Darwin at work once again

As impressive as it is, I really don’t want to see a guy juggling while riding a bicycle along Route 82.


Really? Did this actually happen?


Indeed. A true candidate for the Darwin Awards, this moron was juggling 3 balls while riding a bike down a busy 45mph state highway.


Was he riding with one hand and juggling 3 balls with the other? Please tell me that's the case.


I can't do that. He had zero hands on the handlebars of the bike and 2 hands juggling. While this does bring to mind a good song by "The Flobots," I really don't want to see this on my commute home from work. Why? Because I don't want to be the guy who runs this idiot over when he loses control of his bike. So, guy who does this...please stop. To help you go cold turkey, here's an entertaining video of other people getting wrecked while doing stupid things on bicycles:

Back to the Bus League

...In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the Bull mascot...twice...also new league records!


That's a great movie.


Yep. Bull Durham is one of my favourites...but it has a couple issues with inaccuracy, particularly this speech.


Oh here we go....can't you just enjoy a movie without picking it apart?


Where's the fun in that? Anyway...it's never specifically stated in the "feelm" exactly how many innings Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh pitched in his Pro debut, but let's assume for the sake of argument that every single out that he recorded in the game was via strikeout. Since he set a new league record by striking out 18 batters, let's just say that he pitched 6 complete innings before turning the game over to the bullpen for the win.


Probably not realistic, but okay...where are you going with this?


It's also stated that he set a new league record by walking 18 batters. So, over the course of his 6 innings, he would have essentially walked the bases loaded while striking out the side in each inning (He also hit one batter), for a line of 6IP, 0H, 1ER (Nuke hit a batter in the first, so SOMEBODY would have had to score), 18BB, 18K 1HBP.


That's saying he didn't allow any hits...is that real?


I'm not sure...it's been a while since I've seen the movie, so I don't remember. But it makes my point easier.


This ought to be good...


So assuming that the other team never made contact, never fouled a pitch off, never got picked off base by the pitcher or the catcher...basically sat around and did nothing...and assuming that the wild pitches noted in the Sametime Status above were among the balls that led to a walk and nothing more, then Nuke would have thrown an astonishing 127 pitches in his "A"-Ball debut. This is ridiculous.

A pitcher that was as highly drafted and touted as "Nuke" LaLoosh would NEVER be allowed to throw that many pitches in a Bus League game...especially he's displaying such miserable control that he walks the bases loaded in every inning and hits the poor guy in the Bull suit twice. (Incidentally, the Bull gets beaned a third time later in the movie) Class A is for very young prospects, some of which have substantial upside to the organization (Roughly NONE of which get called directly to the Major Leagues, like Nuke did at the end of the film...By The Way...the previous sentence was a spoiler. If you haven't seen the movie, don't read it.) so I can't imagine any major league baseball organization allowing this kind of abuse to be piled onto a prized prospect with a million-dollar signing bonus and a Quadrophonic Blaupunkt.

So...despite that, it is a great movie. Here's a trailer, which does show the Bull getting cracked in the head by a Nuke LaLoosh pitch. Totally worth it.

Dress Code

I’m not entirely sure what pants I’m wearing today.


At least you're wearing pants today unlike some other people who don't have to wear pants to work. Wait...you ARE wearing pants, right?


Of course...I'm just mightily confused as to what they are or where they may have come from.


This could be an issue.


So I got dressed this morning, thinking of wearing my black shirt and green pants...a combination that has been done before with some measure of success. I ended up with the black shirt, but the pants that I thought were my green pants...well...I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think these are them. The pants I ended up with a more of a dark brown taupe-ey khaki, and don't look green to me anymore. In fact, they looked downright brown in the car. In fact...I don't even remember owning this pair of pants.


The Ghost of Couture Present has invaded your closet.


Apparently. We'll give them a try for today and see how it goes.

SCIENCE!

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but rather, 'hmm...that's funny...'" –Isaac Asimov


Oh, that nutty Asimov. So I understand today is a big day here on the Blag.


Absolutely. Today marks the 200th Blag Post here at "Jeremy Is In The Office."


Wow...200 posts of this crap?


And rather than marking today as some special achievement or milestone by throwing confetti and releasing the doves and balloons...


So you're just going to leave the doves in the cages indefinitely? I'm calling PETA...


We're going to celebrate this momentous occasion as just another stepping stone on the road to Blagging Greatness. With people walking into windows!

Sounds like a power surge

If we ever hope to find those repairmen and get home in time for a huge self-congratulatory hoagie, we've got to find the source of all these multi-dimensional shenanigans.


Why is it we need a self-congratulatory hoagie?


Why not? So today's Sametime Status is from the very first episode of the short-lived cartoon "Sam and Max: Freelance Police." Our heroes travel to an alternate dimension inside their assistant's refrigerator in search of missing repairmen who were captured by a mutated TV Dinner.


Oh, so it's one of those true-to-life cartoons then?


Absolutely! Let's watch!

