains we're in a recession, so don't get your hopes up.
So you're going to weasel out of getting everybody nice presents this year? How do you sleep at night?
Funny you should ask. I sleep quite well at night knowing that I have a morally clean slate.
Story time!
This past weekend, I received a strange letter in the mail that had a nickel showing through a window in the envelope. The envelope said "THIS NICKEL CAN SAVE A LIFE" with a big ol' arrow pointing to the window. Curious as to how this could be, I opened the letter, and the secrets were revealed to me. Apparently, all I had to do was return the nickel to the sender along with my gift of $60 or more to a charity searching for a cure for blood-borne cancers, and I will have saved a life...potentially.
So, what the sender was actually telling me is that one nickel wouldn't exactly save a life...but 1201 nickels might, and they got me well on my way to providing that. Strictly speaking, they got me 0.08% of the way there. They just needed my help to get them over the hump.
As much as I dislike cancer, and would like to save somebody's life, I wasn't going to be coerced into sending $60 to a charity simply because they randomly sent me a nickel, and also I can't in good conscience donate money to any disease-curing charity that doesn't exclusively work with Bird Flu. However, I was left with the conundrum of what to do with the nickel. I just didn't feel right keeping it, and it would be a waste to throw it away with the rest of the letter.
I solicited a couple opinions from members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, and the initial consensus opinion was to drop the nickel into a Salvation Army bucket. This is a fine idea, except for the fact that I would feel even more morally bankrupt by putting ONLY a nickel into the drum. (Yes, I know that's now the song goes, but it just wouldn't feel right) If I were to pursue this method of spiritual cleansing, it would still cost me additional money, as I would undoubtedly add my own money to the drum in addition to the nickel.
Loyal reader Jim came up with an alternative. There is a water fountain inside the little strip mall not far from where I live. People chuck coins in fountains all the time, wishing for wholesome things, and the money is all collected and donated to worthwhile charities. Seeking my morally clean slate, I made a special trip to the plaza, went inside, found the fountain, wished for something wholesome (I can't tell you what it was or else it won't happen), flipped the nickel into the water with a strangely satisfying "Ploop" sound, and left.
Here's a hint. It's silver.
This is the time of year where we get to constantly hear those words that are the bane of our collective existence...say it with me now..."Makes a Great Gift". According to the people who sell these things, the following items make great gifts: Lottery Tickets, Chia Pets, Mighty Putty, Ronco Electric Food Dehydrators (the gift of health), gym memberships, soap, vacuum cleaners, plastic lids, foot files (so disgusting, I can only wish I was making it up), singing fish, the Time Life "Malt Shop Memories" CD collection, suction cups with hooks, the "Iron Gym" and of course, luxury cars. By the way...did you know that the same people who make Chia Pets are also responsible for "The Clapper"?
I guess the main point I'm making here is that as much as I care about every member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I won't be buying any of you a car this holiday season. Yes, I know now is apparently the perfect time to buy a Toyota, Cadillac, Lexus, Pontiac or BMW as a great gift idea(so say the commercials), but the fact remains we're in a recession, so don't get your hopes up.
So you're going to weasel out of getting everybody nice presents this year? How do you sleep at night?
Funny you should ask. I sleep quite well at night knowing that I have a morally clean slate.
Story time!
This past weekend, I received a strange letter in the mail that had a nickel showing through a window in the envelope. The envelope said "THIS NICKEL CAN SAVE A LIFE" with a big ol' arrow pointing to the window. Curious as to how this could be, I opened the letter, and the secrets were revealed to me. Apparently, all I had to do was return the nickel to the sender along with my gift of $60 or more to a charity searching for a cure for blood-borne cancers, and I will have saved a life...potentially.
So, what the sender was actually telling me is that one nickel wouldn't exactly save a life...but 1201 nickels might, and they got me well on my way to providing that. Strictly speaking, they got me 0.08% of the way there. They just needed my help to get them over the hump.
As much as I dislike cancer, and would like to save somebody's life, I wasn't going to be coerced into sending $60 to a charity simply because they randomly sent me a nickel, and also I can't in good conscience donate money to any disease-curing charity that doesn't exclusively work with Bird Flu. However, I was left with the conundrum of what to do with the nickel. I just didn't feel right keeping it, and it would be a waste to throw it away with the rest of the letter.
I solicited a couple opinions from members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, and the initial consensus opinion was to drop the nickel into a Salvation Army bucket. This is a fine idea, except for the fact that I would feel even more morally bankrupt by putting ONLY a nickel into the drum. (Yes, I know that's now the song goes, but it just wouldn't feel right) If I were to pursue this method of spiritual cleansing, it would still cost me additional money, as I would undoubtedly add my own money to the drum in addition to the nickel.
Loyal reader Jim came up with an alternative. There is a water fountain inside the little strip mall not far from where I live. People chuck coins in fountains all the time, wishing for wholesome things, and the money is all collected and donated to worthwhile charities. Seeking my morally clean slate, I made a special trip to the plaza, went inside, found the fountain, wished for something wholesome (I can't tell you what it was or else it won't happen), flipped the nickel into the water with a strangely satisfying "Ploop" sound, and left.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
On the Second Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Putting up the family tree, hanging up the family lights, and blowing up the giant family inflatable Santa-on-a-Motorcycle
Ahhh....nothing says Christmas like Santa riding a chopper.
It's really the only thing preventing me from having a down-home Christmas at the moment. I strung up the lights (Okay, technically, I shoved two big floodlights in the ground and they splatter red and green light on the place, but it's close enough), and I put up the tree. I haven't seen clear to plugging in a gaudy monstrosity of an inflatable thing. There are lots of them available now...Santas, Reindeer, Snow-persons, Elves, Snow-Globes...and now, apparently, Santa on a Motorcycle.
Every red-blooded American needs one. If you don't inflate a Santa on a Motorcycle, the terrorists win.
I think for 4th of July, I should come out with my own line of lawn inflatables. Think about it...inflatable American Flags, Statues of Liberty, Washington Monuments (okay, maybe not the best idea), and Charlton Heston's. It's going to be remarkably lucrative. Anyone else have any ideas for holiday-themed inflatables?
Ahhh....nothing says Christmas like Santa riding a chopper.
It's really the only thing preventing me from having a down-home Christmas at the moment. I strung up the lights (Okay, technically, I shoved two big floodlights in the ground and they splatter red and green light on the place, but it's close enough), and I put up the tree. I haven't seen clear to plugging in a gaudy monstrosity of an inflatable thing. There are lots of them available now...Santas, Reindeer, Snow-persons, Elves, Snow-Globes...and now, apparently, Santa on a Motorcycle.
Every red-blooded American needs one. If you don't inflate a Santa on a Motorcycle, the terrorists win.
I think for 4th of July, I should come out with my own line of lawn inflatables. Think about it...inflatable American Flags, Statues of Liberty, Washington Monuments (okay, maybe not the best idea), and Charlton Heston's. It's going to be remarkably lucrative. Anyone else have any ideas for holiday-themed inflatables?
Monday, December 15, 2008
On the First Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Family Cringe Time as the Peanuts Gang fails to find the key in “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”
Since the holiday season is upon us once again, Jeremy's Sametime Status, and the parent company Miracle Posting, Inc would like to remind you to enjoy time with friends and family over the coming weeks. To that end, this week's Sametime Statuses will consist of fun and family-oriented things to do while you enjoy the holidays. Today's begins with the time-honoured tradition of sitting on the couch with your mug of hot chocolate watching remarkably old Christmas Specials, such as "A Charlie Brown Christmas."
That's right...the Peanuts Christmas special is an ageless wonder of aluminum trees and grade school pageants put on with no adult supervision. Along with all of this comes the Christmas Miracle of a herd of young children spontaneously breaking out into a "LoooooLoooooLooooo" version of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing". Don't know about your neighborhood, but that never happens around here.
Unfortunately, the kids are ferociously bad singers, and despite the joy of the holidays, it's really best to hit the Mute button before they get to the "With the heavenly hosts proclaim" line, as evidenced at the 9:05 mark of the following video.
As a special bonus to all you loyal Blag Readers today, I simply could not pass up the opportunity to share the following video with you. Of course, as of this posting, you can simply go to Youtube and do a search for "throws shoe at Bush" and get 1020 videos to choose from. Here's Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi throwing his shoes at President Bush. The New York Yankees have reportedly offered him a 5-year contract worth just over $93 Million.