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car." - George Carlin (1937 - 2008)


If you hadn't seen the news yet, the great George Carlin passed away last night in California. Today's Sametime Status is both a tribute to Carlin's carreer and legacy, as well as a continuation of the "Jeremy Is In The Office" theme of stupid bumper stickers. It just seemed appropriate today.

Son of Rhetorical Friday

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?


I'm really starting to hate Rhetorical Friday.


Doesn't matter what you think. The Loyal Readers like it, so we all get to enjoy another installment today.


Wonderful.


So, I thought I'd take this opportunity to plug the Pottstown Rumble volleyball tournament happening this weekend in Sunny Pottstown, Pennsylvania. It is one of, if not the largest grass doubles volleyball tournament in the country, and promises to be highly entertaining. If you happen to be in the area this weekend, stop by and check out the fun!


Pretty sad shameless plug there.


I know, but it's a slow day on the Internet, so I had nothing else to post.

Unless you're going offroading, then you're all set.

Right Lane MUST Turn Right Or Else You’ll Hit A Tree


I don't think they make signs like that.


And that's the problem. "They" either need to make signs like this, or stop posting ridiculous crap all over my roads.


I'm really not quite sure I follow.


On my way to work, I come to the end of a road. It intersects another road at a T intersection, which means you have no choice but to turn or else you'll hit a wall of trees. If you actually go straight, you've either decided to take your chances with the woods, lost control of your car, or become a moron. As far as I know, those are your only options at this point.


Okay...so?


So the town, in its infinite wisdom, decided a sign was necessary leading up to the intersection. One of those "Right Lane MUST Turn Right" signs. Of course the right lane is going to turn! They either turn or crash, and given those choices, a vast majority of the people will make the turn. This sign sucks. It pollutes my drive to work, makes me angry and is a waste of my money. I'd like it taken down, please.


Little too much coffee before work today...

It can't be...unless it is.

Is debating a waste of time?


Terrific. Doesn't this belong on Rhetorical Friday?


I thought about that, but it doesn't really seem like a rhetorical statement. More of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not about to start a recurring "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Wednesday" or anything like that, so you just get a regular ol' Sametime Status to read, enjoy, and discuss animatedly with your friends.


Please don't discuss it with me. I don't have time.


Oh yeah, you're very busy all day.


So what was the answer to yesterday's thing?


Ah yes...the correct answer, as provided by several Loyal Readers is the following:

That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is!

I'll also accept a semicolon after the second is. Partially because one Loyal Reader did it that way, and I've never really known when to use a semicolon.


The Internet is a wonderful thing.

Is what it? What?

That that is is that that is not is not is that it it is


Ladies and Gentlemen of the Most Intelligent Readership In The World, it seems our beloved Jeremy has suffered a head injury.


That is just not the case. Today's Sametime Status is simply a brain teaser of sorts. The message is in fact a coherent statement when punctuated properly. It's your job to determine what that is.


And respond in the form of a Blag Comment?


Exactly!


What do we get if we win?


Free admission to tomorrow's Blag.


Your prizes seem to get lamer as we go on.


Speaking of lameness in the Blag, I'm not about to question The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, but the rest of the people on Internet seem to have some issues.


One look at the comment section for ANY Youtube video should be proof enough of that...


You may have noticed somewhere on my right-hand column over there, that I have a little stat counter (Provided by the good people at Statcounter.com. It keeps track of the number of people visiting the blag, roughly where they come from, what pages they read and how they came to find their way here. As of this writing, 22 of the last 46 people (Nearly 48%) to make their way to Jeremy Is In The Office through a Google search have come here by searching for "Billy Mays Health Insurance" or some variation thereof. To this, I issue a hearty "What the hell!?" Infomercial pitchmen hawking insurance is more important to the Internet Community as a whole than Cartoons, Stand-Up Comics, or the deadly threat of Bird Flu?! Get your priorities straight! Then please visit again. We'd love to have you back.

At Wal-Mart of course!

"Where do you get a bank check?" - Anonymous Co-Worker


The great Steve Allen once said, "There is nothing so funny as the unintended humor of reality.


So true. This little bit of reality was part of a humorous conversation I had with a co-worker last week. To protect the guilty, I have omitted his or her name from the Blag, but only a handful of the Loyal Readers know who he/she is anyway, so it's okay.


What was your response to this Mensa-level brain teaser of a question?


This was actually one of those questions that needed no response...simply a "That will be a Sametime Status," a blank stare was sufficient.

Speaking of blank stares, imagine the blank stare that was on the face of minor league baseball player John Odom's face when he learned that he had been traded from the Calgary Vipers to the Laredo Broncos for Ten Baseball Bats.

Why isn't it working?!

The AccuTemp Digital Control senses the current temperature and responds by cycling off and on. Like any other fan, this model will not change the temperature of the airflow.


Is this a Blag, or an instruction manual?


In some ways it's life. I like to think of my Blag as sort of an instruction manual for life. A while ago, we had "Don't Be That Guy" Week, and occasionally we'll watch people doing stupid things, or read some stupid quotes. Today's takes a little extra work, but the payoff is terrific.


So where did this come from?


I bought a fan.


Well you certainly have no fans of your Blag, you HAD to get one somehow.