Since the holiday season is upon us once again, Jeremy's Sametime Status, and the parent company Miracle Posting, Inc would like to remind you to enjoy time with friends and family over the coming weeks. To that end, this week's Sametime Statuses will consist of fun and family-oriented things to do while you enjoy the holidays. Today's begins with the time-honoured tradition of sitting on the couch with your mug of hot chocolate watching remarkably old Christmas Specials, such as "A Charlie Brown Christmas."
That's right...the Peanuts Christmas special is an ageless wonder of aluminum trees and grade school pageants put on with no adult supervision. Along with all of this comes the Christmas Miracle of a herd of young children spontaneously breaking out into a "LoooooLoooooLooooo" version of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing". Don't know about your neighborhood, but that never happens around here.
Unfortunately, the kids are ferociously bad singers, and despite the joy of the holidays, it's really best to hit the Mute button before they get to the "With the heavenly hosts proclaim" line, as evidenced at the 9:05 mark of the following video.
As a special bonus to all you loyal Blag Readers today, I simply could not pass up the opportunity to share the following video with you. Of course, as of this posting, you can simply go to Youtube and do a search for "throws shoe at Bush" and get 1020 videos to choose from. Here's Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi throwing his shoes at President Bush. The New York Yankees have reportedly offered him a 5-year contract worth just over $93 Million.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Just take my word for this one
Never sneeze with a mouth full of chili.
Uhm...
So moving right along, looks like we have some weather-related closings today. That's interesting, right?
So is this the voice of experience talking here?
Let's just say that I'm simply offering advice...and if you choose not to follow it, there are various repercussions, some of which are remarkably painful, that you may or may not think of in advance.
Repercussions?
Okay, seriously...let's just leave it at that, shall we? Here's somebody having WAY too much fun with a front-loader.
Uhm...
So moving right along, looks like we have some weather-related closings today. That's interesting, right?
So is this the voice of experience talking here?
Let's just say that I'm simply offering advice...and if you choose not to follow it, there are various repercussions, some of which are remarkably painful, that you may or may not think of in advance.
Repercussions?
Okay, seriously...let's just leave it at that, shall we? Here's somebody having WAY too much fun with a front-loader.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
A very sad day indeed
Hong Kong’s vaccine against Bird Flu has failed. I fear for all humanity.
We interrupt our usual "Office" Sametime Status to bring you this important news update.
As you may (or should) know, Hong Kong has recently confirmed the newest outbreak of the deadly H5N1 virus, more commonly known as Avian Influenza...or...Bird Flu.
Latest indications are that the outbreak is due to Egg Smuggling in an attempt to circumnavigate government controls put in place to prevent this very type of pandemic. That's right...it seems clear that people are ACTIVELY trying to spread Bird Flu for profit.
Whatever the reason for this recent outbreak, Time Magazine reports a much more troubling side of this story. Chickens in the affected farms are being infected by the Virus despite Being Vaccinated Against H5N1. Our best efforts to combat this disease are failing, and thousands of innocent chickens are paying the price for our greed and overconfidence. How much longer before it becomes the global human pandemic we all fear?
Bonus Addendum:
Sorry, everybody....I nearly forgot to include this helpful website put together by the World Health Organization. It's a pandemic tracker, which can help you locate outbreaks of Bird Flu in your area.
Bird Flu Virus Tracker
We interrupt our usual "Office" Sametime Status to bring you this important news update.
As you may (or should) know, Hong Kong has recently confirmed the newest outbreak of the deadly H5N1 virus, more commonly known as Avian Influenza...or...Bird Flu.
Latest indications are that the outbreak is due to Egg Smuggling in an attempt to circumnavigate government controls put in place to prevent this very type of pandemic. That's right...it seems clear that people are ACTIVELY trying to spread Bird Flu for profit.
Whatever the reason for this recent outbreak, Time Magazine reports a much more troubling side of this story. Chickens in the affected farms are being infected by the Virus despite Being Vaccinated Against H5N1. Our best efforts to combat this disease are failing, and thousands of innocent chickens are paying the price for our greed and overconfidence. How much longer before it becomes the global human pandemic we all fear?
Bonus Addendum:
Sorry, everybody....I nearly forgot to include this helpful website put together by the World Health Organization. It's a pandemic tracker, which can help you locate outbreaks of Bird Flu in your area.
Bird Flu Virus Tracker
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Take evasive action! SERPENTINE!!!
The Toaster shot at me!
It was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just surprised the Toaster did it first.
You all remember The Famed Toaster of Hades, right? Well, it struck again yesterday in a vicious and unwarranted attack on me. Apparently sick of being the brunt of blag comments about evil toasters, though not necessarily all things Evil, the Toaster declared war yesterday, firing off the first of what is sure to be many volleys in a long and bloody feud.
You should fight back with a butter knife...Darwin says that's an effective attack.
You may or may not know that I'm fond of "Everything" Bagels that have seeds and onions and salts and other junk on top. Well, yesterday, I put my bagel in The Toaster in a seemingly normal fashion...and as my bagel descended into the glowing bowels, one of the sesame seeds exploded and fired out at me at great speed. The thing almost stuck to my shirt!
The horror. Another foot and a half up and you might have had something stuck in your eye for a couple seconds.
Exactly! This brazen act can not stand without retribution! I think tomorrow I'm going to break one of the rules just to spite The Toaster. I'm going to toast a buttered bagel!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!! Victory will be mine!!!!!
It was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just surprised the Toaster did it first.
You all remember The Famed Toaster of Hades, right? Well, it struck again yesterday in a vicious and unwarranted attack on me. Apparently sick of being the brunt of blag comments about evil toasters, though not necessarily all things Evil, the Toaster declared war yesterday, firing off the first of what is sure to be many volleys in a long and bloody feud.
You should fight back with a butter knife...Darwin says that's an effective attack.
You may or may not know that I'm fond of "Everything" Bagels that have seeds and onions and salts and other junk on top. Well, yesterday, I put my bagel in The Toaster in a seemingly normal fashion...and as my bagel descended into the glowing bowels, one of the sesame seeds exploded and fired out at me at great speed. The thing almost stuck to my shirt!
The horror. Another foot and a half up and you might have had something stuck in your eye for a couple seconds.
Exactly! This brazen act can not stand without retribution! I think tomorrow I'm going to break one of the rules just to spite The Toaster. I'm going to toast a buttered bagel!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!! Victory will be mine!!!!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Next time you're in France, get in a car with a sunroof, stick your head out and yell "WHEEEEEE!" The French people will think you're yelling "Yes" instead of being a colossal dork.
Oui Oui. C'est un bon statut de Sametime.
I agree. It's based on an actual Sametime conversation I had with a co-worker not long ago. Personally, I think it's a great idea.
J'essaye toujours de ne pas ressembler à un débile dans un pays étranger
That does seem like the best way to go.
écrous à ceci. Je vais manger du pain grillé
Sounds good to me.
Oui Oui. C'est un bon statut de Sametime.
I agree. It's based on an actual Sametime conversation I had with a co-worker not long ago. Personally, I think it's a great idea.
J'essaye toujours de ne pas ressembler à un débile dans un pays étranger
That does seem like the best way to go.
écrous à ceci. Je vais manger du pain grillé
Sounds good to me.
Monday, December 8, 2008
It's going to be a slamming good time.
Tonight is the big awards show for Pro Wrestlers. I’m actually not making that up.
Pro Wrestling has an awards show?
That's right, kids...tune in tonight to watch all your favourite wrestlers...standing around congratulating themselves on a job well done. I'm assuming there will be a match or two thrown in for good measure, but what's really important is that we celebrate their pretend achievements.
You mean wrestling is fake?
Granted...pro wrestling is not "Fake" as such...if a 7-foot tall guy picks you up over his head and throws you onto the floor, you really do fall, and it's going to hurt...but the basic concepts of wrestling are scripted in advance. Therefore, when the wrestling promoter gives out the award for "Superstar Of The Year" and "Tag Team Of The Year" it's based entirely on previously scripted matches as decided upon by the exact same promoter. He's basically giving an award to the wrestlers to whom he already decided to award the best matches and storylines. It's an extra level of fakeness on top of the faked fakeness. It's like the candles on top of the icing on the cake of fake.
But who else is going to give awards to the wrestlers?