More specifically, I bought a window fan. It has a temperature sensor to decide how to control the temperature. It's a cute little feature, and makes things a bit more environmentally conscious. It also opens the door to a darker side of life: The people who think that a fan is a substitute for an air conditioner.

Today's Sametime Status comes from a sticker on the fan itself. I removed the sticker because I am not a moron. I have to think of just how that sticker came to be, and why it is now placed on every fan the company makes. Obviously, they got phone calls. They got letters and some returns and possibly an angry email from dissatisfied customers who thought, for some unknown reason, that the fan they just purchased was actually an air conditioner, and would provide cold air rather than circulation.


That's probably what happened.


Exactly. It's a pretty sad state of affairs, but it's a part of life. So I propose a homework assignment for his weekend to The Most Intelligent Readership In The World: Call up the manufacturer of whatever fan you have in your home. Ask them why it doesn't change the temperature of the air, and see what kind of response you get. We can join the whimsical webcomic xkcd in making the world a weirder place:

The Final Frontier. Oh wait...wrong show.

Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a giant monkey starts throwing barrels at you.


That's the opening to the pilot episode of Futurama!


It sure is. Anyway, still getting settled from being out a few days, so there's no Blaggy goodness today. There are, however, 723 new emails to go through...so I'm going to go take care of that. See you all tomorrow!

Lawyers Continue To Suck

Lawyer Joke Week! How many Lawyers does it take to stop a speeding bus? Not enough.


HAHAHAHAAAA! It's funny because it's true.


Speaking of true, it's true that I actually caught a little flak for not mentioning hockey yesterday.


Well, it is kinda your thing.


So here we go. I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Detroit Red Wings on their victory in the Stanley Cup Final.


Also, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Penguins for their run all the way to the finals, losing a hard-fought series, and coming within inches of another miraculous 3rd period come-back.


And now you owe us a Bonus Lawyer Joke.


Indeed. Here you go:

• Why does California have the most Lawyers, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
  New Jersey got to pick first.

As a special note, "Jeremy Is In The Office" will be out of the office until next Thursday. More Blaggy goodness is sure to follow.

Lawyers Still Suck

Lawyer Joke Week! If you drop a Yankee Fan and a Lawyer off the Empire State Building at the same time, which one hits first? Who cares?


Well done! A crack on Lawyers and Yankee fans all at once.


Thank you. The original joke, as I heard it, was to drop a snake and a Lawyer off the Empire State Building. I improvised a little to suit my needs.


To great effect, I might add.


And here's your special Blag-Only Lawyer Joke Of The Day:

• A lawyer was driving his new BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. Miraculously, he survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
  
  A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
  
  The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
  

Lawyers Suck

Lawyer Joke Week! What do you get when you have 100 lawyers in cement up to their necks? More Cement!


Uhm...not that you're wrong...but it's Wednesday. Isn't it a bit late to be starting a Theme Week?


Normally, yes, but recent circumstances have necessitated insulting lawyers this week. Therefore...Theme Half-Week-Or-So. It's just easier to call it "Lawyer Joke Week."


I see. So a Lawyer joke with each status message. Nice touch.


And a bonus Lawyer Joke in each Blag Entry to make up for lost time! It's two lawyer jokes in one!

• A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
  
  "How much does it cost for Engineer brain?"
  "Three dollars an ounce."
  "How much does it cost for Programmer brain?"
  "Four dollars an ounce."
  "How much for Lawyer brain?"
  "$1,000 an ounce."
  "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
  "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Stay of execution

I seem to have underestimated The Detroit Red Wings’ choking ability


So your prediction was wrong then?


Indeed it was. The Penguins managed to stay alive to play again in game 6 of the Stanley Cup final after a thrilling 4-3 Triple Overtime win last night. Or should I say this morning.


You're wide awake this morning, I'm sure.


Well, if I ever need a visual jolt, I can always a have a look at Sports Illustrated's Gallery of Don Cherry's Fashion Statements.


Today's blag seems familiar.


It's like coming home. Or being stuck at home with no way to get out. One or the other.

What am I going to do for the next 3 and a half months?

I’m calling it. The Stanley Cup Final ends tonight!


You're probably right. Detroit's back home tonight, right?


Right you are. Detroit takes a 3 games to 1 lead back home to the Joe Louis Arena, complete with octopod infestation, ready to seal the deal and win the Stanley Cup in front of the home crowd.


Won't the Penguins have anything to say about it?


Yes and no. The Penguins will probably want to win the game, but given their performance so far, particularly that of Evgeni Malkin, that will be completely insufficient to get the job done. Malkin's played like crap the whole series, totaling one point in the first 4 games of the final. The fact that Sidney Crosby doesn't play on the Penalty Kill limited him to a grand total of 6 minutes of ice time in the first period of Game 4. You can't win playoff hockey games when your two biggest stars (one of which is arguably the greatest player in the world right now) are either underperforming or logging serious minutes on the bench.


So what happens now? You'll be without hockey, and more importantly, without Don Cherry's Suits.


Only 18 days until the NHL Entry draft!