Well, therein lies the rub. Pro wrestling is not the height of television. Sure, it makes billions of dollars, but it really can't be called "Good" TV. That's why you don't see pro wrestling shows winning Emmy awards, or wrestlers winning Oscars. Pro wrestling is also extremely thinly represented in other awards shows such as the MTV music awards, the American Music Awards, Grammy's, People's Choice Awards, Teen Choice Awards, Kid's Choice Awards, American Film Institute Awards, The National Society of Film Critic's Awards, The New York Film Critics Circle Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the Essence Awards, the Daytime Emmy Awards, the Tony Awards, the Juno Awards, the Academy of Country Music Awards, the Inspirational Country Music Awards, the "A-List" Awards.
In an extra slap in the face, I discovered that one of the nominees for this year's Emmy Award for Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program was THIS YEAR's OSCAR AWARDS!!!
I guess the point here is that awards shows suck. People stand around and congratulate themselves on a job well done. Well...in that same tradition, I'd like to announce that next year, I'll be running a Theme Week Awards Show called the "Jeremy Is In The Office Awards." It will feature various members of the media, entertainment, sports, pop culture, I'll probably give an award to myself, and most likely culminate with the award for "Member Of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World Of The Year."
I'll accept nominees now through...well...sometime before the ceremony. Good luck everybody!
Pro Wrestling has an awards show?
That's right, kids...tune in tonight to watch all your favourite wrestlers...standing around congratulating themselves on a job well done. I'm assuming there will be a match or two thrown in for good measure, but what's really important is that we celebrate their pretend achievements.
You mean wrestling is fake?
Granted...pro wrestling is not "Fake" as such...if a 7-foot tall guy picks you up over his head and throws you onto the floor, you really do fall, and it's going to hurt...but the basic concepts of wrestling are scripted in advance. Therefore, when the wrestling promoter gives out the award for "Superstar Of The Year" and "Tag Team Of The Year" it's based entirely on previously scripted matches as decided upon by the exact same promoter. He's basically giving an award to the wrestlers to whom he already decided to award the best matches and storylines. It's an extra level of fakeness on top of the faked fakeness. It's like the candles on top of the icing on the cake of fake.
But who else is going to give awards to the wrestlers?
Well, therein lies the rub. Pro wrestling is not the height of television. Sure, it makes billions of dollars, but it really can't be called "Good" TV. That's why you don't see pro wrestling shows winning Emmy awards, or wrestlers winning Oscars. Pro wrestling is also extremely thinly represented in other awards shows such as the MTV music awards, the American Music Awards, Grammy's, People's Choice Awards, Teen Choice Awards, Kid's Choice Awards, American Film Institute Awards, The National Society of Film Critic's Awards, The New York Film Critics Circle Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the Essence Awards, the Daytime Emmy Awards, the Tony Awards, the Juno Awards, the Academy of Country Music Awards, the Inspirational Country Music Awards, the "A-List" Awards.
In an extra slap in the face, I discovered that one of the nominees for this year's Emmy Award for Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program was THIS YEAR's OSCAR AWARDS!!!
I guess the point here is that awards shows suck. People stand around and congratulate themselves on a job well done. Well...in that same tradition, I'd like to announce that next year, I'll be running a Theme Week Awards Show called the "Jeremy Is In The Office Awards." It will feature various members of the media, entertainment, sports, pop culture, I'll probably give an award to myself, and most likely culminate with the award for "Member Of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World Of The Year."
I'll accept nominees now through...well...sometime before the ceremony. Good luck everybody!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Second-Cousin-Once-Removed of Rhetorical Friday
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard, "If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard..."...
Wow...an actually original phrase for Rhetorical Friday? Are you feeling okay?
This whole thought came about not long ago, while visiting a new baby that I'm not related to in any way who will grow up knowing me as "Crazy Uncle Jeremy." For the purposes of the Blag, let's call her "Emma."
"Emma"'s mother made a comment at one point during my visit that won't be quoted here because it's at least mildly inappropriate, but suffice to say it was pretty amusing both in and out of context. This caused me to reply, "If I had a nickel for every time I've heard THAT..."
Not altogether uncommon, really.
Exactly. However, upon further examination of the quote any my response by all parties involved, I came to realize that if I did actually have a nickel for every time I'd heard that particular phrase (or a slight variation thereof...I don't remember exactly), I would have precisely 10 cents. That and a dollar fifty will buy me a cup of coffee up at the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work.
Is this story much longer? I'd like to get up there for a bagel...
I was left with the sullen realization that either the world is growing more immune to sarcasm, or cliche's themselves are becoming cliche. Maybe I just said the "If I had a nickel" phrase simply because that's what I'm supposed to say in that particular instance. Perhaps people have become accustomed to reading quotes online in faceless automatonic blags, and thus are less prone to sarcasm recognition. Or maybe I just really need to hear that phrase more often...I think that's the best solution!
Wow...an actually original phrase for Rhetorical Friday? Are you feeling okay?
This whole thought came about not long ago, while visiting a new baby that I'm not related to in any way who will grow up knowing me as "Crazy Uncle Jeremy." For the purposes of the Blag, let's call her "Emma."
"Emma"'s mother made a comment at one point during my visit that won't be quoted here because it's at least mildly inappropriate, but suffice to say it was pretty amusing both in and out of context. This caused me to reply, "If I had a nickel for every time I've heard THAT..."
Not altogether uncommon, really.
Exactly. However, upon further examination of the quote any my response by all parties involved, I came to realize that if I did actually have a nickel for every time I'd heard that particular phrase (or a slight variation thereof...I don't remember exactly), I would have precisely 10 cents. That and a dollar fifty will buy me a cup of coffee up at the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work.
Is this story much longer? I'd like to get up there for a bagel...
I was left with the sullen realization that either the world is growing more immune to sarcasm, or cliche's themselves are becoming cliche. Maybe I just said the "If I had a nickel" phrase simply because that's what I'm supposed to say in that particular instance. Perhaps people have become accustomed to reading quotes online in faceless automatonic blags, and thus are less prone to sarcasm recognition. Or maybe I just really need to hear that phrase more often...I think that's the best solution!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
He's actually a nice guy
"I tried. I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil...snail. I feel like I'm dying inside." Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin
Poor Toby...Michael's always getting on his case.
Yeah, Toby came back to Scranton last week, much to Michael's dismay. Hilarity ensued, as always.
This week, somehow the branch ends up with a budget surplus (I wonder what that's like), and the workers try to decide how best to spend it.
In other news....please tell me there's other news.
At one point, I may have been inspired to put some interesting Christmas lights up around the house...but that inspiration went out the window a little while back when that online video went around showing the house with a massive light show all synced up to "Wizards in Winter." While that may have driven me to give up on the whole thing, it only served as a challenge to somebody else, who produced this display. Instead of good music, it uses a horrific techno remix of Amazing Grace, but the light show is incredible. Enjoy!
Poor Toby...Michael's always getting on his case.
Yeah, Toby came back to Scranton last week, much to Michael's dismay. Hilarity ensued, as always.
This week, somehow the branch ends up with a budget surplus (I wonder what that's like), and the workers try to decide how best to spend it.
In other news....please tell me there's other news.
At one point, I may have been inspired to put some interesting Christmas lights up around the house...but that inspiration went out the window a little while back when that online video went around showing the house with a massive light show all synced up to "Wizards in Winter." While that may have driven me to give up on the whole thing, it only served as a challenge to somebody else, who produced this display. Instead of good music, it uses a horrific techno remix of Amazing Grace, but the light show is incredible. Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
It's in the near future
Oh X-Mas Tree, Oh X-Mas Tree - Bee Boo Bee Boo Bah Bee Bo
Only 22 more shopping days before Christmas.
Indeed. Or, if you're in the year 3000, X-Mas. Saying "Christmas" is using an archaic pronunciation akin to saying "Ask" instead of "Aks."
Futurama reference...nice.
Todays Sametime Status is a Futurama reference in itself. It consists of the lyrics to Bender's tree-decorating song...which I was unable to find online anywhere to share with you. This is unfortunate, because I find it endlessly amusing.
The reason for bringing up X-Mas today is because last night, I put up my brand new X-Mas tree. It was really quite exciting, and a little dizzying while walking in circles around the thing to string up 700 lights.
What's important to note is that it's a fake tree. There's no stigma attached to fake trees anymore, since they're more environmentally conscious or something. Fake trees are measured by the number of "Tips" they have, and the more tips on the tree, the less it looks like a fake tree...a very simple mathematical relationship. What they don't tell you is when they pack the tree (and probably every year thereafter when you pack it back into the box), all of the tips fold up together and you have to spend time spreading them out in assorted directions to fill up any gaps. This is important to note because in a very similar mathematical relationship, the more tips your tree has, the longer it takes to go through this "fluffing" process. Combine that with fake pine needles poking you in the knuckles, and you come up with a brand new theorem. The more tips your fake X-Mas tree has, the more you feel like leaving it up all year and re-decorating it for the seasons rather than take it down and go through this nonsense next year.
Here's the Futurama gang singing a happy X-Mas song from "Bender's Big Score":
Only 22 more shopping days before Christmas.
Indeed. Or, if you're in the year 3000, X-Mas. Saying "Christmas" is using an archaic pronunciation akin to saying "Ask" instead of "Aks."
Futurama reference...nice.
Todays Sametime Status is a Futurama reference in itself. It consists of the lyrics to Bender's tree-decorating song...which I was unable to find online anywhere to share with you. This is unfortunate, because I find it endlessly amusing.
The reason for bringing up X-Mas today is because last night, I put up my brand new X-Mas tree. It was really quite exciting, and a little dizzying while walking in circles around the thing to string up 700 lights.
What's important to note is that it's a fake tree. There's no stigma attached to fake trees anymore, since they're more environmentally conscious or something. Fake trees are measured by the number of "Tips" they have, and the more tips on the tree, the less it looks like a fake tree...a very simple mathematical relationship. What they don't tell you is when they pack the tree (and probably every year thereafter when you pack it back into the box), all of the tips fold up together and you have to spend time spreading them out in assorted directions to fill up any gaps. This is important to note because in a very similar mathematical relationship, the more tips your tree has, the longer it takes to go through this "fluffing" process. Combine that with fake pine needles poking you in the knuckles, and you come up with a brand new theorem. The more tips your fake X-Mas tree has, the more you feel like leaving it up all year and re-decorating it for the seasons rather than take it down and go through this nonsense next year.
Here's the Futurama gang singing a happy X-Mas song from "Bender's Big Score":
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Probably not for a Klondike Bar, either
It’s pretty safe to say I’m not willing to shoot myself in the leg to get out of work today.
So many wonderful jokes, so little time.
So, last week, New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh in a New York nightclub. I really don't have a joke about that, so here's a funky hockey goal to entertain you:
So many wonderful jokes, so little time.
So, last week, New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh in a New York nightclub. I really don't have a joke about that, so here's a funky hockey goal to entertain you:
Monday, December 1, 2008
That's not what I was saying yesterday, of course...
To everyone else traveling on I-86 yesterday, I give a big, hearty "No Thanks!"
Welcome back, Jeremy! How was Turkey Time?
Very good, thanks. The drive back, however, sucked mightily.
Those I-86 drivers causing issues again, huh?
It was a whimsical combination of stupid drivers and stupid Mother Nature not giving us anything good to work with.
There was an icy bridge that led to a car about 100 yards behind me spinning around at least 2 full rotations before hitting the guard rail, snow in the first 3 hours of the trip that left at least a dozen cars off the road and caused an accident which made me sit in traffic for 45 minutes, then an ice storm in the last 2 hours of the trip that led to speeds varying from 70 to 15MPH. The whole thing was just a remarkably frustrating experience. I'm glad it's over and I can get back to writing fun and amusing Sametime Statuses.
Okay, so when are you going to start that?
Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.
Welcome back, Jeremy! How was Turkey Time?
Very good, thanks. The drive back, however, sucked mightily.
Those I-86 drivers causing issues again, huh?
It was a whimsical combination of stupid drivers and stupid Mother Nature not giving us anything good to work with.
There was an icy bridge that led to a car about 100 yards behind me spinning around at least 2 full rotations before hitting the guard rail, snow in the first 3 hours of the trip that left at least a dozen cars off the road and caused an accident which made me sit in traffic for 45 minutes, then an ice storm in the last 2 hours of the trip that led to speeds varying from 70 to 15MPH. The whole thing was just a remarkably frustrating experience. I'm glad it's over and I can get back to writing fun and amusing Sametime Statuses.
Okay, so when are you going to start that?
Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.
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